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o412j · 7 years

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to you, a letter i'll never send.

#13. 160317. 1:15a.m. god, so much for " the last of my words to you ". i, number one at breaking these kind of promises. still, i don't think i'll ever be satisfied with everything i've ever written for you no matter how much, but let's hope i manage to get the most of everything i want to say out of my system this time. why am i even awake at this hour, honestly. 12:20am, four minutes away. ha. it was just yesterday when i forced myself to stay awake for two hours because i wanted to dedicate 12:24, only to realise i don't have any reason to anymore. how dumb can i be. anyway, i really hope i can keep my promise this time, for i think it's about time i get up and move on with life. it's been a month without you, and i think i have been sad long enough now. or do i. the fact that i have never mattered that much to you compared to how much you matter to me still stings, but that's life for me i guess. just gotta live with it, gotta let the truth sink into me that i've been holding onto nothing and let go for once and for all. if i were to be honest, i hate the way this unfolded. it instilled fear in me how someone can be staring into your eyes so fondly one day, and wake up realising that you're not the one they want the next. they want you to be happy, but they no longer want to be the person who makes you happy and loved. i guess all those " i promise i'll never let go ", " i'll never give up on us ", " i promise i'll never stop trying " promises were meant to be broken after all. the memory of me commenting on every little thing you made in the interactive blog is still etched in my mind, how the fact that you, who claims to be bad at expressing through writing, actually put in the effort to come up with all that for me, touched me so deeply. moonlight just began playing on shuffle what is this fate. i remember breaking down at two in the morning because i was so excited to rabbit with you after weeks that i even rushed through two reports and other homeworks on a friday night but my dad denied permission for me to use my computer at midnight and i was so frustrated for i was ordered harshly to sleep yet i didn't, instead i was on mobile for the next two hours, only to have him ask me to get on the computer after that. for some reason it made me break down; the way i got guilt tripped, i guess. i remember when we'd spend nine hours on rabbit just to watch sbs gayo daejun, getting frustrated because the livestreams wouldn't work after some time so i had to find different ones pretty often, having meals in front of the screen together, and then proceeding to watch signal and your disappointment in me when i revealed that i wasn't watching almost the whole time because i kept focusing on the comments you'd make every now and then, and the fact that hit me was i sought solace in your presence. how can i focus on anything else when you're around. aha. good ol' days, weren't those. i've never felt happier in my entire life, believe it or not. because never have i not felt worthless, even for a moment. i've never been anyone's " main ", i'm always their backup person or one of their unpreferred options at best. ironically though, i'm suddenly a priority when i'm needed for whatever reason there is. but you made it different for me; you made me feel like i'm worth something, like i'm more than just an option, like for once, maybe, just maybe, i actually matter. to someone. guess that's all buried along with what we used to be now. you know, i'd be lying if i were to say i regret this. because i don't. i could never. i will never. it was what i wanted at that point of time, and if i were given a shot at turning back time and remake my decision, i'd still choose you. i'd choose you over and over again, even if you don't think you deserve it, even if you don't think you're good enough. because trust me, you were more than good enough, you still are, and no matter how much you or anyone else tell me (re: something along the lines of " you deserve the best/all the happiness you can get/someone who gives you their everything), all it does is it just makes me want to yell that they don't understand, i don't give two fucks about what i deserve because all i want is you. did i just contradict the point of this entire letter, what is getting up and continuing living my life because it still goes on without you. anyway. did you know that at some point in my life, you were practically the reason i was breathing at that moment? flashback to the times when i'd only go to sleep in the morning, wake up at midday, have only a meal daily, barely drank water and slothed my days away. i quite literally existed to spend time with you then. you nagging me almost everytime we talked made me feel awful, because what, do i exist to burden you or something? that was one of the reasons i decided i'd get my life together; not because i was annoyed by your nagging (heck, this is such an ugly thing to say but i was really moved. " wow, someone actually cares for me? this is new. "), but because i didn't want you to worry, and i didn't want to be a nuisance to you. i ended up staying up every night after that and only got four hours of sleep at most after that, however. was worth it, though. remember that pact we made in february, where we both wanted to start exercising and you made me promise to stay hydrated? well, i'm still abiding by that pact. probably not the latter, but yeah. and i hope you are too. you know, the main reason i only began being productive was the line that i kept repeating to myself, that i get to spend more time with you the earlier i get everything done. that was pretty much the driving factor that made me leave my procrastinating ways behind. you know, one of the reasons i have my eyes set on a big goal is because i wanted to make you proud. you see, you gave me purpose in ways more than one. i basically transitioned from someone who doesn't even want to live for a second longer, someone who couldn't get out of bed for at least 4 hours upon waking up, someone who outright refused to even live like a proper, functioning human to someone who puts in her 110% in everything, who tries her best to be a more balanced individual, who has a target set and will stop at nothing to achieve it. you made me want to be a better person in general. " maybe then i'll actually be the tiniest bit worthy of you. " you gave me what felt like a lifetime of happiness within 55 days and i can never thank you enough for that. it just comes off as a shame to me how things ended just when i brave myself to pour our my heart and soul to someone, just when i think the time has finally come for me to be happy. but, well. life goes on. it's not like the world is going to stop turning and the clock is going to stop ticking and the earth is going to stop rotating just because i feel torn apart. that being said, i have to, and i want to pick myself back up and find a new purpose in life. ‌actually stab me in the heart anything that doesn't sound lovelorn in this long ass letter is half meant.

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