#but it's also fucking hilarious that she's reading a book about how good doms act
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I realized earlier today that I've been the one to bring up most things when it comes to evolving my kink dynamic to make it either more or darker / more edge play
Like I've got her out here sexualizing my autism n my traumas n depriving me of food until I do what she wants n calling me slurs n doing butch patriarchy stuff n I asked for all of it
I really just found this perfect incredible woman who cares deeply about me and literally is reading a book about how being a Dom is about being honorable and went "hmm I bet I can make her worse"
#like obviously this is all jokes#she was also super down for this shit and has enjoyed it#you can't actually just like corrupt someone into edge play#and pls don't try or you'll end up like that girl on reddit that#convinced her bf to do cnc and he's nonfunctional 3 days later#in reality I'm just super lucky that our kinks happen to line up#and she's super open to trying new things#but it's also fucking hilarious that she's reading a book about how good doms act#and meanwhile I'm like honey it's OK if u starve me for a few meals#till I break down and agree to say whatever degrading shit you want me to
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astielle ch 28 spoiler ask dump~~
anonymous asked:
Tauril-form is puberty, because that's when his voice changes. Abysscale-form is college-age because that's when he goes to his first orgy.
anonymous asked:
You called Abysscale-form college-age (which does not preclude teenage sexscapades given the ages that go to college) and that tracks with how I think of Tauril-form as going through puberty (because of the voice-change). But if Tauril is the horny teenager that's kind of sad. Because as Minnow has pointed out many times That Dick Will Kill.
not each other, it won't!! although i imagine taurils sleeping with each other would have the bro-iest vibe. very bill and ted. taurils also have Options with people who aren't giant bull centaurs, it's just awkward is all. fortunately for everyone taurils are actually adults and are not full of hormones, they just have zero impulse control and when they like someone they want to impress them and spend time with them and it doesn't necessarily occur to them to get their dicks involved in the situation (karzarul's mind was elsewhere the first time he was a tauril)
anonymous asked:
When Violet said monsters make the best mercenaries and throw the best parties I didn't think about it, but the fact that all the impyrs came into being with swordsmanship skills equal to Lynette probably had something to do with the former. Even if ten isn't that many, THEY COME BACK. (Eventually. In, like, a month.) And the others probably learned from Lynette, even if they died. Lynette's unintentional teaching, back again.
they learned from the best murdering them repeatedly
anonymous asked:
When Ari is repopulating, and he skips Black Drakonis, he says "Makes sense." But he's surprised when Violet points out that Black Drakonis is missing, so it sounds like he at least had a theory/assumption at the time for why she was skipped, but it doesn't match with the new information.
he initially just assumed that black drakonis had managed to avoid being killed the whole time, which made sense because she's a big dragon and she can just fly away if someone is trying to murder her. but generally if a bigass monster is alive someone is going to see it, especially her, because she likes finding population centers to try to guard.
anonymous asked:
"It also occurred to him that trying to get Minnow to act like she lived in a society since they were young may have negatively impacted his sense of what constituted an acceptable thing to say to a person while his dick was out." Is just HILARIOUS.
anonymous asked:
Honestly I can relate to Leonas cause just last week I was like 'I keep falling asleep in class maybe I should develop a caffeine addiction' and one of my friends was like 'pls eat more food' so I started to actually have breakfast and an after work snack and I magically stopped falling asleep in class
anonymous asked:
Minnow's hips don't lie, but castle ruins are strangely deceptive.
everyone who wasn't following along when astielleblogging intersected with kink taxonomy hell is going to be so confused if/when minnow finally gets stuck somewhere
@9ofspades asked:
Ari is my favorite again and I want him to have actual eternity to be happy with his poly soulmate throuple together. And also his big monster family. Also I think he's wrong about what the core of the Heir and Hero are - both of them have, deep in the core of their souls, the fact that they are Monsterfuckers.
for the record i have a post in my drafts with all of your readalong asks and i still haven't decided what to do with them but i enjoyed them IMMENSELY
anonymous asked:
>looking for food >ask the cook if their food is earthy or wet >she doesn't understand >pull out illustrated diagram explaining what is earthy and what is wet >she laughs and says "it's good food sir" >buy some food >its wet
@ivylaughed asked:
I love the tumblr meme references in Astielle. The guards bringing their own knives; there being an infinite variety of brassica oleracea; the fucking chocolate guy. I'm half-waiting for a children's hospital/color theory reference. Thank you for the easter eggs.
i'm glad someone read 'chocolate birdhouse' and immediately thought THAT FUCKING CHOCOLATE GUY AGAIN ashjasd
anonymous asked:
I just wanted to say that as a plant nerd and forager I deeply appreciated Minnow's surprisingly accurate botany lesson.
unfortunately all the books that leonas gave minnow are still at her house and so she cannot cite sources for the existence of hemlock, queen anne's lace, and giant hogweed
anonymous asked:
“I think you overestimate people’s willingness to admit when things don’t make sense to them," lmao Minnow has a point
will the two men she is with learn from this and start admitting when they don't know things they think they should and are confused? absolutely not.
anonymous asked:
XD Ari hears "Kavid" and immediately attempts a strategic retreat.
anonymous asked:
“‘you should get dressed’ is a complete sentence.” Is making me laugh.
it's probably for the best because if he actually had known all three of them were out there it would have taken him like an hour to get ready and he would have had at least one breakdown about how none of his outfits were good enough and it was all nari's fault
anonymous asked:
Kavid: I will be happy to HAVE YOU ALL *lascivious eyebrow wiggle* at my earliest convenience.
anonymous asked:
"he gets smaller" "in this weather who doesn't?" KITTY PLZZZ
anonymous asked:
I can't decide whether I love or hate Kavid - I have a very Specific idea in mind for his voice, though I admittedly can't figure out where I'm pulling it from. He is an Excellent character though. Lovely chapter as always :D
anonymous asked:
Before, I was entertained by Kavid. Now I love him.
anonymous asked:
Kitty, Kraven and Kavid have similar speech patterns on purpose, right??? Right?????
i was honestly imagining some kind of nonsense faux-european what-country-is-this-even-from hollywood accent but imagining that he has sounded extremely russian this whole time is extremely funny
@rose-and-bones asked:
SHE HAS A TYPE aghfgstjs
minnow having a thing for obnoxiously pretty men who think they're great aka self-recognition through the other (horny)
@speakingintothevoid asked:
“You are,” Leonas said, “an egotistical, self-important fop.” “Ye-e-es,” Kavid said without shame. “She has a type, does Starlight.” I! LOVE!! IT!!! Makes me almost think of Violet and Karzarul - our point of view character being faced with a version of themselves who are more comfortable in their own skin and our boys not knowing why that annoys them
@keleviel asked:
I rescind my earlier mild disdain, Kavid is great. Is he actually The Greatest Of Bards, or is that just more showmanship?
he rocks about as hard as you can rock on a lyre, which is probably harder than you'd think (especially if you brought a lot of drummers) (which he does)
anonymous asked:
Jakshahshsh every time a new astielle chapter comes out i read it at least twice. Kavid i love you. Leonas i love you also you fucked up lil man. And karzarul the seat. And minnow the mischievous. and just. poor nari. existing in the same world as minnow and her all-powerful boyfriends and also kavid. nari needs a raise
she really does
anonymous asked:
Bruce in Office Meeting and Leonas grabbing the wine when Kavid starts talking about Imperials solidarity.
anonymous asked:
"You would like to compare notes?""Always." Brilliant. Leonas to a t. Loving this interlude with kavid. Snuggly tipsy leonas is a treat. kavids talk of how the weather makes all of us smaller had me cackling. Also this batshit imperial conspiracy is gr8
anonymous asked:
I am suddenly much less comfortable about Leonas performing medical experiments on Minnow, though no fault of his own. :(
@mooseman13579 asked:
Leonas finding out about the weird sun empire truther stuff: haha I'm in danger
the real unanswered question is how much of this is news and how much of it is stuff he already knew and assumed was normal
@thegayknee asked:
Holy shit this is it, isnt it. This is how they fix karzarul's reputation and expose Leland. With the power of Kavid
anonymous asked:
Karzarul's Questlog: "Work on our Image" updated, The Tale of Hollow Monsters delivered to bard.
anonymous asked:
just how many of her lovers is minnow going to recruit into her questing party
she should probably be swapping people out to keep their levels consistent but instead she just keeps karzarul and leonas as her companions for every single quest
@flying-butter asked:
"Details! I need details!" "The king sucks." This is every conversation with any of the trio. Minnow likely knows how to complete half of Ari's quests and Leonas the other half, but no one talks about anything without prompting.
minnow just assumes that everyone knows what she knows because she can't possibly be the brains of the operation and meanwhile karzarul and leonas are both busy having shame
anonymous asked:
i was so excited for the lore drop but the moment Leonas sat in Karzarul's lap my brain just shut off
@themaidenisdeath asked:
oh yes, as we all know, "all business" and "taciturn" are the first words that come to mind when we think of Minnow. It reminded me of when she met Karzarul and he told her she was particularly chatty for hero. Sorry Kavid, you're just neither a Sweet, Considerate Monster with a Dick of Steel And Tentacles To Match™ nor a Twink Prince With Silky Hair, Dom Tendencies And Weird Dietary Beliefs™
@halfdeadfriedrice asked:
"what Hero business?" / "I'm the Hero. All my business is Hero business."
You tell em Minnow! And then it turns out to be Quest relevant after all; all business is Hero business
Also kavid's last night's makeup and messy convertible couch covered in laundry with half-empty wine bottles on the floor is THEE most visually resonant, I feel like I am visiting a college friend
leonas got very lucky that there weren't any cigarette butts floating in that wine because in his mood he might have just drank it anyway
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ben x luther x vanya would be so cute, imagine them
I am imagining them, so I thought, why not do the OTP questions for them? (I tend to ramble a lot doing these but I think you appreciate that over me answering by simply saying the name and moving on)
Which one sexts like a straight white boy?
Both Vanya and Ben are well versed in the fine art of texting like a fuckboy/sexting.
Luther? not so much.
Vanya: *sends an eggplant emoji*
Ben: *sends a peach emoji*
Luther: ‘I will add them to the grocery list :)’
(Klaus spent a lot of time trying to explain why Ben and Vanya sometimes text like that (™) but Ben was basically like: “Nooooo, don’t ruin our pure boy!” and put his hands over Luther’s ears, asjakjalsj).
Did you know? Both Ben and Vanya can totally flirt when they want to and they totally do it to mess with Luther.
Like:
Ben: *leans against the kitchen counter next to Luther, leaning back far enough his shirt rides up, winks at Luther*
Vanya: *sneaks next to Luther on his other side, hand patting his biceps and looking up at him through her lashes*
Luther: *blushes and proceeds to drop the peanut butter*
Which one cried during a fucking disney movie?
Not to be fake deep on a light OTP post, but I mentioned in the Lunya one already that Vanya (and Ben) have a hard time regulating their emotions?
All of them grew up being fucked over by an abusive Father Figure and sure, all of them have issues with showing genuine care, but I feel like Klaus and Luther are very much the ‘heart on their sleeves’ kinda people? Klaus has managed to hide that fairly well though, as opposed to Luther, who is always 100% genuine with everything he does.
(Which is interesting because he doesn’t seem to have the fragile and toxic masculinity mindset that Diego keeps downing like water, even though they were both pushed against each other, but I am drifting off).
Five knows that they have emotions, they are just very good at pushing them to the side for the ‘cause/mission’. They seem genuine around their family though.
Allison is working on being honest and empathetic, Diego is a whole mess but not really good at hiding his emotions (which is why he tries to replace basically all of them with anger), but Ben and Vanya?
A whole other can of worms.
Vanya was medicated her whole life, subdued, and Ben was dead for the bigger parts of his ‘life’, so both of them seem to be….not really in touch with their emotions.
I dived into this on the Lunya post before, but Vanya isn’t really touched by fictional stuff, so she probably wouldn’t cry during disney movies and she doesn’t flinch when the jumpscare happens in the horror movie. Just sits there, let’s it wash over her, a little detached from it all.
But she also has big mood swings and there are days when all the noises are too much for her, or the onslaught of emotions - more colorful and hurtful than ever before, hitting her hard enough she can’t breathe for a second - makes her feel it all.
But if she cries, she doesn’t cry about movies or shows, but rather about mundane things that happen to her, about things other people may only feel slightly irritated over, because she can’t control how much she feels.
Your phone screen cracks? Shit, you’re angry (maybe at yourself because you weren’t cautious enough and it slipped out of your hand). Maybe you’re also sad because, shit, that was your new phone. But you’ll get over it, it happened. You’ll buy a new one/get the screen repaired/live with it/whatever.
Not Vanya. Vanya drops her phone and immediately gets overwhelmed by so much sadness and anger, she probably unintentionally bursts her kitchen window. She is in a bad mood for days and it makes her feel silly, which only makes her more irritated.
But where Vanya feels too much, Ben feels nothing. Ben watches the movies, sees Luther’s face glistening with tears, feels how Luther squeezes his hand and thinks: ‘I should probably be sad.’
But he isn’t.
When you’re dead, you don’t really feel emotions. You’re dead after all. What are you supposed to feel? Ben knows ghosts who don’t even remember how being alive was, who can’t even change their expression anymore, frown or smile. They are stuck with an everlasting face of neutrality. Nothing scares them, nothing makes them angry, nothing makes them happy.
Nothing makes them feel.
When Ben was dead, he spent a lot of time around Klaus and he observed. He watched Klaus respond to certain things - to stimuli, good or bad, to a joke, a fist to the face, a break up, a drug induced high - and he told himself. ‘This is it. This is how you have to behave. This is what can still make you human, even in death.’
And being alive now, this hasn’t changed. He still watches, still waits for other’s reactions, still looks to them for a clue as to what he’s supposed to feel. Because even though certain sensations are back - his heart beating, his hands brushing over things, fingertips touching Vanya’s cheek, lips kissing Luther’s mouth - his emotions are under a blanket. Or a bell jar. There, but only barely, only a whisper, like a memory.
Like he came back, but not all of him did.
And sometimes that’s good. It makes all the dark thoughts in his mind seem less scary, the ones that drove him to do….things, to hurt himself and everyone around him.
But it also makes him feel like he’s still dead.
And with both Ben and Vanya feeling like they are more on the outside, silent watchers rather than people actively living their lives - or living at all - do you ever think they look over to Luther, lounging on the couch and completely immersed in the movie?
Do you think they notice how easy it is for him to just be? To react to something on screen with a smile, or a laugh, or a scream, or a tear?
And do you think they feel some kind of envy or jealousy over that, look over to him and think: ‘I wish it could be as easy for me.’
‘I wish I could be as alive.’
Who put a goddamned fork in the microwave?
All of them.
It’s not even like, a genuine accident, where one of them forgot cutlery in the microwave, and it also isn’t like they saw a video of that and went ‘Maybe….just maybe…’ and then did it when no one else was home, it’s more like:
Ben: “Hey, wanna put a fork in the microwave to see what happens?”
Vanya, her head in Luther’s lap, reading a book: “Sure.”
Luther, playing with Vanya’s hair and not even looking up: “Sure.”
Who does the silly hands-over-the-eyes “Guess who” thing?
None of them.
Neither Ben nor Luther can really ‘sneak up’ on Vanya because she has super hearing and Vanya can’t even reach Luther to do it. Technically, Ben could reach Luther’s eyes, but I don’t feel like he’s the person to do so.
Ben probably takes delight in just scaring the shit out of Luther, sneaking into the room and just standing still, watching Luther until he notices him. (Luther jumps every single time and it’s hilarious. Ben does greet him with a kiss after that, though).
Vanya would do it to Ben but then she’d feel like leaving Luther out and she doesn’t want him unhappy (mostly because Luther can’t act for shit. He’ll be like ‘It’s fine’ but you can see the betrayal in his eyes. It was like that when they went to some amusement park and Ben and Vanya left him to go to the rides he was too big for - asking him multiple times whether he’s okay with that.
But what can you do, their boyfriend is a petulant baby and they still love him).
Ben and Vanya mostly greet each other by mildly insulting each other/doing very weird things because those two are definitely weird.
They’ll meet in the hallway and just immediately start dancing past each other in slowmo or something, or make weird noises at each other and Luther will watch that and think: ‘Why am I dating these two again?’
(Because you love them).
(Also because they’re both doms and you’re a big sub).
Who puts their cold hands/feet on their partner?
Both Ben and Luther are cold as fuck. Ben has been dead before, I can see him barely reacting to any kind of weather anymore.
OR unlike his mind, his body is overly sensitive, all these sensations washing over him and he gets cold at the slightest breeze and gets a sunburn in a matter of minutes because his body isn’t used to actually being exposed to anything.
(He also bruises very easily which is a shame, because he keeps forgetting that he has to open doors to walk through them now).
So he wears Luther’s sweaters at all times, because while Luther is perpetually cold, he barely notices anymore and his sweaters are very comfy and big enough for Ben to nearly disappear in them.
And still he will cuddle into his partners, splay his cold hands over Luther’s stomach, sneaking them past his shirt, desperate to get warm as Vanya rubs his back and shoulders. Kisses his neck.
Vanya sometimes sticks his hands down Luther’s back, but Luther barely feels it and that’s no fun. Ben always yelps and that’s fun, but it can really fuck with his temperature for the rest of the day, so Vanya mostly leaves it alone. Warms up the old fashioned way by cuddling with her boyfriends.
(Both Luther and Ben love Vanya - I mean, of course they do, but specifically because she is warm most of the time. Especially when she’s using her powers/very emotional she seems to be burning up so whenever Ben feels really cold or Luther can see his fingertips slowly turning blue, they know they can go to her, press up against her, and just let her natural warmth help them along in getting warm themselves).
Who had that embarassing Reality TV marathon?
Ben.
He pretends he isn’t interested in reality tv and neither Luther nor Vanya question that because, why should they? Also, Vanya much prefers a book over tv and Luther is happy just spending time with his partners, so most of the time, they spend the evening in one room, doing different things.
Like, Vanya maybe practises violin, Ben reads a book, Luther tries his hand at embroidery - he likes looking for different hobbies and he especially likes hobbies where he can make things, create something good with his hands.
(They also sometimes watch shitty horror movies - they definitely watch Sharknado - but reality tv? Pfft, who needs that?)
(Ben. Ben needs that. Ben will stay up, pretending to watch a nature documentary or something and then switch channels when Vanya and Luther are asleep to watch Love Island.
Vanya and Luther know this. Vanya and Luther don’t tell Ben that they know this. They simply pretend to be asleep already when Ben sneaks into bed. Although Luther suspiciously always has his arm on Ben’s side of the bed, in the perfect position for Ben to wiggle under it, let himself be held close.
Maybe Ben knows that Vanya and Luther know. They don’t talk about it).
Who laughs more during sex?
Does it sound mean when I say none of them? I feel like Ben would be very intense during sex, telling them where he wants them to be, praising them in a low voice, tracing their lips with his fingers. He smiles, sure, but he’s probably mostly serious during sex.
Vanya isn’t one to goof around a lot - she has a dry humour - and I can see both her and Luther being nervous during sex, especially the first few times. They both have some issues with their bodies, so if anything, they’d laugh because they’re self-conscious.
But of course, with three people in one bed accidents happen and Vanya definitely kicked Luther in the face before while she was crawling down the bed to give Ben a blowjob, and Ben definitely has knocked things over with the Bentacles (who sometimes just decide to say hello out of nowhere - which was a shock at first, but they’re used to it now).
(And not to be too nsfw, but Ben? Would definitely take control in bed??? And when he does, the air is so charged with something, both Vanya and Luther eager to please - it’s in their nature - that they probably wouldn’t laugh?
What I’m saying is, Ben lowkey doms them both).
WHO IS THE LITTLE SPOON?
Ben is babey. Let me propose this: Ben is cuddling up to Luther, his back to Luther’s chest and Vanya is behind Luther, arm slung around Luther’s waist - however ridiculous that may look.
Sometimes Vanya and Luther will sleep on either side of Ben, reaching across him to hold onto each other as Ben holds them both close.
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The Exam
Best Music Moment of 2019
BC: Three straight hours of this
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in my Chapman Ryder Cup match with Code
-The Robert M. Chennault Playlist in my Ryder Cup match with Laser
-Vampire Weekend's "M79" with Parks and Rec theme interlude in Pawnee Peytonville with my babe
-Late night music game with JD and Chaps this Fall
-My kids competing for best air guitar solo to Daft Punk's "Digital Love"
-The Stones soundtracking Raceday morning with Counterfeit Kenny and the Kennel Boys
Codem: -Picking up the keys after closing on #our house and listening to Arden's dreams for the pad while listening to the songs that brought us together in the first place.
-Perched in the balcony of Park West watching Chromatics live and in person.
-The Chapman format playlist that Brendon and I put together. It was just one song on repeat. Xtal - Aphex Twin
-Plugging in my klipsch's for the first time in the new house to listen to elliott smith on the day of his death. the sound of his discography wafting throughout the whole house was a true delight.
Bronco: My 6-year-old discovering Green Day. My 9-year-old discovering Metallica. Both discoveries have awakened something in them that is hilarious and awesome to behold. And seeing Tool was pretty flaming awesome.
JD: March: Realizing I’d never heard this Stones song, nodding along to the opening riff, and exploding into my biggest laugh of the year at the first line.
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June: The Joni Mitchell performance in the Rolling Thunder Review documentary on Netflix.
June: Catching the Thom Yorke Anima short film at the IMAX theater on the Upper West Side.
July: Code and I getting a perfect 99 score on the greatest rendition of “Emotional Rescue” karaoke you’ll ever see.
October: Playing the music game WAY too deep into the night with BC and Chap (look for the next day’s hangover on my worst moments list).
Chap: Patrick Stickles singing "I'm sorry dad no I'm not making this up" to his dad in the audience.
Nasty: Listening to music at BOB. Nothing but jams that whole weekend. Driving in with Laser - GOOGLE MUSIC JAMS. Trip to the casino - JAMS. Hanging out on the deck - JAMS. Driving to the course with Blazer Black - Fuck Buttons - Sweet Love for Planet Earth aka JAMS. In the cart with Code - JAMS. Driving Chappy and Sfreddo to the rental car - JAMS (but quietly).
Larse: Greta Thunberg speech dubbed to metal
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Best Shows Seent in 2019
Nasty: The Killers @ Summerfest. Hot Fuss will always be an all-time favorite album and Mr. Brightside is the best pop song of our lifetime, IMO. Also, my wife loves them which is about the only band in middle of the venn diagram.
Larse: The Lonely Island at Summerfest
BC: Dead & Company
JD: 1. The Rapture at Music Hall of Williamsburg
2. Viagra Boys at Bowery Ballroom
3. The Strokes and Parkay Boys at the All Points East fest in London with drunk lads screaming along to the guitar parts
4. B Boys at Union Pool
5. Titus Andronicus at Bowery Ballroom
6. Avey Tare at Market Hotel
7. Tame Impala at MSG
8. Weeping Icon at Elsewhere
9. Priests at Elsewhere
Code: interpol - chicago theater
illuminati hotties - hideout
it looks sad - subT downstairs
robyn - riviera
steve malkmus - art institute
eleventh dream day - hideout
colleen green - sleeping village
swearin' - lincoln hall
surf curse - subT
shura - the bottle
Chap: TA was the only show I saw. It was great!
Bronco: All of them. They were each great in their own way. Aside from Tool I was able to interact with the band members at each of the shows. One I didn't have a ticket for and scored one at the door. One was in the tiniest venue I've seen a show at. One had a surprisingly entertaining opening act. And Tool surprised me with how much I enjoyed an arena show despite being so far away I couldn't see the facial features of the band members. And there was SOOOOOOO much weed being smoked in the Garden that night. And I was with a few good buddies. And I was able to sell my fourth ticket for twice what I paid, simulatenously covering me and my fourth friend who had to bail because his life sucks because his wife sucks.
Confession of 2019
Nasty: I consume more music at my cushy, suburban OrangeTheory workout classes than in my own free time. S/O to Coach Vanessa for having some Girl Talk on her playlists.
Codem: i had more fun listening to stuff that i already knew about than stuff that was coming out.
BC: I saw a Yacht Rock cover band and didn't hate it
-I succumbed to social pressure and saw DMB
-I didn't realize until the last minute that my favorite album was released in 2018 (Wild Nothing). Removing it greatly reduced my loyalty to my list.
Bronco: I'm losing my edge. I enjoyed way more lady singer bands this year than in any other year.
Chap: Couldn't get my shit together on the tracks list so just posted a random playlist
Larse: Not really a confession but more of a TIL (today I learned), but Raphael Saadiq was an original member of Tony! Toni! Tone!
Biggest Disappointment of 2019
Bin: The National @ Summerfest. From the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel "the frontman was completely detached, even confessing at one point that he was excited to get back home to his family. The result was an incredibly depressing show — which, given the band's dour songs, is really saying something." ... Huge Bummer.
BC: Didn't see nearly enough shows with nearly enough of yous
Chap: Sturgill Simpson... unlistenable!
Bronco: Baroness.
Laser: Modest Mouse opening for The Black Keys
Code: i was really messed up by dave berman's passing. i had tickets to see him play at the end of august. it was going to be my first catching him live and in concert. i had waited for this moment since i picked up american water back in 2003. two weeks before he was supposed to come through town, he up and died. also, much less of a bummer, the chromatics show in miami that Arden and i were going to attend got canceled two days before the show.
Most Overrated of 2019
Nasty: Kanye's shoes
Chap: LEGACY! LEGACY! – Jamila Woods seems to have been highly regarded? Not my thing
BC: FKA Twigs
Bronco: Baroness.
JD: Big Thief
Code: cancel culture
Larse: Mayor Pete
Make it Stop 2019
Chap: In my house, the Nutcracker Suite. It's great, until the 300th time that day.
Nasty: Cage the Elephant (but children, instead of elephant, and in real life, not the band)
BC: Lizzo
Code: lizzo
JD: Memes
Larse: Trump
Bronco: News
Biggest TBH Regret of 2019
Chap: Can't seem to get to more than one show per year; Jessica Pratt in a church by my old place
JD: Missin’ dat Pratt yet Nick!
BC: Should've listened to the Kanye album. Should've spent more time with the Deerhunter record.
Rotty: Skipping CHVRCHES at Summerfest
Code: another year with no fog party
Nasty: Not going to Indy 500. lol jk.
Bronco: I didn't buy tickets to a few shows I would've liked to have seen. One of them I went to the venue and didn't get in. That bummed me out, but I crossed the street and had a few beers by myself for good measure, so it wasn't a total loss.
Detective Murtaugh of 2019
JD: Everything.
Bronco: Shows that don't start until 10pm. That Girl Band show nearly wrecked me.
Chap: How much I loved Bruce Springsteen's adult contemporary western-themed old-man album.
BC: The ten seconds I lasted with 1000 GECS
Nasty: For the life of me - I cannot figure out how to operate the "play next" queue on these apps.
Laser: Lizzo at Summerfest - lot of younglings running around; people were racist towards Lizzo's security guards, she vowed not to come back to MKE, one of the most segregated cities in America :(
Resolution for 2019 Status
Laser: —
How It Went: Who can even remember this shit...I'm sure it was that I'd do better at keeping track or listen to more shit people suggest and I'm sure I failed.
BC: Listen to one new album a week; reboot the Classic Album Review Club
How It Went: Noooot toooo gooooood
Code: catch ovlov, pictureplane, washer, chromatics, EMA and colleen green live this year.
How It Went: i saw chromatics and colleen green. last i checked .400 gets you into cooperstown.
JD: Greater consciousness of how I’m using my attention - an ineffectual and meaningless protest of the ways the world is burning down in pursuit of it.
How It Went: Not bad! I especially nailed the “ineffectual and meaningless” part.
Chap: Learn Piano; Guilt Joe Dons into finally inviting me to a concert.
How It Went: Learned some piano but got to busy for it... Couldn't guilt JD to invite me anywhere but I DID invite him to a show! The same one I went to! With him!
Bronco: Read more 'classic’ books. I didn’t read many of them, even in school (especially in school? Never could read a book I was told to read). But I’m leaning in the sci-fi direction of 'classics’. I just read Dune this summer, and wrapped up Fahrenheit 451 the other day. I’m feeling an unexplained need to beef up my nerd credentials and this seems the way to accomplish it.
How It Went: Nope. Fell back in to zombie-apocalypse genre series that I've been reading for a while. But I am currently reading arch-nerd Neal Stephenson's "Fall; or, Dodge in Hell". It's almost 900 pages, I feel like I've been reading for months now, and because I'm a stupidly slow reader, I read only before going to bed, and can only make it 10 minutes before falling asleep and hitting myself in the face with my phone, I'm only 25% of the way through. But man is it painting a creepy yet eerily plausible scene of the near future. Guy just knows how to write.
Nasty: Hope last year I was smart enough to leave this blank. (editor’s note: [removes shoes, pets cat, puts on slippers, retires to favorite easy chair, sips martini, slowly pulls reading glasses out of cardigan pocket, dusts them off, loads todaysbiggesthits.tumblr.com, scrolls to ‘Resolution for 2019’] “Nasty: I’m sticking with it - get to NY for a show with JD.”)
Resolution for 2020
BC: See Phish in 2020
Codem: i'm making it easier this year. catch ovlov, washer, EMA and colleen green live this year. bonus points: see dom's much anticipated return to the stage.
Bronco: Build a vinyl collection. I know I dumped on Brendon for suggesting he press copies of Carpet Affair, but my kid's getting way into music and listening to it on his own (via Alexa in my bedroom which is super fucking annoying), so we're getting him his own record player and I think it's going to be a cool activity to go record store diving for whatever classics we can scrounge up.
JD: Get to more shows. Take more aimless strolls spinning tunes.
Bin: Send an email about music on the TBH! thread.
Larse: None
Chap: Eh I'm cool
Most Anticipated of 2020
Code: my man dom said that he is coming back to the world this year. i have to believe that he'll keep his word. i'm thinking 2020 is going to be the year for chromatics' Tommy.
Chap: TWOD, Perfume Genius, Jason Isbell
BC: Huey Lewis and the News, Tame Impala, Run the Jewels
Bronco: Kvelertak and Mastodon, maybe some surprise extra Tool material?
JD: Working Men’s Club
Nasty: Spotify getting Jay-Z's catalog back.
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Does Sofiya like a specific kind of tea aside from just sugary? What's her family like? Why does Dom (presumably) like tropical print shirts? What are Lani's top five countries she would be banned from if she got to choose which ones? What's Chris's favourite sport if any and why? What got Candace into baking? Is she competitive at the bake sale? What are Erol's opinions on sci-fi as a genre? Would Leandro star in a musical and if so what kind? What does he think about musicals in general?
:D
sofiya’s favourite kind of tea is milk tea, but when she drinks other kinds, she adds a lot of sugar and milk. she doesn’t really have a preference aside from preferring less caffeine, as she has a low bitter tolerance and is paranoid about setting off psychotic symptoms. i, personally, know that you need a lot more caffeine than anyone should reasonably digest in order to cause said symptoms, but sofiya does not, or at the very least, she’s so worried about it she refuses to even chance it.
how her family is depends on which family you’re asking about! her current family consists of the theatre dads -- her biological father miko and her not-yet-legal-unmarried-stepfather theo -- and her two honorary siblings -- theo’s estranged-but-reconnected daughter grace, and beau, a former student of his who he got legal custody of a few years back due to Circumstances. they’re a weird family, the members of which adopted one another into their lives at some point and just ran with it. they have a surprisingly natural and healthy family dynamic, all things considered, with the exception of grace, who is newer and less on board with the whole situation (she really only considers their house a temporary place to stay, though she warms up quickly to beau and miko). sofiya really likes grace and frequently tries to engage her and persuade her to be less mean and intimidating. it doesn’t really work. sofi’s one of a few characters in the group who wasn’t born in canada! she and her dad are russian-ukrainian, with her dad having lived and worked in russia most of his life, and having moved to ukraine after sofiya was born in order to live with her and her mother. sofiya’s dad and mom were in a tumultuous relationship from the start, and it only got worse after sofiya was born, since she was kind of an accident. she remembers her mom being cold, bitter, and deeply unhappy, when she wasn’t having spells of paranoia and intense emotional outbursts. miko and sofiya’s mom split on good terms when she was ten, then he took custody of sofiya and they moved to canada.
dom does like horrible loud shirts, yes. there are a few reasons for this, but none of them are very compelling: he’s gay, he likes thrifting, he likes that vibrant energy, and they make him feel better about himself. he has about a half dozen equally questionable fashion choices in his wardrobe, and a handful of quieter clothes he wears when he really needs to do laundry.
honestly, the only reason lani hasn’t made this list is because she’s allergic to planning ahead. her chaos is the sort that comes from impulse rather than conscious thought and self-awareness. i think it takes a lot to be banned from a whole country, but i also believe lani’s the kind of presence to somehow manage to do it by a colossal series of spontaneous mistakes. she has been suspended from school before, and she has been kicked off the bus on at least three separate occasions. if she had to choose a country to be banned from it’d be australia, because she’d think it’d be hilarious to be banned from a country that used to be where the british shipped criminals.
chris used to play rugby in high school. she initially got into it on a whim, but really committed to it after it became the thing to finally persuade her dad to say no to her -- see, she really wants to rebel and used to act out a lot more than she does now that she’s a bit more mature, but it’s hard to rebel against your parents when they spoil you unconditionally. her main sport is now kickboxing, for purposes of self-defense and good cardio, but she’s still a fan of rugby and women’s soccer in particular. she refuses to watch men’s soccer because she vocally thinks it’s overrated.
baking is candace’s go-to de-stressing activity. she’s a fundamentally high-strung person, so this means she got really, really good at it. for a long time baking was the Thing She Did For Herself, though it eventually got folded into the miasma of taking care of her younger siblings while her mom worked full time and late into the night. she’s kind of a duty elemental, though she hates being passively obligated to take care of people more than she hates anything in the world, except when people bring premade store-bought goods to bake sales. (”it’s lazy, it’s lying, and it’s disgusting”, she says. “some of us got up at five in the morning to make sure their homemade cinnamon bread rose and got into the oven in time to be warm for this, you animals.”) she loves her siblings, but literally the second they got old enough to take care of themselves, she left for university and resolved to never have kids of her own. she now truly bakes for herself, though she usually ends up bringing stuff in to the theatre and to parties, because baking a tray of delicious hazelnut chocolate cookies is absolutely no good if you can’t share them with the people you really want to be friends with. she does stay hyper-vigilant of everyone’s dietary needs out of habit.
erol really enjoys it, but only a certain kind of it. they see science fiction as a genre that should be fundamentally humanist, it should say something about human nature, rather than just being fantasy in space or “hey look at this cool robot”. they’ll get snitty and correct you if you say star wars is science fiction (”it’s space opera, it’s a whole and fundamentally different genre!”) but they’ll accept that star wars exists. erol’s more of a star trek kind of person for sure, but their real love of the genre is classic science fiction, your isaac asimovs and your phillip k dicks and your ursula leguins. overall their taste in literature skews toward either “shit you’ve never heard of” (which if i’m being honest, when i write erol, i just make up on the spot) or “classics that you’re allowed to be a snob about”. they haven’t read a piece of genuine young adult literature since they were 13 and read twilight. they refused to admit they enjoyed it for years, and now they’ll defend its place in the literary canon, past the point where any reasonable person would cave to the popular insistence that it’s just a book for teens that blew up and that’s Fine.
leandro fucking loves musicals and would kill to star in a big one. he’s actually a good singer and performer, too, so it’s not a far-fetched dream for him, though round river doesn’t put muscials on very often. they’re more expensive than non-musical stage shows to make good quality, and not all of the cast members can actually sing, so whenever they put on a musical, they have to bring in... the choir.(horror chord) leandro and erol are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to the sorts of shows they prefer, with erol preferring thinky highbrow stuff, and leandro being completely swept up in spectacle and drama and performance. he’d make a great phantom, according to himself. in the two musicals round river’s put on while he’s been around, he was billy flynn in chicago, and kenickie in grease. when i did my little heathers fancast (which is outdated, sofiya can’t sing and neither can lani), i set leandro to play jd.
thanks for asking! :>
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Here are my thoughts on S8E2!
REAL QUICK THO AN ANGRY REMINDER
If you’re gonna post about an episode after watching the leak TAG UR SHIT I saw way too many spoilers and literally two hours before it aired. If you can’t tag ur shit then don’t post at all until it’s over. At least then most people have seen it. If you don’t tag ur shit then ur legally an asshole so be careful
ANYWAYS Thoughts from S8E2:
- Hi yeah did Dany kinda forget that her dad was the Mad King or is she just gonna act like she’s the only one with the right to want Jaime dead?
- Also I love how she’s like “your sister lied to me wut you gonna do about it”
- She needs to step oFF of Tyrion
- I hope Jaime really does slit Dany’s throat tbh how great would that be
- Bran is great fuckin hilarious
- YAS BRIENNE DEFEND YO MANZ
- God I love Sansa so freaking much 😭 she actually values her advisors opinions unlike another queen I know
- I love how Dany expects Jon to be like “yeah babe whatever you want” and then he’s like “nah Sansa’s right”
- Grey Worm I love you but you’re not intimidating buddy I’m sorry
- Jonno does a 10/10 walkout
- Tyrion you don’t deserve this work environment abuse go give your wisdom to someone else who deserves it
- Mmmmmmm Gendry what a man
- “It’s strong enough” what ur dick?
- “What do they smell like?” What kinda question is that wtf
- PSA: sharp objects handled by Arya Stark turn on Gendry pass it on
- Arya Stark, Queen of BDE
- Fuck yes I love this Bran and Jaime reunion
- Bran is like it’s chill tbh it’s like a good thing that you pushed me out the window and made me a cripple cuz now we’re here and I’m a magical motherfucker
- Bran is the most understanding person ever after he became the Three Eyed Raven
- “She’s your new queen too” mmm no
- Actually, contrary to popular belief Tyrion, it’s not hard to blame her
- Tyrion is both smart and a dumbass at the same time how the fuck
- Jaime’s like a dog who just heard a squirrel like “????brienne?????”
- Podrick isn’t a boy anymore HE IS MY MANZ AND HUSBAND AND HOLY FUCK HE GOT HOT SO FAST LIKE THE LIGHT FACIAL HAIR? WET. SWORD FIGHTING SKILLS? WET.
- Awww Brienne and Jaime are like the awkward high schoolers who have a thing for each other
- Why does Jorah still call her Khaleesi
- I’m glad Jorah isn’t a dumb bitch. Like he literally betrayed Dany to her brother’s killer and she still forgave him but Tyrion decides to trust his sister for once??? Nope he fucked up too bad not trustworthy
- Uhhh the position wasn’t Jorah’s to be stolen
- This scene is proof that Daensa will never happen and I am glad for it
- “I wish I could have that kind of faith in my advisors” uhh??? Maybe get some new advisors then??? You should trust them??? That’s why they’re your advisors????
- PREACH SANSA CLAPBACK ON THAT BITCH BEING A HYPOCRITE
- Uh no a) the northerners accept Sansa pretty well they actually like her and b) you’re not doing a damn good job of it dumb bitch
- Uh the family that destroyed Sansa was your family dumb bitch
- Is this bitch really making the excuse that she was manipulated?¿?
- This bitch big stupid
- This scene literally reminds me of high school like Dany literally reminds me of those fake ass bitches who were sickly sweet just to get what they want from me like wtf Dany is so obviously fake that it makes me cringe
- BREAKER OF CHAINS MY ASS THE NORTH BROKE THEIR OWN CHAINS AND NOW YOU WANNA PUT THEM BACK ON DUMB BITCH EHHA (read that ehha as Cardi B)
- THEOOOOOOON YAS
- I love how he just ignores Dany and is like SANSA I WANNA SERVE U BB
- Suddenly I ship Theonsa
- This Theonsa hug is all I have ever needed in life
- Isn’t that the thief from Merlin?
- I love that little Irish girl who’s like “imma fight give me a sword” like is this Arya 2.0??
- I heart Gilly
- “I’ll defend the crypt then” YES YOU WILL LIL HUNNY YOU’LL DO A DAMN GOOD JOB OF IT TOO
- EDDAAAAAAAY AND TORMUND YAS MY FAVE BITCHES
- Tormund is like surprise bitch you getta hug me first
- Beric is basically that cool as fuck and chill as hell uncle
- “The big woman”
- We love a Jon Snow pep talk
- Bran is like “hi yeah I’d like to be uhhh bait”
- Damn Samwell you didn’t have to flex on us like that with that deep thinking aight
- YES THEON REDEMPTION ARC AS FUCK
- Noooooo let Tyrion fight you ain’t his boss bitch (I mean you are but)
- Need it for what? Taking over the north?
- “No one’s ever tried” hehe I’m in danger
- Stark fam looking badass as fuck
- Walkout #2 isn’t as smooth but still acceptable
- “It’s a long story” bitch I got time start talking
- I CACKLED when those girls walked away from Missandei like I felt bad but that was just such a “you can’t sit with us” moment
- CAN GREY WORM AND MISSANDEI JUST GO TO NARTH AND STAY THERE FOREVER AND GROW OLD TOGETHER PLEASE
- WE WILL PROTECT YOU IM CRYINGGGGG
- Ghost is that you homie????
- Awww the Nights Watch reunion made me tear up a lil
- Sam’s like “I AINT NO BITCH I KILLED A WHITE WALKER KILLED A THENN AND STOLE BOOKS FROM THE CITADEL IM THE BADDEST BITCH AROUND”
- I love this banter with my whole entire heart
- i miss grenn and pyp so much I’m crying grenn was my pre-Pod husband
- I love Lannister brother moments so much they are so pure
- Oprah is handing out redemption arcs left and right wOw
- PODRICK HE IS A MAN NOW HE IS MY HUSBAND HE IS JUST SO SEXY NOW
- CACKLINGGGGG “half a cup” pours in half the wine jug
- What a squad
- TORMUND MAKES ME LAUGH SO FUCKIN MUCH
- He’s the awkward kid who tells weird stories and then does weird shit
- “Kingslayer get it right” - Jaime on the inside
- Everyone just has a “wtf” look on their face and I’m dying
- I. AM. CACKLING. AT. TORMUND. SEND HELP
- I fucking love Sandor with my entire heart and soul
- “I fought for you didn’t I?” Touche you got her there
- *sandor doesn’t get to sit by himself* fINE WHY DOESNT THE WHOLE FUCKING NORTH COME SIT BY ME TOO HUH IF YOU ALL WANT TO. CROWD. ME HUH???
- “I’m not gonna sit with you old shits I’m gonna go fuck a bull I mean uhhhhh I gotta go ”
- Arya being lowkey jealous makes me cackle like a witch
- “Is that your first time?” “Well yeah Arya I don’t put leeches all over my dick every time I get home wtf”
- YES ARYA GET THAT DICK HUNTY YASS RIDE HIM TO STORMS END HUNTY YAAAAAAS
- ARYA IS DOM AND GENDRY IS SUB PASS IT ON
- Arya having her first time be CONSENSUAL and with someone she loves makes me happy as fUCK
- GENDRY IS THE PUREST MOTHERFUCKER I SWEAR (only after Pod though)
- All I want at this point in my life is for Podrick to hold me in his big strong arms like I just wanna cuddle him fUCK
- “Not a Ser?? Why the fuck not get outta here with that bullshit”
- “I never wanted to be a knight” Podrick: I call bULLSHIT
- Tormund is supportive of Brienne even when she’s dating another guy he doesn’t even care
- WE WAITED SO LONG FOR BRIENNE AND JAIME TO HAVE A ROMANTIC AND INTIMATE MOMENT AND WE GOT AND BRIENNE EVEN GOT WHAT SHE DESERVES OUT OF IT
- Podrick is Brienne’s proud son I am living for it
- BRIENNE’S SMILE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND PRECIOUS THING ON THIS WHOLE ENTIRE EARTH IT MUST BE PROTECTED
- Honestly Tormund just wants to see Brienne happy and successful and tbh I don’t think he would care if that meant that she was with Jaime
- I stg if anything happens to babygirl Lyanna i will throw fists she looks like such a little bad ass in her armor omg she’s adorable
- Yeah Jorah you don’t gotta wield it in Randals memory he was kind of an asshole
- Can Podrick sing me to sleep every night please holy fUCK
- Theonsa? Check. Gendrya? Check. Grey Worm and Missandei? Check. Podrick making my whole self thirsty for him? Check.
- Uhhh Daenerys are you not gonna be concerned that you were idk fuckin your nephew or maybe that you aren’t the last Targaryen???? Maybe something important like that not the Iron fucking Throne???
- This bitch really thinks that Bran and Sam were lying hAh she drank a lot of dumb bitch juice this episode
- Daenerys is like those anti-vaxxers or flat earthers who refuse to see the facts
- Fun fact: episode 3 is going to tear out my heart and soul, put them in a blender, and then fucken shook it until it exploded like a coke with a mento in it
- I read somewhere that said something to the effect of characters who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it and that sounds like Dany w/ the Mad King to me rn
- Honestly every time Dany talked in this episode I got pissed off so that’s not good
- People be like “aw this episode was so boring” like bITCH ARE YALL MISSING THESE GREAT DOMESTIC MOMENTS?? GAME OF THRONES ISNT ALL STABBY AND SHIT IT CAN BE NICE FOR ONCE
- This episode made my heart full and I’m going to cry
- Ummmmm in case y’all haven’t seen in Dan Portman (Podrick) posted on his Instagram and it may or may not be a spoiler and if it is then I’ll kill myself
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shay’s favorite tv shows from 2017
this has been in my drafts for.... nine months.... fuck.
Written in December 2017, updates are from September 2018.
Considering how many new, innovative shows are around these days, I didn’t get too adventurous this year, but I’m satisfied with the ones I did watch. I discovered new shows, I was impressed by the shows I’ve been following for years, and I learned to appreciate the work that goes into television more. Here’s my top ten TV shows..
10. Thirteen Reasons Why - In all honestly, this is only here because I haven’t been able to watch Peaky Blinders yet, and it’s probably too late. (UPDATE: Watched it in Jan and it was amazing.) This show received a lot of backlash, and for good reason, although it had its moments. The characters were well-written, the relationships were given depth that is often lacking in other high school-set narratives, and the tone was great. I’ve always loved watching things that make me profoundly sad, and this show did just that. (UPDATE: Season 2 was fucking garbage lmao.)
Standout episode: Tape 1, Side B. It’s a cripplingly depressing show, but this episode stood out as a moment of light in Hannah’s dark reality. Her friendship with Jessica and Alex was nice in the beginning - their banter, them having a spot in the coffee shop. I remember assuming Alex was gay (I believe his actor is, so I wasn’t too off) and thinking that’d be good for Hannah, to have a guy friend who wasn’t interested in her and wouldn’t add relationship drama to her life. Boy, was I wrong. Still, having seen the show at the beginning of the year, this episode is the only one I remember as enjoying, so it gets this spot.
9. A Series of Unfortunate Events - I read the books in elementary school, and they’re one of my favorite series of all time. I’m also a huge fan of the film, though I know most aren’t. So I was very excited for this series, and it didn’t completely disappoint. While I found myself longing for the actors from the 2004 motion picture, and some of the directing decisions weren’t choice, it was cool to see The Miserable Mill finally come to life, and I loved the Baudelaires just as much here as anyone else. I’ll be tuning in to next season, since I’ve very, very excited to see how they handle the next three books. I can’t wait to meet the Quagmire triplets, and Esme, and Jacques! It’ll be awesome. I hope they portray it well, but there’s no film to compare it to from here on out, so maybe it’ll be different.
Standout episode: The Reptile Room: Part One/Two. Like I said, I wasn’t a huge fan of how most of the characters were portrayed in this adaption, but I did love Uncle Monty. He was just as wonderful as he was in the film and books. Watching his interactions with the kids was really nice, and as always, made me wish they could’ve remained with him. Stephano wasn’t as menacing here as he is in the film (that knife scene is the point in the film where you go, “woah, this dude’s for real. he’s scary”), which was a bummer because I still thought Olaf was a laughably bad and incompetent villain by the finale, but I did like Poe’s hysteria, and I really loved the movie theatre scene.
8. Riverdale - Oops I never wrote this dfdsbfjdbfjds.
7. South Park - While we all can agree the last season was a mess, and this one was only a slight improvement, it did have it’s moments. I’ve been a fan for five years now, so at this point, they’ll never disappoint me, tbfh.
Standout episode: Doubling Down. While Put it Down was wonderful, both satirically and because of Craig and Tweek’s adorable relationship, the eighth episode of the season was my personal favorite (UPDATE: Not sure why ‘cause I didn’t specify then and I’m not sure now.)
6. Dear White People - I didn’t do this one either damn.
Standout Episode: Chapter V. While the show is a comedic take on racial relations, this episode is an emotional, serious change. The Barry Jenkins-directed episode shows us that the subject is no laughing matter, and it very clearly deserves this spot.
5. Rick and Morty - Yet another show I discovered this year, during the summer. I’d been meaning to watch it for ages, and I finally got around to it. While the fanbase is pretty much poison, the show is pretty damn good. Maybe not what it’s hyped up to be, but great none-the-less. I’m a big fan of adult cartoons, and RaM isn’t entirely satirical like South Park, and it’s not self-aware like BoJack, but it holds up. It’s probably so popular because of how unique it is.
Standout episode: The Ricklantis Mixup. While my personal favorite of Season 3 was The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy, because I adore Jerry, I think we can all agree that the was the best episode of the season, if not the series. Like, really. Holy shit.
4. Gotham - I began watching this show last year, and caught up to season three around halfway through it. It began to drag a bit, admittedly, like it couldn’t carry it’s own weight - but now the show’s on season four, and it gets a little wild sometimes, but it’s holding quite a bit better, I’d say. I was pretty fucking impressed, especially with the Nygmobblepot stuff.
Standout episode: A Dark Knight: Queen Takes Knight. Although Mad City: The Gentle Art of Making Enemies from Season 3 is a close runner-up, for all the loose ends it ties up, and so cleanly, too - the winter finale gets this spot. It had me on the edge of my metaphorical seat (since I was actually curled up in bed) the entire time. While Sophia’s character and her motivations had remained muddy since her introduction, her badassery finally came to the forefront, and it was awesome. The way she tore down Penguin from his throne? Incredible. We know he’ll return, as he has so many times, but really, that was so incredible. Considering he’s my favorite character, I should feel worse. However, Sophia executed her plan so well, I was too awed to hate her. Also, Jerome’s back! I’m extremely excited to see Jerome’s role in the upcoming episodes. (Update: Oh, honey, you got a big storm coming...)
3. BoJack Horseman - I binged the hell out of this show just before season four came out, because it was so creative and thought-provoking and hilariously depressing. The fourth season was notably wonderful in a lot of ways, particularly because of Todd’s sexuality arc (the first out asexual character in a TV show!) and how well it was handled, but also because of the mature themes they took on. Princess Carolyn’s miscarriages, Diane and Mr. PB’s failing marriage, BoJack’s struggle to forgive his mother, Beatrice’s own troubled upbringing, Hollyhock’s eating disorder. I watched the whole season in three days when it was first released, four months ago, and I’m currently considering re-watching it after rereading the summaries of each episode to refresh my memory. I’d forgotten how phenomenal it was. It’s on another level - it really is.
Standout episode: Time’s Arrow. Though there wasn’t a single weak episode this season, this one definitely stood out. Following the tradition of uniquely depressing eleventh episodes, Time’s Arrow focuses on BoJack’s mother and how her turbulent childhood affected her. Gorgeously executed, it makes us pity the woman who made our favorite alcoholic horse the way he is, and it concludes with BoJack making peace with his mother, who he had spent so long resenting. It’s just a gorgeous episode. I think I’m going to rewatch it right now, haha.
2. Mr. Robot - I’ve wanted to watch this show since it came out, but I finally began and finished the first two seasons just weeks before Season 3 came out. Since I’m discussing my favorites of 2017, I won’t be talking about those first two seasons here. I’ll be focusing on Season 3, which has been, in my opinion, incredible. What began as a modern, nerdy take on Fight Club has become so much more; a masterfully dark and suspenseful fictionalized look at the looming political state of our world. We’ve gotten new characters (Irving, who’s a gem), we’ve learned more about older but mysterious characters (poor repressed Dom), we’ve had to say goodbye to old characters (I’m still mad about ******), and best of all, this season has been Tyrell heavy, and we even got to see Elliot make peace with Mr. Robot.
Standout episode: S3/EP8, eps3.7_dont-delete-me.ko - The previous episode had already established a gorgeously melancholy setting through the use of Mac Quayle's gorgeous production 2.0_6-madame3xecutioner.oga, which, as a huge fan of film scores, I instantly fell in love with. The song is featured during a scene I watched several times - the scene when Angela repeatedly rewinds the explosion, unable to cope with the reality of it. It left me feeling similar to the way I had after watching American Beauty for the first time - like the world was a different shade. I thought this would be the only moment the show could invoke that response from me, but then the next episode came out. Unlike Ep. 7, Ep. 8 didn’t have a single moment. The whole episode brimmed with pain and sadness. The show’s already sad, but the lonely, isolated feeling is often overwhelmed by the suspense, drama, and excitement. This episode let the characters hurt without interruption, and it was wonderfully emotional.
1. The Get Down - I was so thrilled when I discovered this show in April, literally a few days after Part 2 had aired. I downloaded all the episodes for a road trip, and literally could not put it down the entire tme. It blended all my favorite things - the art of rap, the origin and evolution of hip hop, how battle rapping/deejaying came to be. The music was stellar, the cinematography was breathtaking, the acting was (for the most part) wonderful, and the cast was fantastic. I’ve seen some criticizing it, because of its occasionally choppy narrative and the fact that Baz Luhrmann added his usual whimsical take on something that was historically fairly dark, but I thought it was flawless. It was definitely groundbreaking in its amount of representation, and it was fun and colorful and emotional and, overall, just absolutely wonderful. Like many others, I was pretty devastated when they cancelled it. I understand why, but I wish it could get the Sense 8 treatment and receive a movie. There’s too many loose ends - it’s a real bummer. Still, I’m grateful we were blessed with this gem of a show at all.
Standout episode: S1/EP11, Only from Exile Can We Come Home - The final episode gets this spot for a single scene; the one where it alternates between Mylene singing “I’m my #1″ in the hotel room with Jackie and all the drag queens, and the scene where an unreleased Miguel song is playing while Dizzy & Thor paint on each other, and then Shao calls Dizzy his “alien brother.” That scene was easily one of my favorites I’ve ever seen in any show, in my entire life. If that episode was a film, that scene alone would guarantee it a spot on my favorite films list. It was that good.
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Draco Sinister: Still a Better Time Travel Story than The Cursed Child
A while ago, I read Draco Dormiens, the fanfic famous for propelling Cassie Claire into BNF-dom, and for being a terrifying Frankenstein’s monster of plagiarism. My masochistic streak kicked in again, and I decided to try the sequel, Draco Sinister: a tale of dumb love triangles, Shakespearean Wormtail and ignoring Voldemort for 900 pages.
The fic starts when Draco wakes from a nightmare, and struggles to decide who to tell about it, before settling on writing to Hermione … in exactly the same way as Harry wakes up from a nightmare at the start of Goblet of Fire and writes to Sirius. Yeah. The plagiarism starts that early.
Harry and Draco are spending the summer at an unnamed Magid school (and yes, it remains unnamed for the whole fic), where Fleur Delacour is also a student/Magid. Weird Canon Divergence #1: Fleur here is not described as having veela heritage. She is a veela. Because Cassie Claire only skimmed the Harry Potter books . Also Lupin teaches at this school, because the whole drama about him being unveiled as a werewolf apparently didn’t matter in Cassie’s world.
Anyhoo, Draco got this fancy sword at the end of Draco Dormiens during the epic bitchfight with Lucius. It’s all green and sparkly, and totes belonged to Salazar Slytherin (because if Godric Gryffindor got a sword, Slytherin did too, apparently). But Harry’s hella suspicious of it and convinces Draco to let Lupin take the sword and make sure it’s not, like, cursed as all get out.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at the Burrow, Hermione’s chilling with Ron and Ginny when she gets Draco’s letter. She merrily writes back to him and Harry, before receiving another letter from Victor Krum.
Because the love triangle in Draco Dormiens wasn’t infuriating enough. Now we need to toss Krum in the mix.
She agrees to meet Krum in Diagon Alley. Yeah. I’m sure this’ll shake out fine.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at Magid school, Draco wakes up in the night again, this time because a demon has broken into his and Harry’s dormitory looking for the sword.
Weird Canon Divergence #2: despite JKR’s efforts to keep the afterlife vague and mysterious, Cassie whacks a Christian Hell into Draco Sinister a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer, complete with fire and brimstone. O … OK?
Harry and Draco banter with the demon for a while, but since Lupin currently has the sword they can’t exactly hand it over (and Draco doesn’t want to because, you know, Draco Malfoy). Eventually the demon decides fuck it, and tells Draco to keep the damn sword because it’s cursed as all get out anyway, and promptly disappears. Lupin works out the sword is a Living Blade, meaning it has a mind of its own and that mind is kitten-murdering evil, and Harry’s like, ‘Mate I told you that sword was cursed as all get out,’ and Draco’s like, ‘Shut up I still want it.’
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at Diagon Alley, Hermione promptly loses both Ron and Ginny and talks to Victor Krum alone. Because of course. When she comes back, she says screw Harry, she’s madly in love with Krum now and is going to run away with him to Bulgaria.
Well that didn’t take long.
Back at Magid school, Harry receives a letter from Hermione informing him of her newest true love, at which he has a full on meltdown, smashing everything in the vicinity with his Magid powers until Draco yells, ‘Oh hell nah, we did not go through all this love triangle bullshit for Hermione to run off with Krum, something is up,’ and slaps some sense into Harry, a scene which essentially ends in Lupin running in screaming, ‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUCKERS?’
And I wish that was the last My Immortal comparison I’d find in this fic.
They get Fleur Delacour to seduce Lupin out of his office (I threw up in my mouth a little), before breaking in so Draco can nab his cursed sword back. Lupin’s locked it in an unbreakable case, but Draco deliberately pisses Harry off until his Magid rage comes back and smashes the case open. This is the first of several times they use enraged Harry to break shit, a trope I will henceforth refer to as Incredible Hulk Harry.
Harry and Draco team up with Ron and Ginny, and march up to Krum’s hotel room in London. But Krum’s like, ‘Oh, Hermy-ninny? I haffn’t seen her, but then I don’t remember literally any of yesterday except someone yelling “Imperio” at me.’
Luckily for the gang, Draco gave Hermione his epicyclical charm—that ugly ass necklace Lucius had in Draco Dormiens that contained Draco’s life force or whatever. So Draco can use that like a homing beacon to find Hermione. Also Harry has another mini meltdown because he’s so glad Hermione does love him after all
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away Hermione wakes up locked in a tower. Wormtail walks in and she’s like, ‘Aha, I should’ve known this was Voldemort’s doing!’ but Wormtail goes, ‘Nah, I got a bitchin’ new master now, check it out,’ and in walks motherfucking Salazar Slytherin.
Hermione understandably freaks the fuck out, not least because apparently Slytherin thought it’d be fashionable to get the Dark Mark tattooed on BOTH HIS CHEEKS. Yeah. Like Star Butterfly’s lil’ hearts.
He tells Hermione the Dark Mark was actually totes his idea, and Voldemort’s basically just a DeviantArt thief. Then he shows Hermione a tapestry of the Hogwarts founders, who look suspiciously like Hermione (Ravenclaw), Harry (Gryffindor), Ginny (Hufflepuff) and Draco (Slytherin).
The fic continues to spiral wildly into insanity as Slytherin announces Hermione is the Heir of Rowena Ravenclaw, who he was in love with until she ditched him for Gryffindor. But that’s OK because Slytherin has a handy dandy love potion to force Hermione to love him 5ever! Wormtail blindfolds Hermione and makes her chug the potion, and says she will fall in love with the first person she sees once the potion kicks in. Like a baby duck!
Side note: why does everyone, including the villains, want to sleep with Hermione?
So at this point I’m side-eyeing the fic furiously, because I can sense incoming love triangles like cats can sense earthquakes. Cast your bets who she falls in love with. (No, it’s not Wormtail.)
Halfway to Hermione (a great band name), Harry and co. are attached by dementors. Draco falls off his broom and breaks his leg, so while Ron and Ginny look for help, Harry teaches Draco the patronus charm.
Draco’s patronus is a dragon. Because of course it is.
Ron and Ginny happen to find Charlie Weasley, who happens to be in England and not Romania and happens to have a hoard of dragons with him and happens to have plenty of healers to fix Draco’s leg. Of course! He patches them up, shows them his dragons (not a euphemism) and lets them nance on to save Hermione.
Except Ginny.
Ginny’s not allowed to go.
Weird Canon Divergence #3: Ginny’s characterisation. Hindsight is 20/20 when you’ve read Order of the Phoenix, and I know the Draco Trilogy started before that. But still, reading Ginny Weasley, the quidditch champion, queen of bat bogey hexes, tomboy badass as a ‘girl’s girl more interested in boys and make up’ /stroppy teenager from hell is just … wrong. She acts, and is treated, much younger than the other characters, despite the pretty minimal age gap. I had 15 year-old friends when I was 16. The maturity level was not that different.
ANYWAY. Harry, Ron and Draco march up to this old castle in the woods, but it’s all locked up and guarded, so Draco’s like, ‘Well everyone pretty much still thinks I’m a Death Eater anyway, so why don’t I go in and let you in after?’ And Harry says, ‘Good idea,’ and Ron says, ‘Actually I’m also still 90% convinced you’re a Death Eater,’ but Draco goes in regardless.
He runs into a bunch of veelas, who fawn hilariously over him and reveal Weird Canon Divergence #4: veelas in the Draco Trilogy are straight-up bonafide dark creatures, who seduce men and then fucking eat them. Like a praying mantis.
Why not?
The veela tell Draco he’s defo got some veela heritage in him, before waltzing off, presumably to seduce and eat some men who aren’t related to them. Draco decides fuck Harry and Ron, and goes off to rescue Hermione on his own.
Hermione, also currently trying to escape, has a moment of mind-numbing stupidity and takes her blindfold off—and of course, sees Draco Malfoy.
It could’ve been Wormtail, Hermione.
He was in that castle.
WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THE BLINDFOLD OFF?
Hermione’s nearly as devastated as I am to discover the plot triangle Cassie killed at the end of Draco Dormiens has risen from its grave, and begs Draco not to tell Harry about the love potion. Because, you know, honesty isn’t that important in a relationship.
Weird Canon Divergence #4: love potions are illegal in the Draco Trilogy. I actually approve of this, because it’s always kind of boggled my mind how literal mind-control date rape drugs are A-OK in JKR’s world. Good job, Cassie, I guess?
Draco and Hermione leg it out the castle, but Slytherin blocks their way. He’s surprisingly chill, though, considering his whole love potion plan is now utterly fucked—he essentially pats Draco on the head and says, ‘Go get ‘em champ,’ before letting them out the door.
Suspicious as hell, but whatever.
Hermione sees Harry outside and flies into his arms, because apparently the love potion hasn’t cancelled out her love for Harry. Because otherwise the love triangle couldn’t continue! Then they all toddle back to Charlie’s dragon camp, and THEN.
Draco.
In leather pants.
YES IT HAPPENS.
(For those who don’t know, Draco in Leather Pants is a trope coined specifically from this fic, referring to bad boy characters who are really good at heart, but struggling with an inner turmoil because they might be kinda evil. Like Spike from Buffy. Except Spike was well written.)
Anyway, Ginny sees Draco in leather pants, and her ovaries basically leap into her throat and throttle her. She tells Hermione she fancies Draco now, and not ten minutes later she catches Hermione and Draco snogging the shit out of each other. Because love triangles. Painful, painful love triangles.
Ginny’s mad as hell, but for some reason also agrees not to tell Harry about the love potion, and they all jet back to Malfoy Manor, aka Sirius and Narcissa’s house. Because yes, in case you forgot, Sirius/Narcissa is a thing in this fic. And they are engaged. Making Harry and Draco soon to be brothers. Sort of.
Hermione hits the books looking for love potion cures and they send a letter to Snape asking for help, figuring Snape will at least help Draco if not the rest of them. Meanwhile, Draco visits Daddy Dearest in prison, who tells him being good is dumb, Malfoys are always evil, and Draco is destined to murder the shit out of Harry and become either Slytherin or Voldemort’s minion. Then, shortly after Draco leaves, Lucius summons demons in his cell and accidentally blows himself the fuck up.
Good job, Lucius.
All the love potion research comes up nil, and they find the only way to end it is for either Draco or Hermione to die. Then Harry finds out about the love potion after all and has another Incredible Hulk meltdown.
Draco, who by now is living through Draco Malfoy and the Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad, No Good Day, takes the epicyclical charm/ugly ass necklace off Hermione, kisses her, probably insults her, and shoots away on his Firebolt. Not his Nimbus 2001, because apparently Cassie forgot what broom Draco has.
I won’t lie, a good chunk of the middle of this fic is a blur, but it involves:
Sirius and Lupin having 10x the chemistry of Sirius and Narcissa
Slytherin’s Evil McNasty sword trying to make Draco kill Harry, and also refusing to be thrown away like goddamn Three Wolf Moon
Ginny exploring a quarry underneath the Burrow and finding Fred and George’s porn stash
Draco getting a will-strengthening potion off Snape so he can fight the temptation to murder Harry, and discovering Snape’s heart-print pyjamas and beautiful singing voice
Draco making out with Fleur, because why not?
Sirius, Lupin and Snape going to St Mungo’s because a ~mysterious dark wizard~ killed Cornelius Fudge and put Dumbledore in a coma
Neville giving Draco a concussion
Harry and Hermione doing lots of kissing and not much else
An illustration of Snape and Malfoy in which Snape has a fucking evil goatee
Arthur fucking Weasley is announced as the new Minister of Magic
Draco appearing at the Burrow to apologise for being a dickweasel to Ginny, and then making out with her as well
Harry appears outside the Burrow to try and talk sense into Draco, but Draco’s will strengthening potion runs out and he stabs Harry in the chest. Luckily, Harry isn’t really Harry, but a magic projection thing, and the real Harry is chilling in bed back at Malfoy Manor courtesy of some spell I can’t remember well enough to explain.
Regardless, Wormtail chooses this moment to pop up and … Christ on a bike, Wormtail is without doubt the single worst written character in this entire godforsaken fanfic.
See what I mean? It sounds NOTHING LIKE Wormtail. Although I’ve never seen that dialogue before, my suspicion is it’s nicked from something else. When I said I read Draco Dormiens with constant paranoia, this is what I meant. Some dialogue’s out of character, or the style changes for a few paragraphs, and the alarm bells just won’t stop ringing.
Wormtail demands Draco come and work for Slytherin, and Draco refuses, so Wormtail reveals his shiny new arm-sword and they have a scrap, until Wormtail pushes Draco in the river and drowns him.
Wormtail vanishes, and Draco gets to have a fun time in Purgatory nattering with Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, and also Harry’s parents, while Ron and Ginny drag Draco out the river. Harry makes Ron perform mouth-to-mouth on Draco because boys kissing is hil-arious!
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at Malfoy Manor, Hermione knows instantly that Draco’s died because she feels the love potion break. She panics and runs for Sirius, but finds him a wee bit occupied with Lupin, who’s turned into a werewolf because Slytherin is Calling all the dark creatures to come join him. Luckily, Hermione found this funky silver necklace, which turns out to be a lycanthe, which repels werewolves, and also does whatever other plot-helpful Cassie needs for a given chapter.
They lock up Lupin safely, and also manage to lock up the demon that attacked Draco right at the beginning of the fic in the cell right next to him. So you know. He’ll have a friend.
Harry wakes up and tells Hermione to chill, because Draco is alive thanks to Ron’s CPR, and they zip to the Burrow together to celebrate with Jesus!Draco. Then we get Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #1: Ron offering to teach Draco to play chess. D’aww.
We get some flashbacks via Draco and Hermione’s dreams, and learn that Slytherin got all his power from Hell, and also his bitchin’ ass sword, which he was meant to give back but has somehow wangled his way out of it until now (thus the pissed-off demon in the Malfoy Manor basement). Also he created werewolves, veelas, basilisks and a shit tonne of other dark creatures, which he refers to as ‘experiments’ like a mad scientist. Hermione reads a bunch of books about Slytherin and tries to tell Harry and Ron about this magic orb Slytherin has that either unleashes all his powers or kills him or probably both, but they’re like, ‘Yawn, boring,’ because of course they wouldn’t be interested in information about the villain they are supposed to be fighting against in this fic GDI.
Anywhoo, the group all chill out until Salazar Slytherin kicks in the door, like ‘GRANDMA, IT’S ME, ANASTASIA’ and kidnaps Harry and Draco, leaving the others behind because meh.
At this point, I’d like to take a brief break from the plot to address a question I kept asking myself throughout the entire fic:
What the fuck is Voldemort doing all this time?
He’s nowhere. Wormtail makes vague assertions he might be dead, but Slytherin later says he’s alive. Voldemort’s return in canon is the turning point of Harry Potter. It changes everything. Hogwarts isn’t safe anymore. The children have to grow up. Characters die. But in the Draco Sinister, Voldemort’s fobbed off like he’s unimportant or uninteresting. Characters keep crying ‘Slytherin is far worse than Voldemort!’, which might make sense if Cassie had killed off Voldemort in Draco Dormiens, and needed a bigger, badder villain for the sequel. But she didn’t. Voldemort is still out there. Twiddling his thumbs. Knitting jumpers for Nagini ,for all we know.
OK. OK, back to the fic.
So, Narcissa has a natter with the demon in the basement, who reveals that yep, the demons want the sword back from Slytherin, but Slytherin has to return it by his own hand. Otherwise, the demons will have to take a descendant of Slytherin blood has repayment. Handily, it turns out Harry and Draco both have Slytherin heritage, so now Slytherin has a choice. Good for him.
Hermione’s lycanthe activates GPS mode, and takes them into the quarry underneath the Burrow, where Ginny says she had another older brother who drowned. Seems like a weird, shoe-horned in detail now, and that’s because it kind of is. After some puzzles, they discover a time turner that used to belong to Hufflepuff. Since Ginny is the reincarnation of Hufflepuff or whatever, she gets the time turner.
You may be wondering why the boys get swords and the girls get necklaces. And I’m sure Cassie Claire has a good explanation for that.
But I don’t.
So, Harry and Draco wake up locked in a big adamantine cell. Adamantine is basically Cassie’s Magid kryptonite, meaning they’re basically stuffed. They argue for a bit about whether Draco is gay, ending in Draco giving Harry hair care tips because this fic is weird, and then for the lols, Draco decides to teach Harry how to fence.
Now, I’m not an expert on sword fighting. I know a bit. But one thing I know for sure?
You cannot fence with swords made in the Dark Ages.
Fencing foils are lightweight, thin and poky, made for stabbing your enemy so full of holes he bleeds to death. Swords in the Dark Ages were whacking great bludgeons with sharp edges, made for separating limbs from bodies. They were heavy bastards; they were not made for lunging and poking and riposte-ing.
You cannot fence. With a sodding broadsword.
While Harry and Draco are having their ridiculous and physically impossible sword fight, the cell door opens and Fleur Delacour walks in like, ‘I’m here to rescue you, bitches!’ Harry doesn’t trust her because she’s ‘boy crazy’ (a trait of every female character in this fic, so hardly a reason for distrust) but regardless they follow her outside.
She leads them through the famously plagiarised nightmare grass scene, and then underground to a locked door. Draco gets Harry to Incredible Hulk the door open by informing him his dead parents are stuck in Purgatory, after which Fleur betrays them and leaves them to get eaten by a manticore.
Harry and Draco kill the manticore, getting Harry utterly soaked in manticore blood in the process. Like, ‘took a bath in blood’ kind of soaked. Slytherin shows up, and in Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #2, Harry yells, ‘We killed your monster and we’re not sorry!’ and Slytherin says, ‘Well, duh, that’s what I wanted you to do.’
Slytherin sends Harry back to the dungeons but keeps Draco to be his evil minion, then hacks open the manticore and pulls his magic orb out of its stomach (um … you might wanna wash that off, bud). But now he needs all the Hogwarts founders’ Heirs to touch the orb so he can get his power back. Or die? The fic never seemed decided on whether opening the orb was a good thing or a bad thing. Both sides seemed to want it to happen, and also to not happen.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Ron, Hermione and Ginny use the time turner to go to the Dark Ages, during the original war with Slytherin. They meet wee Ben Gryffindor, Godric’s twelve-year-old son, and Rowena Ravenclaw, who is dying. Rowena initially refuses to speak to Ron because he’s not an Heir, at which point I started screeching incomprehensibly, because that’s not how heirs work. If anything, Bill should be Hufflepuff’s heir. Definitely not Ginny, the youngest sibling.
But no, Heir is Cassie Claire’s dumb way of saying “reincarnation”, and eventually Ravenclaw lets Ron in anyway and tells him that, as a seventh son, he’s totes psychic.
If you just counted the Weasley brothers on your fingers, don’t worry, I did the same. I also got to six, got annoyed, and then remembered that extra brother Cassie shoehorned in who drowned. I guess you got me, Cassie. Bravo.
Wee Ben Gryffindor takes the gang to Slytherin’s castle, and lets them in the adamantine cell. Ginny uses the time turner to take them back to the future …
… Where Slytherin is having a whale of a time psychologically torturing Draco. He has his own Mirror of Erised dealie, which shows you ‘who you truly are’. Draco sees his whole ancestral line of unapologetic dickfucks and realises he can never be truly Good™. Slytherin also gives Draco the Dark Mark, because FASHION, then sticks him in a room with Fleur Delacour and tells them to get it on, because apparently he invented veela for the sole purpose of procreation and I just threw up in my mouth again.
Draco and Fleur do not get it on. Draco does what any sensible person would do in this situation: orders cocktails and gets thoroughly shitfaced.
See the thing is, Draco’s whole tortured evil/good dilemma would be a lot more compelling in this fic if he actually had to overcome something besides teenage angst bullshit. The fic separates everything into pure Good and Evil, states that Harry and Hermione are just naturally good, and the Malfoy family are just naturally bad, and that’s it. But that’s not how morality works.
Real people have good traits and bad traits, and in fiction, overcoming those bad traits is how redemption arcs happen. For Draco’s redemption to be rewarding, we need to see him overcome a character flaw. But he doesn’t. He just Decides To Be Good.
SIGH.
So Hermione, Ginny and Ron pop into the future, and find Harry sitting in the adamantine cell alone. And Harry’s like, ‘I guess Draco’s evil now?’ and they’re like, ‘I doubt it, this fic is literally named after him,’ but then the door opens and Hermione, Ron and Ginny all have to huddle under the invisibility cloak.
Draco comes in with Slytherin, gloats evilly for a bit, cuts Harry’s arm probably by accident, and nances off again. Ron and Hermione run out to free Harry, and realise Ginny’s missing because she ran after Draco.
Oh. BOY.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Sirius gets a will-strengthening potion off Snape to cure his lover Lupin’s permanent-werewolf-ness, then they visit Godric’s Hollow to get Harry a magic scabbard that also used to belong to Godric Gryffindor. Happy Christmas, Harry. No more chopping your belt off every time you try to sheathe your sword.
(And yes, swords do basically replace wands in this fic. Magids can do wandless magic anyway. IDK. Cassie Claire just really hates wands, apparently.)
Sirius and Lupin break into Slytherin’s castle with a scene ripped from Buffy, and are swiftly separated as Lupin is shut in with the other werewolves, and Sirius, claiming to be a vampire, is dragged off to meet the new general of Slytherin’s armies.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Draco, still pissed as a parrot, is chilling in his room when Ginny marches in. Then, in Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #3, Ginny proceeds to rip the sweet shit out of Draco Malfoy’s emo ass, because if he wants to be Good™, he can start by being less of a pussy and fixing his shit.
Draco kisses Ginny, and the whole thing is thoroughly ruined when Fleur reminds them she’s still in the room. Ginny assumes Draco is sleeping with Fleur (and pretty much anything on two legs); Draco does nothing to help this assumption; and Ginny magically sobers him up as revenge.
At this point, Draco’s called away to deal with some other shit, so Ginny talks to Fleur and finds out she’s not evil either, she’s just protecting her sister, blah blah blah. Fleur also gabbles more about how SUPER SCARY Slytherin is, like he made a whole army disappear once, and he can control his minion’s minds, and Ginny’s like ‘OK cool bye’ and uses her time turner to GTFO.
The other shit Draco has to deal with turns out to be Sirius, because Draco is apparently now head of Slytherin’s armies. For convoluted reasons, Draco has Sirius locked in the dungeon. For his own protection. Or something.
Then Draco runs off to rescue Harry with Hermione and Ron, but Slytherin catches them. He locks up Draco with Harry in the adamantine cell, and sends Hermione and Ron to the dungeons with Sirius. Lucky for them, Sirius has his magic pencils, which they get to work using to draw a door back to the adamantine cell. (Ron can draw in this fic. Ron the Psychic Artist, still better than Ron the Death Eater.)
In the adamantine cell, Slytherin makes Draco run Harry through with his sword, but it’s OK because manticore blood apparently makes you temporarily immortal, and Harry got drenched in it. Cassie actually points out that this is in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, which is great and all, but good writing would have still involved actually foreshadowing that shit in the fanfic. Then bunch of demons pop up to explain the whole contract with Hell Slytherin’s got going on, and to remind them they really, really need to get Slytherin to give that sword back by his own hand, or Hell will take one of them instead. Just to remind you. No pressure. The demons vanish as Hermione, Sirius and Ron get inside the room.
This is another part of the fic that I don’t 100% remember because there’s a lot of Scooby Doo style running about and getting separated and getting unseparated again, but it includes Sirius running to save his one true love Lupin and finding Fleur as well, Harry and Hermione winding up in an underground cavern with a bunch of merveela (yes, mermaid-veela) and Draco and Ron getting chased by dementors.
In the distant past, Ginny meets grown-up Ben Gryffindor, and convinces him to let her pinch his army and send them to the future. It turns out Slytherin didn’t make the army disappear—Ginny did.
So Cassie Claire understands how time turners work better than the people who wrote Cursed Child. Go figure.
Ginny pops into the future with her army, and in Moment I Unironically Enjoyed #4, rides in on a FUCKING DRAGON to rescue Ron and Draco from the dementors.
Sirius gets Lupin and the other werewolves out safe, who turn out to be … pretty adorable? They all just want to bake cakes and make bunting. Lupin stops them all going haywire by giving them Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans spiked with his will-strengthening potion, so they basically all wander off and make a drum circle somewhere for the rest of the fic. I don’t know.
Ron’s injured and thus out for the count, but Ginny and Draco charge back in the castle to rescue Harry and Hermione.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Harry and Hermione find Slytherin’s orb and try to open it, because … ???
Well, the orb doesn’t open because they’re still missing the Hufflepuff and Slytherin Heirs, but Slytherin himself appears and promptly captures Harry and Hermione until Draco and Ginny show up, and also try to open the orb.
That’s all four Heirs, so Slytherin now becomes Super Saiyan Slytherin, laughs maniacally, and mind-controls Draco to toss Harry over to the demons. Draco has one last moment of pure emo dipshittery, until Harry, Hermione and Ginny collectively yell at him to get his shit together.
Draco chops off Slytherin’s hand, wraps his fingers around the sword, and tosses that at the demons. This would be a clever twist on the whole ‘give it back with his own hand’, except I read Avocado’s exposé and I know it’s stolen.
Oh well.
The demons take the sword, and for good measure also take Slytherin to Hell. Draco passes the fuck out while the castle collapses like Ganondorf’s dungeon at the end of Ocarina of Time, but they all escape ready to live happily ever after.
At this point, I looked warily at the word count.
Draco Dormiens wasted half a fic on sodding love triangles long after the plot was over. Draco Sinister is way longer, and I was honestly dreading slogging through the miles of shipping at the end of this fic.
But actually, Cassie was merciful. The end of the fic is one chapter, featuring Harry’s birthday, for which Sirius basically throws together a freaking Gatsby Party. I guess he realised he had access to the Malfoy vault all of a sudden. For some reason I cannot fathom, Snape is invited to this party. Unfortunately, it doesn’t end with him getting shot in the swimming pool.
Harry and Hermione smooch. Ron makes out with a veela … which … not a great idea, considering they’re still literal man-eaters, but whatever I guess. Draco and Ginny do some romance, but it’s interrupted.
By Enoby Raven Dark’ness Dementia Way.
I’m not kidding.
Well I kind of am.
But not really.
She’s pale, and black-haired, and wearing a corset, and she introduces herself as Draco’s cousin, Rhysenn Malfoy. And immediately invites him to stick his hand down her top.
She gives Draco Lucius’s signet ring, and also a message from Lucius, which essentially reads, ‘Not dead, ur lame. Thnx 4 killing slytherin tho, voldy sends love and kisses.’
Because apparently Voldemort has finished knitting Nagini’s sodding jumper.
Draco runs into Dumbledore, now recovered from his coma, who tells him not to worry about Voldemort, because that’s Harry’s job. He also says Draco did a good job resisting Slytherin’s mind-control because of love. I suspect Dumbledore whips this explanation out for anything he doesn’t know the answer to. What happened to Amelia Earhart? Love. What’s with the Bermuda Triangle? Love. What’s the answer to life, the universe and everything? IDK, probably love. Or 42.
Dumbledore also says Slytherin lied about that magic mirror—it actually shows your greatest fears, not your true self. So Draco totes has every chance to be Good™ after all.
Draco heads back to the party, and he and Harry agree to be frenemies next year, and … that’s the end of the fic.
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When I read Draco Dormiens, I couldn’t understand how Cassie Claire became a BNF. Draco Dormiens was bad. Bad characters, bad plot, bad writing, bad, bad, bad.
The first half of Draco Sinister is bad. Dredging the Harry/Hermione/Draco love triangle back up with a love potion is dumb. Voldemort just pissing off doing nothing for the whole fic is dumb. Every line of dialogue given to Wormtail is dumb. The dozens upon dozens of lines lifted from Blackadder, Red Dwarf and various other sources, regardless of whether they’re in-character or suit the mood or the scene or the setting, are infuriatingly dumb.
But about halfway through the fic, it’s like Cassie got her act together.
I don’t know if this is because halfway through the fic, Cassie was banned from FFN for plagiarism. I don’t know—she still uses quotes all the way through, but possibly doesn’t lean so heavily on them. Maybe it’s because she realised an actual plot was more interesting than constant angst romance. But for whatever reason, it got better.
And I want to read Draco Veritas now. Not just to look at a trainwreck, but because I’m kind of invested. But when I do, I will spork the hell out of it.
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