#anyway boy-in-girlbody mode is obvs easier to access given the givens‚ but

[aeide-thea]

i love and cherish my armpit hair (which i realize is like. Smacks of Hella Basic White Feminism, except, you know, possibly a little more complicated when it's for very extremely trans reasons), but the fact that it's so blond and wispy as to be almost invisible in photos is a serious disappointment to me every time

#if i could wave a wand and get fuzzier armpits i for sure would #non-vellus thigh/stomach hair ditto #chest hair is scarier but also pretty interesting #lotta uncertain confused feelings abt like. what changes i would and wouldn't want exactly #and of course the reality is that you can't really pick and choose #but like. being a fuzzier creature... wistful face #love my fuzzy calves a LOT. like. visually good‚ tactilely extremely good. comforting and satisfying to run my hands along. #like. idk. there's the piece of Gender that's abt perception and there's also the piece that's like. the body you wanna inhabit #i sort of feel like. i wanna be a boy in a girlbody and i wanna be a girl in a boybody #and like. you can't really do both those things simultaneously #(i mean like. you can if yr defining yr terms differently‚ which wld be valid) #(and i don't really totally endorse the way i'm using language here but like. ykwim) #anyway boy-in-girlbody mode is obvs easier to access given the givens‚ but #that mode has girl-in-boybody-mode body hair envy #anyway all of this is like. such rarefied world-of-pure-imagination stuff and it's like. is anyone even willing to meet me there tbh #maybe. outside chance of it. but am *i* willing to meet *them* there and to *ask* to be met there. ouf idk. scary scary scary vulnerable #and then of course i feel like feeling scared and shy is Intrinsically Feminine of me which is SO extremely bullshit #for so many reasons incl that every man i know and love is scared and shy sometimes if not often #(also incl. that plenty of women are confident and/or outgoing! which i feel like is more self-evident as an assertion but. #never hurts to both-sides yr objections to binarist stereotypes so yr not just centering men) #but it just feels like. do you remember those bodycon dresses years ago that had like. a smaller curvier silhouette on them #so there'd be like. the wearer's actual body & then the smaller curvier imagined body carved out of theirs by the colorblocking of the dress #and i feel like. there's whatever the essential 'me' is or was and then like. the more-feminine shape they got traumatically carved into #and now it's just like. any moves i might wanna make‚ i gotta make with the carved-up psyche that's the only psyche i've got #and it just immediately intrinsically undermines anything i might try #anyway. idk. these tags have gone a LOT of different places lol i just. mrrrh. #maybe the actual thing to do is worry less abt gender possibilities and more abt getting physically stronger. cultivate meatiness #good for all genders #anyway uh. apologies for the 4 AM spiral lol #embodiment (is violence)