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shortypoems · 7 years

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Parker

Almost a week till Parker's anniversary. I'm pissed the air reminds me of him. The fall/wintery air in the morning and the leaves crunching underneath my feet. It reminds me of walking with him to the bus stop since 7th grade till the day he died. Even the air in the evening and the cold air when the sun starts to set reminds me of when Mason, him, and I would be goofin off doing dumb stuff till dark and we all had to go home.

I miss him. I'm just pissed he did it and I'm pissed how I handled it and I'm pissed I don't know if he's in heaven or hell. I know I won't be able to fix any of those. Or know untill I die too. I know but I'm pissed he's gone.

I might go to his grave tomorrow which is a week from his anniversary. last year I did the day of and I kept running into people that either I didn't like or he didn't like or people who talked shit on him until he died and I just can't stand it anymore. I'm not the type of person to show sympathy with my greif. I'm very selfish. People will regret their actions only when there are consequences. But it seems pretty shitty to call a bitch out when she crying over him. I just don't think it's my place and I don't know what's in their heart. But I hella wanna say shit. That's why I might go tomorrow.

This girl named chelsi that rode our bus one time said "he just tried too hard. Like look out his outfit it's not only loud but it's loud fuckboy. He should try less" and she would judge him and it her people like that all the time and she went to his funeral and I just wanted to say "guess he's not trying at all anymore huh" like yo fuck you dude social constructs are a lie and no one should live to please you and he was a fucking cutie.

My favorite pictures of him are the pictures I took of him in middle School with his short hair and glasses. Those are my pictures and I'm the only one who has them. The Parker in the pictures are the Parker I knew. I even have a video with his laugh that I haven't showed anyone. See, selfish.

I dated him for 13 days. And told him I had to break up with him because he smoked weed. After that he actually had a lot of respect for me??? He would do little things for me and give me little things. I still have a broken chain he gave me that I turned into a bracelet. He still walked in front of my house in the morning on the chance I would catch him and walk with him. I remember a few times he stood up for me with my middle school bully hiddy. She sucked.

He would be swearing a lot and I would be like "had could you watch your language please" and he would be like "yeah sorry shorty." When anyone else would he would tell them to fuck off. He was kind of an asshole near the end. Pretty selfish and rude to anyone he didn't know personally. He was a pretty angry spirit. Angsty Teen™.

He was the only person I tolerated smoking weed. Up until he died and a lot of the stoners were sad and I wanted to comfort them. They only smoked with him, I lived with him. Like as he was a huge part in my life. At the time of his death he was my 3rd best friend. I don't know if I was the same for him. Now it feels like the only people I am attracted to are stoners. Like I'm always drawn to them. My boyfriend is and I'm real against it for some reason. Maybe because of this?

One time I was walking in the hall and parker yelled "SHORTY!" behind me. I turned around and he ran up to me and lifted me up like he was hugging my hips and he spun me around and I was taken so off guard I held on for dear life and his hat fell off and he set me down and we were both laughing. Mama said he still had a crush on me till the day he died. I don't know about that but I know I was special to him for whatever reason and he was special to me.

I hated how everything went down. He called me the day before you know. I was the only one who knew what was going on. He called me telling me about the rape accusations and if I could contact Devin for him so he could be his alliby. I asked him what Happened and he said that they just made out pretty hard. I remember when I hung up I thought "he deserves this for hoeing around all this time" I hate that I thought that. I hate that I thought I could judge and be happy about him facing his consequences.

I was at a friend's house when I got the called. Dustin faith and I were on the trampoline playing with blankets and hiding from he rain. Jade was inside. It was the weekend my parents were out of town and I was either at jades house or abbies. I remember talking and bragging about parker the day before to Abbie's cousin who was saying with her and I. She went to IF not compass but she heard about him and wanted to know more.

The next day I went home to chill and take care of the pets and repack for the following night. I was watching supernatural when Mason came over crying and told me what happened earlier that morning. Parker shot himself in the same room that his dad did you know. I was the third friend of his to know. Masons mom brought him and I went to Stetsons and devans to tell them.

There's sometimes an echo of the scream from when I came home after being with Mason. I got home and took maybe 4 steps in the door and just collapsed on the floor and screamed his name at the top of my lungs. Never will I cry like that it was so intense.

That night I called Kaysie and told her. I remember hearing her cry and her telling her mom. She was close with him too until she moved to Boise. She knew him longer than me.

I remember not wanting to tell anyone else though. I didnt even tell my parents until they got home from their trip. I was very selfish and when it got out I was angry. I hated hearing the same old things over and over. Whether it were posts on Facebook or someone talking to me about it. "Fly High baby boy. Rest in Paradise. He's in a better place. It was so long ago. Everything is for the better. God has a plan. It wasn't meant to be for him to live on. He was a short chapter in your life."

It was worse when talking to someone who also knew him. "At least you weren't as close and him and I. We were best friends for _ years and we did this and this together. Be glad you werent as close as me because it hurts more." Like you can't fucking make more memories now. There's no going back. I'm jealous of the time you spent with him and you're rubbing it in my face and saying I'm the lucky one like fuck you dude. They shouldn't treat it like a contest or a burden. Parker wasn't the "who got less sleep" or "who rides the bus longest" contest during recess. He was a unique human being that can never be replicated or replaced.

His favorite color was red and his favorite artist was Eminem. On the bus in middle school he told me his favorite song was slim shady. I think his favorite super hero was spiderman but I might be wrong.

I remember trying to get the guts to write down everything I remembered. Everything I knew about him and our memories so I could hold on longer. But everytime I did it became too much. I always ended up freaking out too much. Crying on the paper till it smudged and throwing I fit it wasn't ledgable and just ripping it up. This is the closest thing to writing everything down and it's been 2 years.

There was no point in this post but to talk about it. I just miss him and I loved him to much. He used to come to my house to see if I wanted to walk his dog with him. We would go to the gas station or the Mexican store by our houses and he's buy me candy or a bug juice.

In the mornings when highschool started and we had to walk further we would call each other in the morning to meet up and walk. I remember a lot of snowball fights, sliding and crushing ice, YouTube videos and songs, playing GTA at his house for the first time ever.

After he died it didn't click like I thought it did until his funeral, and a few other times. One of those times was I was sitting next to Stetson and I looked at his screen on his computer. He was on Gmail and Gmail tells you when your close friends are active. There was one that said "Parker is not active." I just started laughing. Just laughing at first and when he asked what about I pointed to it and said "it's funny cuz he'll never be active again." And I started crying but I couldn't stop laughing and people were staring at me while i had what looked like a mental break as Stetson figured out how to remove him from his friends list.

Another time was either I or my mom went through my yearbook and found his signature. All it said was "Parker Duke. =P miss you." I didn't remember reading it before that but all I kept saying was "I miss you too." There's no reason for him to have written that in 8th grade. We were still fairly close I thought. Walking together still.

He wanted so much more. He wanted to graduate compass. He wanted to grow a goatee. But he didn't even finish his first year of high school let alone trimester. I wish I could grow up with him. See how he would turn out to be a nice young man.

I hate keep going. Moving on. It doesn't bother me that he's not in my halls anymore. I don't walk to school anymore so I don't miss walking with him. He never took the classes I'm taking so missing him in class is impossible. Once I graduate and move out there will be nothing but the seasonal fall/wintery air and crunchy leaves to remind me of him. I want to always remember parker.

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