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avasilvugh · 7 years

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what was pregnancy/childbirth/going home for the first time like with finn vs. maia? how about what it was like to take stella home for the first time? how did each kid adjust to their new sibling(s) when maia/stella came home? i'm such a sucker for Brand New Baby headcancons lol

me, rubbing my hands together evilly bc my friend u dont understand, i have been waiting for a sucker just like u bc I AM SUCH A SUCKER FOR BRAND NEW BABY HCS AS WELL, HERE ARE MINE FOR THE SUPERBABIES

so like the pregnancies were highly planned, no surprises or anything and results were waited on with equal excitement bc like???? holy shit theyre doing this???? and HOLY SHIT IT WORKED?????

but like……once the initial excitement died down a little, lena starts to worry a lot?? and i mean this is particular to finn, bc like with maia it was more?? ok i kind of know what im doing, but with finn she had no experience, nothing to go off of. like she can hardly remember her birth mother and lillian was terrible so like….its not as if she has any model for how to be a mother and she’s not sure she’s really thought this through. like she likes kids well enough?? thinks theyre cute and isnt uncomfortable around them, actually is quite good with them and babies love her almost as much as they love kara, but this will be different, this isnt just holding jess’s niece when they’re at the company picnic, this will be a baby that comes home with them, this will be their baby, their kid to screw up and that’s terrifying??? holy shit

meanwhile kara is like?? so excited oh my god. she’s so pumped and so loving and she feels like she’s overwhelmed in the best way, where her heart feels really full and she knows that when the baby gets here it’ll just spill over in the best way and she cant wait for it. and she fusses over lena, moves her schedule around specifically to allow her to drop by l-corp a couple times a day to bring lena lunch or a snack, and she’s like the ultimate partner u know like she keeps the fridge stocked with whatever lena’s craving, always goes to every doctor appointment and childbirth classes, never grumbles when lena wakes her up bc her back is aching or she’s starving all of a sudden or she can’t sleep and the baby is in a weird position. she puts together all the furniture for the nursery, is That expectant parent that spends a lot of time in the baby section of target, brings home probably more clothes than a single baby can wear. she’s so excited??? like……how to explain this hmmm… okay so we know how much kara loves her family, right?? bc she loves them a lot, she rlly does and its not at all that she wishes for biological family or something but theres like a certain…..pull?? i guess?? like this baby is equal parts her and lena, and she has this image in her head, like what if their baby looks like her or more like lena, what if their kid has her mother’s eyes or her father’s strong chin. like? she gets to see krypton live on, is what it boils down to. she gets to see her family and her community and her planet alive and well in the little heartbeat they hear, in the grainy image on the screen at the ultrasound

the pregnancy itself is actually rlly smooth?? and like, when lena’s not terrified, she rlly enjoys it and like knows how lucky she is, like her morning sickness is p tame and only lasts the first couple months. and like?? its not that she dislikes being pregnant or doesnt want the baby, she very much does, she already loves this little thing growing inside her so so much, just on the basis of it being a piece of kara, she’s just worried she’s not good enough, that she wont ever be able to be good enough to be this child’s mother. but she just tries not to think about whats going to happen at the end of this, focuses on the way her heart skips when she feels those first flutters of movement or the way the tension slips out of kara’s shoulders the moment she gets home, the moment she can hear their child’s heartbeat. they were never rlly an out on the town sort of couple, spent most nights tucked up at home, but now even more so bc lena gets tired at like eight at night, so most nights they’re on the couch or lying in bed, kara resting her head on lena’s lil bump, talking to the baby in her mother tongue, telling them all about this great world they’re going to get to see. when lena’s lil bump turns into a big bump, then its usually them cuddled up on the couch with lena leaning back against kara’s chest, head on her shoulder as she dozes and kara’s tracing out the kryptonian alphabet on lena’s belly and its warm and the cats are snoozing nearby and there’s a stack of baby clothes in the laundry basket on the floor and a half assembled rocking chair in the nursery and its just?? good????

overall its rlly good like there’s some bad moments, some breakdowns along the way. like it kind of scares lena a little how much she loves this little thing that?? doesnt?? even??? exist yet???? like she cant hold them, cant see them, but god, she already knows she’d do anything for them. and kara has a few moments where she breaks down as well, where she cant remember a kryptonian word or the details of something she thought she remembered are a little fuzzy and god, what if she cant?? what if she isnt able to pass along her history, her culture? what if she has this opportunity and she fails, again?

and they’re both so soft with each other, kara picks up on lena’s worry and lena picks up on kara’s and they try their best for each other, they do their best to help even when they’re struggling with their own things and lena tries to learn kryptonian and like….listen, she’s not great at it at first (particularly with pregnancy brain making everything a little fuzzy), but her accent isn’t terrible and she learns the basic vocabulary, enough so that she can confidently say she’ll be of some use in teaching their child to speak the language along with english. kara buys all the parenting books lena glances at, sits up at night with her to read them, finds a mothers day card even though it fucking january and tucks it into lena’s bag for her to find and tear up over, talks about how lucky their kiddo is that they’ll have lena as a mom as if its the most natural thing to say

towards the later part of lena’s pregnancy, when they’re getting closer to the due date and lena’s getting uncomfortably pregnant and nothing’s fitting very well, not even the maternity dresses that kara finally convinced her to buy around month seven, kara kind of becomes a worrywart. like she’s been v protective of lena the entire time but now?? anytime lena shifts or sighs or rubs her back, kara’s like WHAT IS IT, IS IT TIME, DO WE NEED TO GO and has like most of their stuff loaded up into the car, ready to go before lena’s has a chance to be like ……kara im ridiculously pregnant, im just uncomfortable, love its fine i promise

that said,, then she’s overdue and even more uncomfortable but the fear has set back in?? and she goes into labor p early in the morning, doesnt say anything abt it bc she doesnt want it to happen, not now, but kara seems to sense it, sticks a lot closer to lena than normal, even for overprotective post-due date. and then lena’s water breaks??? and she’s crying???? and kara’s like holy shit okay but they dont have time to rlly do anything to talk through it, barely have time to get to the hospital before lenas like……in Active Labor, like ready to push active labor and there’s no time to get an epidural, but luckily she doesnt rlly need one?? she’s in pain, but its not as bad as some things she’s endured, but she’s still crying, begging for this baby to stay put, dont move, i’m not ready and kara’s crying bc she’s split between being heartbroken for her wife and being so so excited to her their child

and then finn’s there, crying loud enough to be heard over lena’s sobbing, kara’s assurances and kara looks at him and is so in love??? she’s so in love, he’s so beautiful, she tells lena as much as she gets to cut the cord and some little part of her knits back together when she helps lay finn on lena’s chest, watches as lena’s eyes clear, brows relax, watches as that same love kara feels dawns in lena’s eyes and its so much??? its too much, but its so good????

and everything is still so good for a while!!!!! like the few days in the hospital, they’re just kind of in a blissed out stage where nothing is fazing them like......family comes to visit, theres four emails from snapper sitting in kara’s inbox, clark comes by and is visibly uncomfortable but they literally dont give two shits like look at this thing we made!!!!!!! look at him, he’s beautiful and he’s got all ten fingers and all ten toes and look, he looks bald but he’s just rlly blond!!!!!!! like.........they are just so in love???

but then they go home and its different bc there isnt anyone to help them and for kara its like....idk its sort of like she’s super duper aware of her powers when she’s out in the world, like hyperaware and vigilant, but she’s used to being able to relax a little at home?? and now there’s this tiny fragile nonpowered as far as they know baby that is depending solely on her and lena for everything and suddenly she’s like shit i’m going to hurt him oh my god i Did Not think this through and then she like refuses to hold finn except under very specific conditions like sitting down, pillow in her lap to support him from below and lena’s a bit too wrapped up in finn to rlly like register this fact, a little too tired and sore and in love to do much more than notice her wife’s hesitance

and its not as if kara’s like......//avoiding anything to do with finn. like she’s still v much in love and wants to be around him, she just doesnt trust herself?? so she’ll still get up when finn’s crying at night, sits up with lena when she nurses him, gets lena whatever she needs during the day and overall does her absolute best

lena brings it up to alex finally, one night when she and maggie come over to coo over finn and kara’s run out to pick up dinner. lena and alex have grown a lot closer since lena started hanging out with the superfriends, alex sort of spotting that quiet sadness within a few minutes of having an actual conversation with lena and subconsciously sorting her into the same category of annoying psuedo-sibling that she had winn. and by this point?? alex is basically as much a big sister to lena as she is to kara, defends her as vehemently as she does kara. so lena goes to her with this, asks if kara’s said anything about not feeling comfortable or being afraid and alex is like ?? no, whats going on and then lena tells her everything she’s noticed, tells her the guilt she feels for not knowing how to help but she’s exhausted, like that new parent bone deep exhausted

so alex corners kara just a little, calls her down to the deo for a fake emergency and then locks them into one of the training rooms bc she knows kara, knows she wont admit to anything when lena’s around, knows that she’ll keep trying to uphold this facade that she’s doing okay bc she doesnt want to stress her wife out. and karas been sitting with this feeling for nearly two weeks?? basically since they went home, so there’s not much prodding alex has to do to get it out of her bc she’s exhausted too, is crying within a few minutes of talking tbh

alex hugs her for a long time, until she stops crying eventually and is like?? i dont have easy answers for you and i wish i did, but kara, you’re not going to hurt him and she keeps repeating it, keeps telling kara that she knows her probably better than anyone and she knows that she’s never going to do anything to hurt the people she cares about and kara’s thinking about red k and alex knows it so she just tightens her hold on kara’s shoulders and leans down a little to catch her eye and she’s like kara, this is your son and its like oh. my son. i have a son. and suddenly kara’s crying again but more from good emotion?? like i have a child and i haven’t been holding him 24/7???? I GOTTA GO ALEX

so kara goes home and lena’s just getting up to get finn bc he’s starting to fuss a little and kara just gently pushes her back into bed and goes to get finn, picks him up and feels something settle when he quiets, looks up at her with big blue eyes that aren’t her color, not exactly, is something closer to her mother’s. finn settles against her, one of his little hands sort of grasping at the fabric of her shirt, holding on and kara’s so??? overwhelmed??? and she promises him that she’ll be the best she can be for him, promises that she’ll never let harm come to him, that she’s going to keep him so safe and at some point she switches from english to kryptonian (kryptonese??), starts promising all sorts of things, starts promising that he’ll never be alone, that he’ll never be scared and lost and left on his own in a strange place, that she’ll never send him away, not without lena, not without her

lena hears it over the baby monitor but doesnt say anything when kara comes back into the room, having lulled finn back to sleep with a lullaby her mother used to sing to her. she just pulls kara closer and they doze like that for a while and everything feels calm, settled for once

and then !!!!! they’re just deliriously happy like finn is a rlly easy baby, doesnt fuss a lot, basically sleeps through the night from the beginning and is essentially the Perfect Newborn. like they’re just?? so? ?? happy ????? like lena has what is essentially unlimited maternity leave considering she can conduct a fair amount of work from home and catco gives rlly generous leave for all new parents so kara’s able to stay home for a long time, so they get to just sort of live in this wonderful little bubble for basically the first 4-5 months of his life and even after they sort of start transitioning back to work, its still rlly great??

like they do the mommy and me yoga and switch off weekends, kara takes him to swim lessons, they do walks in the park when it starts getting warmer out and like.......love showing finn off. like he’s adorable and chubby and is rlly calm and smiley and like?? they’re so proud of him, they love him so much oh my god

UNDER THE CUT bc i always keep crying, im such a sucker for new babies

everything is a little harder with maia?? like it takes a little longer for it to work and when it does its immediately a completely different experience. later on theyll think its probably bc maia manifests her powers a lot earlier, so maybe that’s what it was?? like she’s drawing more nutrients and stuff so that’s why lena’s so exhausted through the pregnancy but basically lena’s essentially bedridden for the first four and a half months with maia, either napping or feeling too nauseous to do anything. once she hits five months, things get a little easier?? she’s still v tired a lot, but they think that that might just be bc they’ve got more to juggle, like she’s keeping up with a toddler and l-corp is acquiring a new subsidiary halfway across the world that she’s having to oversee from national city

kara worries abt her a lot in a different way from how she worried during finn’s pregnancy?? like this pregnancy takes a bit more of a physical toll and there’s a few complications, like lena develops gestational hypertension (her blood pressure, while achingly normal usually, stays high from the beginning) and her ankles just fuckn disappear and she just feels Bad through most of the pregnancy even though there isnt that emotional angst like there was with finn. so bc of that, kara sticks p close through the whole pregnancy, is a lot less willing to take assignments that keep her away from home v long, gets v efficient when it comes to supergirl duties

but like?? stress aside, its a rlly cool experience for them bc finn’s around two and understands enough that he points to lena’s belly and says baby, likes to hug and kiss her tummy and its the Cutest thing in the world, like they have so many pics of finn being so sweet and like reading one of his picture books to lena’s belly. and like?? lena gets to enjoys the pregnancy more bc she’s not as scared, not as petrified that she’s going to fuck up somehow, now that she kind of knows what she’s doing, now that she has a shining, grinning little boy that is like proof that she’s sort of good at this motherhood thing

so u know how lena’s blood pressure is high through the whole pregnancy?? well. that’s not a throwaway fact pals. she develops preeclampsia and gets induced nearly three weeks before her due date and like in the lead up to that, it’s rlly chaotic and scary like lena gets a migraine (and she usually gets those?? like that’s not uncommon but she didnt have any during her pregnancy with finn and she hasnt had any leading up to this one with maia) and goes to sleep it off and wakes up short of breath and like?? it just feels wrong, something feels off and calls kara at work and is like something’s not right and kara just flat out panics, drops all her shit and races home and lena’s kind of out of it and its terrifying?? its fucking terrifying and kara’s like fuck this, flies finn to the nearest superfriend for babysitting (it happens to be winn, who startles out of dozing at his computer screen to see little finn danvers grinning from the chair next to him, with a fully packed bag and a note pinned to it telling winn that kara will call soon) and she flies lena to the hospital, giving zero actual fucks about anything other than whether lena and the baby are okay

and it gets kind of crazy after that??? like kara barely has time to call the rest of their family and friends before things are like Moving and, again, there’s not enough time for an epidural but this time lena’s in a lot more pain, like this birth is awful, it rlly is, like lena’s out of it and in way more pain than she was with finn and kara’s scared shitless and their baby comes out quiet?? like no crying, no screaming, just utter silence and lena sort of collapses back on the bed and starts crying and kara’s not even able to get a good look at their kiddo with all the nurses working over em

and then the baby’s like screeching and one of the nurses hands her to kara with a smile and says here’s your little girl, mama and kara’s just like.......entranced and this little baby is so much like finn but so different already and she looks over at lena and beams and lena relaxes immediately, lets out this deep breath and kara’s like we have a daughter, lena and lena sort of sighs happily well let me see her and kara puts maia on lena’s chest, helps lena unbutton the top of her gown and unswaddle maia so she can rest against lena’s skin, feel her heartbeat and they’re so immediately happy??? like all the scary stuff, all the pain is immediately written over with this feeling, with maia’s little hand pressing right over lena’s heart and her eyes locked on kara

and then when things calm down and they’ve had a little time to collect themselves, for lena to get cleaned up a little, finn comes in and is so immediately taken with his little sister, like his eyes get wide and he’s got this small little smile and he’s so gentle without being told, sort of reverently reaches out to hold maia’s tiny little hand in his own and he goes my baby in this soft little voice and he crawls up in kara’s lap and asks if he can hold his baby and kara helps him and lena asks a nurse to grab her phone bc like.......why not get this moment on film. why not capture her family all tucked into one chair like the most adorable nesting dolls

it’s maybe her lock screen for like six months

when they go home, it’s a little bit of an adjustment period?? not in the same way as it was with finn but in that now they’ve got two little kids with wildly different needs, like finn sleeps through the night mostly but has nightmares that he’ll need to be comforted from and maia wakes up a lot but more just?? wants to be near her moms??? like she doesnt cry so much as just stay awake until one of them check her and pull the bassinet closer to their bed

and for lena there’s a bit of worry over having a daughter?? bc its not that its all that much different than having a son rlly, she knows that and she’s the first to advocate raising children the same, but as a daughter of lillian luthor, as a daughter who lost her birth mother when she was young, but not young enough to completely forget her, as a daughter that has never had a solid maternal figure that supported her in her life, lena’s a little terrified of having a daughter?? worried that somehow, someway, she’ll ruin her

but it fades quickly?? like she and kara have always been v attuned to one another but since having finn, it’s just deepened?? so kara catches on quickly, talks to her about it one night when the kiddos are asleep and reminds lena that she’s a good mom, that finn adores her and so does maia already, its obvious

mostly the adjustment is about just juggling the two kiddos, making sure finn doesnt feel left out and they work out a p good system, make sure to include him in basically everything

and finn!!!! loves his baby sister so so much oh my god, he likes to drag his coloring pack into maia’s room when she’s napping. like his moms will go looking for him and he’ll just be curled up in the comfy rocker in maia’s room, quietly coloring and he’ll shush them if he thinks they’re making too much noise and its the cutest thing ever, like he doesnt have the words for it but he just loves maia so much, wants to protect her and make sure she’s happy all the time

so its kind of wildly different with stella, bc like??? they thought they were done having kids?? mostly bc the experience with maia’s birth was so terrifying, like when they finally had a minute to process what all had happened it was like.......shit, lena could have died, maia could have died and it made them p hesitant to try for another kid, like?? they’re happy with two!! and if they decide they want to expand their family, they’re v strongly pro-adoption so that’s probably the route they’ll go and that’s all nice and settled but then, well

kara gets a supergirl call at like six in the morning and she rolls out of bed, handles the issue and is on her way home when she glances down and sees something a lil shady down on the pier. it’s probably eight or nine by now?? the sun’s up, but its winter so its still gray in the city, still feels pre-dawn and kara flies a little closer, sees a man on a pier and hears two heartbeats, his and one that’s weaker, faster, quieter, so she alerts alex and touches down and the man seems almost relieved to see her even as he moves closer to the edge and she tells him to stay, for his baby--because it has to be a baby, kara’s gotten too good at recognizing little heartbeats for it not to be, but the man just smiles sadly, says she’s not like me, i can’t love her right and just as the deo pulls up, the man jumps off into the bay and kara flies after him but he’s just......gone?? just gone. nowhere to be found. his heartbeat is indistinguishable from the roar of the ocean, kara can’t see him anywhere but kara can still hear that smaller one, and she hesitates for a moment before flying back up, touching down by the car and opening the door before the agent nearest her can tell her not to. and theres??? this tiny little baby???? like barely strapped into the carseat, in just a diaper and kara’s like????? immediately protective. like the diaper’s obviously been put on by someone that’s never changed a baby before and she fixes that first, unclips her cape to wrap the baby up second, holds the baby close and turns around with this wide eyed look at alex third and alex’s like......well this is happening huh

and she’s????? so small???? god she’s so small and kara’s heart twists and twists and alex calls out an address to her and it’s not far from the port and kara’s flies low, flies fast but she doesnt even get to the little apartment before she can tell, before she can hear the utter lack of life. she lands just outside, looks up, looks through, sees the body in the bed, not moving not breathing and she looks down at this little baby in her arms, still sleeping and she just?? has a minor blackout tbh (metaphorically ofc) like she’s not sure what her exact thought process was but suddenly she’s at l-corp and the baby is still sleeping and she touches down, opens the balcony door gently and steps in and lena’s looking up, eyebrows raised until she notices the bundle in kara’s arms and like??? she doesnt Know, but she knows whats happening, knows its big and important and so she drops the papers she was working on, pads over and looks up at kara for a breath, then down at the baby and its like oh. shit. this is our baby now, isnt it

and kara starts explaining, starts speaking, rambling, falling over her words bc the gravity of what’s happened has just sort of landed?? it’s taken a beat but god she just watched a man kill himself, just watched this child be orphaned and its like?? she needs lena to understand. she needs her to know why this is so important, but like?? lena’s already there, same page. she’s looking at this little tiny child and deciding that she’ll probably be able to actually get some use out of maia’s newborn stuff, considering maia outgrew the clothes within a month. like??? she looks nothing like finn or maia did as babies, is so much smaller and has this head full of dark hair, these dark eyes when she blinks them open to look up at lena, at kara, but she fits, you know?? its like kara and lena look at her and just like.....recognize her. like she’s always been meant for them

and then kara’s just.......out of things to say, like she’s said everything she can and she’s just sort of looking down at the baby and so is lena and then lena’s asking can i hold ....her? and kara’s nodding, her, she confirms, letting lena slip the baby out of her arms and she’s just like lena, she’s and breaks off, throat closing and lena’s just nodding, smiling down at the baby and smoothing down the little cowlick in her hair. i think maia’s old bassinet is still in the basement, she says and that’s that

the kids dont even question it?? like finn was young enough when maia was born that he doesnt even remember her coming home, she’s just sort of always been around as far as he remembers and maia doesnt have any sort of context for it, and rlly it doesnt matter?? like they crowd around lena when kara calls them over and finn promises then and there he’s going to be the best big brother and maia’s just staring all wide eyed at this little baby, decided that she’s going to keep her so safe bc she’s her little sister and the only other big sister she knows very well is aunt alex and aunt alex helps keep mama safe every day so. logic, ya know

there is a bit more jealousy tho?? more from maia than from finn, bc she goes from being the baby to the middle child and like kara and lena are rlly good abt splitting their time equally, but there’s like?? more to do with stella, like they dont know anything rlly abt her background and they dont know why she’s not putting on weight and they dont know whether she’s just colicky or if there’s something they need to be worried about?? and its scarier too bc its all so normal ??? like they did all the tests for finn and maia, knew they had kara’s immune system, knew they didnt have to worry abt shit like whooping cough but like they do have to worry abt that with stella, its sort of like having a first baby all over again?? like there’s a lot of new experiences they’ve never had to think about before so there’s a little bit of jealousy from maia, but literally just a little, just like a couple temper tantrums bc kara says they cant play uno unless maia uses her inside voice, or bc lena can’t come see the picture she drew right that second bc she’s trying to get stella down for a nap

but they handle it rlly well?? like they each take a day with maia and finn, separately so they dont feel like they’re just getting lumped together, go and do whatever they feel like doing and do that ridiculously Good Mom thing where they each explain that, yeah, they’re having to spend a little more time with the new baby but they love them all the same, all equally and that they can pick something to do with their moms each month

that tradition actually sticks around! like each kiddo picks a Thing to do with their moms, like finn favors the aquarium and maia likes to go to movies and stella usually just asks to go out to breakfast at noonans tbh (listen she is.........so much like kara sometimes)

so while finn and maia adjust p well, its not all smooth sailing. like?? finn and maia were such easy babies!! like SUCH easy babies, they rlly lucked the fuck out with them but stella??? oh god stella is such a difficult baby. not like?? not like super-difficult?? but she cries a lot and the only time she rlly calms down is when kara or lena holds her and sometimes it not even full screaming crying, just quiet little whimpering that just like........breaks her moms’ hearts. she also gets sick a lot?? lots of colds and stomach bugs and she doesnt put on a lot of weight for the first several months, like consistently on the low end of healthy. like?? its all new territory for them, bc they never?? rlly?? worried abt finn and maia like this?? they never rlly had to

listen they heave a collective sigh of relief when their doctor tells them that she’s moved into the fortieth percentile for her age range like what???? she’s doing okay???????

anyway. i’m crying

#supergirl #supercorp #kara danvers #lena luthor #superbabies #catch me reblogging these in the morning #i've been working on this for like four days omfg #anonymous #human interaction

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stuntchica · 7 years

Text

i just keep getting so angry about hospital so im going to try and write down everything bad i can remember them doing to try and get it all out

when they first came to my house dr d completely waved off what i said abt not remembering childhood & being disturbed by that. he asked me to name a childhood toy & after i could he said ‘see, you can remember’ even though id literally seen that toy that morning & was remembering from,, you know,, my whole life not just my childhood

despite the fact that i was not a danger to myself or anyone else, dr d decided after seeing me for 20 minutes that i had to go into hospital. he said i could either come informally myself or he would have me sectioned

i was not told how long i would be there for. we were told to bring an overnight bag so i expected it to just be overnight. when i got there i was told that i’d be there for at least 2 weeks

when they first gave me the menu to order off i wasnt told that there was a Rule that i had to finish everything so i ordered the thing i thought id like the most even tho i knew there was stuff i wouldnt like with it

when the food arrived (pizza, peas & chips) i ate everything except the cheese on the pizza bc it was cheddar & thats a Bad Food(tm) & i was really proud of myself bc it was more than i’d had in one sitting for weeks. the exact words the nurse with me said were ‘this counts as a failure’

when the snack time came around no one told me the full list of options (weeks later i found out that chocolate was available) so i picked a yogurt. after opening it i realised it had bits in it but i was too scared to ask for a different one bc i didnt like any of the other flavours. i ate as much as i could but i rlly couldnt stand the bits. the nurse with me told me it was another failure but another nurse in the room, thankfully, replaced her & understood what had happened

i dont remember what happened on the rest of the first day bc my abandonment fear kicked in and i got really panicked when my parents had to leave

i dont remember the rest in chronological order, but lets see

the room i was put into had a leaky toilet. it would leak all night long and due to how the bathroom was the leak echoed. it sounded like a waterfall. every time they came to fix it it would break again later that day. my shower was also broken and wouldnt turn on

i had to have a blood test on a friday but they didnt send the bloods off straight away so i had to have another one the next monday. keep in mind that i have an intense fear of needles

dr d compared me going on the internet to drug addicts waiting in line for heroine, even after i explained that it was the only way i had to avoid isolating myself & tried to explain what i actually do there

i couldnt eat a meal and was told ‘if you dont start eating we’ll have to make you’ despite the fact that i was eating when i could & if i couldnt finish a meal i was eating chocolate that was in my room. also despite the fact i was an informal patient so that was literally not possible

dr d spent hours trying to convince & guilt me into agreeing to take medication, despite the fact that was the one thing i’d always said no to (fun fact! i literally cant swallow medication. no one took me seriously when i said that either). eventually tho the psychologist spoke to him abt it & he stopped

the first 2 weeks i was there i saw no therapists. at all. because it was the easter holidays and they were away. there was nothing to do all day except watch tv, colour, & play cards. despite the fact that we were all so bored we were not taken out of the hospital or allowed access to our phones

in fact, for the entire 2 months i was there i was only taken out by staff twice. both those times happened in the same day. and were to the same place. a costa that was in the main hospital. does it even count as going out if youre just taken to a different part of the same building?

i had to stay there for 2 months while actively suicidal patients were allowed to leave before their 2 week assessments were over

even my camhs psychologist admitted that she didnt expect them to keep me for more than 2 weeks

the hospital psychologist admitted that she had no idea why dr d was insisting i stay for so long

i was told i was going to be put on a meal plan. i told them that would make me lose weight bc it would further limit how much i could eat. they didnt listen to me and blamed me when i did, in fact, lose weight

for the first month i was there no one did anything about my weight. i had to keep telling them that was my main problem and i needed help with it. after their ‘help’ hindered more than anything i regretted bringing it up

one night we found a piece of paper saying ‘i have a knife and im going to use it to self harm or kill someone’. when we all got, understandably, scared the nurses patronised us and got annoyed with us

a nurse yelled at my friend for ‘not being polite’

my friend managed to run away from the hospital twice. there were warning signs that the rest of the patients picked up on. she nearly killed herself both times

my friend found a razorblade on a seat. she was so shocked to see it there she said out loud ‘there’s a razorblade’. she said later that she regretted alerting everyone to it bc the nurses obviously took it away. we still dont know how it got there

one girl brought in a pair of scissors. no one had thought to check her bag. luckily she didnt intend to use them for anything other than arts & crafts (& cutting her hair, which is how i found out about the scissors & told her to hand them in. yeah, they didnt even notice she had scissors until i pointed them out)

one girl stole a syringe from the medical room and used it to take the supplement out of her nose tube. they didnt notice for weeks.

one week i gained some of weight. when i was happy dr d said ‘thats not really enough to be happy about’. the next week a lost less weight than i had gained. he spent half an hour telling me about how much of a failure i was

dr d tried very hard to have me diagnosed with atypical anorexia despite me consistently saying ‘i want to gain weight because i know im unhealthily underweight’ and the fact that the reason i was admitted to camhs was bc i went to the doctor for help to gain weight

my parents came to collect me to go out every day at 1:30pm. one day by 3:30pm they still werent there. i was scared something had happened because i had no phone to text them using. eventually i was told that the staff had called them to tell them not to come, and no one had told me. i had a panic attack because theyd gone behind my back and this meant i wouldnt be able to text my fp all day. the next day when i saw dr d he said ‘youre nearly 18 isnt it a bit childish to get upset over not seeing your parents for just one day?’

an ot that i saw said that i ‘put on an american accent and smiled when it was pointed out’. what really happened was she asked if i had an american accent and i smiled out of awkwardness and said ‘i speak to american people so maybe i picked it up??’ bc i didnt want her to feel awkward. if she had asked me i would have told her that i wasnt trying to put on any kind of accent

we were allowed to watch the babadook and mama but the second we suggested a film about psychosis we were told no

me and my friend got yelled at for what was on tv once

they called the police on patients, multiple times, when it was clear that no one would have reacted violently if they’d just done their jobs right

my friend cried because she knew after she left hospital she would have a criminal record. she had punched a nurse by accident while having a panic attack

i was told i could go home & was being discharged. i emptied out my room and spent a great 2 weeks at home. then we were called and i was told i had to go back for a night

dr d always had an idea in his head of what was wrong with me, and if i said anything that went against it he’d tell me that i was either lying or in denial

dr d told me off for not looking at him and said it wasnt polite

dr d told me off for crying

dr d told me off for not feeling safe with my eyes closed

dr d told another patient that she was probably not autistic bc she understood what ‘pull your socks up’ meant

despite me saying that i wanted to be assessed for asd nothing happened. they told me that they would consider me to be ‘informally autistic’ but that meant literally nothing

nurses thought that they could get me to eat by sitting next to me and guilting me

very few nurses noticed that i ate chocolate after meals because i was aware of the fact that i wasnt eating much & i wanted to change that

i had to eat chocolate after meals bc no one listened to me when i explained my food issues and that was the only way to make sure i was eating

there was what was basically a riot. i wasnt there when it happened but its easy to see how people got that upset and angry

the day after the riot everyone was punished, even those of us who hadnt even been at the hospital

my friend was shut in the ‘rumpus room’ (padded room). its illegal to do that

it took a month before someone told me i was allowed to discharge myself

i spent two months in a psychiatric hospital. it was never explained why i was there in a way i could understand. dr d literally said ‘my colleagues ask why you’re still here’ yet he didn’t discharge me. if i hadn’t turned 18 im sure i would still be there. i wasnt diagnosed with anything. it made my mental health worse

this isnt even everything because my memory of then is very patchy

#yellow.txt #.txt #long post --#hospital --#food m --#calories m --#ed m --#doctors m --#ask to tag --#ableism ? --#medical abuse ? --#hospital tag

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