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thehalfshilling-blog · 7 years

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Coconut Oil and Parenting Fails....(All in one weekend)

Ok so the coconut oil that ‘cures all ills’ really didn’t help with the now burning pain of my lady garden fungal infection (yep, I really don’t want to have to call it thrush) 🙄

Applied morning and evening and it’s not even one scratch better. What with me going all (kinda) hippy and diving into the alternative therapies to avoid the heroin addict hue that took me months to banish thanks to western meds, I was really hoping that it would do the trick. Sorry my trusted friend, you may be a helping hand for the cellitute, (and FYI mums of humans, it’s brilliant for de-nitting hair, whapp it right on, scalp to tip, wash out the next morning and do the usual nitty gritty comb through. Bing, bang, bosh those nits are gone) unlike my lady garden issues! 🙄🙄

All I really achieved from the coconut oil application instructions I found via Pinterest, was that I had to change underwear a few extra times yesterday.

FAIL! FAIL!!FAIL!!!!

So that was how the coconut oil let me down this weekend, but because I like to share too much, it wasn’t the only failure in the house over the weekend.

Friday night after a day of no pain relief I thought, perfect, I’ll try the wine I was gifted and really push the boat out on going wild. Relive my youth a little. Two glasses in, and that was small glasses I may add, and my headache hits, the bottle has the lid screwed back on and I fold like a deck of cheap cards. That fail was on the wine, not me!!

The taste decided to linger until roughly 3pm yesterday by which time I was thinking I really need to just stay in tonight and sleep. That wasn’t an option though, because I had made very rare plans to have a drink with my best friend. By the time I got there I was thinking I must be getting better at this getting old shit cause I was quite looking forward to a catch up and another drink. #TwoNightsOnTheBounce I’m a machine!!

Only problem was, my humans had to tag along and that can never end overly well one way or the other. The big bean I birthed didn’t have to come but I figured she was being sweet and wanted to hang with the 30+ hag beens. And she did, but only so she could have a helping hand in the partaking of alcoholic demolishion.

Home before midnight like the responsible (drunk) parent I am, the teenage bean provided a fair amount of amusement on our travels home (on foot, I do not condone drunk driving!! ) while I am hee hawing at her being generally just hilarious, in the back of my head I’m thinking ‘shit, I let the kid get pissed!! I’m going to jail. I am going to be charged and someone’s cell birch for 90 days. (45 with good behaviour.)

Laying in bed trying not to nod off, I planned to go and check she was still breathing at 5 minute intervals through the night. Then comes a clatter, bang and baby elephant footsteps through he hall and into the bathroom, followed by the entire contents of her stomach coming back to greet her! 🤢🤢🤢

Makes me green just thinking about it.

She felt pretty good after traumatising me (what with being emetophobic and all) and settled down to a fairly peaceful nap after a few grunts of ‘Go’way, I’m fine.’

Trot off back to my bed still adamant I would make ul for my lack of parenting 5 star status and check on her regularly, just to crash out within about 5 minutes and wake up in a panic this morning!!!

FAIL, FAIL, FAIL!!!!

Good news is, the big bean did wake up, albeit slightly grumpy for the first half an hour or so, but then proceeded to piss off and have a day out with her mate, chowing down on a McDonald’s and seeming to avoid any trace of a hangover. This was while I have been feeling rather poorly all day long.

I am of course now set on the idea that I must have a bit of a tummy upset because I feel worse now than I have all day. School stuff hasn’t been sorted, although my mini human has been washed and freshened up thanks to the fact her friend has an ace mum and dad, ones who actually parent their kids, and took her out for a swim with them all. You know, while I took out all the stuff to try and prep a dinner and didn’t get past the ‘taking the stuff out’ stage.

FAIL! FAIL!! FAIL!!!!

May God bless you S & J. One important job ticked off the parenting list. Now I do however have to think of something reasonably healthy to feed my kids before they pack their own bags and move out. 🤔🤔

The aim for be last stretch of today, (cause it’s not bedtime yet 😭😭😭) is to make sure all the school prep is done and I don’t forget anything overly important like lunch money, snack and of course getting them up and to school on time. For the record, my school drop off timing this year has risen from a questionable C rating this time last year, to a superb A+ effort all throughout 2017.

An yes, I know you perfect yummy mummies who have time to do your hair and make up everyday manage it with all your children and its something that sound be achieved every day, but when you’re living with poor mental health, (and a cough cough, tummy upset) getting out of bed at all is an achievement!!

So after starting my weekend roundup as a FAILURE, I’m gonna finish it off on the slightly brighter note of not being completely useless.

Happy Sunday people. (Especially those of you who feel as poorly as I do.)

L x

#MumFails #FuckYouCoconutOil #PoorlyMother #SpewingHumans #TotalHagBeen #IMissMyTwenties #WheresTheNumberForTheTakeaway

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