#being scum equals having thoughts i cannot control & mainly keep to myself btw . Except

[aph-estonia]

in a weird fucked up state rn where i just lost 6-7 friends in the span of a week tops and i can't get myself to do anything about it. i can't get better. i tried and i gave up and i've become more okay with being scum and now trying to go back to being better is like the hardest thing i've ever felt in my life

#being vague about this on purpose btw 😇😇😇😇 #the number is vague because one of the girls i lost contact with had a lot of online friends i was also online friends with and #they're probably shitting on me in their priv server....... ahahahhhhhh................ #so like the actual numbers are like 2 irls and 5-6 of one of our mutual online friends #...... Man ........... #.txt #being scum equals having thoughts i cannot control & mainly keep to myself btw . Except #I Drank A Lot And Blacked Out And Sent A Lot Of People Very Insane Deranged Messages And Now They Won't Talk To Me #so i've banned myself from drinking until i go back to being so lightweight i get blasted off 1 single cooler can (not blacking out tho) #cuz i don't remember sending them & i saw them freak out so i unsended them b4 listening back 2 them #so i am literally fucking clueless i have very very few clues #now i would also like to ban those thoughts from being had in my head. But i cannot . because the brain Does Not Work Like That #so i'm very very stuck #literally just got over not hating myself 4 something i can't control now i'm back balls deep into sheer hatred #this state of mind reminds me of when i was with my ex LMAO ok anyways back to spamming my your our timeline #i do believe i deserve this btw i am very very much in the wrong for the things i got up to when i blacked out. Do not pity me