#and watching that buildup towards what seemed like an inevitable fate as a bnf someday in some fandom soon

[hua-fei-hua]

*lying in the dirt staring at the starry night sky* i think the secret to maintaining a good name online is to simply not share personal information, block the haters n libelers, and have a social life outside the internet

#and also to not make 'discourse' your personality bc god knows we have enough bitches in fandom milk-fed on internet discourse #in other words i'm having thoughts on big name fan...hood? -ishness? i'm not sure but anyway That and how it's dehumanizing #there's an essay from 2006 i'm rereading (i will clarify that i did not read it in 2006. i did not have access to the internet in 2006) #about why no one ever wants to admit they're a big name fan; as written by someone who has come to terms w/their bnf status #and it's got this kind of tongue-in-cheek vibe to it and the advice it gives; like it was written by someone completely exhausted by it #or who has seen what it does to a person firsthand and needs to vent about it while also making sure people take it seriously #i want to say it's almost like that kind of dire gallows humor where you know no matter what you say you Will have haters on your ass #it sounds vain to say that i was ever a bnf anywhere. but i can't say i never had a name at all anywhere #and watching that buildup towards what seemed like an inevitable fate as a bnf someday in some fandom soon #it's part of the complex cocktail that motivates my anonymity in gnshn #bc i've had my ideas treated as untouchable; my writing treated as The Way to present a premise (both accounts towards orchid) #i'm glad i've never had like. a parasocial experience or anything where in trying to compliment my writing they compliment my person instead #the uncertainty of my person that comes w/anonymity is such a reprieve tho. to draw attn when i deliberately play down anything #that i feel might bring it makes what i receive more earned n more focused on what i want to talk abt (the writing) #there are def some things that can only be understood through time and watching your own history grow n build n connect w/others #until you are suddenly made acutely aware that you do not exist in a vacuum is one of them #and i understand the urge to cut most if not all of it away and start anew bc that *is* terrifying in all honesty #花話