#because i've heard it before and you're wrong. i'm unlearning that shit and i'm not dumb. i'm smart as hell actually

[last-flight-of-fancy]

made myself emotional thinking about how smart sora actually is and how little credit he gets for it just because he struggles with stuff like math

#ITS RELATABLE OK #you can't math and everyone immidietly goes 'lol ur dumb' #'haha he counts on his fingers' yeah so do i. you gonna call me dumb too? #because i've heard it before and you're wrong. i'm unlearning that shit and i'm not dumb. i'm smart as hell actually #thirty years of thinking i was stupid i think i've earned the right to say 'nah yknow what. they were wrong. i'm not.' #the prioritizing of mathematical smarts over every other kind drives me nuts tbh #artistic intelligence? emotional intelligence? kinetic learners? there's so much more than just math #sora is SO GOOD at a lot of things!! #he's incredibly intuitive and emotionally intelligent #and he is probably a legit genius in terms of like... learning things on the fly #never gonna get over him learning lingering wills moves after fighting him (presumably) once #he learns to fly the gummiship- and probably would have done fine that first time if donald hadn't taken offence #(it also should be noted that i don't think sora's ever *wrong* in his numbers*. it just takes him a while to get there) #(* except six hearts but uh. there's probably more going on there. like memory loss. again) #stop talking to yourself flight #kingdom hearts #'he can't keep up with the plot' bitch WE as the audience can barely keep up with the plot and we have the benifit of seeing all of it #do remember that sora is running on about a third of the information we have at any given time #anyway sora isn't dumb he just has adhd and that's the hill i'm gonna die on

[rabbithaver]

i am going to fucking scream jesus christ.

i keep having nightmares about leftbook and i swear to god. im going to lose it. these are ridiculous, this is absurd, and the fact that it causes ME anxiety is a goddamn joke. i KNOW that i was an actively shitty person. i KNOW that subconsciously, i was actively trying to hurt people by not knowing shit. i KNOW that i was toxic to my friends and i treated others as disposable — my friends were terrified of messing up around me because they were afraid that i'd turn on them. i don't think i would have, but with the way i treated strangers in leftbook groups, it makes complete sense that they'd believe it

and the worst part was the harm i was doing just by BEING there. i was constantly straying way out of my lane. i used a lot of outdated terminology because i was so far behind everyone else on discourse. i took up space, time, and resources in a community that i had no business being in because being raised in a conservative family meant i was so wildly behind on social justice that i was literally just as shitty as the people on the right. sure i was (and still am) trying to unlearn all of the stuff i grew up with, but by participating in leftist groups before i'd caught up, i was just exposing more people to that kind of toxicity.

truth is, i didn't deserve to be there until i could learn to do better. but instead of stepping away and doing the research and self examination i should have been doing, i was selfish and interjected myself into a community i was hurting. i stole space and time from people who actively experienced oppression their whole lives should have had. they deserved to speak and be heard, not me — someone who basically hadnt experienced bigotry at all in comparison. i turned the few experiences i did have into weapons to try to be like "i experienced hate crimes so my take on this issue is more valid/important/relevant than your entire life."

there's so much more. i was SUCH a shitty person and i think i might still be. i was incredibly manipulative, i tried to take up space i didn't deserve, i centered myself constantly, i participated in dog-piling on others, i was constantly getting into fights, so much more. if someone was sharing their experiences, i would make it all about me by being like "i went through something similar, so i'm going to tell you all about it and what i did because you're clearly too dumb to know how to handle it yourself." i interpreted every single response in an argument in the worst faith possible in an effort to... i don't know... win, maybe? i STILL catch myself doing this — just goes to show that once an abuser, always an abuser ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

and i was always blaming my neurodivergence for being slow on learning about SJ issues. like yeah, okay, i have trouble with reading comprehension because of my ADHD and depression, but using that as an excuse is literally saying, "everyone with ADHD and depression is too dumb to read." i couldn't even apologize and self critique correctly. every fucking time i tried i got it wrong, even when i followed guides and suggestions. sometimes i even convinced myself that i felt remorse, but if that was the case, i wouldn't have found it so difficult to apologize. nothing says "i love hurting people and won't feel bad about it" like failing to apologize 🙃

i spent so much time in the Leftbook community that i will never be able to make up for the amount of trouble i caused. i took up so much space and resources and support from people who had been through worse for longer. i don't even know if the regret i have is real or if i've just managed to manipulate myself into thinking it is. i even had myself convinced that i wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but if that were true, i would never have done even 10% of the shit i did. i was absolutely positive for so long that i "didn't mean to," but nobody does that much harm unless they're TRYING on some level. the only thing that makes sense is that i was subconsciously out to hurt people and a person who does that is, without a doubt, a fucking monster.

and even if it were true, even if i "didn't mean it," intent means less than nothing. subconsciously or not, i was actively harming people. i know i traumatized at least a few with my behavior. those people have to live with that shit FOREVER. what i "meant" to do doesn't matter as long as they have to live with my actions. i had the same negative impact to those people as a far-right extremist would have had. functionally, my actions were identical to the actions of an alt-right monster, and by having THAT in common with that kind of person, i'm no different than they are

i hate this shit. who the fuck has nightmares about being called out publicly on the internet for shit THEY did? what kind of self-obsessed freak with a victim complex has nightmares about being righteously punished for hurting others? it's pathetic and it's proof that i haven't changed at all

#terin.odt #long post #i am so frustrated and filled with rage and self hatred over this #i feel so guilty over it but I dont even know if it's real guilt or if im centering myself i havent changed and i really am that shitty #as much as i bitch sbout Leftbook on here i deserved all of it and more #i participated in such a toxic community and made it worse by being there #i hurt SO many people and i did so much irreparable damage to people i considered friends #i wish i could go back in time and kill myself before i could do anything #it really would have been better if that suicide attempt at age 12 had actually worked out huh. #venting tw #idk how else to tag this im sorry

[birdofathousandfandoms-blog]

So, you watched/read The Hate U Give and now you feel like you've been punched in the guts.

Good. If that book/movie made your white ass uncomfortable, this post is for you. And before anyone comes at me, I am white, and I am specifically calling white people for this (Cause we all need more attention am I right fellas). And, before I go on, I am a white Spaniard that lives in the UK, so I really know jack shit about black people's struggles in the USA, or just black people's struggles, period. Which is just about right, since that's not what I wanna talk about.

So, I watched the movie today, in a cinema that had about 20 white people and 6 black people, that's a family of five, and an elderly lady.

By the time the movie was halfway through, every single white person in the room was either quietly sobbing, or looking like they bit into something they really hated. The room was thick with tension, and several side glances were thrown at the black people, most apologetic, a couple defensive.

Now, the movie was wonderful, obviously, but it was the emotional equivalent of a car just parking on your torso for a bit more than an hour and a half. But this is not about how we feel, and it never has, not when it comes to this. But if it made you feel uneasy, or just plain devastated, you're on the right path.

Now you probably feel the urge to do one of these:

1) Make it very well known that you're not racist. You're not.

You're probably wrong. We all like to think we aren't racist. Being racist is bad. We don't wanna be bad. But the truth is, you probably are. I definitely am. Not like I go around calling people the n word or saying black people should die, mind, a good amount of racist people aren't like that. But I will catch myself tensing up if I walk past a particularly large group of black people or frowning harder at a person being rowdy in the bus if they're POC. I'm working on it, because you do need to work on it. I've been racist for 20 years, and it's hard to unlearn that, but you NEED to.

2) Go cry to the black people in your life because you are white and that's heinous (hint: it's not and if that's the message you took from this you have some serious victim complex).

Please don't do that. You are privileged, yes. You have to acknowledge it, yes. But that shit won't help anyone but you.

I don't know how a black person would react to it, because people are individuals and a similar life experience doesn't mean they have a fucking hive mind, but I know that if a straight person came up to me and did that, I, specifically, would be uncomfortable. And I'd feel obligated to comfort them, to go "Oh nooo, you're fineeeee, it's not your fault, don't worryyyy" and that's just the thing. You're not looking for forgiveness here, you're looking for validation, whether you are aware of it or not.

It is not black people's job to validate you. It is not their job to comfort you.

3) Help. You just watched this movie and it made you feel the need to take your white privilege and use it for good, to make your voice be heard, to take racism by the horns and fucking annihilate it.

Good spirit, same here, but start small.

Better people than me have explained what you should do if you want to be an ally for any oppressed group, so here:

Maybe watch the 13th on Netflix, it seems well researched and a very good educational piece, I haven't watched it yet though so as far as sources go, this one is pretty shit since I don't know much about it. Here's the trailer though!

#the hate u give #discourse #tw racism #tw swearing #allyship #white people #please guys for once in our fucking life lets just be supporting characters #just let black people be important for fuckign once come on