#anyway....if anyone else struggles with this I hope this helps someone. its a really sucky place to be in honestly. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

obaewankenope · 3 years

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Okay so, I have ADHD. I'm 18 and was diagnosed 2 months ago? Maybe one? I don't remember. Anyways, I'm constantly thinking about and bouncing between the "hey it's okay you can't do this, it's not your fault, you just need some extra help and you can do it!!!" and "you're so stupid, just try harder, if you cared enough you'd be able to do it. why are you asking for special treatment and being a burden?" lines of thinking.

And that, especially lately, has led me to hyperfixating on the fear that, hey, maybe even when I do start medication and have finally figured out how to manage this with my therapist... what if I still can't do it?

This is especially difficult when it comes to art. I'm an aspiring artist & illustrator, and the struggle to do something that I love so much is so incredibly frustrating.

And it makes me worry that, even when I am finally medicated and have what I need, and even now when I'm REALLY struggling... maybe the problem is me and not the clearly albeist system I'm forced to work in.

Maybe I don't love it enough. Maybe I'm not as passionate and dedicated and driven to succeed with my art as I think I am. And it is so unbelievably soul crushing to think that because, that's it for me, that's all I can think to do with my life. I don't really have anything else, which I know sounds dramatic but, yeah. And the idea that I might not care for it enough, or that simply caring for it isn't enough, is really messing with me.

Uh so I'm not really sure what I'm asking aside from, WHAT DO I DO? How do I manage this? How do you deal with the imposter syndrome? Help????

Okay so, there's a LOT to unpack here, bean, and we're gonna do it now at 2:39am because why the fuck not, right?

You're 18 which means your brain is still developing. That means you have to deal with the chaotic brain chemistry that comes with growing on top of the chaos of adhd. That sucks.

The whole swings and roundabouts thinking on your ability is, sadly, very common. Too common to be as normalised as it is tbh. The first thought process is the Good One. That's the one that is Accurate To You And Your Needs. The second thought process is the Society Mindset Of Judgement.

I call thoughts like that "brain weasels" - a concept my friend Lily mentioned one day in chat and I just instantly accepted it as reality.

All those bad thoughts, all those moments of "you're a failure" are given a Name in my mind. That is Brian. Brain Weasel Brian. My mother calls them Brain Weasel Paddy.

I heartily advocate that sort of thing. Adopting this method of Attributing A Name to the thoughts that Don't Help You, is a good method of teaching your brain to separate the bad thoughts and the good ones that help.

Sometimes it doesn't work. In my depressive episodes, it doesn't work great if at all. But that happens. Sometimes nothing helps then. Sometimes existing is about as much as I can manage. It's Sucky but it's not permanent.

Rarely, is anything truly permanent. We just tend to think they are.

Next, hyper fixating on fear.

Again, pretty damned normal if also very sucky. Our brains, no matter whether we're neurodiverse or not, are Very Good at remembering the bad and giving up lots of Risk Lists to consider. This mechanism helps us as a species in the wild, of course, but in the world we live in now... well, it's not the best mechanism out there.

We can't stop it, though. It's part of our evolution as humans. We can figure out tricks to help manage it. See, the biggest problem we have with fear and anxiety is we try to push it down and away or we obsess over it. Those are the worst options.

Anxiety and fear have to be imagined to be like smoke. Its there in the air. Its part of it when a fire happens and we need fires for warmth. So anxiety and fear is natural. It's healthy to have both but not so much that we can't function. The mechanism is messing up if we can't function.

Anyway.

Have you ever tried to capture smoke in your hands? It's not possible. You can't cup your hands like you would with water, can't grip it like you would a solid. No. Because smoke is a gas and it moves and shifts and fills up any space it can.

Anxiety and fear are like smoke. They're part of everything and exists because of Reasons and they can be a good thing but can also be a bad thing too.

It can also become too familiar for us sometimes. Like a smoker who lights up and savours the smell of a burning cigarette.

We cling to what we know even if what we know is bad for us. It's human nature. But just because we cling to what we know doesn't mean we can't be brave and let it go. That's human nature too.

We're a species of messy contradictions, after all.

Medication helps the brain chemistry and assists that fear and anxiety mechanism. It's not a cure, contrary to belief, but it will help. Therapy helps you work through things and medication helps settle your brain which will help you further.

Does that mean it's going to fix you? No, because you're not broken. You're different but not broken.

With your art and illustration and your desire to become an illustrator, I can wholly understand the frustration you feel.

But I wonder, does that frustration stem from fear of failure or from feeling so many emotions and not being able to figure out their source?

If its the former, then that's understandable. We all fear failure. But sometimes, it's not failure we actually fear. What we really fear is success. Because we don't know what to do if we succeed. That's a long term thing.

Failure can be immediate and short term. It's something we can think about in the immediate future because our brains are able to follow the tangent of time enough for that.

But success. Success means long term considerations. It means thinking about what comes after. It means considering potential promotions, opportunities, work pieces, connections and so on. It means thinking of those things beyond the short term where our brain's are most comfortable.

ADHD brains are not really built for long term planning. We're good planners for short term things. Good problem solvers. But rarely is it a long term sort of solution we come up with.

Not because we can't, but because we get so mirred in the details, in the What Ifs and the Possibilities that we lose our focus on the Whole Picture. We lose the tangent.

I don't necessarily think you're not passionate enough. Hardly anyone who draws lacks passion. They may lack technique, but passion... That's something any artist needs in my opinion. Even just a spark.

But being able to use that passion, to convey it, now that's the challenge. That's Hard.

Sometimes it's next to impossible.

The thing is, ADHD and Autism make you feel things Deeply and Chaotically. This makes you struggle to process those feelings.

Being a young adult with Expectations and Responsibilities on top of sucky brain growth chemistry just makes that struggle worse.

You may not be able to channel your passion into your art currently, but that doesn't mean you don't have it.

Think of your passion like a tube that's got a blockage in it. The pressure inside is immense but you've got nothing on hand to remove the blockage. It'll take time to develop the tools, to find them, to help. Or. It might have to remove itself.

This doesn't make you lacking in passion. It just makes you temporarily injured in the passion department. We don't blame someone for a sprained ankle resting. Don't blame yourself for taking time off because of this.

Imposter syndrome is... Hard. So, so hard.

I don't have an answer for you about how to handle it. I do a pretty poor job of it myself. I fake confidence, am awful at accepting praise, and constantly feel inadequate. I just hide it really well.

But that's emotion. That's fear and doubt and anxiety. That's societal expectations stoking the emotional disturbance of imposter syndrome.

Logic tells me different.

But logic is hard to believe. Especially when the emotions are very Loud and Distracting.

Sometimes you have to call those doubts and fears for what they are: Brain Weasels.

Sometimes you have to think of it all like it's smoke.

Sometimes you have to sit down and meditate, crossing a mental bridge between reason and emotion to deliver a message to both sides.

We are individuals who pick out pebbles from the river and admire them. Sometimes we keep them. Sometimes we put them back. Most times, we move on. Those pebbles are difficulties, challenges, doubts.

ADHD tends to try and keep the pebbles. Imposter syndrome uses them as building blocks.

Sometimes you have to dig out the foundations and toss those pebbles back before you can start to work on fixing up the rest.

This has become very rambly now, I'm sorry. Its 3:24am and I need to sleep. I do hope this helps in some way, though. If not for you, then for others.

#Kat replies #ADHD #Neurodiversity #Neurodiverse #Autism #Mental health #Disability

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aristotle-is-alive · 4 years

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Passion, bruh (not the sexy kind don’t worry)

Imma cut to the chase here, friends. My passion is ministry towards individuals who have disabilities. I almost just misspelled ‘disabilities”. That’s really sad. Oh well, I can be a bad speller but still care about a topic lol. Anyway, back to the point. I could talk all day about how happy this particular subject makes me, but it’s 11:46pm and all day only lasts 14 more minutes so I’ll have to be relatively concise.

I know quite a few people who have a disability, or multiple disabilities. My brother has cerebral palsy, and my best friend whom I’ve known since birth has dysautonomia (look it up, cuz it’s grossly unknown, so if you’re one of the few people who knows what it is, you’re a stellar human in my book. In fact, here’s a link to its wiki page https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysautonomia) I have many friends who have ASD, and/or Down’s Syndrome. Now that I’m looking at these sentences, they really sound like a flex XD. I’m just gearing up to say why I’m drawn to this ministry, don’t worry.

All these people, I have to say, are some the most happy, joyful, compassionate, and kind people I’ve ever met. They make me so happy every time I see them, and always leave me feeling loved. I hope I evoke the same feeling in them. When you think about it, it’s actually incredible that many of the folks who have any sort of disability are so happy. Think about it. Many of them struggle with learning difficulties, physical ailments, inabilities to function without significant help, depression, anxiety, stress, and so many other hurtful things that occur daily. Many, and I mean MANY of them are bullied and oppressed throughout childhood and well into adult life. They’re stigmatized, made fun of, laughed at, and made into insults. For reference, consider the use of the ‘r’ word (I hate that word with a passion), the term ‘sped’ (a term meaning special ed, and used as an insult of sorts), or ‘spazz’ (when used toward a person who has, for a specific example, cerebral palsy and struggles with muscle spasms or dystonia, or in reference to, although not directly toward, a person with such struggles).

With all these gigantic hurtful situations, people who have disabilities are. SO. HAPPY. AND NICE. AND UPLIFTING. They lift you up when they’re constantly in pain! They laugh and smile when just yesterday they were called horrible offensive names! They make an effort to be friends with you when ever since they were born no one wanted to be their friend just because they twitched, or looked different, or only talked about trees, or never actually talked at all! Isn't that incredible?!

It’s a marvel just because of that! For example, my brother is constantly choking on his own vomit, having dystonic storms which doubtless cause agonizing muscle cramps, being afflicted with almost ceaseless ear infections, chronic constipation, kidney stones, and probably numerous other physical maladies that we just don’t know about because he can’t tell us, because he’s nonverbal. He also can’t walk, eat orally, or perform most noticeable kinds of voluntary movement. But you know what? He smiles and laughs more than most people I can think of. He laughs at jokes, his favorite TV shows, and whenever anyone does something embarrassing. Now how in the holy heck is that possible?!

I can tell you for a fact, if I was in that much pain as often as he is (every stinking day), I would NOT be as sunshiny as he is. In fact, I would be a sucky person to be around. I would be a complete bitch to be quite honest (again, pardon my French, but I didn’t know how else to get my point across).

I guess the whole point of this is, people who have disabilities are so, sO, SO HECKING STRONG. I can’t even begin to describe it. I don’t want to come off as someone who’s just into this because it’s iNsPiRaTiOnAl, or I only love people who have disabilities who are also sunshiny, because believe me, I know that everyone has their Bad Days, and in fact quite a few people have disabilities that cause them to have behavior issues that aren't the most fun to be around sometimes. But they are humans, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL humans who are loved beyond imagination because they are who they are. And who they are is exactly what God intended them to be.

In the book of John, Jesus encountered a man who had been blind from birth. The town’s people around him asked Jesus why the man had been born this way, suggesting options such as it being because of the man’s sins, or perhaps his parents. Jesus in turn asserted this one, crucial, beautiful fact. He said, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” or, in the New Living Translation, “It was not because of his sins or his parents. This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.”. This. Is. So. True. I won’t elaborate on this anymore, save to state this:

If you want to see the power of God, his glory, his love, grace, and mercy, look at the heart of a person who has a disability.

That’s all I’m gonna say cause if I talk any more about this, I’ll wind up going on and on for long enough to write a decent length fan fiction. Ugh, and I haven’t even gotten into the lives and hearts of parents of people with disabilities! There’s gonna have to be a part two.

Jeezo that took me 40 minutes to write. Probably shouldn’t have taken me that long but oh well.

If you made it to the end of this thing, Congration! You done it! Thank you for sticking it out. I hope this blessed you in some way, or maybe gave you some insight, grace, or joy.

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