#but she always has; there's always been 'a new train every day' and they've dealt with them all; they'll deal with this one too

[lisbonsteresa]

oh it's horrible; i love it

#tm #this is SO #because from lisbon's point of view this is....let's say strange i guess #nothing's really changed for her? yes she has (they have but he's not thinking like that right now) this dangerous risky job #but she always has; there's always been 'a new train every day' and they've dealt with them all; they'll deal with this one too #so yes of course she wants to try and reassure him but it's not as major to her as it is to him #*and also she's been very patient and understanding and hasn't put any expectations or pressure on their future #(i'm sure she HAS thoughts on it obviously but she's been the one reminding him to take things as they come #'right here it's good. it's very very good.') #meanwhile jane is.....for so long jane wasn't sure if he'd HAVE a future; he wasn't sure if he'd deserve one #and then blue bird and everything that came after it and it's been wonderful and he's been trying to take it one day at a time #but it's like once he let himself imagine a future for them; for himself he was immediately hit by the full reality of how tenuous it is #he's always known they have dangerous jobs but knowing that in a pre and post blue bird world are two very different things #now he has this; he has them; and he also knows that every time they get a phone call from abbott #there's a chance he might lose the most important person in the world to him just after learning he's the most important person to her #just after they finally started something together and then what he does later this ep it's just #once you get what you wanted most what would you do to protect it (because what kind of future would he have without her) #(and then failing that (in a few episodes) what would you do to grant yourself some semblance of peace of mind?) #but this kills me because he delivers the line in a kind of teasing way? he does not let on how nervous he really is #(or what he might be starting to plan) 'i made the decision not to tell you because i was worried that it would come between us' LIKE #he tried broaching the subject before (albeit not in a way that she could very easily understand) and it went nowhere #'are we really gonna work for the fbi for the rest of our lives?' 'it's who i am jane' 'i know' #he's terrified of what might happen but he's also terrified to bring it up because what if that drives a wedge in their relationship #what if he ruins it himself without any outside issue being to blame is that a self fulfilling prophecy back to the fear that kept him from #telling her how he felt during s6 #so instead he holds back just how much he's spiraling until....and then he just CAN'T anymore and he has to get away #(and then lisbon's almost blindsided because yes she knew he was worried but THIS worried? to the point he won't even hear her arguments?) #GOD it's so so good it's the wooooorst i'm eating it up