#because when you start insisiting on even the most basic of respect (and boundaries) from others when you havent before people dont like it

[kittykatinabag]

I think a lot of my anger at society is just a projection of my anger at the people throughout my life who never cared as much about me as I cared about them and who never noticed how much more support I needed than I ever indicated because I didn't know how to ask for it. All I knew, and still know, is that other people were getting something that wasn't being given to me on a regular basis because of opaque reasons like 'oh it's Kristen she's always on top of her shit/strong/smart, she can figure it out, she always has' or 'but you never asked for this specific type of help/support' even though I never was given the language to describe what I needed.

And I hate how this realization is making me realize that I still don't know what a passion or internal motivation is and that whatever I've been doing for the past year has not been any type of passion or motivation, it's primarily anger and hurt and desperation for any sliver of hope that I'm wrong about my current worldview. And sure parts here have shown me that parts of my worldview have been flawed and I'm very grateful for that, but the flip side is that those parts are over painted by other parts that have so dramatically reinforced this point of view that I logically know is not true.

#late night ramblings #i know ill feel a bit better in the morning but these late night thoughts do have many kernals of truth to them #its also frustrating when you know the solutions to a lot of your problems #but the solutions are money time and dealing with other people #other people who have their own lives and stuff and cant cater to you exactly when you need them to #also the fact that a lot of people arent actually open to having that sort of connection without copious amounts of time sunk into it #or maybe its all just my ego doing ego things again #but then theres the question of is it egotistical to get angry and/or sad that your needs arent being met and you want better for yourself? #because when you start insisiting on even the most basic of respect (and boundaries) from others when you havent before people dont like it #well at least thats what my family does in response. which is probably a bad standard because my family dynamics are complicated #complicated in that they say one thing than do a completely different action and fail to even recongize it as different #its not all malicious but it sure does confuse my mind that can barely keep up with normal socialization much less that type of behavior