#anyways happy new year LMAO no more being a downer today | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kinetic-elaboration · 3 years

Text

100 Days of Writing: Days Twenty-Two - Twenty-Four

Going to try to catch up on at least a few of these 100 Days of Writing Questions. Not going to talk about specific fics because I’ve gotten distracted by work and life and stress and being tired so I haven’t done any writing this week, and decreasing amounts of thinking about writing. Mostly just obsessively thinking about old projects and tying myself into knots about them... The creative process continues to intimidate me WAY too much. Not good lol.

Tagging @the-wip-project and fellow participants @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold, @thelittlefanpire @hopskipaway @easilydistractedbyfanfic @dylanobrienisbatman.

22. Tell us about a scene you’re most looking forward to writing in your current project.

For the Sleeping Beauty AU: ...the last one? So it’s done? That’s probably a really bad answer and too indicative of my negative feelings.

More specifically, I do want to start on Chapter 6. I planned Chapter 5 so long ago, and it’s been in limbo for so long, at this point there’s not a lot of big-picture creative thinking going on with it. It’s just me writing out the plot points I decided on ages ago, which feels like (and possibly reads like) a slog. I’ve had a few new thoughts about it but not many. Chapter 6 was also outline ages ago, but in a much more general way... basically just me figuring out if I could actually bring it to a conclusion, really general plot strokes and so on. The most excitement I’ve felt for this fic this year was me figuring out some new ideas for that outline and picturing some specifics for scenes in it, so it would be nice if I could actually write that and see how that works out. Plus, those scenes have some different characters in them, which might be nice.

That said, I’ll probably freak out about actually writing Ch 6 too.

Outside of Sleeping Beauty...I don’t even know what I’m looking forward to or what I want. I’ve been mentally poking at some possible projects, ideas, old stuff and new. I can’t really say these thoughts are “fun.” But maybe something nice will come of them at some point. It’s so hard for me to TRUST any excitement I feel because there’s some dumb voice in my head that always says “You think this seems like a good idea now but you’ll avoid actually writing it because it will be too hard and then you’ll harshly judge it and probably hate it so what’s the point?”

Wow I’m really down today. A real downer on this positive question.

23. Have you ever read a thing in a book or seen in a show/movie where you thought: "Oh, this is bad, I can do this so much better!" What was it?

....Well. I mean one answer is that I don’t engage in fandom if I’m 100% happy or satisfied with the canon because then I don’t need transformative works. At this point I’m SO critical of my main fandom that I’ve gone too far in the opposite direction, I think...there’s no longer that balance of critique and love.

I feel like that’s not what this question is about, though.

The only experience I can think of that really fits this, and actually fits it really well, is watching STB. I love the AOS verse as a whole and I find it very inspiring (I’ve never written TOS because it’s too good and I’m afraid haha), but the only movie that’s actually good is ST09. And Beyond is like.....really, really bad. But there are only 3 films so like... I gotta watch it sometimes, there aren’t a lot of options.

So last February my mom (who is in fandom and knows I’m in fandom too) and my friend B (who afaik is not in transformative works fandom), and I watched Beyond together over Skype and afterwards my mom and I basically rewrote the whole film. It does have some good ideas! But wow does it suck at executing them at literally every turn. So glad people were paid huge amounts of money to produce S**** P***’s first draft submitted at dawn after an all nighter lmao. Anyway, we fixed it problem by problem and I saved all the notes and a part of me kinda.... wants to turn it into a whole-ass outline and then write it, fic-style. A dream!! A dream.

24. Have you ever read a thing in a book or seen in a show/movie where you thought: "Oh, this is good, I'm gonna steal that!" What was it?

Not anything specific-specific, but I’m basically mining everything from RL experiences and moods to books and tv and movies and music, for inspiration at all times, so in general, yes. Usually, I’ll watch (or read) something that I really like and that makes me feel a certain way and I think “I want to create something else that will make me--and others--feel just this way.” Like “that was a good, creepy atmosphere in that film. I want to write something creepy too.” Or “oh the nostalgia of adolescence! let’s write a high school AU.” Basically just a childlike scream of “I want to do it too!!! Let me play too!!”

I also do this to some degree with themes... like I finished Roadside Picnic and pretty much immediately stole the concept of the final chapter for a fic I planned out but didn’t write. Part of the reason I didn’t write it was intimidation at attempting to come at the same question/concept in an even halfway decent way--even though the point wasn’t to copy but to engage in a different and deeper way with the original text. Like, it gave me so many thoughts, I wanted to get into those thoughts using, instead of a discussion or a piece of meta/essay writing, a different fictional universe. In other words, some works make me really engage in a particular question and I want to think more deeply on that question in an entirely new fictional story I write myself.

I really do have a long habit of engaging with art through other art but I feel like I’m...losing that a little, in the sense that barriers like a hyper-critical attitude and low self esteem are keeping me from doing that right now. I could describe it a million different ways but basically... I don’t believe I can do it, so I psyche myself out.

#100 days of writing #my 100 days of writing #100daysofwriting

3 notes · View notes

defunctblogtobedeleted · 7 years

Text

1/14/17, 5:41am - can’t sleep

too much stuff on my mind. and a bit of a headache. I know I said I’d quit this thing, but I can’t. but as far as I’m concerned, if I’m going to cop out of that I’m at least going to swear off the kiss-and-tell braggadocio though. And tone down the negative vibe.

This aboutta be some feelgood shit up in here.

I mean not everything’s going great. To be totally honest I still have literally no idea how this financial situation is going to work out. But I’m sure it will.

But my friends have been so good to me. I love them all so much.

Need to start with the excellent gourmet kingdom dinner that I went out to with the smash fam on wednesday. Lucas, Corey, Dylan, Patricio, Clem, Jwilli, Spencer all treated me. Fuck I hope I’m not forgetting someone lmao. I know I’m forgetting like one or two mofukkas. I wasn’t going to go ofc, but since I wasn’t going to go because money was tight they offered to pay for my meal and I reluctantly accepted. [as much as i’d do it for anyone, I still feel a little bothered accepting these kinds of gifts from my friends. I don’t really feel like I can’t take care of myself or something, I just feel like I... shouldn’t. Because if I can’t plan on coming out of my own financial problems how can I plan on paying them back and how can I accept a gift in the first place then?]

Thursday I got to team with Ian, and it was some of the most fun I’ve ever had playing in tournament. We DOMINATED the winners bracket of that tournament. only lost one game and had some of the filthiest combos I’ve ever seen in my life. Just got cold waiting for grands and didn’t play as well. Was so much fun though, really made me happy to have poured so much time into practicing. Just gotta keep doing better.

After the tournament a whole ton of people came over to my place to play for the night. Can’t even get into it but it was great. in all I played from 4pm until 6am and only stopped because I got a splitting headache and felt like I was going to die finally hahahah... Probably should have gotten some dinner or somethnig lmao.

I was supposed to try to play with Kevin today, but instead I spent the day with Weilin. Him and a few people had crashed at my place, so we went on a mini road trip to take Decker back to greensboro. We spent a little time trying to get his phone fixed, spent some time trying to find me new pants, ate some delicious gyros and had a long car talk about hentai and the pursuit of happiness and financial goals and life and melee and everything, man. So glad that happened.

We met up with Arun, Arvind, Irene, and Broscious to eat at Bali Hai and do an escape room out at durham. Got a huge ass plate of meat thanks to weilin covering for me, and had a great time solving the 90′s themed puzzles with the gang. We tore it up, too. Only got stumped by a cd in a book and a madonna song hahaha. Those guys are all some smart motherfuckers, I’ll tell ya whattt. And while we waited for this safe to unlock me and Broscious got to slam down some Pogs and mostly just slap them around on a table hahahahaha. I was supposed to go to a party tonight that my old pokemon go team was throwing to celebrate Kelly turning level 40, but there was no way I was gonna pull myself away from those guys for anything. We spent a couple hours playing board games and talking/gossipping/catching up and getting cookout. Excited as fuck to do it again tomorrow.

But the real reason I’m writing this post is because Irene wanted us to do this neat little thing that was admittedly a little lame but amazingly feelgood and really made me happy. I think she called it a compliment circle, where we all had to think of at least a compliment for each other, and we took turns doing whatever the opposite of a roast is. I really don’t want to forget any of the things that they said, because it’s not often that people go out of their way to give you honest totally-for-nothing compliments, yknow? They’re not verbatim because my short term memory sucks, but I’ll do my best here.

“You’re the best.” “you have a beautiful smile and jaw structure and face and eyes and you’re just a great looking dude and if I were a chick I’d date you and if you were a chick I’d date you, and if we both were chicks I’d date you.” “it seems like you always have a lot of things messing with your life, but despite that you’re always a great person to be around. you never seem to let things get to you and you always have a smile on your face and you’re never a downer.” “you do a lot of things for your friends and the melee community and just people in general. you never really seem to expect anything in return and I don’t think that gets brought up much.” “You make me push myself to be better.” “I like your nose” (weird. broscious, you don’t read my blog, do you??) “you’ve got a really warm personality and do a really great job of including everyone when you try to talk to them and like in the puzzle room.” “You’re always there for me, even at times when nobody else was.”

goddamn, man. I don’t even care if it’s narcissistic to put those down here. I have to put them Somewhere. Literally shed a tear writing them down, I feel so good about all that shit. It really couldn’t have come at a better time with everything hitting the fan and all of my self image issues recently. Maybe they knew that.

What I didn’t think to tell them then was that it’s friends like them and everyone I hung out this week and everyone in my life that cares about me still that make my life so happy in the first place. It’s like... when I finally get to be in a room with people I know and can enjoy their company it’s like all the bullshit that exists outside just isn’t important anymore. Relaxing by talking and playing games is so fucking wonderful.

Speaking of my issues again, might as well follow up on new years goals and self improvement stuff.

Feeling much better about my teeth. Got my cavities filled (I had fucking TEN), got my teeth cleaned for the first time in years, I’ve finally got this image out of my head that my crowned tooth looks dead. Forreal, idk if it was the cleaning, or just talking to the dentist about whether they think it matches and then thinking about it, or what the deal is, but I Swear ever since I decided it wasn’t worth having my crown replaced again it’s looked better. Matches color better and more consistently, doesn’t look off balanced, I just look good. I really want to blame it on the cleaning but maybe it really was just a mental thing... Idk. I’m just happy my teeth are finally healthy, holy shit thinking about my mouth too hard the past couple years has been horrifying. Right now my gums hurt because I flossed for the first time in forever. Might be why I can’t sleep, but starting good habits.

Don’t know what’s up with my weight, haven’t been keeping track of that yet.

Have been doing Great about drinking water. Have only drank soda on a few occasions at all, back to living on powdered lemonade like I said I would. Probably should still be drinking more, but off to a great start. Still haven’t been on reddit since the new year (though I don’t think I wrote this resolution down), but still passively start to type it in the search bar sometimes. Shit’s difficult. Progress on my septum is put on hold for now, family doctor is waiting to refer me until I have a followup visit with them about my lab work. Supposedly I had “small red blood cells” so like either dehydration or anemia. Probably both lolll. Hopefully not something more serious, but who knows. Been taking a multivitamin daily. Been spending less money lmaoooo. Haven’t been cooking for myself the past few days but DID start doing that finally. Just gotta keep it up. Still no good on exercise. Still haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes. Smoking a lot of that pipe tobacco, but it definitely doesn’t make me feel cravings like cigs do. Pretty great there. Started goofing around on tinder again just to get that out of the way. Got a few matches, but I’ve been sandbagging this game really hard lol. e.g. I’ve been a lottt more picky about who I swipe, way too detailed about how nerdy I am in my profile, and not playing with it all that much tbh. I.e. doing all the things that are probably healthier dating habits but are def not anything close to how you need to play tinder to be successful from what I’ve ever experienced. That being said I’ve already partially rediscovered my hatred for it and think it’s a waste of time, but whatever. Not entirely motivated to meet new people right now anyway, so even if I’m not exactly happy to be swiping through a couple dozen people without matching I’m definitely not let down either. It just doesn’t feel like the right time for me, and also I totally wouldn’t have money for dates now that I think about it lmaoo. Last thing I’m gonna mention is that I haven’t been fucking with my fingers nearly as much. Just lost my week-or-so streak I was on, fidgeting in the car today, but def doing a lot better.

Everything’s doing a lot better. I’m still totally fucked, but I feel pretty great and I’m doing pretty great and everything’s going to be even more great soon enough.

#pogchamp [6:52am. never gonna sleep oh god rip hahaha]

0 notes