#aven im actually so feral i cannot explain im just a bundle of feels right now

[zorkaya-moved]

" it's not about trusting , it's about ... "

and there's a hesitation the way he draws his words , attempts to piece them together so they would make sense as the architect's arms find themselves at home around the waist he has held so many times before , felt up and embraced in moments he'd deem himself useless and weak. tender are the kisses kave places against the top of bright, cold locks, fingers tracing the front of zarina's stomach and heavy is the heart sinking within the chest pressing against her back as kaveh seeks comfort in the closest person he has come to a sanctuary; "... guilt."

for it is about guilt, the kind that festers and allows itself to brew away within a weary heart that wishes nothing but to part with a past lived and completed. it is not with a light heart he tucks away the most broken pieces of his story from zarina, covers up the stains of a ghost whose presence have lingered a little too long for everyone's taste, her name a burden to the son who simply wished to aid and to ensure her pride.

how can he find it in him to speak ill of the one who --- and he sinks further into the locks of his love, arms tightening as they remain within her house, zarina's frame locked within the architect's embrace; "... you say you'd love every part of me, and i believe it, but..."

it's hard for one who has loved hard unconditionally as long as kaveh.

"... how," and there's a tint of genuine disbelief in how he words himself, face seeking the comfort of zarina's neck, wounded as kaveh tends to her body as a shelter, "how can you say that? every promise, every confessiong of your love, i believe them and i believe them with all my heart, yet... there will always be a part of me asking how and why, why do you waste your love on me ? i have nothing to offer you, except my time, my heart, myself; is that really enough for someone as grand as you ?"

could he, truly, ever be enough for anyone?

he had always been too much for faranak.

hollow marron sinks close, the architect breathing into thick hair. "the harder i love, the further people slip away from me; i'm scared that you'll see just what you deserve, what you need, and that i'm not in either category... which, in truth... would be okay, as i've been taught that i don't amount for much, that i don't have the right to claim someone's time, and yet..."

a small breath.

"with you..." a kiss is placed upon her shoulder; "--- with you i find myself yearning to claim all of you, all the time, every day and as much as i want, zarina."

@avaere

Understanding of emotions is essential to her gains, to reaching her goals, and to manipulation of them like puppet strings. However, true understanding and empathy do not require any malicious desires behind them. Tender emotions and genuine understanding of another requires another skillset Sokolova knows herself not to possess to the perfect conditions, it’s not a sharp blade because it mustn’t be a blade - it must be a shield. A shield to protect those who she cares about, loves, and wishes to keep safe. It’s why these discussions almost make her feel desperate in an attempt to figure out, to understand, to support without any malice. Cynicism is on the tip of her tongue, bitterness of the world forever etched into her skin like invisible scars. 

It doesn’t feel good to study him. It doesn’t feel good to try and pick apart each and every thread of his mind. She can, she could have figured out everything on her own with pulling strings and using more underhanded tactics but she didn’t. Out of her love and respect for the architect, she tried countless times to repress said skills and to try and willingly avoid her gaze to give space. After all, analysis of others and her observations will be invasive and she always found pleasure in breaking apart walls others built around themselves to expose their core. Sokolova cannot allow herself to do the same with Kaveh, she couldn’t. It would mean her love and trust in him are not true, but those feelings are true and she did everything to secure the privacy Kaveh deserved. As much as she wished to understand the reason behind his distance, behind his sad smiles, behind his tension, behind his maroon eyes that would gloss over certain topics. 

Like their conversation prior. Her back faced him as she would cross her arms under her chest, tense from sadness over not understanding but also worry. Worry for him, worry for his well-being, worry for his emotional state, worry for what she could not help with and did not know where to offer a gentle touch and where to be stricter. If there was anything she ever wished for as much as her brothers’ happiness and safety, it was Kaveh’s happiness and safety. There are only three people in Teyvat she’d ever - without hesitation - give everything. Well, not like Victor needed anything from her anymore and Aleksey is now growing up to be independent. Those reasons are the biggest driving point for her to prioritize Kaveh and their relationship, slowly stepping away from black markets and cruelty to have more time to bask in the presence of her Sun. 

The Sun that finally shows new colors, opening up about his inner mind works. She hears him and she almost wishes she could look at his face, but Zarina stops herself. This atmosphere feels too fragile, too fleeting and maybe it’s better if she does not look him in the eyes to let him speak. Finally, to let him share and open up.

Guilt. 

The word will forever be memorized by the listener as she immediately relaxes when Kaveh approaches, wrapping his hands around her and brings her closer. It means safety, it means comfort, it means he seeks her out and it puts her at peace. She does not dare to interrupt him, listening attentively to each whisper, each soft confession, each change in his tone. If she cannot see his eyes, his voice will be what she pays sharp attention to. But each word spoken makes her heart clench and it hurts, it hurts like never before. She has never cared about others outside of her family, and Kaveh became one of the most important people to her. Her Sun is capable, is strong, is kind, but also is hiding so much pain within him that makes her wish to keep him protected from the world. But she cannot, the damage has been done already and Sokolova can only listen to understand everything, to hope to understand how to make his future just a bit better, just a bit brighter, just a bit safer. 

Guilt, the poison of mind just like envy and jealousy. Guilt, the corrosion of self-esteem and destroyer of peace. Who has led him to this view of himself? Who has harmed him so deeply that those old wounds continue to bleed and remind him of that disgusting emotion? Guilt is a weapon against one-self, guilt is a weapon and a weapon will always harm. 

It must be hard to speak those words out. Kaveh may not see her expressions, but her eyebrows are furrowed and her lips are pressed together in concern. Her silence may be present but only to let the architect talk without interruptions. It feels too fragile, she doesn’t wish for his sense of safety to speak about his hardships to be broken away. They’ve encouraged each other to feel safe in each other’s company, to feel comfortable, to share. They will learn, with time, how to open up more. But right now, these words from Kaveh are priceless and will never be forgotten. 

The bravery it takes to speak out about such innermost vulnerabilities… 

To show she cares and listens (and encourages him to continue), Sokolova places her hand atop of his as he continues to speak. There is no need to say anything out loud, not yet, not when he is confessing what he has on his heart, the heavy burden that must have never been lifted. He is no Atlas, he must never carry such a heavy load on his shoulders alone, not forever. Preferably, not ever. 

She cannot hold back a soft gasp at the hint of disbelief in his ‘how’. Another question returns: Just how badly was he hurt by someone he cared about in the past? To have so little love for himself when he gives out so much to her, to others, to the world? The world takes it and takes it, but never seems to return it to the architect. Who dared to make him doubt how wonderful, gentle, special and warm he is? All the questions circle in her mind, her hold on his hand tightens just a bit but relaxes immediately. His mind will continue to tell him he doesn’t deserve this, she deducts and closes her eyes, hiding away the pained gleam in them. Pained for him, for his broken pieces he finally shows and she finds herself only loving him more instead. 

He does not see himself worthy of happiness. He does not believe he deserves the comfort, safety and love he has now. That’s how his words sound and someone has made him believe in all of that. A human heart is known to her, she knows what strings to pull to make it come undone or break it into billions of pieces. Someone has done this to him and it seems that person remains alive and well. They live as he suffers, but the golden eyes - upon their opening - have a gleam of sharpness to them, a desire to find and hunt down the one who has casted such doubts upon him. She is aware, by now, who that person might be but what matters now is the current, the present. The one who keeps her close, hugging her and seemingly finding solace in her presence. 

Her soul responds to his words, to the broken images her mind creates in order to make the full picture. How lonely he must’ve been. How hurt he must’ve been. How denied he must’ve been to feel this way when he holds her close, when she tells him he’s all she needs, when they smile at each other and spend night or day together. Is this what love can bring? An emotion so strong that brings more others to itself, she’s never felt so strongly before. Her aching heart yearns to comfort him, to hold him close, to let him know he’s everything and more. More than this world deserves. 

If the world cannot handle it, she’d gladly turn it all around for him. But… Kaveh is a kind soul, too kind for his own good. 

That’s why her fingers caress his arms that are wrapped around her waist. She can feel his heart beating on her back, their closeness is evident and always present. His touch is warm and his voice is all she concentrates on to not allow even the smallest detail to escape her. It must be painful to expose yourself and your vulnerabilities, it’s something she can understand, going through the same when she confessed her own mindset and concerns. But this? It feels deeper, heavier. Because Kaveh cares. He cares and he loves so much. 

Who made him believe that doing anything for him is wasteful? How dare they make him believe he was a waste at all?

It’s hard to stay silent when he tells she’d stop loving him when she finds ‘what she needs’. 

“Kaveh,” her voice is raspy but also broken when she says his name, a soft whisper that encompasses the feeling of shattering. It hurts to hear him view himself in such a manner. Is this why he would distance himself? Is this why he didn’t want to say and open up? Is this why he had such a hard time claiming each other’s love in public? She remembers how she would tell him about her confidence in speaking of how he was hers, but prior she believed he might’ve been shy (finding it rather cute) but now the pieces are connected and her heart almost drops. 

There is no pity in her gaze that reflected pain and worry, there’s only a desire to love and embrace him, to simply be there for him to prove whoever made him believe these lies wrong over and over again. 

And yet, she must remain quiet for a bit longer. 

" with you i find myself yearning to claim all of you, all the time, every day and as much as i want, zarina."

Is it supposed to make her cry? Because she feels tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. She never cries, she never allows herself to cry in front of others, and she never showcases such a weak sight of herself before others. Not her brothers, not her team, not even Kaveh. Ah, she did cry in front of him once, didn’t she? That’s not the point. The point is that his words and his honesty becomes everything she could’ve ever asked from him. The world cannot weigh the same as his words to her here and now, becoming the most essential wish of hers to understand him and to know just a bit what he feels. This is trust, no matter how painful and tough it is, but it is truth and trust. It is vulnerability and it is bravery. He’s so strong, her pride and love for him soar so high into the skies above Celestia. 

But right now, she swallows and breathes in. No tears must be shed, not now. 

“Thank you.” For telling me everything. For being honest. For doing this when it was so hard. 

It must’ve been so hard… 

“It must’ve been…” She finally speaks out, willing the tears and the emotions away. He makes her feel, makes her human, makes her experience all of this for the first time in her life. He made the worst person in Teyvat fall for him, wishing to be better with him and for him. Just a bit. Just a tiny bit. “It must’ve been so hard to say.”

Her free hand rises to let her fingers run through his blonde locks before sliding lower to let her fingertips caress his cheek. She may not see his expression, but she wishes to show him through touch how much love there will always be there for him, and him alone. This sweetness, this softness, this adoration and this love will only ever belong to him. 

“I cannot erase the feeling of guilt or make the voices go away,” she begins, wishing to give him her answer without going on a tangent. “But I will stay, I will be here by your side until you wish for that to stop. I will stay to always answer your how and why. How can I love you so much? Because you are yourself. Why do I keep loving you? Because every day you make my dream a reality, a dream I’ve tucked away as a child,” a small smile appears on her face as she leans back against him just a bit. “I will prove teachings of the past to be wrong over and over again. Be it minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years.” 

“My love is never wasted, it is an emotion of mine that nurtures and blossoms only because of you,” her poetic words may not truly be understood at this moment, but it feels right to say. “The more you give me, the more it blooms. The more you give me, the bigger the garden of my adoration grows,” she can only hope she can give them the flowers back as a showcase of her eternal love for him, eternal wish to be in his heart. Oh how she wishes for him to claim her, to wish for everything she is to be his and his alone. Someday, perhaps, someday he can loudly and confidently say it. “You offer me everything no one else have offered me before. I believed I’ve had everything I ever wished for: money, authority, knowledge, but it all felt… hollow. But you? You’ve made that hollowness disappear. You made the cold go away.”

He makes her heart beat instead of standing still, metaphorically speaking. 

“I, too, worry that my love for you will be too much for you sometimes,” she decides to say, her smile turning smaller and slightly pained. “I worry I’ll drown you in it and you’ll find me suffocating,” she lets out a strained chuckle, it feels shameful to admit how she is worried about her own love being too much. Even if she understands it’s out of her wish to not ‘drown’ him maliciously by accident. “And I love you so because I can see that you are everything I ever wished for, ever since I was a little girl in the snowy mountains of Snezhnaya. Everything I need, everything I want, everything and more, so much more than I could've ever wished for. I’ll never stop craving your love, your presence, you saying my name. I'm getting too greedy, too needy for you.”

The harder he loved, the further people slipped away from him? How lucky she is because she is addicted to his love, in love with his love and in love with him. His love is what keeps her garden of emotions alive, what keeps her as a human alive, and what will keep her as a human alive. If it’ll all disappear, she’ll wilt as cold and frigidness would return, erasing everything that makes her feel like a human again. It’ll return to the bitterness, the void, the hunger. The harder he'll love her, the stronger her response will be to embrace him, to kiss him, to love him, to wish for him to claim everything she is for himself.

“If you are worried, you can always ask me. If you are concerned, you can confide in me. If you feel you are too much, you can ask it out loud and my answer will always be the same: you are never too much. You are you, simply and wonderfully you. The one I want, the one I love.” Everything she needs, wants, dreams and more. So much more. “And every day, I’ll remind you that my time, my heart, my everything can be claimed by you. You may not feel right to claim right now, but I’ll always remind you that all I offer you belongs rightfully to you. Because you are you, and I only want you by my side, and I wish only to be by your side.”

Even if it takes years, she will not stop the little reminders, the softer whispers, the gentler touches and the loving gazes. Every how and why will be answered in a loving manner, with hands held and even kisses shared. And, hopefully, one day he’ll 

“I love you, Kaveh. Thank you for opening up about your feelings.”

It only makes her love him more and makes her wish to love him more. Would it be alright to hold back less in loving him? Would it be alright to be even more affectionate and adoring? Would it let him know he, too, can love her stronger? Time will tell, but it’s them who can make a difference. By talking, by opening up, by speaking out loud, by sharing.

#HELLO HI IM CRYING IM SOBBING IM ON THE FLOOR #HE OPENED UP!! HE SPOKE ABOUT HIS WORRIES!!! THIS IS INSANE #KAVEH SPEAKS ABOUT HIS FEELINGS AND WORRIES AND SHOWS OFF THE BROKEN PIECES OF HIMSELF #HE SHOWS NOT HIS PERFECT SELF AND ITS EVERYTHING IM SO NOT OK I LOVE THESE TWO SO MUCH #IM SO FUCKING NORMAL ABOUT THEM #aven im actually so feral i cannot explain im just a bundle of feels right now #avaere #❄ ― IN CHARACTER. ╱ you breathe by the sun，i breathe by the moon. #﹙kaveh | avaere﹚ ♥ | ― i'll enter the shadows to protect your light. ❞