#but he does have a habit of overprojecting? in a way?

[cream-and-tea]

maybe it’s because of all the Fun New Backstory Things i’ve just come up with for him but i have fiver on the brain and am specifically thinking so much about how he’s a good and kind person who has had to fight incredibly hard to be a good and kind person.

like. without going to much into all his shit it would’ve been ridiculously easy for fiver to fall off the deep ends at many, many points in his life. and in a way he kind of did. he grew up in an environment that actively fostered all his worst traits and only made his pre-existing issues worse with zero checks and balances in place and no support network for him to fall back on when he imploded. and even once he eventually got out he was incredibly angry and bitter and confused about what tf he was supposed to do, and at first he rejected every opportunity of help that was offered to him until circumstances actively forced him to. he is, fundamentally, distrusting of people (for very good reason) and that was one of the first things he had to confront to get him to where he is now.

and he’s self-centred! and he’s petty! and he’s horribly horribly selfish! and above all of that he LIES! oh my GOD does he LIE! this man is 90% falsehood by volume. but he’s also very very self aware. he knows these are flaws and that they are core to who he is but also that if he falls back into letting them be what he bases his worldview on he’ll be up shits creek by himself with nowhere to go. his first family taught him to be cruel, his second showed him what kindness could look like, and tbh part of him is kind of terrified of really being authentic bc he’s so scared that deep down his true self really is that volatile teenager willing to fuck basically anyone over as long as it meant 0 consequences for him. and part of why it scares him is because it would be so easy. he only started on the path to the person he is today because he was mentally dragged into it kicking and screaming and it’s been incredibly difficult every step of the way.

but back then he didn’t have to care about people, and now he does and he cares so fucking much that it’s almost painful. so he can’t give up no matter how simple it would be, because it would hurt the people he loves and more than that he knows it would hurt him. bc he’s healthier than he’s ever been even though it’s a struggle every day. he’s learned to be gentle to other people but more than anything he’s learned to be gentle with himself and there’s something fragile in that. like he could make one mistake and be back to being seventeen and not being able to leave his car that he’s been camped out in for 3 weeks without water. his first impulse is still to snap at people when they reach out to him, to just assume he’s right, to look away from what makes him hurt and pretend it isn’t there. but he doesn’t. he doesn’t because he knows that him and the people he loves deserve better. the jokes and the cherry red heart-shaped sunglasses and the tarot cards and the embroidered trenchcoat aren’t just things he likes. they’re battle armour.

kindness and gentleness don’t come naturally to him, they’re something he’s had to learn as he’s learned how to heal, and honestly i love it so much.

#also the inverse that creates with agnes being a truly kind kid forced to be cruel #and pallas being a kid who never really got the chance to be kind in the first place #and how fiver is one of the only people who has literally never given up on the idea that pallas could *be* a better person #bc he knows!!! he knows firsthand what clawing your up from that kind of pit is like!!!!!! #he sees SO much of himself in both these kids and he wants to be there for them how he wishes someone had been there for him #but he does have a habit of overprojecting? in a way? #that’s something that i want explore more later on in the trilogy especially in regards to agnes and he relationship to her family #idk he needs to learn to sort of take a step back? but it’s really hard for him to accept that #anyways fiver is selfish and manipulative and a massive massive capital L Liar and he is also the best person in the main cast #bc he’s TRYING and he’s worked so hard to get to where he is right now #and that means a lot idk #he is full of LOVE ok he CARES ABOUT PEOPLE #wip: ghost story #fiver