#because weve been working on it for over a month and the class itself becomes how to do this project

[thegaythespian]

I'm only halfway done with my essay but I'm so done with it already I hate it this is hell but it needs to be good so I can boost my grade a bit hopefully and maintain a high gpa on the off chance that I decide to go to a graduate program and it also wouldn't be that much of a hit if my classes from last year counted but they don't because I transferred and schools are stupid and don't use classes from other institutions for gpa so now I want to tear down the entire US higher education system because I can't fucking write this essay

#also why should ONE essay be 28% of my final grade????? #I didn't do well enough on the last one (the midterm which was also 28% of my final grade) for my liking #and now I need to worry about my gpa because of one stupid 100 level course??? #at least in other classes there's a build up like my final essay being 25% of my grade makes sense #because weve been working on it for over a month and the class itself becomes how to do this project #but for this 100 level course there is no build up there's no in class support or anything #he's telling us to do stuff but the class hasn't been how to do stuff!! it's been sitting in class and doing readings and writing about tha #i just hate this so much it's the last thing i need to do im getting over a cold i couldnt work on it over the weekend bc i was sick #and now it's due tomorrow night and I need to double the word count while also somehow making it good. augh #it's fine ill do it ill get over it i just hate this so mcuh #thespian ramblings

[jumbling--towers-blog]

Do you ever want to die, just out of spite? Because someone pissed you off or treated you in some ridiculous way? It would be easier. No schoolwork. No stress. No relationship worries; what can I do what can’t I do, who can I talk to, who can’t I talk to, how do I do this, where do I put that? Lately ive been tired. Just so, so tired. And my parents think that the easy explanation is “the phone will be out in the kitchen tonight.” And for some reason they don’t understand that that isn’t going to help me? Most times I love how I can become completely lost in my phone, how I can do anything at all with it and that in itself could transport me to a mentally completely different world. But yeah nah. My reasons for being so tired could be answered with more sleep but how can we sleep when our minds are going at 100mph? exam block starts on Thursday and my first exam is maths. Its maths A so that’s fairly simple right? In a way it is but its still maths, its still education. It involves learning and at the moment that’s just too much right now. Over the next two weeks, starting next Thursday I have exam block. 5 days and 5 exams. I assignment. Monday: English Persuasive Speech, Due and Presented, Thursday: Maths, Friday: Modern, Monday: Study of Religion (OP RE), Tuesday: Legal Studies, Wednesday: Biology. I believe that that is too much. I am stressed. Recently I went to a skin care solution place, for my face. My acne isn’t extremely bad it just wasn’t going away and my mother wanted to find out why. The first session we went to the lady told me that I was cleaning my face too much, that I needed to drink more water and basically I was extremely dehydrated in my face. She gave me serum and told me to moisturise regularly, make sure I was wearing sunscreen at school as well as avoiding the sun and to use hot water on my face after school. That was fairly simple, it made me feel happy that I was making a change and actually doing something that will change my face. One week later I went back to the specialists to get a microdermabrasion *I had a phone break soz* anyway. So basically a microdermabrasion is when they use this vacuum type thing on my face to scrape off all of the dead skin. I mean, that’s wonderful I was really happy to get it done, I had beliefs that I was going to walk out of the joint and be able to see my boyfriend that night with an amazingly smooth and unblemished face. It cost $200. And that wasn’t the outcome. For starters is hurt, not a lot though. And after she was done it burnt to put moisturiser on, or any cream or serum. Just anything on my face pained me and that means touching as well. The lady assured me that this was just because the skin was brand new, that I shouldn’t be worried redness and tightness just happened. She said that there could be some bruising but that was just the red blood cells replacing the old yucky ones. Terrific. I walked out and was informed of what to put on my face, received new cleaning and moisturising gells (another $30) and was assured that my face would be looking great after 2 days, nothing a little make up couldn’t hide until then, right? I was wrong. End of story though because this is actually such a waste of time. I should be studying actually. But yeah, my cheekbones, chin and just to my eyebrows got really dry, I had really bad scabbing and brusing along my cheeks and that didn’t go away for 4 days. I had to walk around school with massive scabs on my cheeks and endure stares and questions. I started making up stories tho, as to why my face was like this.and you may think ‘why didn’t you just put make-up on it? Duh!’ well I did on Monday and the Saturday after I got it done but sadly I wasn’t able to cover these massive, dark marks. It sucked. Then when it came off (day 5/day6) my pimples were there, only red and itchy. It was so depressing. It still Is and today is day 6. To have my mum spend $200 on me for something that didn’t even work!? I feel cheated and lied to, I feel so sorry for my mum and I wish I just had have told her no. told her that I didn’t want to fix it.

   My boyfriend didn’t say much about it. Weve been dating for 2 months now and everything just feels so rushed. It feels like we’re always together though when you think about it we rarely are. At lunch time we sit and walk around together then go to each others lockers and I eventually walk to class by myself because that’s just how it works out. After school he comes and waits for me at the bus stop and gives me a hug goodbye. Then on the bus I wait for him to text me, always wanting to text him but hating it because it feels like im so connected to him. Its clinginess but its like isolation and I don’t know why. Ill sit on the bus and talk to my friends, my best friend and I catch the same bus so shes always great to talk to but this all makes no sense. Why would I feel that I don’t want to be around him but everytime I am around him I feel so calm and happy? I want to text him and don’t truly feel calm until I am ? but that’s so strange. Ive never been like that. The bf thinks that this is just my mark in every relationship where I question it. And I have been like ive been worried that spending time away from me is going to be happier than I am when im with him. And that kind of happened today, I spent the lunch with her and then he came over towards the end and we all sat together and it wasn’t too bad other than the fact that they didn’t really talk and it was kinda like being between two convos until I tried to connect them. But when I was walking to my locker with him I didn’t feel that I wanted space, I was happy. Second lunch wasn’t too good. I was happy with him being beside me but I had a friend on the other side and for some reason I might have just preferred it to be me and her? Idk maybe im just feeling too much all at once. I go overseas for 3 weeks on the 30th so maybe that will be the real turning point in our relationship. I asked him about having space and he just didn’t give much of an answer, he said that he might lose feelings from not being around me as smuch. I don’t know how to feel about that. But im not going to change my mind on this for fear of breaking up. If it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be.

 Well yeah so that’s it. Thanks for reading if you’re really in the mood.