#anyways. aa really does make you feel new and terrible emotions | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pankataratos-ficdump · 2 years

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ARADIA: you know? actually what i think is that the more you try to convince yourself that you are a bad person

ARADIA: the more you will eventually become that person

She just looks at you, smiling in a way that you know is bullshit from its core. You stare back at her, and you wish that you felt something other than tired. A kernel of you that you do not deny but do try not to look at actually misses when she did not smile at all

—it sits deep inside your gut, where you have buried it so far down that you no longer know the name of the emotion, but you do know that you stored it right alongside everything else you used to think you had a right to feel—

because at least then she didn't try to make you feel better at her own expense.

ARADIA: sollux

ARADIA: dont you ever get tired of blaming yourself for everything

ARADIA: except for the things you actually did?

---

Terezi knows that when you do not answer, it is because you are trying to think about the answer. Aradia knows this, too, but when you are quiet for too long she bumps her tiny elbow against yours anyway, closing the distance that you've put between you with an easy flutter of her wings. You drink straight from the neck, and she does not stop you, but she does frown.

ARADIA: i mean first of all i understand that you have your thing with being better than karkat at everything he tries for some weird reason but

ARADIA: i thought that blaming yourself for things you had no control over was kind of karkats only job! you should probably let him keep it

SOLLUX: eheheheh. ii mean yeah, fair poiint. hard pa22 on "kk haviing nothiing better two do than troll liiterally everyone about the 2ame three epii2ode2 of 2oap opera for another month."

ARADIA: that was pretty terrible yes

ARADIA: i would not like to do that again

SOLLUX: jegu2, who would.

SOLLUX: but al2o fuck you, ii quite liiterally only blame my2elf for the 2tuff that wa2 actually my fault. a2 iin, LIITERALLY, ii have no iidea what you're talkiing about but ii'd love iit iif you 2topped.

SOLLUX: fuck. now they've got me u2iing that fuckiing word. ii hate that fuckiing word.

ARADIA: lol! 0u0

ARADIA: ive LITERALLY already told you this but you really would be surprised how much of all this was preordained and

SOLLUX: aauuuugghghggh fuck you.

ARADIA: hehehe

ARADIA: but a lot of it really isnt your fault!

SOLLUX: look ii hear you. 'iit'2 not me iit'2 the doom thiing!'. ii know. ii get the 2chtiick aa ok, ii actually really don't have any problem beiing the fiir2t guy iin liine for the new launch of the next biig thiing ii fucked up. 2hiit ii 2howed up two periigee2 early and 2at out2iide the troll game2top two pick up the fiir2t copy ok, ii had two fii2tfiight a juggalo for the riight2 two be 2ure that ii got the mo2t liimiited ediitiion po22iible ver2iion of the 2hort end of the 2chtiick. lucky me. ii GET iit.

ARADIA: but you dont get it at all

ARADIA: thats the exact problem we keep talking around every time we do this

ARADIA: and what bothers me is that you know that, and you do get it, but you just dont want to admit it and i dont understand why

ARADIA: jegus you make me so mad when you talk like this

ARADIA: for such a smart guy sometimes youre the dumbest person i know! maybe…

ARADIA: about…

SOLLUX: don't 2ay "but only half the tiime."

ARADIA: :D

SOLLUX:

ARADIA: :D

SOLLUX: ...half the time.

ARADIA: :D!!! yay thank you

SOLLUX: no problem. yeah, though. ok. you're riight. ii agree iin an expliiciitly not self-deprecatiing way. now what.

ARADIA: well

SOLLUX: no waiit. 2orry. ju2t… hang on, for a minute, ok?

ARADIA: ok

ARADIA: we have plenty of time

SOLLUX: yeah. yeah we do.

SOLLUX: fuck god damn iit, ii mean, yeah eheheh. you're made of iit. 2orry, mii22ed that one.

ARADIA: 0u0

ARADIA: thats ok, youre thinking

SOLLUX: yeah.

SOLLUX: thanks.

[...]

SOLLUX: you… want a beer?

ARADIA: you know what? yes

ARADIA: fuck it 0u0

SOLLUX: that'2 the 2piiriit.

ARADIA: hehehehehe

ARADIA: that was a double pun too! very nice

SOLLUX: eheheh. thank2. 2o hey before we do thii2.

ARADIA: mhmm?

SOLLUX: what ii2 that thiing you're doiing wiith your hand2.

ARADIA: its called finger guns! i learned it from the humans, no idea what it means but you do it when somebody makes a pun

SOLLUX: oh.

ARADIA: want to try?

SOLLUX: iit'll look dumb on me. compared two you, on you iit'2 adorable but.

SOLLUX: yeah, 2ure, why not.

[...]

ARADIA: i think i finally understand what you meant that one time you were mean on purpose

SOLLUX: ii'm mean on purpo2e a lot aa. whiich tiime.

ARADIA: the one when you said sometimes you think you liked me better when i was dead

SOLLUX: huh? oh fuck ok. FUCK. aa you know ii diidn't—

ARADIA: no i mean it! i really do think i understand now in a way i didnt then and now im a lot less upset about it actually

ARADIA: i mean i believed you when you explained but now i actually understand! because

ARADIA: sometimes i think i like you better when youre drunk

SOLLUX: ...

ARADIA: you tell me jokes again

SOLLUX: oh.

SOLLUX: yeah. me two.

ARADIA: i know

ARADIA: thats why it makes me so sad

SOLLUX: ...aa. look.

ARADIA: i know! youre sorry. i wouldnt be sad if you werent

ARADIA: im sorry too

[...]

SOLLUX: waiit fuck ii ju2t notiiced thii2 2ound2 a lot liike a breakup talk. are we breakiing up?

ARADIA: sollux

ARADIA: i am in a pretty good position to tell you that we have been best friends for as long as we have existed in time together!

SOLLUX: oh. really?

ARADIA: yep!

SOLLUX: that'2 cool.

ARADIA: i know! but let me finish im almost done

SOLLUX: 2orry.

ARADIA: its ok but anyway, i dont think i want to find a point where that stops and i havent so far, so i dont think that i will now

ARADIA: but i also dont think that we have been "together" for a while now

SOLLUX: yeah. ok.

[...]

SOLLUX: ii gue22 iit wa2 obviiou2 two everybody but u2 huh.

ARADIA: yep! these things usually are im told

ARADIA: except for eridan i think he thinks were moirails or something

SOLLUX: lol, what??? that'2 hiilariiou2.

ARADIA: right!

SOLLUX: …2o.

ARADIA: :D

ARADIA: are you

ARADIA: are you going to say the line?

SOLLUX: yeah.

ARADIA: say it

SOLLUX: 2iigh. 2o. ju2t to be clear.

ARADIA: (enthusiastic silence)

SOLLUX: are we 2tiill friiend2?

ARADIA: youre right

ARADIA: that is

ARADIA: SO funny

ARADIA: yes we are

SOLLUX: cool.

ARADIA: can i have another beer?

SOLLUX: yeah. ii'm out here though we'll have two head hiive.

SOLLUX: hey.

ARADIA: mm?

SOLLUX: wanna get drunk and help me tra2h kk at mariio kart?

ARADIA: sure!

ARADIA: whats that?

SOLLUX: you'll be good at iit, don't worry.

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