#and they've devoted to each other because they recognize that heart and that wild goodness in each other and they adore it

[carefulfears]

tbh i think a lot of the conflict in never again comes from mulder's complete unwillingness to recognize scully's "sunk cost" or the permanence and depth of her involvement.

she asks, "why don't i have a desk?" and she's saying, i am here. i belong here, i take up space here, i am settled here. why don't our lives reflect that?

but in a room with one desk and one nameplate, there is one casualty.

so he says, "you were just assigned, this work is my life."

when you're just assigned, you can still leave.

a year later, after antarctica, he tells her, "i'm not gonna watch you die, scully, because of some hollow personal cause of mine. go be a doctor."

but mulder is "professionally in denial," he wants to believe, he'll search for something that he will never find and try to save someone that he will never save for the rest of his life; so when she asks "why don't i have a desk?" and she says "it has become mine," he freezes like a deer in headlights.

when you're just assigned, you can still leave. that aspect of choice (fate vs. free will) is critical, but he needs her to stay. he doesn't want to do this alone, like he tells her in that hallway a year later. so they sit in silence.

she was not just assigned. she's lost family members. she's lost time. she's lost health and autonomy and faith. she's nearly lost her life. and she's committed, over and over. she's followed, over and over. she has given, over and over. she has chosen, over and over and over.

but he can't separate the inherent loss in this journey from his own "hollow personal cause," so he nails himself to the cross over and over, and they sit in silence.

it reminds me of years later, after she buried him, when she walks him back into his apartment after six months gone. and she tries to tell him how hard it was. what it was like to hear that he was missing, to search for him, to find him dead. what it's like to have him back.

she looks a suicidal man in the eye and tells him that his life is her "answered prayer," and she cries and whispers "mulder..." when he dismisses it with a joke.

he cannot acknowledge how unbelievably difficult that was for her, to lose him, because it would mean acknowledging that it matters whether he lives or dies. it would mean acknowledging that it matters when he goes running back out that door that night, leaves her "completely beside herself" and once again praying.

he cannot acknowledge that this work has become her life, that she is irrevocably enmeshed in this world, and therefore he denies her recognition that she deserves a place next to him there. he denies her recognition that what she's invested matters, that this is more than an assignment, that she has sacrificed and contributed. so she burns the truth into her back, and they sit in silence.

#her ass is NOT escaping that ouroboros #i love the way that like...they're both such deeply kind and genuinely good people #and they've dedicated their lives to doing such good and they've sacrificed for it #and they've devoted to each other because they recognize that heart and that wild goodness in each other and they adore it #they are each other's favorite person and all they want to do is save the world #but they're flawed too and they're dark in some ways and they falter on occasion #i love that about this story that it is about mulder and scully being 'the light in dark places' and being nearly unfailingly righteous #but they have rough edges #txf.txt #never again