#but playing as durge there is no past so idk who my tav is yet so all i can do is project so he feels very. personal

[perilegs]

ok i might need to force myself to not romance astarion bc i don't want to know what it says about me to turn down karlach, the woman of my dreams, the character made to cater me personally, like, if she was real i'd bring the moon and stars down for the chance to see her smile, she's everything i've hoped for in a rpg companion, what does it say about me if i turn that down for someone like astarion

#ngl karlach would be too good for me and i wouldnt deserve it #shed probably ask me stuff like 'what do you want?' upon which i would be paralyzed with fear my mind completely blank unable #to process why i can't answer a simple question #and she's so up front with her emotions which i absolutely adore but i could not reciprocate that #wait am i actually for real avoiding the karlach romance bc i feel like this fictional character from a video game is too good for me #a real human being. like. i think i would feel guilty about romancing her #which makes no sense bc i romance characters too good for anyone all of the time. but idk #in those cases ive always had like a strong character i play as who is very divorced from who i am #but playing as durge there is no past so idk who my tav is yet so all i can do is project so he feels very. personal #im v sleepy and also ive had brain fog all day so yea idk #i mean i do genuinely like astarion and his character but in his case i dont feel guilty bc i feel like i #i have no idea how to finish that sentence without it sounding like 'i can fix him' #bc i dont want to fix him i want to show him compassion and respect him and his boundaries so he'll be able to reclaim tje feeling of #being in control of his life #so he'll stop putting people down to feel like hes on a pedestal #like i get him and why he is like that but i just feel like being kind and caring towards him would feel so good #it wouldnt fix him and thats a good thing bc i dont want him to change who he is but i do think he needs support #also hes hot im so mad at myself for being so atteacted to him #we wouldnt b here if i didnt have a thing for voices #besides thag back to the main point of astarion its like. ugh! im so frustrated rn bc i dont have the words #to express my emotions toward him bc everything ive said lacks the nuance that im feelikg but idk how to put it in words #i guess i want to protect him? that such a terrible sentence and still not what om going for