#and then when they're actually in the empty house and he reaches for Holmes to make sure he's still there | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mariana-oconnor · 10 months

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The Empty House pt 2

Last time on Letters from Watson: a gambler was shot in a locked room, a detective rose from the dead and brandy once more proved itself the true panacea.

This time, we are eagerly awaiting the explanation for Holmes' miraculous reappearance.

"He drew no weapon, but he rushed at me and threw his long arms around me."

So romantic.

"We tottered together upon the brink of the fall."

Look... tottered is not an ominous word. It just isn't. It brings to mind small children, the elderly, and drunk people. 'Tottered' is an amusing word. It amuses me. Usually these descriptions are very visceral and dramatic and moving, but the word 'tottered' just throws me right out.

"I have some knowledge, however, of baritsu, or the Japanese system of wrestling, which has more than once been very useful to me."

Or maybe you're referring to bartitsu? Which is an 'actual' martial art. Or... at the very least the British approximation at one.

I always thought this was made up, honestly, until not very long ago when I learnt there was an actual thing made up for English gentlemen. the pictures are very silly.

"With my face over the brink I saw him fall for a long way. Then he struck a rock, bounded off, and splashed into the water.”

"So rapidly does the brain act that I believe I had thought this all out before Professor Moriarty had reached the bottom of the Reichenbach Fall."

I see being dead did nothing for your ego, Holmes. It has survived completely intact.

"I might, it is true, have reversed my boots, as I have done on similar occasions"

I want to know how this works. Feet are very much... feet shaped. Ankles are definitively at one end of the foot. Boots are designed with this in mind. How does one put on a pair of boots backwards. Walking backwards, I can see, but putting your shoes on so the toe is at the heel? Maybe if you're wearing ballet pumps or something like that with a very wide opening. But walking boots?

How?

"There I was stretched when you, my dear Watson, and all your following were investigating in the most sympathetic and inefficient manner the circumstances of my death. “At last, when you had all formed your inevitable and totally erroneous conclusions, you departed for the hotel and I was left alone."

Not even death can prevent Holmes from throwing shade at other investigators. 'inefficient'? "Erroneous" They're coming to the conclusions you arranged for them to come to.

"I took to my heels, did ten miles over the mountains in the darkness...,"

Don't try this at home, kids.

No really... do not attempt to make a ten mile trek over the alps in the dark. Just don't. Mountain rescue will not thank you.

"As to Mycroft, I had to confide in him in order to obtain the money which I needed."

You mean with your prodigious skills and intellect you couldn't work out any other way to make money. Like... get a job? Also, literally the first thing everyone knows about faking your own death is that you don't contact anyone from your old life. It's rule number one. Don't do it. This is basic stuff, Holmes. I expected better of you.

Always nice to get a Mycroft reference, though.

Florence, Tibet, Persia, Khartoum, Montpelier, Holmes really was out there doing the world tour on his family money while Watson thought he was dead. Classic. It's like canoe man all over again.

"I came over at once to London, called in my own person at Baker Street, threw Mrs. Hudson into violent hysterics, and found that Mycroft had preserved my rooms and my papers exactly as they had always been."

Let me get this straight.

You're in contact with your brother the whole time, who is sending you money

You do high profile things that are relevant to your previous interests (visiting the Dalai Lama/exploration under the name of Sigerson/short but interesting visit to the Khalifa of Khartoum that the foreign office needs to know about/scientific research in Montpelier)

The first thing you do when you're back in the country is go to your former residence with no disguise and reveal your not-dead status to your landlady (poor Mrs Hudson does not deserve this).

There is no way anyone other than Watson thinks you're dead at this point. You have literally checked every box of the 'How Not to Survive Witness Protection' checklist. Congratulations, Holmes. You are bad at being dead. Just casually putting up posters everywhere you go that say 'Sherlock Holmes woz ere'.

I don't know how he survived three years, smh.

Also, the fact that he had already thrown Mrs Hudson into 'violent hysterics' and then went and made Watson faint makes that whole thing worse. I get that it's at least in part misogyny, but did you really need to repeat that experiment, Holmes?

In some manner he had learned of my own sad bereavement, and his sympathy was shown in his manner rather than in his words.

RIP Mary Watson (nee Morstan), we hardly knew you. And honestly, neither did your husband.

I observed that as he stepped out he gave a most searching glance to right and left, and at every subsequent street corner he took the utmost pains to assure that he was not followed.

You literally went to Baker Street, Holmes. This is too little, too late. The horse has already bolted, stop locking the doors. I do know that this is all part of your master plan, but given that you were stupid about secrecy the entire time you were away, it's difficult to tell where you started laying a trap and when you were just being dumb.

As my eyes fell upon it I gave a gasp and a cry of amazement. The blind was down and a strong light was burning in the room. The shadow of a man who was seated in a chair within was thrown in hard, black outline upon the luminous screen of the window.

“The credit of the execution is due to Monsieur Oscar Meunier, of Grenoble, who spent some days in doing the moulding. It is a bust in wax.”

Sherlock Holmes here to remind you to always credit the original artist.

"You must remember that they knew, and only they knew, that I was still alive."

And yet they somehow did not keep track of Mycroft sending money overseas? I get that the Holmes boys are geniuses, but still. As previously mentioned, Holmes has not been subtle here. The bad guys are bad at their jobs. Shame on them. Shame on their cows.

"But I cared a great deal for the much more formidable person who was behind him, the bosom friend of Moriarty, the man who dropped the rocks over the cliff, the most cunning and dangerous criminal in London."

Who knew you were alive, but still somehow couldn't put together the myriad clues you were joyously dropping all over the planet for him. Full offence, but he's not that cunning.

"That is the man who is after me to-night, Watson, and that is the man who is quite unaware that we are after him.”

Anybody have a kernel of suspicion about who that might be?

#Sherlock Holmes #The Empty House #Letters from Watson #Long post #No I will not apologise #that was a quality pun

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