#but ive genuinely been feeling violently ill about lucius and lurthur these past few days

[quillkiller]

what do you think about ludora (lucius x pandora)?

i haven’t really considered them, sorry!! i’ve seen a few of saints posts where they’ve been tagging them and i’m intrigued!! but i don’t know any lore about them other than that, so i dont really have thoughts:/

however. i am very big on lurthur (lucius/arthur) which is genuinely the only thing that’s been on my mind for days now. so let me take this opportunity to talk about my (and @sugarsnappeases ) lucius <3

my lucius is transfemme but doesn’t ever come out. she does present as sort of androgynous, but in a way that she gets away with it. she’s tall and well respected, but she has her long hair and she’s sooooo pretty. she yearns for everything bellatrix despises. they’re absolut polar opposites to me. lucius wants to be a fragile woman, someones wife, more than anything. she’s a coward bad at being a father and worse at being a husband and she’s just bad at being a man. she yearns for womanhood. to me. but will never live as one.

except for! with arthur. they’re secretely dating at hogwarts. arthur was a mix of bill and charlie back at school. he was a soft punk leftist stoner type guy. and they’re just drawn to each other and start having this secret affair behind closed doors. arthur wears his leather jacket and tells lucius that she’s so pretty. such a pretty thing. braids her hair and touches her gently. like lucius has always longed for. however! they dont communicate. lucius never actually tells arthur her deepest desires about being a woman. never tells arthur how badly she wants to be his wife. arthur treats her like this because he knows her better than anyone, but lucius never lets him all the way in. so arthur knows lucius wants to be treated gently, wants to be called pretty, wants to bat her eyelashes at him and wear pretty things. and thats enough for lucius. its as good as its going to get. they’re always doomed because lucius has to marry a woman and produce an heir. its her only duty.

they break up eventually and both of them get married. athur marries molly, which is ALSO lucius’ opposite. everything she’ll never be. she’s funny, happy go lucky, charming, pleasant— and a woman. lucius is tall, bony, lanky, unpleasant, a downright cunt— and not (percieved as) a woman. she hates molly with a passion. she’s resentful and jealous and downright nasty whenever molly visits arthur at work. because arthur and lucius both work at the ministry <3

lucius marries narcissa. narcissa who’s so similar to lucius. according to me and @sugarsnappeases. they’re both quiet, prefers being in the background, scared, timid. lucius is essentially marrying the woman he so desperately wants to be. which is so interesting in contrast to narcissas own self hatred about her position. like yeah there’s probably a small pool of pureblood witches she’s allowed to choose from, but she’s still percieved as a man and has the choice. and she picks narcissa because it’s the version of herself that’s allowed to be a woman. it’s an okay marriage at first. they sort of understand each other. but it turns more and more sour the older lucius gets, the more she pushes down her own womanhood. she resents narcissa just for being allowed to be her wife.

the affair with arthur continues because neither of them can stop. it continues for years! years!!!! and they’re still not really communicating. lucius has this entire one sided version of their affair where she’s arthurs mistress. she makes sure they’re always messing around in arthurs office because lucius wants to feel like the wife/mistress coming to seduce their husband at work. but she never actually outright tells arthur all of thus. again, arthur knows her better than anyone and makes lucius feel like herself in ways no ever has, but never completely. never fully. arthur doesn’t know about how lucius yearns to be his wife. his girl. he asks arthus to tell her she’s prettier than molly. and arthur does. always. lucius asks him to tell her shes prettier than narcissa. and arthur does. tells lucius she’s the prettiest thing he’s ever seen. lucius will dress up for arthur, wear womens underwear, silk anything, do her hair and arthur will treat her gently and worship her

so like. lucius never gets to live as a woman but she gets (almost) everything she wants from this affair with arthur. because she has her own idea about what this affair is. in her head she really is arthurs good girl. she’s made it out in her head where she’s the woman of arthurs dream. AND SHE IS !!!!!! AND ARTHUR WOULD SAY SO !!!! IF THEY TALKED !!!!! BUT THEY DONT !!!!!!!

molly gets pregnant. its fine. arthur has lucy on his lap in some weird wizard motel and tells her it doesnt matter. i’ll never leave you. i cant leave you. i’ll be here. you’re my pretty star. i’m your man. it doesn’t have to change anything.

bill is born. it changes everything. arthur falls in love at firt sight. having a kid changed arthur wholeheartedly. he looks into that baby’s eyes and he decides there and then he’ll clean up his act. hes going to be a good husband and a good role model.

arthur loves his kids more than he loves lucy, but he loves lucy more than he loves molly. he spends his days with his kids (HIS MILLION KIDS) and its enough. it fills his heart and there’s no lucy shaped void. then he goes to bed with molly and that’s when lucy comes running back into his mind again.

so they break ut off. for real this time. and arthur doesn’t come back. he wont let himself. and lucius just. goes off the fucking deep end after this.

she finally produces an heir and hopes maybe she’ll understand. she’ll see her kid and feel what arthur feels. but draco is born and lucy doesn’t feel anything. but narcissa connects with draco immediately. and lucy hates her for it. hates her for her maternal instincts and is so jealous and resentful. arthur is gone and even tho arthur never knew the full truth, it was the closest thing lucy had. the closest thing she had to feeling like a woman (which. unhealthy. and isnt fair on arthur obviously. this is not a wholesome love story). now she’s fully and completely trapped being a well respected pureblood husband, statis, a father, there’s a war at the horizon. etc etc etc .

arthur and lucy almost relapse once. years and years later. after the first war. maybe even after ginny is born. lucy is in arthurs office. and theyve just been talking. and its getting intimate. and arthur knows its dangerous territory. and hes been avoiding this. but he just cant this time. and eventually they’re so close. their lips are only inches apart. and lucy says ’i’d leave it all for you, if you asked.” and that’s. ruins everything. arthur snaps out of it immediately.

BECAUSE WHAT LUCY MEANS IS I WANT TO BE YOUR WIFE. I WANT A SECOND CHANCE AND I WANT IT WITH YOU. BUT WHAT ARTHUS HEARS IS I WOULD LEAVE MY FAMILY WITHOUT THINKING TWICE. I’D ABANDON MY CHILD. AND THATS THE THING. THEY HAVENT EVER COMMUNICATED. ARTHUR DOESNT KNOW WHAT LUCIUS THINKS SHES OBVIOUSLY TELLING HIM. all arthur hears is that lucy would abandon her son. and arthur changed when he had children. and what lucy means is i did it all wrong and i regret it and i want to be your wife.

kara had this really interesting point about lucius and narcissa being very similar in that way of not communiacting. and in being hopeless (irrational) romantics. like. lucius thinks that arthur should just know. lucy is convinced that arthur is the love of her life. that they were made for each other. and arthur should just be able to know. be able to read between te lines. lucy thought she was being romantic when she said she’d leave everything behind for arthur. BUT THATS NOT WHAT ARTHUR HEARS .

anyway. yeah. lucius gets to feel like a woman twice in her life and it’s with arthur and bellatrix. you can read about her relationship with bellatrix here and here. which to me takes place during the first war, post arthur breaking it off with lucius. it’s unbelievably unhealthy and self destructive and not dynamics i endorse! but dynamics i find interesring nonetheless <3 also tw for pseudo incest i guss because lucy begs bella to tell her she’s prettier/better than narcissa and bella does <3 because she’s also fucked up !

#THIS IS UNBELIEVABLY LONG #but ive genuinely been feeling violently ill about lucius and lurthur these past few days #lucius #lurthur #hannibal to my will