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blushsani · 20 days

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sincerity | c.s

⋆ choi san x fem reader ⋆ wc : 2.1k ⋆ genre : hurt/comfort, light angst, fluff ⋆ warnings : slight drinking ⋆ precis : when mistakes are made, a way to make things right needs to be found. ⋆ notes : hi!! this is my first post on here and i am very very veeery excited! pls do enjoy ૮ >ﻌ< ა / i would like to mention that it’s not exactly mentioned in this what exactly happened between them. the backstory is just something you can decide on as a reader (if you would like to). again, pls enjoy! <3

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"sani."

you have no idea where you plan to start as you call out to the man in front of you. your words pass your lips in a firm tone, yet somehow breathless at the same time. a mixture you can’t exactly remember ever speaking in.

it’s moments like these where you wish you had the ability to go back in time.

if you could, you know the first moment you’d return to would be the afternoon you and san shared the day or two before all this began. your head against san’s chest, san’s arms embracing you with more warmth than ever before, your mind listening to each and every one of san’s heartbeats, san’s check against the top of your head. the calm before the storm.

at the sound of your voice, san turns around from the chair he’s sat on in surprise. at the sound of the nickname, san simultaneously softens in the click of a finger.

was he expecting to see you soon? of course.

was he expecting to see you tonight? most definitely not.

for a second, he isn’t even sure how you got in. maybe he drank more than he thought.

but the sight of you already makes his heart beat quicker and you you you and strictly you is the only thing on his mind.

it feels like a lifetime since he’s last seen you. seen your face. don’t even get him started on the last time he got to hold you.

he tried so hard to the last time he saw you. san remembers the café you told him to meet you in through a text message. he had never been there before and briefly wondered if the creamy white and beige building was new to the city. the lack of customers could have been a sign he was correct.

you take a few steps closer into the apartment, closer to the seating area he situated himself in. san notices where your gaze is directed and suddenly feels embarrassed.

you must think he’s pathetic, san thinks to himself as it immediately clicks that you’re looking at the bottle of whiskey on the table situated in front of him. he too turns his head to look at the bottle of whiskey and opens his mouth to say god knows what but you were seconds quicker than him.

“we should talk,” you pause for a moment, “can we?”

god he missed you. he never thought he’d ever be in a situation where he’d have to miss you this much.

“please.” it was only until san spoke that he realised how desperate he sounded. he was ready to drop to his knees in a heartbeat.

you take a sharp inhale at the sound of his voice. he sounded almost longing, you’re taken aback. but you take no more time to nod your head in the direction of the white loveseat positioned opposite of san, silently gesturing if you can sit there. he nods in response.

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“i’ve missed you,” there’s a short pause, “ i’ve really missed you.”

there’s a deep fluttering in your stomach before san even finishes speaking. your first thought is to ignore him, and you do for a moment as you place your glass back down on the table. but then your second thought is going in a completely different direction, and you allow yourself to give in.

fuck it.

“i’ve missed you too.” you admit.

silence fills the air and becomes more and more deafening as each second goes by.

you raise your gaze, looking up at him as you press your hands together slightly tighter.

“i’ve been waiting to hear you say that for so fucking long.” san says with a vaguely trembling voice and eyes slowly, gradually bubbling with tears.

he hasn’t been able to stop missing you, thinking of you. hell, he was even starting to dream of you.

you were just everything to him. he was building so much with you and it began to feel like there was a physical, glowing light between you and him that was signifying how special the direction the pair of you were going in was. the bond you both shared resembled a thick tied rope that became firmer and tougher with every single pull.

it was the best thing san had experienced. you were the best thing san had experienced.

“can’t sleep properly. i can’t sleep properly all because of you san.” he could start sobbing. he could throw himself into your arms if you’ll have him.

his eyes flutter as he tries not to cry. he tries so very hard.

“what am i meant to do? what am i meant to do when all i can think of is you every single minute i spend breathing?” you start speaking and can’t seem to stop as more words pass through your lips. it’s almost like–no, it is–like you’re not in control of your mind.

the man before you is no different either. his mind turns slightly frantic and it’s just you–it’s all you–he needs you.

san’s moving before he can even think.

you could envision a string in between where you and san were seated. a thin string that was ready to break in half any second. and this was the exact moment where that string finally snapped. harshly.

within seconds, san has sat himself right beside you and has brought you into his arms. you can feel him gently scrooping you up and tucking your head into his chest, carefully digging his chin into the top of your head.

all the emotions catch up with you as the tears begin to trickle down to your cheeks.

there had been many hours of you scrolling through your messages with san, hours of you scrolling through your photos with san.

the amount of times you ended up daydreaming about san throughout your days.

the amount of times you were closer and closer to ending up on san’s front door.

the amount of nights you spent in bed just thinking about your san and thinking about how he should be beside you as you laid in bed, trying to seek sleep.

there was so much of you and your mind that missed san. you found it a challenge to fathom how much his presence made an impact on you and made you feel so at peace; you never were able to imagine any person coming into this life of yours and changing it this much.

but there was also so much of you that felt so much anger.

you were frustrated. you were so frustrated with san.

in those mixture of emotions that crept up on you, it was that deep frustration that seemed to come to a rise first.

a pitiful hit to san’s chest was the first way that anger presented itself. and then another hit. and then a third one. and then another weaker than the last.

suddenly, you could faintly feel your hands being grabbed by the wrist and situated around san’s middle instead. the movement left you positioned even deeper into san’s chest and embrace, you realise. at the touch, you shift your head to look up at san, cheek lightly rubbing against his white shirt. it takes no more than a couple seconds for san to pull himself away enough so that he can look down at you, and the sudden eye contact catches you off guard completely.

one thing you just couldn’t miss was the unwavering look in san’s eyes, regardless of how taken aback you ended up in the very moment or regardless of all the bitterness that had been taking over you the past few weeks.

there was so much love you could spot with ease in those eyes, and as more and more seconds continued to go by simply filled with you and san just unable to look anywhere else from one another, it began to feel overwhelming. almost like you were drowning. drowning in those brown eyes that looked back at you as if you had created the world by scratch.

you didn’t know it was possible for someone to hold this much visible love in their eyes, and you don’t know if or when you’ll ever be able to understand that the receiver of all this love is you.

in that very moment, all that can roll from your tongue is his name.

“san…”

in that very moment, all you can do is fall weak and find every way possible to bury yourself closer to him.

“sani.”

“i’m here baby, i’m right here. i love you–i love you so much.” san takes your cheeks in the palm of his hands, ever so lightly cupping both sides of your face.

“sani i’ve missed you,” you hiccup through a soft cry, “i just can’t–i love you san–”

you don’t even realise you’ve cut yourself off as another cry bubbles up within you.

however, one thing you do realise is that the place san holds in that heart of yours is bigger and greater than you could have ever imagined. you’re kidding yourself if you genuinely - from the bottom of your heart - believe you can live a life that has san erased from it. that’s not a life you can imagine settling in, that’s not a life you’d like to settle in, and that’s a life you refuse to settle in as long as you can control it.

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san adjusts himself, shuffling as he sits on his knees in front of you. he takes a second to widen the opening of the fluffy sock before aligning your foot with the socks’ entrance. with every movement he makes, he’s gentle. you’ve almost had to ask yourself whether or not you’re in fact a piece of something fragile like glass, because you’d think you were with how tender he is every time he’s with you. it’s apart of the already lengthy list of every single reason you love this man.

he rolls the cuff of your sock over once before giving the piece of material a move around on your foot, ensuring to adjust it so that its most comfortable.

he raises his head, gaze raising with him.

“comfortable?” he asks, taking his time as he stands.

“very. thank you.” you reply with a soft tone.

it was clear as day how sleepy you were, especially after the shower you took with san, but with that sleepiness gazing over you more and more, you were growing even more increasingly content and comfortable with every second that passed.

you could feel a buzz lingering lightly. it made your mind feel fuzzy, and all you could think about was the man standing right in front of you.

you can't remember ever feeling this secure before.

there was undeniably an elephant in the room. conversations that weren’t yet vocalised need to be had and there’s a mutual understanding of that.

you look into san’s eyes, a soft smile painted over your lips and while it remained just as genuine as it first appeared, it was not as bright as before. the look you find in san’s eyes as he keeps his gaze set on you shows you that there’s a lot he wants to say, and san must decide that it’s time to start saying what’s on his mind because–

“y/n i don’t–”, san seems to take a moment to think about his next words as he situates himself beside you on the bed, his hands still in yours, “i want you to know that i love you. and i want you to know that…i know there’s a lot that needs to be said and a lot that you deserve to hear and a lot i need to show you. i don’t want you to think i’m just ignoring this. please…baby please know that.”

there’s a short silence that follows, filled with you and san holding eye contact. you see so much sincerity in his eyes, it pours from him.

no words were shared; it wasn’t necessary. you nod, silently thanking san before leaning forward and wrapping your arms around his frame, hugging him.

it’s so easy for you to melt against him.

all it takes is the feeling of san’s hand rubbing against the small of your back for you to know everything is going to be okay.

you and san are going to be okay.

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