#but Misty fucks off for a decade and a half and then still assumes she can act in Maya's best interest

[some-zer0]

Forever obsessed with the way that Bridge to the Turnabout revolves around Morgan, Diego, Iris, and Misty deciding they alone know what's best for the people they care about, with that assumption being inherently false due to it having been constructed on outdated, heavily biased memories

Morgan wants Pearl to be Master because SHE wanted to be Master, so she assumes her plan's the best thing for Pearl, even though we can clearly see that it would ruin Pearl's life

Diego's using Maya as a proxy for Mia, believing that since he couldn't save Mia he has to save Maya, but his grief blinds him to the fact that he doesn't actually have a personal relationship with Maya

Iris is, once again, going along with a plan because she assumes others know best, but she's also an ambiguous enough character that you could interpret her as trying to fulfill an obligation to Pearl (her sister), Maya (the future Master), and Phoenix (who she wasn't able to protect last time)

And Misty is trying to save her daughter, but she's also the one who ran away when Mia and Maya were children, thereby putting them directly in danger of Fey clan politics in the first place

Diego, Iris, and Misty have multiple opportunities to tell Pearl, Phoenix, or Maya what's going on, but they're so set on viewing them a certain way that they can't see them as they really are. Like, Phoenix has been Maya's closest friend and biggest supporter since Mia's death, and he's a major caretaker of Pearl too, so why not let him know what's happening? Pearl genuinely doesn't know what Morgan's asking her to do -- she could almost certainly be talked out of the channeling if she understood that Maya would be in danger, so why not tell her? And Maya has already been involved in several extremely dangerous situations, including a previous plot by Morgan, so why not tell her? Especially since it's her life on the line?

Bridge to the Turnabout is a story of good intentions, but ultimately all that those good intentions did was rob Maya, Pearl, and Phoenix of their agency and lead to unnecessary tragedy

#listen I love diego as a character #but I'm also so goddamn angry at him #and I'm even more mad at Misty #at least Diego didn't have a choice in not being around y'know #but Misty fucks off for a decade and a half and then still assumes she can act in Maya's best interest #like I know it's terrible but when I got to the reveal that Elise was Misty #I was more upset that Maya would have to find out in such a traumatic way than the fact that she was dead #hooooo boy this is a long post #I could write a dissertation on bttt #one of these days I'll write a one-shot about it or something #I think Maya Phoenix and Pearl should get to be angry #ace attorney #phoenix wright #maya fey #pearl fey #morgan fey #diego armando #iris fey #misty fey #aa3 spoilers #rambles

[period-dramallama]

A skim read of jean plaidy’s St Thomas Eve

For @thalassodromid bc this is our Niche

General thoughts on quality (TLDR)

-First off, I should give this book something of a pass because it was written 60+ years ago. Historical research, like science, Marches On.

-I skimmed it because i was not loving the style. There’s very little description, the pacing feels like This Happened And Then This Happened. With this story, you should have a sense of the stakes, the tension. It lacks atmosphere.

-This book really didn’t spark much emotion in me. I was heartwarmed and amused, but never frightened, horrified, fascinated or upset. I felt no panic when Meg got the sweat. 

-Honestly i was so bored I started wondering if maybe this is too difficult a story to tell, because i came in loving these historical figures and wanting content. How bored must the unobsessed reader be?

-Show don’t tell, Jean! Don’t tell me everyone’s very upset, show me them upset. Don’t tell me Meg loves Thomas, show their bond. Don’t tell me everyone loves Thomas for his honesty, show me him helping his neighbours.

-To be fair, there’s a lot to get through in 260 pages.

-I just love how historical fiction pulp novels have Book Club questions at the back. It just feels rather cocky, imo. Like you think your book is Deep enough for me to sit and ponder the characters. Like there was a question that was something like: “do you prefer Katherine of Aragon or Anne Boleyn” which was kind of hilarious because the whole book it was Poor Loyal Old Ugly Katherine and Six Fingered Anne Boleyn Is A Minx And Wants Thomas More Dead

Pet peeves

-at the beginning of the book, it says “Secretly Henry VII was unbothered by his wife’s death” or something along those lines. Given that Henry VII locked himself away after Elizabeth died and his mum had to step in and rule because he stopped functioning, this left a bitter taste in my mouth. Henry VII in this book is a Mean Evil Miser so of course he can’t love or be loved by a Good Woman.

-John More jnr being described as the family dunce. To be fair, maybe the book came out before we knew he was a translator too, but STILL. Don’t put John down to raise the girls up. He is valid too. 

-the language is what my old tutor would call ‘mock Tudor’. I think it was expected at the time that you had to try and make the language authentic- The Blanket of the Dark and the Man on a Donkey both use Tudor language. It really made the dialogue annoying. Lots of ‘tis and ‘twas and it was this close to beshrew me verily and hey fucking nonny nonny. Every time Alice said fuckign ‘Tilly valley’ I went AAAARGGGH. JUST HAVE HER SAY THE WORD ‘NONSENSE’. There’s a happy middle, imo, between too Tudor and too modern, and it’s quite a broad middle, you can move around a lot in it, but there are limits. 

-SPEAKING OF ALICE. Her character introduction was so good- first described as ‘an authoritative feminine voice’ *chef’s kiss* she stops a fainting Jane from being trampled at Henry’s coronation, accompanies her home and cares for her while simultaneously lowkey roasting her interior decoration. But then she becomes a bit of a caricature. When Meg gets the sweat she nags her for going near anyone who might have the sweat. The book club questions say ‘there’s more to her than meets the eye’ THEN SHOW ME MORE THAN ONE SIDE OF HER. Also Thomas loves her even though she’s ‘rude and stupid’ but Meg doesn’t understand why. Grr. 

-”mistress middleton will hear you [2 year old John] crying and box your ears” NO NO NO NO NO!

-also i get a 1950s Spanking Children Is Good Parenting vibe because Alice hits the Morelings with a slipper if they don’t study, and Tm’s described as too much of “a coward” (literally the word coward is used) to hit his children other than with peacock feathers.

-Utopia being described as an ideal state...it’s really more than that. I don’t like the idea that Meg and Thomas were okay with religious toleration but then Thomas became Consumed With Hate and he says “well religious toleration would be great in an IDEAL state...”

-Meg being horrified by heretic burning. Maybe the evidence of her views wasn’t yet available and so social mores of the 50s meant that writers and historians assumed that Of Course Being a Delicate Woman She Would Have A Natural Desire For Peace And Mercy. Grr.

-Too romancey. To be fair, Jean Plaidy wrote a lot of historical romances so maybe that’s just what she’s comfortable with (and these are historical figures that never get a chance to shine) but between Meg and Will, Clement and Mercy, Joan and Thomas, Giles and Cecily... it’s a bit like Pearl Harbour in that it’s hard to care about the cute romance when men are getting burned alive in the background. A good historical romance is more like Titanic: the lovers are directly connected with the Big Historical Events ongoing. Skip!

-in this book, Mercy thinks to herself that Meg would have Tm sign the oath, but Mercy would prefer tm to do as his conscience dictates...that feels like the wrong way round.

-Erasmus and Thomas More speaking in English...Doubt.jpeg. 

-Thomas More muses on how Complex men are because there’s Proud Cold Thomas Howard who is Soft for Simple Launderess Bess Holland...yeah given the multiple colossal power imbalances in that real-life affair, I’d be very surprised if it never strayed into abuse.

-baby Meg is a lil too precocious.

-dying Joan tells Meg to look after her father, no Joan stop I love you but don’t give a six year old responsibility, I don’t care if she’s six but acts eleven, looking after TM is Alice’s job not Meg’s. 

-Tm using the phrase ‘our little secret’ with Meg. The context is not abusive, but the phrase is so weighted, it’s like referring to something as “a final solution”: the famous meaning is too horrifying to feel comfortable with that combination of words in any context at all. 

-Joan’s younger sister being described as beautiful and flirtatious, and the whole bit about More fancying the younger sister but going for the older out of honour. The book says that More’s fascination with joan’s sister is the reason he realised he couldn’t be a priest. Given Joan’s 16, her sister’s 15 at the oldest, possibly 14. So a 26 year old can’t be a priest because he’s lusting after a 14-15 year old girl who is attractive and who has been flirting with him. Squick. 

-also no mention of erasmus at the end of tm’s life. Boo. I think a dude in the tower would think about his BFF of 30+ years who he hasn’t seen for 10+ years 

Good bits

-It’s obviously unintentional, but given how the word ‘gay’ has changed, i gave a little cheer every time a character was described as gay. Cecily and John are both gay, Thomas More is very gay, and later in the book wishes he could go back to being gay again. Loving the accidental representation 

-”a boy who is not worth the tossing” i have a dirty mind ok

-Joan getting something of a personality! She even feels insecure because she’s a normal person stuck in a family of geniuses.

-George Boleyn is described as being ‘a bright boy’ and later the girls joke that if they meet him they’ll probably fall in love THIS SO REFRESHING. Otoh, Mary Boleyn is slutshamed and Anne is a scheming minx so the double standard does spoil it a little. 

-Thomas More makes puns! At one point Alice says “more’s the pity” and then immediately says “don’t you dare make a pun out of that. i know u will. DON’T I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR PUNS” Granted, Plaidy stresses that his wit is never cruel or mocking (Doubt.jpeg) but i think this is maybe the funniest More. 

-It acknowledges the heretic burning! Not bad for 1950-something. At the end there’s a sort of Hm Thomas More Is A Complex Dude How Do We Approach Him page from H8′s POV.

-More’s father getting all misty-eyed when his son becomes Chancellor

-Henry VIII kissing tm’s forehead

-the flogging of the mentally ill upskirter being depicted

-Wolsey not being a caricature but a worldly and practical man. He’s explicitly described as “not a bad man”

-”He [TM] was no Erasmus, who, having thrown the stone that shattered the glass of orthodox thought, must run and hide himself lest he should be hurt by the splinters” not a very fair way to depict Erasmus (as he spent a lot of the last decades of his life arguing against Luther and trying to mediate between religious factions, esp in Basel) However, I like the metaphor

-Meg talking about how she and her sisters will always compare men unfavourably to their father... understandable.

-More explaining why Heretic Burning is Good Actually is done well

-Meg pointing out that More and Erasmus both criticised the Church, only it’s a bit half-baked because More never experiences any doubt or crisis over it. 

-Meg being torn between the Lutheran and the Catholic men she loves is at least some conflict and stakes when it finally shows up.

-Alice standing trial for dogknapping on page 195. A Big Lipped Alligator Moment, and I’ve no idea the source (i doubt Plaidy would make it up completely, it’s so out of nowhere) but it’s fun. It feels like one of More’s ‘merry tales’

“[Erasmus] read aloud to Thomas when he came home; and sometimes Thomas would sit by his friend’s bed with Margaret on one side of him and Mercy on the other; he would put an arm about them both, and when he laughed and complimented Erasmus so that Erasmus’ pale face was flushed with pleasure, then Margaret believed that there was all the happiness in the world in that room.” my emotions! my emotions! my ship is sailing, i repeat, the ship is sailing!

-”Meg, this is one of the happiest days of my life. it is a day I shall remember on the day i die. i shall say to myself when i find death near me: ‘the great erasmus said that of my daughter, my meg.’”

-”So the King likes verses!” said mistress middleton, her voice softening a little. 

“Ah, madam,” said Thomas. “What the King likes today, may we hope Mistress Middleton will like tomorrow?” Do I smell... flirtation...

-”His face was pleasant and kindly, [Alice] concluded....She would like to feed him some of her possets, put a layer of fat on his bones with her butter.” Does this version of Alice have a feeding kink I definitely think, in this ‘verse, Tm and Alice are 100% having sex.

-John Colet’s in it, though described as tm’s confessor (who i think was actually grocyn or linacre)

-Alice clearing a path for a fainting Jane with “Stand aside, you oafs.” alexa, play X gon give it to you. 

#historical fiction #warning: very very long post

[splinteredsinner]

Mentions: Jamie B (ex), Parents, Sister, Marcel, Katherine, William and Madeline. Location: Mystic Falls, her home. Triggers: Distress, Grief, Abuse, Hallucinations, Language. 

Aria had been keeping to herself these last few weeks. The fact her ex knew she was alive wasn’t ideal, nor was the followers of his he kept sending to watch her. Naturally, the vampires paranoia about who was around her was high at all times, but after she spotted and killed the tenth follower he sent, you could say she’d loosened up and dropped her guard a few inches. Almost like she’d begun to expect the people who loved him rather than the man himself - she wasn’t afraid of them, only him, not that she would admit that, not even to herself. Aria was on her home to pack for New Orleans, naturally, she wanted to be in the company of her family and home city. The wind was calm and with a few drinks in her system, she wasn’t paying much attention as she walked up her drive, noticing the front door was cracked open only when she was a couple steps away. People letting themselves into her home without an invite had become something of a bad habit these days, so with a roll of her eyes she pushed the door open and dropped her keys on the table. Maybe it was Marcel. Katherine? William or even Madeline? “You know, doors get locked for a reason,” she called out in mild annoyance as she walked to the living area, figuring that’s where she would find the culprit. Instead, what she found when she turned the corner, was three human-sized stuffed dolls hanging from her lights. “What th-” her words were cut off and she was brought to her knees by a pair of hands that took a nasty grip on the sides of her head.

The searing pain had her close to tears so when it stopped? A big breath fell from her lungs. “That was not very nice.” Aria hissed, though she had no idea who she was addressing. Her eyes opened and she blinked at the floor as she rose back to her feet in a slight haze. It was only when she looked back up at the dolls that all the oxygen in the room seemed to be sucked right out. Gone were the dolls and there hung the bodies of her parents and sister exactly how she recalled seeing them on that dreadful day. “No,” she whispered, her feet stumbling backwards. The vampire would have fallen to the ground without being halted by a bruising grip on her arm and a fist in the back of her hair so she couldn’t turn away. Logically she knew this couldn’t be real, that it was some trippy witchy juju, but that didn’t matter. This might not be real right now, but it was real back then. If ever there was a memory that could pierce through every tough layer of her skin, it was this. The tears were already blurring her vision and a choked sob that she forced back down her throat could be heard when she heard the whisper of her holder in her ear. “My sweet Aria, how I have missed you.” Goosebumps prickled all across her skin as she didn't need to see the face to know exactly who that voice belonged to. “Jamie.” Without vampire hearing, his name wouldn’t even be audible. Aria desperately wanted to fight her way out his grip but it was like every inch of her was as frozen as it was locked in his grasp. 

“Do you like the view? You know I always dabbled in theatrics, I thought this would remind you of the good old days,” he cooed in her ear. By now, her eyes were already fixated on her family in spite of the fact she knew it was a hallucination. Any sassy remarks she might have had were gone in the wind, she couldn’t even utter a syllable, let alone a sentence. Fuck. Marcel was right - as always. She couldn’t do this alone, she wasn’t brave, she wasn’t fearless or strong, not when it came to her ex. Aria had never allowed herself to process everything he did to her and what he did to her family and it showed in the way he managed to silence and glue her to the ground with one vision. “Little much, Ari?” Jamie taunted, giving a whistle which she only assumed was a signal because, in the next few seconds, the room returned to its original state. Aria could once again see the dolls but it did little to help her breathe - mostly, she was just trying not to let her legs give way. If she was honest with herself she felt like if a black hole swallowed her up right now it would be a blessing. Removing the hand he curled in her hair, he used the one he had on her arm to swing her body around and face him. 

As if it was pure instinct her eyes had dropped down to avoid his face, not that it mattered much when the grip on her jaw forced her head up. Face to face, eye to eye, she dared not speak because if she did, it wouldn’t just be the misty eyes he saw, he’d hear the shake in her voice. “You’ve changed a lot over the decades. Darkness becomes you, Miss. Hale,” leaning back to look at her black attire. “And that vicious attitude, I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised. Do tell me, was it I who inspired the vixen in you? I do hope so, I might not be your sire, but I am your creator.” Jamie loosened his grip on her jaw to caress her cheek. “Stop.” Finally, she bit at him, turning her cheek away from his touch in an instant. “You didn’t make me. I made me.” For these fleeting moments at least, her fury had pushed down any fear that was churning in her stomach, much to his amusement. “She speaks,” he beamed a charming smile and let go of her, almost like he knew she was too shocked to move or attack him quite yet. “You were always my favourite. The way you submitted to my every whim and desire,” there was a sickening purr to his tone that only fuelled the bubbling rage slipping through her bones and into her blood. “I really did love you, Aria,” Jamie admitted, pulling a scoff from Aria’s lips.

Whatever he felt for her was not love, she knew that now, he wasn’t able to convince her otherwise. Aria wasn’t that naive little girl anymore, she knew a manipulative man when she saw one and with that in mind, she straightened her posture and held his gaze. “You may have gotten under my skin back then but you don’t have that power over me anymore. Whatever you’re here to do, get it done.” Her tone was as solid as her stance. Certain he was here to end her like he tried to do all those years ago, she’d be damned if she let him take her down a shaky, vulnerable mess. “What do you think I’m here to do?” Jamie suddenly looked overly amused. “I was going to turn you that night your King interrupted. It was all such a tragic misunderstanding.” He sighed. “I felt as though he had snatched you away from me and I acted out of blind rage in response to losing you.” He was referring to what he did to her family and the fact he even said it had her entire expression twisting in disgust and confusion. She would never know if that was true or not and honestly she didn’t care either. “Or at least I assumed I lost you. But here you are. Alive and...” he paused, blowing out an appreciative whistle. “Time has been very kind to you. Aria, I’m not here to kill you, I’m here wondering if you could be as loyal to me now as you were back then.” What the fuck. She thought. He looked so serious and that’s because he was. He was just that delusional to think she would, for a second, want to be anything other than his demise. 

“You must be fucking joking,” she snarled. Not to her surprise, his response was a harsh slap that he didn’t give her time to retaliate to. Her back was slammed against the wall and his hand was around her throat. Aria thought digging her nails into his chest would make him loosen up but he didn’t even flinch. In fact, there was a glimmer in his eyes like he almost enjoyed the pain. “Is that a no?” Unable to speak through his choking hold, she chose to respond by dragging her nails down his chest, ripping at least half an inch into his skin. Jamie hissed, but it didn’t last long before he started laughing. “Tell me something,” his eyes were on the already healing wounds before they turned to her left hip. “If I’m so far in your past,” his free hand tugged at the side of her jeans, pulling them just enough to display the mark he’d branded into her skin so many moons ago. “Why haven’t you covered this over?” Turning his gaze back to her, he almost looked curious, enough to allow her to reply, so it seemed. Aria breathed and swallowed now she had the room to do so and she faintly shook her head. “It reminds me never to be so naive again.” She was honest, at least, right before she delivered a harsh knee to his gut followed by a punch to his face.

He laughed before he swung back and the two brawled violently for a good minute, smashing through the tables, cabinets, turning over the chairs and spilling blood all across the front room. This was what she was good at, god damn it. Fighting vampires? She did that for sport. Except, it was never easy. Usually, the risk of losing was what she enjoyed, but the risk of losing to him was throwing her way off her game. With a split second decision to turn her gaze to a weapon to use against him, he used it to dig his hand into her chest cavity. Aria cried out and if it hadn’t been for him stilling her body, she’d have probably caused her own death by wriggling. “Now look what you’ve made me do?” He snapped, pulling his hand out only to grip her face with the same one, smearing her own blood all over her jaw and cheek. “You’ll come back to me, Aria, or so help me, I’ll turn your two favourite hunters inside out and feed them to your King,” he was furious, it showed in every crease on his face. Aria didn’t want anything to happen to William and Madeline and she knew he wasn’t bluffing when he said he would hurt them. “Now, I’ll give you time to think about it, but one word to anyone, especially Marcel...” He whistled and shook his head. “It would be a very big mistake.” Dipping down, he forced a kiss upon her forehead. Aria squeezed her eyes shut and when she felt him let go, she opened her eyes to find an empty house. Her legs no longer even tried to hold her weight now he’d left and she collapsed to the floor with a broken cry. Jamie would make good on his threats, they were like his promises. She already knew what she had to do. Keep Marcel in the dark, push William and Madeline far away from her and figure out how to put Jamie down, alone. 

#self #self para #background vs. present #fa la la la la

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 6]

Meant to get this done a while ago, but I’ve got a new job and it’s been keeping me busy. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter; it’s probably the most action-packed one yet. 

Content warnings for this chapter include more (attempted) rape, a consensual sex scene (not described), and some violence. And a hell of a lot of nonsense that may hurt your brain if you think about it too hard.

Recap: Tiaa competed in, and won, a school talent contest. Edward was very impressed with her, but Tiaa was still angry about him rejecting her advances back in chapter 4, so she yelled at him and then went and had a cry.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN - dnt all just attack me for the things writen in this chapter about Tiaas parents, i havent explaned everything yet an it will make more sense later. 

Which probably means it will make no sense now, but we’ll see.

Chapter 6 - the curse

-Oh ewdard with your skin so white Your eyes like amber out of sight Pale angel in my eyes Hair like gold rosy sunrise-

That’s a hell of a poem, but maybe you should stick to prose.

I read the words of my poem out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, i just couldnt help myself. I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings. 

Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance. 

In my original version of the MST I made a comment here about Tiaa needing therapy and antipsychotics. I would have reproduced it as-is, but I don’t wanna seem like I’m making light of mental illness; that being said, as someone who goes to therapy and takes antipsychotics, this girl could use some professional medical attention. Like, pronto.

A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there. 

It was… VLODEMORT AND DA DETH DEALERS!!11!1

"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned 

"who are you?" i wispa quietly

"i am your FATHER! 

That’s a real shocker after he just called her his daughter.

I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI! 

Not positive why he’s screaming this part, but I’ll go with it.

Your in terror and peril my daugher! 

God I fucking love this author’s use of the English language.

Beware the vampire boy called edward!" 

"why?" I said

"you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you...you'll become a VAMPIRE! 

Uh… what? Lemme dissect this.

Tiaa’s dad is a vampire. Presumably her mom was not, though I get the feeling mom may not have been human either. Human/vampire hybrids are an established thing in the Twilight universe, and Tiaa clearly isn’t one (just for starters, she’s apparently been aging at a normal rate, as opposed to the highly accelerated pace at which human/vampire hybrids mature), so let’s assume her mom has some other supernatural shit going on. There’s a curse involved, so let’s say she’s a witch or similar. 

Why the hell would there be a curse on Tiaa that makes her turn (presumably irreversibly) into a vampire if she has sex with a vampire? Who caused this? What’s going on? Is it specifically Edward who’s dangerous to her, or would any other vampire pose the same threat? What is defined as “sex” here? Vaginal intercourse?

What a weird plot twist. Moving the hell on.

And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them..." 

Wait, safe from who? Why would being human make her safer? Would she be targeted specifically for being nonhuman if she were to become a vampire? Why?

then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.

"take ur clothes off now you moldy slut!" said uncle larry and he smiles horribly with his yellow teeth

Geez, Uncle Larry, at least do something about the mold first.

"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. 

Oh, okay, so we finally get a sense of how big and strong Uncle Larry is compared to Tiaa. Presumably Atlantiana “strong and graceful like the running anti-lopes” Rebekah Loren is faster than this guy, though. I feel like she might still be able to outmaneuver him.

He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed. 

Where did the chains come from? Did Uncle Larry bring them with him or do Dave and Marie keep bondage equipment in the house?

I new he was going to rape me again. 

That’s an impressive deduction.

But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...EDWARD!

I was gonna make a totally different comment here but it actually just struck me (pun not intended) that this is the most in-character Edward has been yet. If you read Twilight, there’s actually a scene where he saves Bella from a group of guys attempting to corner and assault her. His mind-reading ability and stalker tendencies both come in handy here; it’s not a stretch to imagine he might be hanging about in the vicinity of Tiaa’s house, and he would be able to read Uncle Larry’s mind and know what Larry planned on doing to Tiaa. As ridiculous as him conveniently busting in at the nick of time might seem, it’s exactly the sort of thing he’d do.

"omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?"

Never mind, apparently he didn’t actually read Uncle Larry’s mind, or he would have known what the frightful asshole (great phrase) had been doing to Tiaa. So we’re back to the scene making no sense. 

"he's been raping me and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me, and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.

"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very moved" he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee" 

Edward, man, you’re coming up on 100 years old. You’ve been going through the educational system over and over again for decades. Surely you’ve read some good poetry (by which I mean “surely you’ve read the one or two good poems to have been written in the history of poetry, one of which is definitely ‘The Emperor of Ice Cream’ by Wallace Stevens”) in your time on this earth.

"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask

"Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly. 

Promised because he made a promise. Got it.

Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody but she has changed and so have her freinds. I dont know watt made her change, maybe it is mine fault, she just seems angry all the time now."

That’s what happens when a Mary Sue shows up in your story! Canon characters start acting really weird to allow the Sue to fill a specific role that would otherwise not exist!

"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said.

We left the house and went to walk in the woods. We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon. We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic.

I actually think one of the perks of dating a vampire would be being able to pick his brain about pop culture through the ages. Like, it’d be really cool to talk about hip youth culture with someone who has been masquerading as a hip young person for over fifty years; that’s gotta be a unique perspective. But what the hell are the odds of a teenager in the 2000s matching interests perfectly with someone who’s lived through the entire 20th century?

"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say

…see, now that’s actually completely solid relationship advice.

"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. I could not be responsable for her death! 

Uh, her depression (and/or manipulative tendencies?) isn’t his responsibility. On the other hand, though, this is in-character for Edward.

I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady. 

I feel like Edward isn’t very good at judging when a girl is “nice and sweet.”

And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!" He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. 

This author’s frequent use of purple prose only makes it funnier when she describes something as minimally as this. “It broke.” Brilliant.

He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire.

Yeah, could be why.

"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore

Girl, you okay?

"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too. 

Did this boy just get a hard-on from punching a tree?

I retched out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. 

I am literally imploring you to use the word “penis” instead.

We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love. It was amazing and lasted hours and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. 

These two have some impressive stamina considering it’s the first time for both of them. I mean, I guess Edward is a vampire, and Tiaa is... Tiaa, but still.

But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.

Yeah, he’s like that.

"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! 

I’ll cut the guy some slack for being eternally seventeen years old, which probably doesn’t come with the best impulse control, but… they had sex for hours, and he only just now started to realize his mistake? 

I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away.

I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me. i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream. 

It’s not really shocking, honestly. The entire story has been about Edward’s inability to make up his goddamn mind over whether or not to leave Bella. I’d be angry too, because the constant waffling back and forth is pretty annoying, but… oh, hang on, that actually says she was socked, not shocked. Never mind.

But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent. I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! 

Yeah, it’s pretty easy to forget randomly blacking out and having a vision of your vampire dad. That’s the sort of thing that happens so often it’s hard to keep track.

My skin was getting all hard and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away. I even wanted to drink blood!

She’s turning into Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

and i could smell a human comin closer, he was almost here

"There you are you horrid SLUG" it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!”

Well, that’s some real authentic-sounding rapist dialogue.

Also, if you remember my comment from earlier about placing bets on which chapter Uncle Larry dies horribly in, and you bet on chapter 6, congrats! You don’t win anything. I’m out of confetti.

Something in me snaped. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! 

I don’t normally condone vampirism, but in this case — you go, girl! Give ‘em what for!

i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...dead!

I woulda thought he’d have died once his neck was broken, but if she has enough technique to keep him alive to suffer even with a broken neck, more power to her.

Next chapter

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