#anyway i did try to explain to aubrey why i was pulling away post breakup. which was because he Could Not be normal.

[foxcassius]

i understand intellectually that those "asking people for help is better for the other people than flailing and drowning and refusing to let people help you" posts are inherently true statements. but i struggle to actually hold to them in real life which i think is bc of my former best friend constantly refusing to do things for me that i did for her. not necessarily the whole time but definitely around the time she stopped referring to me as her friend and started referring to me as her roommate, which, telling i guess. i just remember there were one or two days when i was in university that she asked me to wake up at like 5 or 6 am and drive her to her job in fort worth or somewhere before i went to my full day of university classes and work. and i did. because how else would she get there. and then a couple months later i was having car problems and i asked her to, for one day, drop me off at the university before she went to work. didn't ask her to edit her schedule in a major way, was fine being dropped off at like 6 am hours before any of my classes would start. she had to drive like right past the school anyway. and she said no. because she didn't want to wake up like 20 minutes earlier to account for the minor detour. and i know i should just accept to myself the fact that she was a selfish person, or maybe the nicer fact that she was drawing a boundary of some kind that just seemed really cold and heartless at the time. and i know i should do nice things for people without expecting anything in return in the first place. but thats like one example of the myriad things she did that did sort of make me go well. i guess people arent willing to help you. even people you still autistically think are your best friend because they never told you they weren't. so i have a hard time asking for help not really because it makes me look stupid or anything but more because its a waste of time if people will say no and i have to find my own way anyway. the girl who lives in my building asked me to pick her up from the train station late one night which was fine but on the way back she was like "if you ever need me to come get you, just ask!" and i was like "okie :)" but i never have. because there's an overwhelming chance she will say no, in my mind. i know she's perfectly nice and logically there is no reason she would refuse if she was at home and available. but in my mind texting her to ask for it takes time and waiting for her response takes time and i dont want to stand around in the cold just for her to say no when i can powerwalk up the mountain in ten minutes. conversely i am decent at asking my family for help because i know that due to the laws of whatever sibling relationship they feel we have, my brother saying no to a request doesnt mean he's backing out of our siblingship. and my dad saying no to a request doesnt mean he is backing out of his fatherhood. those are not things you can just back out of, i guess, to me. but her saying no to me over and over about everything was the main indicator of her backing out of our friendship that i was too idiot (undiagnosed autistic) to realize. so i kept doing things for her when she asked and she kept refusing me when i was in need. anyway this has been an episode of Therapy With Myself, tune in next time for. how to drop people with no warning because you finally realized they are treating you badly and maybe you should get better at communicating why you are dropping someone to them before you do it.

#to be fair though. no amount of trying to communicate with her about why i was exiting out friendship hard and fast would have #ended in anything other than her mad at me and blaming me for everything #and as ive stated on this blog before i dont think i never did anything wrong to her i just think she likes to place all blame on me #when both of us were wrong a lot of the time. #anyway i did try to explain to aubrey why i was pulling away post breakup. which was because he Could Not be normal. #but he didnt seem to understand what i was saying bc he kept breaking the boundaries #so i had to just. stop it all. #t