#but people will always be worried. sooo scared for me and the sanctity of my shitty flesh prison

[orcelito]

thought about the fact tht getting mental health help means talking about my #Problems again

ugh

#speculation nation #negative/ #like i dont have trouble talking about this stuff in an informal setting bc im like. not self conscious about it exactly #assuming i'm talking to ppl who r understanding #but even then i curate it. i always curate it. i never tell anyone just how ugly my thoughts can get #though if youve read my writing you probably have a Pretty good idea (akechi pov) the kinds of ways i think about things #i dont share that for common life stuff bc it's just. it always makes people uncomfortable. and i dont want them to worry about me #when people worry about me it makes Me uncomfortable. like there's something wrong with me. #like the very makeup of my brain is worthy of making people worried #bc that's the thing. this is intrinsic. it's never going to stop completely. there are parts to it that i dont even Want to stop #but people will always be worried. sooo scared for me and the sanctity of my shitty flesh prison #therapy shit is that but worse. because they Will pry about it #every time i see that lil questionnaire with 'have you had thoughts about suicide' and 'have you harmed yourself' im just like #might as well lock me up Boys cause this one's goin on my record! again. and again and again and again #im not even going for this shit. i dont have depression im depressed cause my life sucks & im stressed all the time #but they always see the bad and assume it's because of the Chemical Imbalances bc no Whole Person would EVER want to hurt themselves! #i can be perfectly happy and content with my life and still have these urges. it's not a depression thing. it's just a me thing. #i want help for my constant fatigue. my probable adhd that's been kicking my ass my entire academic career #im not fucking anxious. i'm not fucking depressed. i'm stressed and struggling to do fucking Anything because everything is always Too Much #but i just know they'll focus on those lil markers by the self harm/suicide shit because they Always Fucking Do #i'm not a suicide risk. ive long passed that stage. thoughts may float by sometimes but i'm never going to act on them #not unless things in my life go very Very wrong. aka there's no longer anyone who cares about me level of wrong. #so long as there's at least one person who cares about me then I'm going to keep on living. i'm not a suicide risk. #... anyways i looked into the mental health shit at my school again and im gonna have to call to set up an appointment i guess. ugh. #aka that's not happening tonight. not with the way i'm feeling rn. #suicide ment/ #self harm ment/ #lolololol sorry for being so blatant on main today but i'm having a Shit day