#but rationally knowing that unfortunately doesn't erase the constant feeling of being BAD. WRONG. EVIL

[sensazioneultra]

that post got me thinking of how much my mental illness fucked with my memory and i got so... sad? that's not the right word. scared. but also it's something akin to grief. and something that effects my actual grief over people i lost. it affects everything. but i have never really talked about it with anyone. like not a single person, therapist, friend, no one. it's not even like a conscious choice, i just... think i am ashamed of it to the point i don't even think about it i just kinda live with ghosts in the back of my mind that grow in number the more i experience things and moments and feelings. i joke about my bad memory all the time! except it's not a joke, but if i stop to truly think about it i feel so much pain it gets overwhelming. like rn. idk if any of this makes sense but it's just... like tbh i wouldn't even know how to explain this to anyone! how do i explain something that i don't even understand myself. things just disappear. i went to a concert and i know it was fun but i can't remember much. if anything at all. i loved this person and i probably still love them but i couldn't tell you what we ever did together. i studied ancient greek for years but i remember next to nothing of what i learned and sometimes i pretend to remember something but in reality i looked it up. people around me much older than me remember in details a trip from 40 years ago but i already forgot so much of the trip i went on a little more than a month ago. it's like my life is endless grieving. idk how anyone who doesn't experience something like this could ever understand

#just like i don't understand the rest of people who don't live like i do! #it's not a fault. i'm so glad most people can't understand even while it makes me feel a burning envy. it's contradictory but both feelings #are true i swear #anyway. i can't even think about my grandma most of the time bc the fact i remember so so so little #while i KNOW she was important to me more than i can ever understand..... is just too much it makes me feel like #like idk like the worst person in thw world #ik. ik it's not my fault and i don't forget things on purpose. ik #but rationally knowing that unfortunately doesn't erase the constant feeling of being BAD. WRONG. EVIL #i can't even remember my grandma's smile. i can't remember anything she ever said to me. not one word. everything is so vague and blurry #how can i claim to love her. how can i claim to have known her for 14 years. how can i claim that she was one of the most important people #in my whole life #ah. have dinner soon and i'm trying so hard not to cry bc if i start i won't stop anytime soon and my family can't see me cry lol #i was tagging this as delete later but actually no #just not tagging this but it's staying