#but isn't it just the everyday terror of being in charge of yourself

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#i have a light feeling that my mom might be hinting at something #with the whole. mentioning my mood swings and sensory issues and poor social skills and such #i say i'm unsure because she's not one to be subtle in situations like this? so i feel like i'm projecting #but she did suggest (partially related) going to a psychologist #and the thing about me is that i'm very self aware about my many flaws and therefore have decided #that i can't fix them or that it's not that bad as long as *i know* the issue is there #which is starting to sound like an issue in itself? but i feel like im being way too dramatic every time #i know i'm just in a stressful spot in my life and that it will pass in a few months #but i am starting to seriously consider getting an outsider's perspective. just in case #im feeling down *all* the time lately but there's always a reason to blame so i feel like it's just rotten luck and not something within me #there's not enough time but also too much of it for me to make excuses for not being able to do Anything at all and i feel paralyzed #but isn't it just the everyday terror of being in charge of yourself #i wish i could come up with a definite answer but there isn't one and the childish part of me is so frustrated with it #i have a fantasy of violently breaking my arms that doesn't lead anywhere i just feel the urge consistently enough that it's a pattern #(ive never self harmed i know i won't that's why it's just a fantasy) #i crave complete anonymity i crave deep genuine human connection and i don't want to talk to anyone. ever again. #ive talked with at least three different people partially about those thoughts #but talking about it is difficult and like pulling teeth #im clumsy with my words. can't quite find the precise meaning i want. i stutter and hum and mumble #i hate talking but if i don't i will explode #i want to be taken seriously but saying things outloud makes them sound so harsh and i don't know if it is that serious #but it's a pebble of thought that i can't stop turning around in my head over and over and over until im sick #never! ending! story! jesus christ #vent post #← tagging just in case #pretend you've never read it