#but im trying to think about what my personal and specific relating to toki is

[janokenmun]

yknow what im gonna talk about my autism now. i have thoughts in my brain and i wish to post them (also disclaimer: i'm not 100% sure i have autism? i've always explained it as being on the border of autistic and neurotypical and i'm not fully sure which side i fall on)

im very low needs id say! i can largely function on my own, mostly it's a bit hard to take shower (hair being wet = mild bad sensory) but that's something i feel i can work on and actively get better at

the highest-needs part for me is like. if doing things for someone else, i need things explained in a Very Specific way! it has to be a completely unambiguous instruction list; i've compared it to like, instructions a robot could use. if there's anything ambiguous, i have to ask about it, and if i can't ask about it, i just end up shutting down. (this also applies to doing basically anything for the first time if it's important!)

like for example, helping clean stuff up! valid instruction sets:

"take all of these items in this specific location, and move them to this other location."

"i'll sort the items into piles. anything in pile A, put on the bookshelf. anything in pile B, put in the pantry. anything in pile C, put in your room or the basement (your choice; there's no consequences for your choices here, it doesn't matter). anything in pile D, put in the trash." (this arrangement works very well for me!!!)

"anything in this area with property A, put in location A. anything with property B, put in location B. anything with property C, put in location C." (a bit harder, there'll be a lot of questions of things on the boundary or things with multiple relevant properties)

but if it's something like, i don't know where they want it, i will ask A Lot of questions, like one per item! and this can often get annoying to people which sucks since if i can't ask, i just shut down!

beyond that, it's mostly stuff like needing jokes to be clarified a lot, since often i'll read something as way harsher than it's intended. some people i know are really cool and will include things like "(this is a joke)" on most or all of the jokes they make! i like those people. it's hard for me to be friends with someone if i don't feel comfortable approaching them to ask for clarification on the tone of a message, but i can be acquaintances with them without too much difficulty.

then there's some relatively minor things, like i mishear things a lot and will ask "what'd you say?" a Lot! and i'll also tune out by accident while reading or thinking about something and then i'll come back to reality like "wait whatd you say i was thinking about british telephone boxes". also some images and sounds are bad sensory to me, it's not a huge deal since if it's an image i can just Look Away like switching to another chat, if it's on discord or similar i'll have to either be tabbed out or on another chat 99% of the time, or do a big screen-clearing message of purely newlines. (my gf is trying very hard to spoiler-tag things she thinks might be bad sensory! is very good.)

that's basically all of my needs relating to other people, the rest of my autism (as far as i know) essentially boils down to little challenges i can overcome on my own or little personality quirks (disclaimer: idk how many of these are autism-related, if any!). like how i will get obsessed with something and talk about it frequently for WEEKS (right now it's rats and toki pona)! or looking at a message, reading it, and then taking 7 years to reply since it was too much mental effort to reply just then and then i tab out and forget and the next time that person messages i'm like "oh yeah you said something!!". or listening to the same song for hours straight! or stuff like eating the exact same thing for lunch, every day, for years, with few exceptions (it's a ham and cheese sandwich with exactly 4 slices of ham)! or looking at a box and thinking. wow. this is an amazing piece of engineering. and inspecting every detail of the box

also uh i use a lot of words since i like being precise. which, i Imagine is Somewhat Evident in this post! (also i have no idea how i should do tags so i have been very conservative with them on this post)

#autism

[beulf]

...i wrote a better post that tumblr destroyed but anyway i think i Just missed metalocalypse discourse hours but my 2 cents on toki:

toki had the worst childhood by a longshot at levels i think can be classified as torture, which explains his bad behavior when hes pushed to intolerable levels, and even then he keeps that under wraps a LOT better than i think id expect otherwise, and say what you will but i honestly think this point alone makes me really sympathetic to him and makes up for what is, at worst, bratty entitled behavior (and killing that one guy, but considering the death toll in the mtl universe, i also dont think thats that big of a deal)

i think being part of dethklok which is so tremendously good and spoiling compared to his shitty childhood did make him a lot more entitled and specifically i definitely agree on every level about his beef w skwisgaar being like 90% his own fault (as a sidebar, i do think skwisgaar is really good and did nothing wrong, in general) but i really dont find toki to be significantly worse of a person than any other member of dethklok, in fact:

maybe a controversial opinion but i dont think toki is malicious or sadistic at all, in a “normal” state hes really quite sweet and softhearted, regarding the way he treats animals and children, and his friends too! (my brains a little scrambled but off the top of my head the first example i can think of is the chicken nuggets lol)

also, as a personal aside, a big bonus reason i love toki a lot is because i relate to the “cute and sweet”/”preoccupation w violence” dichotomy somewhat in that i feel like i really understand having internal fucked up tendencies due to trauma (disclaimer mine not nearly as bad as toki's tho), and just having these inner demons but personally wanting to quash that and be happy and enjoy your life as much as possible and spread happiness, maybe doing so by taking solace in innocent, cute, cuddly things and thats good; my point here is that i don't like or agree with posts that make him out to be like secretly evil or fucked up he just has trauma lol

in conclusion: toki isnt infallible but actually hes good

#this is genuinely a nonmalicious post i think all viewpoints are valid #but im trying to think about what my personal and specific relating to toki is #metalocalypse #i REALLY hope this sounds lucid it seems longwinded to me #toki wartooth