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thatemoredlion-archive · 5 years

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[I am going to apologize again for lack of content lately. I know this isn’t a personal blog by any means, but not only do I feel like I owe an explanation to you all, but honestly my friends on here are currently some of the only people I trust.

Being honest, my mental health has been shit. Not only because my schedule bounces between days and graves so I get no solid sleep schedule. Not only because my dad’s traumatizing death has triggered severe PTSD (fortunately the carpet in the bedroom got entirely replaced today so there’s no longer a huge chunk of carpet missing where he died). But unfortunately my exes are causing a lot of unnecessary drama and stress in a time where I am truly raw and don’t need it.

What’s sad is my ex-girlfriend was highly involved in the passing of my father. She wanted to be there to support me, and now to due a heinous lie, she wants nothing to do with me. Normally, I wouldn’t care. Exes don’t always get along. But this lie is so far from the truth that it’s driving me mental, and I’m convinced the only reason it’s happening is because my ex-boyfriend was pissed I cut him out entirely while I kept her around, and he wanted to eliminate any risk of her leaving him for me.

It all started on my ex-girlfriend’s birthday. Being the nice person I am, I reached out. I got a conversation about how “no one is doing anything for her birthday because no one cares.” I told her I would do something for her when I was back in town from Seattle. I asked her about dinner plans she does every year and was told it wasn’t happening because everyone had work. I found out later that it was happening, and called her out for lying. I was first told by her that she didn’t want me to know because I had plans that weekend and she didn’t want me hurt - I was then told it was because I’m a “stalker”, which made no sense - her and I had barely spoken since the funeral (which was almost two months ago). Maybe once every five days, if even. It turns out she claims I was a stalker because I “asked my friends details about her life.” First off - I didn’t. My friends are her friends and would tell me stuff whether I asked or not. Second - I’m the one that broke up with them and I think they tend to forget that. Why would I stalk someone I intentionally left for being abusive and didn’t want to look back??

So, they all go to her birthday dinner. Mind you, my ex told my best friend the night previously that she wanted no drama and not to bring me up. Guess who goes against her own word and brings me up? Turns out my other ex (who she is still dating) starts crying and saying that I pushed him into sexual activities while we were dating. Non-consensual sex? He’s basically calling me a rapist. The irony? Anyone who knows me knows I was disgusted by him. I only dated him because I had strong feelings for our other partner, and her for me. Which sure, makes me shitty, but definitely not a rapist. I wouldn’t even kiss him or tell him I loved him so he didn’t feel led on.

I want to say the irony is that he was always sexual with me. Within a month of us dating he sent me dick pics I never asked for, and continued throughout the course of our relationship. One when all I said was ‘cute’ because I wanted him to know it made me uncomfortable, he threw a fit that I didn’t call him sexy and didn’t want him physically. In fact, one of the last things he said to me after the break up was “I’m glad you told me because I just got a new packer and that would have been awkward.” To me that heavily implies that he would have sent me more pics. I have so many texts where he would tell me about nasty dreams about me or talk about how much he wanted my dick. I would screen cap this to show my girlfriend, who was entirely disgusted by his behavior towards me. Many of my friends have been appalled by how he talked about me or acted towards me. Hell, early on with us dating he sent me photos with a dildo up his ass - a dildo his girlfriend of seven years didn’t even know he owned. He would touch and grope me at cons and at their house around our girlfriend and everyone around me would see my discomfort and that I never reciprocated. My girlfriend heard me make up a thousand excuses (dysphoria, sickness, stomach cramps). I would pick up extra work shifts on days him and I were supposed to hang out so I didn’t have to be alone with him - all my coworkers knew that’s why I was working 70 hour weeks. I spent many hours at work crying because of how pressured I felt by him and how I didn’t want to be around him. When I backed off he started complaining how he missed my kisses, how I didn’t want him, and how he wanted to kill himself for it. My girlfriend told me he was catching on and I had to “pretend to like him so I didn’t lose her.” On nights I had work, I would only sleep on her side of the bed because I didn’t like sleeping by him. My dick move here, but I even told him once I wasn’t physically attracted to him, listed why, and told him that was why I never wanted sex. He sobbed about it to our girlfriend and brought it up to me often. He would take my shirts without me knowing and admitted to jerking off to it. He wanted to get me alone at cons so our characters could have sex. And a final kicker on this list? For my birthday, he made me a coupon book - one was for a quickie and one was a personal favor with a wink face.

Him and I fucked around twice over the span of two years. Oral sex. He told me our girlfriend wasn’t allowed to know - of course I told her. TMI, but the first time he told me I was the “best person he tasted.” The second time he hurt me but I was scared to tell him so I jokingly asked if he was bored and he said “I could do this all day.” That’s why I avoided being home alone with him - I felt pressured. I felt responsible for his life. And the kicker? A week into dating, he pushed my girlfriend and I into a threesome, in which we both admit to being traumatized by.

My ex-girlfriend knows all this and was witness to more than half, yet she believes him. She has been claiming for seven years that he’s abusive, and has wanted to leave him, yet believes him. She saw him send me twenty-five texts begging for me back the day after the break up. She saw him try to be the one to come to my house when my dad died and saw him break down, worried that I hated him. But now he’s claiming that I was abusive, manipulative, and pushed him for sex. And she believes him.

She told my best friend she hopes she never sees me again. She’s telling whoever will listen how horrible I am. This is a girl I wanted to marry. Who I gave everything to. So yeah, my mental health is fucked. I’ve been confused and heartbroken about how she believes this when there is so much evidence against it. My own PTSD keeps flaring up because I have been assaulted four times, so to be accused of something that I know damages lives immensely is appalling. My anxiety is through the roof that they’re going to turn everyone against me. I’m scared to run into them and them do something vindictive.

So yeah, I haven’t been well. I’m a train wreck on top of being a train wreck. I’ve had no muse, no motivation, all I want to do is hide under the blankets and sleep it all away and never wake up until this shitty dream is over. So, that’s my long story. Thanks for listening to me and being good friends that know I’m above all this toxic bullshit.]

#ooc #apologies #explanations #long post

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