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oliverreedmasterass · 7 months

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Starcatchers 1x2 - Waited All Your Life

Synopsis: In the second episode of Starcatchers, the members of Greta Van Fleet deal with loss: Josh loses his beloved notebook (which Sam attempts to find) and Jake and Danny get hopelessly lost in the woods.

Words: 6.7k

Warnings: reference to cannibalism, sad Josh, Jake not Respecting the Pouch™, Bigfoot, the Kraken

Notes: EVERYONE GIVE ALEX (@jmkho) SO MUCH LOVE FOR THE TITLE AND ADDISON (@starcatcherkiszka) FOR THE ORIGINAL IDEA!!! 🫶🫶🫶

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Josh wakes up in a well-kept, rustic-themed bedroom with a deep yawn and a wide smile. Sunlight floods in through the windows and birds can be heard in the distance singing their morning songs. Josh carefully folds his sheets down to his feet, revealing a fancy pair of silk pajamas, and slides out of bed to admire the stunning view of the Great Smoky Mountains. In high spirits, Josh begins to whistle along with the birds, joining their jovial songs. He’s basically a Disney princess.

Across the hall Jake’s alarm goes off, playing a loud guitar solo that may or may not be something he recorded himself. Jake is laying on the wrong end of his bed, so his foot slams down on his phone like it’s an actual alarm clock. This does nothing to turn the phone off. Despite this, Jake continues to bang his foot on the phone before eventually giving up and kicking it against the wall, cutting off the sound. Jake lets out a deep groan and curls up under his covers, like a dragon retreating into his cave.

Next door Danny is startled awake by Jake’s rattling snores. He glares at the wall and attempts to press his pillow over his head to drown out the sound, to no avail. Danny huffs, rolls out of bed, and raps his fist on the wall a couple of times. This only makes Jake snore louder. Danny lets out a frustrated groan, and scans around his room. A clock reveals that it is 6am. Danny perks up with a revelation and hustles to his backpack, where he pulls out his pair of in-ears. He pops them in and happily falls back asleep.

Down the hall from Danny, Sam is nowhere to be found in his room. The camera pans around in confusion, trying to find him. It eventually lands on him, standing upright and stiff as a board on the balcony wearing nothing but a pair of swim trunks, goggles, and flippers. The camera moves closer and it becomes evident that he is sleep-talking.

SAM: I’m ready to fight the Kraken. Put me in, coach, I wanna bop ‘im in the schnoz.

Sam gives a few half-assed punches as he continues to sleep.

JOSH: [singing loudly as he passes down the hallway] Rise and shine! Adventure awaits, boys!

Groans sound from all of the rooms except for Sam’s.

SAM: The only thing that will rise is my fist to your face, tentacle boy!

Starcatchers Theme/Opening Titles

[acoustic theme song with a harmonica]

From the fires we emerged anew,

Singing, playing rock and roll,

Reviving a genre just for you.

Across the globe we traveled far

Recruiting an army of peace,

Enchanting crowds with our guitar.

A battle ensued at the Gardens Gate

And we preserved the gift of nature,

Standing up against a culture of hate.

We are the Starcatchers, reaching for the sky,

Discovering words of wisdom to live by.

We deliver a message from the heavens above:

Live your legend through the intelligence of love.

[end theme]

The members of Greta Van Fleet sit around the dining room table, sipping Capri Sun pouches.

JAKE: You need to stop eating chocolate before you go to bed, Sam.

SAM: I don’t think chocolate is what’s making these dreams so realistic.

JOSH: You’re right, there has to be something seriously wrong with you. I mean, who gears up for a scuba expedition and sleeps standing upright for 7 hours?

DANNY: Your brother does, that’s who.

SAM: (into his pouch) It made sense at the time.

JAKE: I’m sure it did, Sammy. (around to the rest of the table) We’ve got a big day ahead of us, Van Fleeters.

DANNY: I thought we agreed we weren’t gonna call each other that.

JAKE: It’s cool.

JOSH: I, for one, hate it. It sounds like we’re afraid of vans.

SAM: Wouldn’t be too far off for you with your eighteen wheelers though, would it, Josh?

JOSH: Quiet…

JAKE: (ignoring the banter) We have to get another song down in the books by the end of the week, otherwise we’re gonna get in trouble with “The Man.” At least, that’s what our manager told me. Could be the Kool Aid Man, could be Iron Man, I don’t know, but it didn’t sound good.

JOSH: Well I, for one, have to design all of my jumpsuits for our next tour. I’ve seen some stunning visions in my dreams that I’m looking forward to bringing to life.

SAM: Were you, by chance, standing when you had those dreams?

DANNY: I think we might need to start strapping you into your bed at night, Sam.

Sam looks like he isn’t entirely opposed to that idea. Danny looks at him in disbelief. He was joking.

JOSH: Actually, I should probably sketch one of them out now while it’s still fresh in my mind. It’s a jumpsuit for you, Jake! I think you’ll love it.

JAKE: (darkly) I doubt it.

JOSH: I’m gonna grab my notebook!

Josh jumps from his seat and does a cartwheel out of the room.

SAM: I think you would look good in a jumpsuit, Jake.

JAKE: I think you would look good with my foot up your butt, Sam.

DANNY: That’s a terrible comeback, Jake.

From the next room over, Josh lets out an agonizing shriek, as if he just discovered Mr. Boddy dead in the study with a lead pipe. Jake, Sam, and Danny hurry to find Josh on his knees in the center of the living room, clutching at his face in despair.

SAM: Oh god, did Rosie piss buckets in your slippers again?

JOSH: (whimpering) It’s my notebook.

DANNY: You lost it?

Josh nods his head sadly.

JAKE: You hardly looked for it, dude.

JOSH: I have a photographic memory. I vividly recall placing it on that table right there last night before I went to bed.

Josh points at the coffee table next to him. It’s empty, with the exception of a few Capri Sun pouches sucked dry, Rosie’s leash, and a Bop It. Jake absently grabs the Bop It and starts to play with it while Josh continues to wallow in his misery.

DANNY: We’re the only ones who have been here, Josh. Are you sure you didn’t put it somewhere else?

BOP IT: Twist it!

Jake twists the Bop It as he moves to the beat of the canned music.

SAM: (suddenly wearing a Sherlock Holmes-esque hat with a pipe and magnifying glass) No need to fear, dear civilian, this is a case for Detective Kiszka to crack open, just like a cold one.

BOP IT: Pull it!

Jake pulls the Bop It.

JAKE: Yoink!

SAM: (continuing) I’ve cleared the JFK assassination case, I proved that the moon landing was fake, my list of accolades extends farther than the eye can see.

The camera zooms in on Danny, who is rolling his eyes in the background.

BOP IT: Bop it!

Jake slams his hand on the center button of the Bop It.

JAKE: That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

SAM: (to Josh) When your grief subsides, poor soul, I would love to meet over tea so we can discuss your relationship to this notebook, and your speculations as to where it could have gone.

Josh gives a shrug.

JOSH: You can pencil me in for after 7 today.

Sam nods with understanding and pulls a ballpoint pen from his back pocket, licking its tip before writing a note on the back of his hand. Just visible on his hand is the note, Meet w/ crybaby @ 7.

BOP IT: Pull it!

JAKE: (in the background) Ohhhhh yeahhhhhh!

SAM: I’ve got you booked to find your notebook. Or, notebooked to find your notebook.

As Sam talks, the camera focuses on his tongue, which now has a massive blue ink splotch in the center of it. He’s one hell of a detective.

JOSH: I’ll have you know I didn’t find that funny at all, Detective Kiszka.

BOP IT: Twist it! Bop it! Pull it!

Jake is actually kind of nailing the Bop It. Even though Josh is still beside himself, he joins Sam and Danny as they watch Jake.

BOP IT: (faster) Pull it! Bop it! Twist it! Bop it! Pull it! Pull it! Pull it!

JAKE: What the?

BOP IT: Pull it! Pull it! Pull it!

DANNY: Dude, I think you broke my Bop It.

BOP IT: Pull it! Pull it! Pull it!

JAKE: It’s a trick, he’s trying to throw me off guard.

BOP IT: Pull it! Pull it! [beat] Bop it!

JAKE: HA! You can’t fool me, tiny man!

SAM: (holding his magnifying glass up to Jake) Tiny man?

JAKE: (still playing with the Bop It) Yeah, the tiny guy who lives inside this toy and tells me what to do next.

Sam, Danny, and Josh stare blankly at one another. It’s apparent they are all hoping Jake is kidding. Jake focuses back on the toy, indicating that he was, in fact, not kidding.

BOP IT: Bop it!

JAKE: I met him in a dream once. His name is Fergus.

SAM: When you woke up from that dream, were you standing, by any chance?

DANNY: Again, Sam, I think that’s a “you” problem.

Sam slumps his shoulders. Across the room, Josh has thrown himself dramatically on the carpeted floor, holding the back of his hand up to his forehead in exasperation.

JOSH: Oh, my dear notebook! What am I supposed to do? That’s where I keep all my sketches and lyrics, I’m nothing without it!

DANNY: How about this? I’ll go and grab us all a nice breakfast to try and get this day back on track so we can work on that song. Jake, you’re coming with me.

BOP IT: Twist it!

JAKE: (under breath to himself) Aw yeah. [beat] Wait, why me?

DANNY: Sam needs some space to do his detective work.

Danny winks at Sam, who brightens at his suggestion. Detective Kiszka is about to be on the case, and whoo boy, is he gonna sleuth hard.

JAKE: (saluting) Aye aye, captain.

BOP IT: Twist it!

Jake twists the Bop It and the camera zooms in on the center of the toy, zooming back out to reveal that the Bop It is still in Jake’s hands as he sits in the backseat of Danny’s car while Danny drives.

JAKE: I think I’m gonna beat my high score of 12.

Jake continues playing. Please take note that, for the rest of the script (until noted) Jake will be playing the Bop It with the sound in the background of all conversations.

DANNY: Trust me, I think you’re far past that.

JAKE: Boy, I hope so.

DANNY: I hate to ask this, but could you navigate for me? I would, but my GPS is broken and I don’t know how to get out of the woods to the grocery store.

JAKE: Hmm? Oh yeah, for sure.

DANNY: I was thinking of grabbing some Pop Tarts to lift Josh’s mood.

Jake completes a really challenging pattern on the Bop It.

JAKE: Yes!

DANNY: I’m glad you agree. So should I turn up here?

Jake once again revels in his success with the Bop It. He’s really on a roll now.

JAKE: YES!

DANNY: I love the enthusiasm.

Danny turns the steering wheel and an overhead shot shows Danny’s car driving down a long and rural dirt road. That shot matches a painting of a similar landscape hanging on the wall of the cabin’s living room, where Sam and Josh are sitting. Sam is still equipped with his detective gear while Josh sits with an oversized fuzzy blanket wrapped around him.

SAM: I’m going to ask you a few questions. You may find some to be a tad bit invasive, but I ask that you answer them with as much detail and transparency as you can afford.

JOSH: (sniffling) I’ll try my best, Detective.

SAM: First, do you believe dreams can serve as portals to other dimensions?

JOSH: Uh, what does that have to do with my notebook?

SAM: Nothing, it’s just something that’s been troubling me lately. When I woke up this morning, I was soaked wet.

JOSH: Maybe Rosie isn’t the only one who pisses buckets?

Sam chooses to ignore Josh’s comment.

SAM: Anyways, when was the last time you saw your notebook? Give me the exact time: this is crucial so I can study the moon charts to get more clues.

JOSH: I would say 10:48.

Sam writes this note down on his hand, below his note about Josh’s appointment time, which is already smudged.

SAM: Why, might you presume, would someone be motivated to take your notebook?

JOSH: I have some pretty cool drawings in there, I guess. My shading has gotten really good in the past year.

SAM: Yeah, it has. Now, sir, is there anyone who you might suspect would go out of their way to cause you harm, such as stealing your own personal possessions?

JOSH: Well, Jake can be mean sometimes.

SAM: Has he shown any signs of hostility towards you recently?

Josh has a flashback of Jake sucking down a Capri Sun the day before, blowing it back up through the straw, and putting the pouch on the floor in front of his raised foot. Josh screams at him in terror that he has to Respect the Pouch™, but Jake gives him a devious grin and slams his foot down, creating a deafening popping sound. Josh shrieks and flails for cover, only peeking from behind the couch when he thinks the coast is clear. Jake is unscathed, laughing hard at Josh.

JOSH: Not more than usual.

SAM: Is there anyone else you can think of?

JOSH: Not really. I’m a pretty likable person. I’ve been told that I have the personality of a cult leader.

Sam nods. Josh has a point.

SAM: Well, that should do it for my questioning. I’ll start to investigate the perimeter while my highly intellectual brain fits the pieces of this puzzle together.

JOSH: Huh, that was fast.

Sam leaves Josh to head outside so his investigation can commence. As Sam opens and shuts the front door, Danny does the same with his car, out in the middle of literally nowhere.

DANNY: (on the brink of panicking, calling back to Jake, who is still in the backseat) I thought you were gonna give me directions?

Jake is still fully engaged in the Bop It.

JAKE: Huh?

DANNY: Directions, Jake! Directions! You told me yes when I asked you if I should turn, and now we’re out in the middle of nowhere!

BOP IT: Pull it!

Jake pulls the Bop It.

JAKE: Yes.

Danny pulls out his phone to try and call Sam, but then squints down at the screen. He has no service. He groans and gets back in the car and tries to start the engine, but it stalls and then pitters out.

DANNY: Oh my god. This is bad, this is really, really bad. Jake, do you have your phone on you?

JAKE: Nope. Left it at the cabin.

BOP IT: Twist it!

Danny clutches at his head in despair and jumps out from the front seat, taking a lap around his car, looking at the area surrounding them. It’s a lot of trees, and not a whole lot of grocery stores.

DANNY: We can’t be that far away from the cabin. We’ve only been driving for (checks his watch and then pales) thirty minutes.

JAKE: Maybe Fergus can tell us what we need to do.

BOP IT: Bop it!

JAKE: You gotta bop it.

DANNY: I literally have no clue what that means.

JAKE: Just, you know, bop it.

Danny falls back on his butt in the dirt and looks up at the tree tops and the blue sky ahead in disbelief. Things aren’t looking great as far as their survival is concerned. Danny throws his back on the ground with a loud thud. In a matching shot, Sam’s bare feet thump over the dirt in the front yard of their rented cabin. Sam is scanning obscure things like wild mushrooms and snails with his magnifying glass, as if that is going to get him closer to solving the mystery of the missing notebook. Behind him, Josh sits on the steps, wearing oversized sunglasses to hide his tears while theatrically blowing his nose. Sam plods back to Josh’s side.

SAM: We’ve got a suspect.

JOSH: By all means, tell me the criminal’s name so I can smack ‘im up Philly style.

SAM: I don’t know how you know what “Philly style” means, but it’s in my code of conduct that my clients can’t smack up anyone until the case is closed. You’d be surprised how many innocent people get whapped upside the head with no just cause.

Josh nods, like he follows Sam (he doesn’t).

SAM: (continued) My speculation may surprise you, but I promise it has merit. (long pause) I believe Bigfoot may have taken your notebook.

Sam pulls out his phone to play a sound byte of dramatic music.

JOSH: (standing to his feet to head back inside) That’s crazy talk.

SAM: No, no, come down here, you have to see this.

With interest, Josh comes down the steps to join Sam’s side. Sam is proudly “smoking” his pipe by blowing into it, making the oregano he packed inside shoot everywhere, and nods his head down at the ground next to him. Josh studies two relatively large sized footprints. His eyes then track to Sam’s bare feet.

JOSH: Detective Kiszka, I don’t know how to phrase this in a way that won’t come off as offensive to you, but I believe those footprints belong to your own dogs.

Sam removes the pipe from his mouth in shock and squats down to rub the dirt from the footprints beneath his fingers, taking a quick taste. Josh looks disgusted.

SAM: Hmm. So it is. Great detective work. Well, we can put Bigfoot on the back burner then. But I still think there’s more here than meets the eye. The pieces just aren’t fitting together.

JOSH: (to himself) You’re telling me.

SAM: I need to get a visual on this case. Inside!

Sam runs inside the cabin with Josh trudging behind him. The camera travels back outside the cabin, zooming across treetops until it finds Danny and Jake. Jake is still playing with the Bop It, now sitting up in a tree, while Danny films himself as he squats by a pile of sticks next to his car.

DANNY: Hour 1 in desolation wilderness: no service, the car is broken, and we’re hopelessly lost. This video is for A24 to make an experimental documentary about my life, starring Alex Wolff. If anyone finds this, please tell my family that I love them. Now, one of the things that I learned as a cub scout is, in order to survive, you need a massive bonfire to scare away predators.

Danny grabs two decent-sized sticks and starts rubbing them together. Out of habit, the rubbing eventually morphs into him air drumming with the sticks. It takes Danny a while to realize what he's been doing, but when he does, he scolds himself and then tries to rub them together again. Faster this time around he starts air drumming again. He throws the sticks over his shoulder in frustration.

DANNY: Maybe I’d be better off foraging some food for Jake and I.

Danny grabs his camera from the ground and holds it at an angle under his chin as he takes a few steps into the woods, away from the car.

JAKE: (calling from his tree) Hey! Where are you going?

DANNY: To get food!

JAKE: Can you get me a pickle?

DANNY: (to the camera) I’m ignoring that.

Danny films himself looking through various plants in the area, including some stuff that looks poisonous, and stops, staring at something off screen in confusion. He silently flips the camera around and zooms in on a pickle in mint condition that’s chilling on the ground. Danny cautiously grabs the pickle, wipes it off on his pants, and approaches the base of Jake’s tree.

DANNY: Here, catch!

Jake isn’t seen on screen but, in between the sounds of the Bop It, he catches the pickle.

JAKE: Comin in clutch, Swaggy Waggy!

Danny returns to addressing the camera.

DANNY: Morale is high, the sun will be out for a while longer, I’m optimistic that we can make it through this tribulation.

BOP IT: Bop it!

Danny turns off the video on his camera. The scene jumps to the cabin, where Sam is holding Jake’s phone with a shattered screen in his hand, searching for a photo of Danny on Google. He selects the first image suggested, zooms in close on Danny’s face, and then proceeds to stick Jake’s phone to the cabin wall with some heavy duty duct tape. Josh stands just behind Sam, studying his evidence board. Alongside the phone, there is a copy of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End nailed to the wall, poorly drawn photos of Josh and Bigfoot, and “Bookie Wookie” written on a post-it note. For some reason, there is also a banana nailed to the wall. Sam holds up George Harrison’s All Things Must Pass album and is about to add it to the board.

JOSH: Don’t tell me you’re actually gonna nail Jake’s album to the wall.

SAM: It’s supposed to be me.

Sam ignores Josh’s protest and proceeds to pound a nail through the album cover with a hammer while Josh watches in horror. Sam has been chewing an impressive glob of gum while he works, and takes a break to remove it from his mouth, pulling it out in a disgustingly long string.

SAM: So you and I both have alibis because the notebook belongs to you, and I’m helping you find it.

Sam makes a show of putting “X’s” over George Harrison and Josh’s faces with the gum. Josh watches his younger brother with judgment stretched across his face.

SAM: Which leaves Jake and Danny as potential suspects. I’ll have to interrogate them when they’re back.

JOSH: You know, they’ve been gone for a while.

SAM: (ignoring Josh) If I had to speculate, I would say Jake may have taken it as a prank. Danny is harder to read, though. I’m not sure what his motive would be. That guy is hard to read. I’m keeping Bigfoot here as well because my tummy told me to.

Sam creates lines between Danny, Jake, Bigfoot, and the notebook.

JOSH: What’s up with the banana?

SAM: Oh, that’s if I get hungry later.

JOSH: Oh.

SAM: I wish there was more evidence I could work with. This case is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be.

Sam wipes his face.

SAM: I must retreat to my study to ponder this in more detail. You’ll have to excuse me.

Sam hurries out of the living room to his bedroom. Josh watches him go, and then throws himself onto one of the living room chairs with a deep sigh. It’s obvious the absence of his beloved notebook is really starting to wear on him. With a match cut, Danny is also sighing loud, filming another video of himself.

DANNY: 1 hour and 7 minutes in desolation wilderness. Our chances of survival are growing slimmer by the second.

Jump cut to Jake chilling up in his tree with a bunch of squirrels and birds invested in his game as he continues playing with the Bop It at an impressive speed. He’s happily crunching on his pickle.

DANNY: (continued) There is no sign of life, no saving grace for me or my friend. I can feel the delusions kicking in. I thought I saw Pitbull a few minutes ago. (Danny turns around briefly to call off into the distance) Dale? (Facing the camera again) I also think that I might have a rash.

Danny shows off his arm to the camera. The guy most definitely got caught in some poison ivy during his foraging.

DANNY: (continued) Outside of Jake’s pickle, I’ve only found twigs and worms to eat. The worms are edible as long as you gaslight yourself into thinking you’re eating cold spaghetti. It would probably be better with a dash of salt and pepper, but I’m working with what I’ve got. Though I have to admit, if we’re stuck out here much longer, I might have to make the choice between facing my own mortality and eating Jake. I’m not sure which decision I’ll make, but I’m not gonna deny that Jake looks pretty tasty right now.

The Bop It is still heard loud and clear in the background. It’s going so fast at this point that Jake is moving like lightning. It’s like he’s predicting each command before it comes from Fergus. Danny looks up at Jake and shakes his head, turning the video off. Jake is entirely in the zone, but then Fergus’ voice starts to get slower and deeper. Jake frowns down at the toy.

JAKE: Fergus? Are you drunk?

BOP IT: (in a demonic growl) Pullllll itttttttt…twistttt ittttttttt…..booopppppppppppppppp itttttttttttttttttt.

The Bop It dies.

JAKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FERGUS!

Jake jumps down from the tree and sinks to his knees, cradling the Bop It in his arms.

JAKE: Say something to me, anything!

The Bop It is still dead.

DANNY: I think the batteries drained, dude.

JAKE: We have to go to the store.

DANNY: Yeah, I want to go there too, trust me, but, uh, that’s not really possible right now.

Jake snaps his head up to study Danny. It’s as if he finally realizes where they are. Jake looks closer at Danny, covered in rashes, his hair matted, and his clothes in tatters. Jake cocks his head to the side. He obviously hasn’t been paying attention for the past 1 hour and 9 minutes.

DANNY: (continued) We’re lost, the car isn’t turning on, and I have no service.

JAKE: I’ll get us out of here.

DANNY: I’ve tried. I don’t think you’re gonna pull it off.

Jake is already in the front seat of Danny’s car, messing with the controls. Within 15 seconds, the car is back on and running.

DANNY: (under breath) What the?

JAKE: (popping his head out of the window) You turned off the car while it was still in drive! You just have to put it in park and then it won’t stall.

DANNY: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Jake leans on the horn a couple of times, and Danny takes his cue, getting into the passenger seat. Jake hands Danny his Bop It like it’s a newborn child.

JAKE: Can you please take care of this for me?

DANNY: Yeah, sure.

JAKE: Alright, grocery store, here we come!

DANNY: How do you know where you’re going?

JAKE: The birds are gonna help us.

DANNY: The birds?

Jake whistles and a flock of robins swarm the car, chirping warmly at Jake. Jake motions for them to go, and they lead the way. With a squeal of the tires, Jake powers after them. The car passes across the screen, acting as a wipe transition so the camera is now in Sam’s “study”. He paces back and forth at the foot of his bed, tapping his chin with the handle of his magnifying glass.

SAM: The notebook couldn’t have moved on its own because it is an inanimate object. It is not physically possible for notebooks to grow legs and move, or to creep like a snake or a worm. It had to be moved by the hand of a perpetrator. Their intent had to be sinister. The notebook could be hiding somewhere within this cabin, taken somewhere off the premises, or it could be destroyed. No viable fingerprints or footprints have been recovered. Not a single clue has led me in the right direction. It was on a table, and now it isn’t. Maybe it went where all my socks go when I put them in the dryer.

Sam looks like he could believe this explanation, but then his eyes track to the balcony connected to his room. Sam suddenly has a deep frown on his face.

SAM: Oh no.

Sam has a quick flashback to the night before, when he was sleepwalking on the balcony, dressed in scuba gear. In his left hand he clutches Josh’s notebook and a pen.

SAM: (back in reality) Oh god!

Sam rushes onto the balcony and grabs the discarded notebook, which is flopped partially open on the wooden boards. Sam flips through some of the pages and lets out a gasp. His messy handwriting is sprawled over a lot of Josh’s sketches and lyrics. Sam squints closer at what he wrote on one of the pages.

SAM: (reading aloud) 18 August 1682: The curs'd Kraken may destroyeth mine own ship, but that gent shall nev'r destroye mine own will to pow'r f'rward. Yond tenticl'd beast shall one day crumble in mine own grasp.

JOSH: (outside Sam’s closed door) Everything okay in there, Detective?

Sam slams the notebook shut in fear.

SAM: Oh no. I need to hide this thing. (Calling to Josh) Peachy, my good sir!

Sam looks back down at the notebook in terror. A similar look of terror is plastered on Danny’s face as he sits in the passenger seat of his car, grasping onto the grab handle. The birds are still guiding the car, and Jake speeds through the wooded area, just barely dodging boulders and trees. Danny lets out a shrill shriek as Jake comes flying out of nowhere onto a country road, nearly t-boning a passing car in the process. He skids over into oncoming traffic and then veers the car back in the right lane, speeding up significantly so the engine dangerously revs. An instrumental version of Safari Song blares through the radio.

DANNY: (calling over the music) You wanna slow down a bit?

Jake ignores Danny and steps on the gas pedal, sending them flying down the road at an even faster speed. They shoot past a cop who aims a radar gun at Danny’s car. The cop looks down at the speed and whistles.

COP: There’s no way I’m catching that guy.

Jake’s driving would cause a driving instructor to have a mental breakdown. He speeds up at turns, cuts people off left and right, and passes cars using the shoulder of the road. At one point he starts doing donuts in the middle of the highway, just for the hell of it. In spite of all his shenanigans, he looks through the windshield with a look of determination. The guy needs his batteries.

JAKE: (conversationally) Do you think the game saved before Fergus died?

Jake is driving in between lanes now, somehow squeaking between two semi-trucks. Danny lets out a squeak, but offers a shrug.

JAKE: (continued) I think I would fall into a bottomless pit of despair if it didn’t save.

Jake looks back at the road ahead of him and speeds forward, breaking out of the confines of the two massive trucks. Danny lets out a sigh of relief which almost immediately becomes hitched in his throat again when Jake cuts across 5 lanes of traffic and takes out a sign, exiting the highway.

JAKE: I nearly missed my exit!

DANNY: (choking on his words) Thank god you didn’t.

JAKE: You know, Josh and Sam are always telling me I should hand my driver’s license back to the DMV, but I don’t know what they’re talking about. I’m a safe driver.

Within that span of dialogue, Jake has run through 3 stoplights, driven on a sidewalk (nearly hitting an elderly woman), and taken out a mailbox.

DANNY: Oh yeah, you definitely are.

On the downlow, Danny pulls back out his phone and starts filming another survival diary.

DANNY: (to his phone) I may not make it out of this car alive. If anyone finds this footage, please tell Taylor Swift I think she’s great. And, if Jake manages to walk away from this one alive, never let him get behind the steering wheel again. Ever.

JAKE: (looking directly at Danny and not the road, where he has run another stoplight and caused a massive pile up.) Who are you talking to? Josh and Sam?

DANNY: My beneficiaries.

JAKE: Fun!

Jake hits a fire hydrant which immediately starts shooting out a geyser of water.

JAKE: I think we’ll park here.

Danny sits in stunned silence with the airbag deployed in his face but, without a word, he untangles himself from his seatbelt and gets out of the car alongside Jake. They start to walk towards the grocery store across the street. In the background a firetruck and a few cop cars arrive at the scene of Jake’s accident in a rush. The firemen and cops are standing around in confusion, scratching their heads at the abandoned car.

JAKE: (pumping his fist in the air) Let’s find my batteries!

JOSH: (calling through the door to Sam) Did you find my notebook?

Sam panics and shoves Josh’s notebook down the front of his shirt and opens his door to face Josh.

SAM: No, of course not! Why would I find it in my study? That's ridiculous!

Josh eyes the notebook-shaped bulge around Sam’s stomach and then squints at him.

JOSH: Okay…what’s the plan now, Detective?

SAM: We, uh, get you a complimentary drink first to drown your sorrows! Why don’t you start to fix yourself something nice, and I’ll be there in a second. I, uh, have to scratch my butt really fast.

JOSH: TMI, dude.

Josh leaves Sam alone and heads for the kitchen. Sam breathes out a sigh of relief and removes the notebook from under his shirt. He scans around the living room and decides to place it back on the table, where Josh said he had last left it. Suddenly, Josh jumps back into the room, pointing at Sam, who has been caught in the act.

JOSH: AHA!!!

SAM: (voice cracking) Josh?! It’s not what you think!

Josh breaks the glass bottle he was holding to pour himself some lemonade and rushes to Sam, holding the broken bottle up towards his neck.

JOSH: (growling) You wanna tell me what’s going on here, Sammy boy?

SAM: I really don’t.

Josh moves the bottle closer to Sam.

SAM: No, no, no, I’m allergic to lemons.

JOSH: You’re literally not.

SAM: Please! I have a wife and children! They’re dependents on my healthcare plan; how will they get their annual physicals if I’m gone?

As Sam is blubbering nonsense, Jake and Danny enter back into the cabin, Danny with a bunch of Pop Tarts boxes, and Jake back to playing his Bop It. Based on the speed the game is at, it appears that it actually did save where he was at before it died. Danny drops the Pop Tarts when he sees Josh holding a broken bottle up to a crying Sam.

DANNY: Hey! What’s going on?

Josh lowers the bottle in shock when he sees Danny. Danny looks as if he made it to the final round of Survivor. His face and arms are covered in dirt, stray leaves, twigs, and rashes. His shirt and shorts are in tatters. One of his shoes is gone, and his hair looks like he got electrocuted. In comparison, Jake looks unscathed.

JOSH: I should be asking you the same thing, Danny. Did you take a wrong turn and fall off the side of a mountain on your way to the store?

DANNY: (grumbling) Something like that.

Sam takes Josh’s distraction as an opportunity to plant the notebook back on the table, out of his hands. Although he still seems shaken up, he tries to get back into his Detective character.

SAM: By George! It’s a miracle! The notebook is exactly where you left it last night at 10:48! The mystery is solved! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go somewhere very, very far away from here to, uh, register Rosie to vote.

JAKE: You can’t go, Sam, we got Bop Tarts. Oops. Pop Tarts.

BOP IT: Bop it!

JOSH: Not so fast, Samuel.

Josh picks up the notebook and flips through the pages. His face falls. Sam winces, bracing himself for the worst. Josh is still holding the broken bottle in his hand, and Sam has a bad feeling he knows how to use it.

JOSH: (reading one of Sam’s added entries) 21 August 1682: The Kraken consumed mine own first mateth in one biteth. The screams w're deafening and I feareth I shall nev'r catch but a wink a soundeth night again. I holidam to avenge mine own mateth, Jeffrey, if 't be true t's the lasteth thing I doth. (taking a break from reading) When did you learn to write like this?

SAM: It was Bigfoot, not me. The dude is a wordsmith.

JOSH: Right, right, so you’re telling me that Bigfoot, who is definitely real, broke in here without leaving a trace, took my notebook, wrote a bunch of random stuff about the Kraken, and then returned the notebook afterwards?

SAM: Yes?

Josh sighs and takes a seat back on the sofa, dropping the broken bottle onto the cushion next to him so he can flip through more pages. The camera follows him doing this, and it’s evident that Sam filled out every single page in his sleep the night before.

JOSH: I wish you had just been honest with me, Sammy. I was really worried about my notebook, I thought I would never see it again. My heart was all twisted up in knots.

BOP IT: Twist it!

JOSH: It was pulling me apart.

BOP IT: Pull it!

JOSH: This notebook is my one way to brainstorm what I share to the masses, to the teenyboppers out there who adore us!

BOP IT: Bop it!

Danny grabs the Bop It out of Jake’s hands, stomps to the front door, and chucks the toy.

BOP IT: (Voice growing fainter as it flies away) Awwwww man! Final score: 284,923.

JAKE: Are you kidding me? I was gonna break my record!

SAM: (eyeing the George Harrison album nailed to the wall behind Jake) I already did that.

DANNY: Your high streak was 12, Jake! You definitely broke it!

Jake looks disappointed, but he shrugs. Then he notices Sam looking at the evidence board and gapes.

JAKE: My George Harrison record!!

Josh finishes looking through his notebook, grabs a box of Pop Tarts from the ground at Danny’s feet, retreats back to his room, and comes back out with a second notebook, which looks identical to the original one. Sam stares at it blankly. Josh uncaps a pen and fixes himself an Apple and Cinnamon PopTart. Josh takes a big bite out of it.

JOSH: (with his mouth full) Now that I finally know where my notebook is and have some brain food, I can get back to work.

Josh starts drawing sketches in his new notebook as Waited All Your Life starts playing. As the song enters into the first verse, Josh is transported into a music video world where he frolics through fields with his notebook, they ride a tandem bicycle, share a Capri Sun, and watch a beautiful sunset at the ocean. As the song fades out, Josh is back in the living room, holding up a completed sketch of a jumpsuit. It has an anchor on it and the sleeves and legs are wrapped in tentacles. Josh has just designed a beautiful tribute to the Kraken.

JOSH: What do you guys think?

Josh holds his notebook up to Sam and Danny, who are feasting on Pop Tarts as well. Sam has taken off his detective gear, and Danny managed to get a quick shower in to clean the grime off. His skin is now covered in cream to help with his rashes.

DANNY: That’s actually pretty neat.

SAM: So you’re not mad at me anymore?

JOSH: No, I’m still pissed.

Although it’s cheesy, Sam, Josh, and Danny all hug one another. In the background, Jake receives an award from the Guiness Book of World Records for his Bop It score. None of his bandmates notice this happening. Jake shakes hands with a man in a suit and receives a certificate, getting his picture taken. Jake looks happier than he ever has.

END OF EPISODE.

(if you read this whole thing, I love you)

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