#as you can see i have a lot of Feelings abt lilith. n anything involving her rly so. yeah-

[iagreewithlilithsrightsnwrongs]

What do you think was / is Lilith's greatest fear?

being useless. not having some greater purpose. being unlovable.

her whole life she has a purpose (become warrior nun) that is pretty clear cut yknow? but then someone else takes that purpose. someone who doesnt even understand it, doesnt appreciate it. n it frustrates her n angers her, sure. but it also hurts her. because if ava can have the halo just like that, what was the point of her legacy? if she was supposed to be the warrior nun, why isnt she?

so. no warrior nun. no greater purpose. okay sure. but she can still be of use. she can still fight, be a sister warrior, n begrudgingly help ava be the warrior nun lilith cant be. duretti wants the halo back, any means necessary? yes ofc on it. ava needs training to become the warrior nun n fight alongside her n the others? she's there, resentfully, but shes there, n even almost helps ava when she is stuck in the wall in that one scene. she needs to protect the halo n prevent it from getting taken by the tarasks into hell? she'll sacrifice herself. n thats what fucked her up. because now shes different. now shes *something*. she doesnt understand herself, her new powers, her new abilities. n if she cant help herself, how can she help others? even in s2, where we see her more in her skin in the first ep, it takes one hit to make her go back. she needs help, she needs to understand, she doesnt want to be a mystery, because she might be a dangerous one, n all she wants is to help. to be of use.

n under all that? all that emotional mess, that feeling of having to be doing smth to be worthy of anything? whats that under all that-? ah yes, a want to be loved. its in everything she does, yet she hides/masks it so well. she just wants to do good, she just wants to be loved. she tried to be the warrior nun, knowing or thinking it would earn her her parents love. didnt work, they dont love her. she keeps trying, keeps chasing that goal, keeps moving. but that part of her personality, that ambition above everything else. it drives ppl away. her friends hold her back, mary is fighting her. ava is afraid of her. n even after coming back all lilith can do is try. try to accept her new nature, try n accept this love shes given, but its hard. its hard to be loved when u think u need to earn it. its hard to be loved when u think u havent earned it *yet*. or that u shouldnt be loved. she wants it so bad, but will she believe it when she finally gets what she wants? when she has never gotten it before, not truly or purely?

she thinks love is this bargain almost. if lilith does smth agreeable to that person, they will love her. it makes perfect sense. so even with adriel it was like that. even with all he gave her or whatever, she still gave her loyalty to him. that was smth given, smth taken. only then it makes sense for her i think. she wants so badly to just. *be loved*. but she doesnt get it!! she doesnt get love because she never had it unconditionally from her fucking parents, who should've given her love just for being her parents n lilith their child, they never did that, always held that fucking warrior nun legacy over her, always pushed her into their agendas and NOW?? its all lilith knows. its what she was taught n shown in her formative, growing years, n trying to detangle that while: fighting demons, handling angels, training, meeting expectations that didnt even matter in the end, dying n coming back monstrous, NO ONE including her knowing how to deal with that, etc etc, we all watched the show. trying to make lilith see what love IS or what it SHOULD or COULD be, would be so fucking hard!! AND YET. ITS ALL SHE TRULY FUCKING WANTS!!! FUCK!!!!

#warrior nun #sister lilith #lilith villaumbrosia #an ask? for me??? #as you can see i have a lot of Feelings abt lilith. n anything involving her rly so. yeah- #shes just. she. yknow????? yeah