#but if you have a seven rarepair let me know: i eat this fucking shit up
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under the cut I'll be explaining why I ship them and some other gay ass nonsense
(also, you CAN reblog this but it's mostly meant for mutuals/followers)
seven/odo:
autism to autism communication. also gender. also the struggle to connect to one's self. and I also feel like they'd just get along??? what's hard to get lmao
seven/jadzia:
that fucking TV guide photoshoot RUINED ME and also they're tall. and gender again. that's gonna be a theme.
mirror!seven/mirror!kira:
'why mirror and not normal?' because the dark passion books is completely full of their toxic yuri faggotry and the power dynamic/imbalance between them is so so sexy (kira literally has seven flaunt around in a Gul uniform just to piss off Dukat it's so funny)
seven/data:
more autism to autism communication. and gender. and their struggles with coming to terms with (or lack thereof) their humanity is something they could bond over. also fuck Terry Matalas, really had seven refer to as data as "the robot", I waited years for them to interact and his pissshit ass did that. FUCK TOU IM GONNA MAKE THEM FUCK NASTY
seven/kirk:
I mean
I wrote the first seven/kirk fic on ao3
I'm the captain
seven/beverly:
seven and her milf kink. do I have to say more? but honestly idk I just like it. I wrote about it kinda in a fic on ao3, about how seven has picards memories, when he became locutus, she remembers his love for Beverly. and that became sevens love of Beverly, yada yada yada
anyways!!!!
#uhhhhh#ill pin this#but if you have a seven rarepair let me know: i eat this fucking shit up#and i mean a rarepair goddamnit dont be funny and send me c7 ill beat the shit out of you
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Rarepair generator: Zabuza & Kisame (1600 words)
Kisame is the first to sniff him out among the mountain of corpses that litter the ruins of the Academy. It’s easy because, the closer he gets, the thicker the miasma of killing intent becomes. Like a cornered dog kicked too many times, the class-killer growls low in warning, black eyes wide and bloodshot.
A total runt, Kisame thinks disappointedly.
“Congratulations,” Kisame says instead, and drops a freshly pressed towel and a water bottle at the feet of the boy in question. “You are now officially the youngest ninja of the Hidden Village of the Mist.” He looks around gamely. “Seems like you’ll stay that way for a while, too, seeing as you killed all the competition.”
The kid is stiff and silent but clearly hungry. He scrabbles over for the water bottle and drowns it in a rush, his thin neck pulsating with every swallow.
“What’s your name, soldier?” Kisame asks.
“Don’t have one,” the kid rasps, revealing filed teeth. A bastard of some Hozuki, most likely.
“An orphan, huh...” Kisame looks at that emaciated body and does some quick mental math. “You’re not even an academy student, are you?”
The kid has the audacity to flash him a sneering grin. “Now, no one is.”
“Hm,” Kisame says. "We might have a problem.”
--
They have a problem.
They’re at war with half the elemental countries and already bleeding soldiers faster than they can breed them, and now a whole generation of up-and-comings have been eliminated by an insolent upstart with no family to take the fall for it all. The Mizukage is, understandably, pissed the fuck off.
But maybe it’s a sign the runt’s gonna be destined for great things ‘cause he’s the reason the Mizukage finally does away with the Hidden Mist’s infamous graduation exam. Kisame’s not particularly glad of it -- he killed his classmates and came out all the stronger for it, in his opinion -- but he’s smart enough not to question it.
Then, shockingly, after ten years of ceaselessly hunting down those with a bloodline limit due to a failed coup composed of the very same, the Mizukage relents and orders that no further harm may come to them. Indeed, they are encouraged to reveal themselves and join the war effort.
Terumi Mei-san’s ecstatic, of course, until the next order comes down the pipeline: all women of child-bearing age are to produce a child for the good of the country, effective immediately. She fucking hates it, but she loves her country more, so she asks Kisame if he’d do her the honour and he shrugs and says sure. They’ve had sex before and it was good so what if now it’s under orders?
(In the end, it’s a rotten way to find out she’s infertile.)
--
In retrospect, the runt’s probably spared for the same reasons. They can no longer afford to mindlessly kill their own, not with the rest of the world doing it for them. The Mizukage has Kisame interrogate him just long enough to beat the truth out of him: how had he done it?
“It was easy,” the boy had said, spitting blood. “I just convinced them all to kill each other.”
The kid’s got guts, if nothing else.
--
The Mizukage gifts him to Biwa Juuzo-san, after. To break, to eat, or to raise, it’s his call. Poor bastard.
--
The next time Kisame meets the kid, he’s been given the name Zabu, which, according to Juuzo’s hodgepodge kanji, appears to mean Failure. Despite the moniker, however, Juuzo seems to like the kid. Perhaps a bit too much, Kisame thinks, but he keeps that to himself.
“Well, if it’s isn’t Mr. Waterbottle,” the runt says, flashing a mouthful of teeth. “I never caught your name, big guy.”
“Hoshigaki Kisame,” he says. “Good to see you well, Zabu-san.”
“Hah! San!” The kid barks out a pleased laugh. “I like the sound of that!”
Juuzo promptly backhands him to the ground. “Mind your manners, boy! He’s Fuguki’s tool, a weapon of the Seven Swordsman.”
The kid spits blood like it’s a well practiced motion. “Just like I’m yours, huh?”
“He’s not housebroken yet,” Juuzo apologizes. “Orphans. You know how they are.”
Housebroken or not, Zabu’s a well honed weapon. He keeps up with them without complaint, and kills on command with no hesitation. At night, he retreats into Juuzo’s tent like a kunai would to a holster, sharp end first.
--
Being as they are both subordinates to two of the infamous seven Swordmen of the Mist, they see a fair amount of each other over the next couple of years. Zabu stretches out like ninja wire, thin and sharp and nigh unbreakable. His eyes gets sharper and crueler until all that’s left of that cocky-mouthed runt is his odd charisma, the very same that helped him convince a hundred little boys and girls to rip each other to pieces.
“Our country could be so much greater,” he says. “Don’t you think, Hoshigaki?”
Kisame eyes him carefully. To speak against the Mizukage is akin to suicide, and he himself has killed men for less. “What are you getting at?”
Zabu’s eyes glint oddly in the firelight. “The country of Wind is dry, infertile. The land of Earth, selfsame. But ours is rich with rivers and wetland. We eat each other for lack of food, when we could be feeding ourselves rice and barley.”
How the years have changed this street rat to a philosopher, Kisame does not know. But he finds it amusing, nonetheless.
“You wish to become a farmer, Zabu-san?”
The brat grins sharp and jagged. “Nah,” he says. “Tools don’t dream of anything.”
--
Then some fucking green-ass genin from the Leaf goes and kills six of the seven Swordsmen, rendering them an international laughingstock and blowing whatever prestige it was to wield those swords out of the water and into the frying pan, because now they’re a bleeding fish out at sea, and all the world’s a shark ready to devour them whole.
To make matters worse, Fuguki-san has the fucking indecency of surviving the ordeal long enough to betray them to the Leaf, so Kisame’s the very last to inherit his sword, and by that time, he’s already lost any such illusion about his country being in any way capable of becoming greater than absolute zero.
--
Zabu, now sole master of the massive Kubikiribōchō, officially adds a third kanji to his name that means He Who Beheads. Kisame wonders if it’s a petty way of forcing the whole world to address him with respect even if they don’t want to, because Zabuzan sounds pretty fucking close to Zabu-san to his ears. He doesn’t say anything about that, though.
And when ‘Zabuza-san’ brings back a street rat he picked up from some godforsaken village and declares it his own personal tool, Kisame doesn’t say anything about that, either. Privately he thinks Juuzo would be rolling in his grave, if he had any.
Mei then lets it slip that Zabuza is planning a coup, gathering followers and inspiring rebellion. Kisame is surprised by how unsurprised he is, and wholly unengaged. Years ago his first gut reaction would’ve been violence, a dog trained to defend his Mizukage even when his master was fucking insane, but now his heart’s not in it. He just doesn’t give a shit.
Kisame doesn’t stick around to watch the fallout. He strikes a line through his headband and fucks off.
Mei’s devastated, of course, but she loves her country more, and it’s only by the grace of Samehada that Kisame makes it out alive. He wonders, as he leaves her bleeding, what their child would have looked like.
It probably would have died in the womb, Kisame thinks, and thinks on it no more.
--
They meet again as missing nin, years later. Zabuza’s coup failed and he left the country; Kisame left the country and joined a coup. How fate plays tricks on fools, Kisame thinks.
“Zabu-san,” Kisame says politely. “Good to see you well.”
Zabuza grins. “You too, big guy.”
Zabuza’s still being accompanied by his street rat, who he creatively named White Snow. The kid’s smooth where Zabuza is sharp, polite where Zabuza is rude, and is, overall, disgustingly saccharine with the man. And they’re clearly more than just a weapon to Zabuza, but Mist has never raised a child that knew how to love before they knew how to kill.
“Me and Haku are mercenaries,” Zabuza says. “For now.” He explains that they’re traveling around, gathering funds and followers across the elemental countries, with the ultimate goal of killing the mad Mizukage once and for fucking all. “We’re gonna make Water Country great again,” he says, and Kisame is reminded of Mei, of her unwavering love of the country Kisame has lost all loyalty to, and then Zabuza goes and says, “will you join us, Mr. Waterbottle?”
He really is a charming piece of shit, Kisame thinks fondly.
He doesn’t join them, but he does pledge his funds to Zabuza’s cause. And if he takes what payment Akatsuki gives him and deviates them to his old comrade in search of a better world, then no one has to know.
--
He hears of Zabuza’s death from his partner Uchiha Itachi. Apparently Itachi’s little brother and his team blew a hole through Haku’s heart and Zabuza died of heartbreak. The irony is not lost on Kisame.
“I am sorry,” Itachi says.
“Nah,” Kisame says. “We weren’t close.” Later, he says, “he wanted to be a farmer, I think.”
#karaii fic#would their pairing name be#kisazabu#?#tagging also for#zabuhaku#kisamei#kisaita#there's no sex btw this is pretty gen#(all my drabbles seem to be gen lmao)#content warnings for implied child abuse tho
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Fucking FanFiction.net, Man
Thanks to @crushingonsans for tagging me in this because hot damn if this wasn’t fun to do. mine aren’t as good, but whatever. there’s only so much a man can do :’c
Razz (SFS)
Fell (UFP)
Lust (ULS)
Pink (ULP)
Sans (UTS)
Error
Blue (USS)
Papyrus (UTP)
Stretch (USP)
Red (UFS)
Slim (SFP)
Ink
-(1) and (7) are in a happy relationship until (7) dumps (1) for (9). (1), brokenhearted, goes on one date with (11), has an unhappy breakup with (12), then follows the wise advice of (5) and finds true love with (3).
Razz and Blue are in a happy relationship until Blue dumps Razz for Stretch. Razz, brokenhearted, goes on one date with Slim, has an unhappy breakup with Ink, then follows the wise advice of Sans and finds true love with Lust.
I mean…… I don’t know man,,,,.,.,. I was excited for a split second with the rottenberry and then it fucked me over (although i do like razz/lust)
-If you wrote a Song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose?
(Papyrus)
he he
I’ve had this one for a while in all honesty.
-3 told you that she will soon be getting married to 2. What is your reaction?
(Lust, Fell)
*looks at crush and fresh’s roommate bros rp* cool
-When was the last time you read a fic about Five?
(Sans)
Hmm i mean,..,., idk man its hard to find a good fic with this character in it, he’s just so rare i mean.,.,
-6 kidnapped you, why is this?
(Error)
Hey crush, we both got kidnapped by Error, high five! also it’s probably bc im very gay, ngl
-Does anyone on your friends list consider Three hot?
(Lust)
I mean some people may be in denial about it but im pretty sure that everyone thinks that he’s hot lmfao
-If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what warning would it have?
(Razz, Error, Ink)
In all honesty if i did it would be Razz getting kidnapped by Error for being a “glitch of a glitch” so maybe kidnapping? Though it would probably involve a lot of memes and bad humor too so maybe not too much bad? Mostly just Razz being annoyed that the supposed god-like beings of the mulitverse fight and argue like little children.
-6 is extremely pissed off about something, why is this? And what will you do?
(Error)
He’s always angry so im not gonna ever grace this one with a response.
-Five/Nine or Five/Ten?
(Sans/Stretch or Sans/Red)
the second, definitely the second one, im glad at least something in this fucking nightmare is normal, jesus shit
-You and 9 get trapped in an elevator together. What happens? And who are the other random people with you two?
(Stretch)
I swear to god if i hear one more pun about elevators i will not hesitate to kill myself
-Would 2 and 6 make a good couple?
(Fell, Error)
,,,,.,.,.,.,..,,.,.no.
-8 confessed to be a part of your family.
(Papyrus)
welcome home, son
-4 and 5 are having an argument. Why is this?
(Pink, Sans)
“Stop teaching my bro how to make sexy spaghetti!”
“Well, it’s that or how to be successful in the royal harem. Which would you prefer?”
“I’m tired of finding condoms in my pasta, do whatever the hell you want.”
-Is there any such thing as One/Eight fluff?
(Razz, Papyrus)
i think i read a fic about it before once, but it was less fluff and more Paps calling Razz out for his shit or something of the like
-2 writes you a love song, plays it for you, and then kisses you on the cheek.
(Fell)
you’re drunk, go home buddy
-What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve kissing?
(Blue, Fell, Ink)
I mean i like to think that when Blue walks in on anyone kissing he immediately begins to critique their form and then rates their passion on a scale of one to ten, so take that as you will
-Do you think Four is hot?
(Pink)
yes
-7 cooked you dinner.
(Blue)
oh thank god, a night where i dont have to eat cold ravioli from a can or undercooked ramen god bless
-Suggest a title for Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic?
(Blue/Ink)
The Colors We Show
-9 and 1 accidentally get hooked up on a dating website and are forced to go on a date together.
(Stretch, Razz)
They both take one look at each other and then immediately run away, Razz going “to the bathroom” and Stretch jumping out of the nearest window. Blue and Slim are sitting in the bushes outside the restaurant and wondering just how their plan went this wrong.
-8 gets angry and starts cussing at 6 very loudly. 7 is watching it all and is interested…but why is this?
(Papyrus, Error, Blue)
Papyrus is cussing. End of story.
-Do you recall any fics about 9?
(Stretch)
*looks at the huge fucking pile about Stretch being a creepy fucker* yea, im aware of a few of them
-You are about to do something that will make you feel very embarrassed. Will 9 comfort you?
(Stretch)
this bitch would encourage me to do it, honestly
-Does anyone on your friends list read 3?
(Lust)
i mean, we all have our guilty pleasures. Read: of fucking course.
-Would anyone one of your friends list write about Two/Four/Five?
(Fell, Pink, Sans)
i have never seen this and thinking about it gives me a headache. Maybe Galli would? They’re all about rarepairs (and they’re also really great too so go check them out)
-You’re lying on the beach peacefully, and then you turn your head to see 1, 2, and 9, by the water wearing speedos.
(Razz, Fell, Stretch)
*discreetly pulls out my phone and takes a picture*
-It’s storming outside and 4 allowed you to stay with her at her place until it blows over. And your reaction to this kind gesture is?
(Lust)
Put your dick back in your pants I’m walking home in this fucking tornado, bitch.
-Have you read a 6 / 11 fanfic before?
(Error, Slim)
No, and i never want to
-5 wakes you up in the middle of the night.
(Sans)
go the fuck to sleep you bitch, i hate you and your fucking off-kilter sleeping habits
-1 asks to talk to you privately. When you are both alone, he admits to you that he is gay.
(Razz)
no.,..,.,? really.,..,, wow i,..,.,,., never would have,.,.,.,., guessed
-5 gave you a teddy bear.
(Sans)
it has a sound box in it so that every time you squeeze it, the bear makes a fart noise. Thanks, sans
-You and 10 go out for a picnic. Everything is peaceful until 2 crashes it by showing up and inviting you to go hang out at a cafe. Would you go with 2 or stay with 10?
(Red, Fell)
,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,..,,,..,......i mean,,..,.,.,..,.,..,.,.,.dont make me answer this, im passing
-1 walked in on you while you were showering. What is your reaction?
(Razz)
i mean i’d be cool bc this shit happens all the time with my housemates, but im honestly not sure how well Razz would react
-What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant?
(Ink, Papyrus)
*megalovania playing in the distance* *paperjam quietly cursing bc “for fucks sake, not again, hope you dont abandon this kid too”*
-You catch 10 looking at questionable material on the internet.
(Red)
*google search bar is open with the history being just the word “tiddy” 278 times*
-Make up a summary of a 3/10 fanfic.
(Lust/Red)
“Red had picked him up off the street, one time, just looking for a night of fun. His Boss didn’t approve of his escapades, of course, but when you’re the center of a crime ring, not much you do is ever approved of. He’d become accustomed to seeing the scantily-clad skeleton walking the streets, a sultry gaze and ecto-body formed, letting himself be pulled and used in any way for a wad of cash. Maybe that was why he was so surprised to be walking past a flowershop one day and seeing the guy standing in the window, smelling a large bouquet. Cleaned up, not covered in various fluids of previous customers and dirt from when he was rejected and thrown against the ground, he looked really, really cute.
Fuck. Boss was gonna kill him.”
And now i want to write/read it. Great. I’m already swamped with shit so if anyone wants to pick this up then feel welcome
-All the listed characters get into a very epic and all-out battle. Who will be the last one standing?
*papyrus standing over eleven other unconscious bodies* “NYEH!”
-7 is having relationship problems, 4 tries to help him out but her advice isn’t helpful. Your thoughts about this predicament?
(Blue, Pink)
“I don’t think that I’m the best at making Sexy Spaghetti.”
“Then try making, erm, Tantalizing Tacos!”
“I don’t think that’s the best idea either.”
-Do any of your friends write or draw Eleven?
(Slim)
I mean.,,., not really.,.,.,., my poor meme-ing son doesn’t get enough love, imo. There’s a few fics abt him, but not a lot where he’s extremely prominent.
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