#but basically one of the common breakthroughs in ptsd therapy is when you start to laugh at the thing

[its-your-mind]

can I. JUST SAY.

There is so much power in the ability to laugh at the things that terrify you, the things that caused you your deepest wounds and traumas and insecurities

And not in a “haha that was actually always just a foolish trivial thing” and not in a “my fear was never necessary, how silly of me,” but in a “my only perspective on this for years was from below as I cowered before it, trying desperately to protect myself, and now I am slowly learning that it is possible to see this thing from a different angle.”

Caleb imagined the moment he would see Trent again millions of times, in millions of permutations. But the thing about trauma is that it’s almost impossible to imagine confronting its source as anyone but the person you were when you were hurt. And Caleb had been a child, alone, and Trent was the only authority figure with any sway over his life.

It is possible to imagine a student striking back against a cruel and abusive teacher. It is possible to imagine a powerful mage tracking down and punishing a lone fugitive ex-apprentice.

But Caleb isn’t alone anymore, and he’s not subject to Trent’s authority in nearly the same way.

In the moment when Caleb and Trent saw each other again, Caleb was a member of a group of powerful, capable adventurers who had recently thwarted the actions of a dangerous cult of a Betrayer God. He was accompanied by an Expositor of the Cobalt Soul. He was vouched for by an Archmage member of the Council of Tal’dore. He had been part of a successful infiltration into the enemy Dynasty, and had come out with the favor of their Queen.

Caleb might not be as powerful as Trent, either politically or magically, but he’s also not a naive young student from a farming village anymore. He has allies. He has a family. He has power. He is not someone who can be easily made to disappear.

And while Caleb may not have internalized that quite yet, Trent clearly has, and more importantly, the rest of the Nein have.

They all stepped in around Caleb as a show of support and protection and strength as soon as they saw Trent coming close. “This one isn’t yours to control anymore,” they’re saying. “If you want him, you’re going to have to go through us.”

And they’re still listening, still validating Caleb’s fear and assuring him that they’re with him and that they’re going to keep him safe, but they understand how hard this must be for him, and he can just say the word and they’ll all leave Rexxentrum behind.

But they’re also adding chocolate and pastries to the list of demands they have for the Cerberus Assembly for future meetings. They’re mentioning the Happy Fun Ball, by name, to Ludinus Da’leth. Jester is offering to hold official parlay meetings in a volcano. Caduceus is telling Trent he doesn’t know what the word “caustic” means.

And all of a sudden… Caleb is able to step out of the protective and submissive position he’s held towards Trent and the Cerberus Assembly for his whole life. Not entirely, and not permanently, but… his new family just being there, being who they are even when surrounded by these powerful and terrifying people from his past…

All of a sudden, some of the shadows fade away, and yes, Trent is awful and horrible and has had too much control over Caleb’s life, and yes the Cerberus Assembly is powerful and far-reaching and has agents all over the world, but Jester can still baffle Ludinus, and Caduceus can still read Trent like a book, Beau can still be blunt and direct, Yasha can still make herself a threat, Nott can still be sly and inconspicuous, and Fjord can still sweet-talk through interactions with dangerous people.

All of a sudden, Caleb is not alone.

Things aren’t better. He’s still broken and hurting and scared. But now, as he watches his friends square up next to him against his past with the same irreverence they give to everything else, he’s able to take small steps. Call Trent out on his cowardice. Offer a greeting to Eadwulf. Ask Ludinus direct questions about the intentions of the Cerberus Assembly.

He’s not safe, none of them are safe, but they are together, and that makes them powerful. That makes them dangerous. That makes them a threat. And all of a sudden, the looming presence of Trent Ikithon starts to recede back into Caleb’s past. Not gone, not forgotten, not excised… But past. Not here. Not now. Not surrounded by these people who will stand around him and behind him and beside him as he faces down the people that haunt his past.

#critical role #the mighty nein #c2e88 #caleb widogast #trent ikithon #ludinus da'leth #the cerberus assembly #cr2 spoilers #c2 spoilers #ANYway I was think bout trauma AS YOU DO and also Caleb bc I am a broken human being whose brain is not a brain but only blorbo in microwave #idk if I explained it good?? #but basically one of the common breakthroughs in ptsd therapy is when you start to laugh at the thing #like just any part of it #bc it’s a sign that emotions that are not fear are allowed into the memory #woop