#by reminding myself that at least aubrey gordon and mike hobbes would be proud of me

[melancholic-pigeon]

Man, it's a weird feeling being a long-time fat activist and getting significantly fatter as a result of health things.

Since I got sick, I've been struggling with malnutrition and being chronically underweight. When my health gets worse, I lose weight, and when it improves I gain it back. The past ten or so years have been spent fighting for every pound to stay on as long as possible and losing it over and over.

I'm not what fat acceptance activists would call fat, but my BMI thinks I'm significantly overweight. I hope I do get fat, because it will mean I've made profound strides in my recovery. I'm the heaviest and fattest I have ever been in my life and it's not a coincidence that I feel less sick than I have since before I got sick.

But I just keep like, clenching up and bracing for all of my bazillion doctors to be appalled and horrified and start telling me it's imperative I lose it all again. I'm angry that I can't automatically trust my fucking doctors to treat this as the monumental accomplishment that it is. I'm pissed off that I might already be considered plus size by fashion industry standards and thrilled at the idea of shopping in the plus size section because it means I'm not weak and skeletal and wasting away. I'm beyond proud of myself and I'm terrified of what's going to come next.

#ed recovery #fatphobia #fat acceptance #chronic illness tag #just need to scream into the void #pigeon chatters #not gonna lie I have been making myself feel better #by reminding myself that at least aubrey gordon and mike hobbes would be proud of me #ETA: Michael Hobbes is a raging antisemitic asshole and I no longer want him to be proud of me