#and then we kept going to ohio in like march so my odds were 50-50
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I LOVE CLOSETS.
This is not brought to you by Marie Kondo. One, she doesn’t know me and two, I have yet to watch her show. I will, one day.
There is something about January that just makes you want to start fresh. Since my daughter was born last March, I have been trying to reduce the amount of shit we have in this house. I could make a poop joke here but it seems unoriginal and I can’t think of one. Anyhow, when you have children, I feel like you soon realize how much crap you have in your house that you just don’t need. We’re making progress and getting somewhere but damn, it’s a MOTHER F’IN PROCESS.
Closets. Now, closets are something that have always plagued me. Did I use that word correctly? Maybe! I’m sure we would all love the pleasure of building our own closet but usually we gotta work with what we got. You know, like with butts or boobs. That kind of thing.
When we first moved into our house, we had all this extra space for two people so I turned one of the rooms into a closet room. Typing that out just sounds...sad? No judgement to people who one or who love them but I realize now that having a room dedicated to clothing just gave me a reason to buy, buy, buy. Buy things I didn’t need, buy things because they were cheap, or buy things because I thought I “needed” them to fill some void in my closet. Maybe everyone doesn't need a little black dress OR a striped shirt OR 100 pairs of shoes. The room that used to house all my clothes now houses my son. Wow, having kids is a blessing! He inspired me to start getting rid of all this STUFF. THANK YOU, WALTER.
Anyhow, now my husband and I share a closet and a dresser. Isn’t that sexy? I’ve started getting rid of things in over time. I feel like I have purged my closet two-three times this year. I’ve had to get rid of things in stages because the purging things all at once doesn’t seem to work for me. I feel like I’ve finally gotten to a place where I can see what I wear, what I like and what I really need in my closet for me and my lifestyle.
I stay at home with my kids and work from home a couple hours a week. My style is mostly casual, I like to have a few pieces here and there where I can snaz up an outfit. I am finally at a place where I am enjoying what I have and getting so excited to wake up and get dressed in the morning. Also, I feel like I'm at a place where I don’t take in those “10 items EVERY closet NEEDS”. I used to follow those religiously and now I can see what I wear and what I really need to add in my closet for ME. 22 year old Sara Booshie didn’t know shit. She just bought bags of clothes from the thrift store and thought since I bought everything CHEAP that I was winning at life. Some of that may have been true but in the end, you just end up with a bunch of shit that never truly gets worn.
Blah blah blah. Here are some of my tips for cleaning out a closet and keeping your style clean, clear and fresh.
-1 in 1 out. I’m really trying to do this so I don’t end up with 50 of the same item. I worked for a shoe retailer for 10 years and had a bunch of shoes because of the amazing employee discount. Because of the deals I got on shoes I had A LOT of shoes. An unnecessary amount, most of which didn’t get worn. So I started a new rule. 1 shoe in 2 shoes out. I want to get to a place where I have a good 20 shoe collection. For whatever reason that number sounds good to me. I’m in the 40s right now and it’s getting easier and easier to get rid of the excess things I don’t need and don’t wear. It’s a nice rule and since that rule helped me with my shoes, I try to apply it to the rest of my closet. Mainly when I am replacing an item.
-I’m being mindful of the things I’m putting into my closet. For instance, I’ve been on the hunt for a spring raincoat for a while. Something light and rain resistant. I found this great jacket last week and once I got it home, I took out my old light jacket and put the new one in it’s place. I probably took a few months (which is weird) researching coats. Went to stores, tried them on a few times, read many (many) reviews until I found one that I love. I find that when I’m seeing items that I'm missing from my closet I want that new item that I introduce to my wardrobe to be quality items. I don’t mind spending good money if I'm going to wear it. Now, every new item doesn’t have to cost a lot of money but I don’t mind spending money on a few items. CPW (cost per wear) goes a long way. My raincoat I purchased at JCrew. It was $120 with 25% off, I think it ended up being $96 and if I wear that coat 8 times I’m down to $12 a wear. I plan on having that coat for the next 15 years, the CPW is gonna be so low!!!!!
-I know a lot of people say to get rid of items you don’t wear but I don’t fully believe it that. I have a little section in my closet of “special items”. I have a few vintage pieces, some old clothes of my moms from the 70s, a few items I loved and wore in high school, my wedding shoes! Just a handful of items that spark a special memory in my mind. I will not be getting rid of those things. They are staying and NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE!
-Clean out the clutter in stages. Again, I know everyone says to purge all at once but I've had to purge a few times to get to a place where I feel really good about what I have. Every time I purge, it helps me see my closet in a different way and see more items that I don’t need and can get rid of. It also helps me see what I'm missing. It’s nice and comforting which is an odd thing to say but its the truth. Did I spell it’s/its correctly? Probably not.
-This one is important. DON’T BUY SHIT JUST BECAUSE IT’S CHEAP. Now, if it’s something that you love and it’s in your size and you’ve been hunting that item, well then, that’s the universe rewarding you. But if it’s a fuzzy purple sweater at target thats a little big but you can make it work because you LIKE it to be oversized, walk the fuck away from that damn sweater. Look, I've made so many purchases because something was OMG SO CHEAP and at that moment, you think “I'm saving money, I’m smart!” but you really end up wasting your money. Good money. A few instances, an item surprises you and you wear the crap out of it but more than often it sits in your closet and you end up donating it.
-I stopped buying Target clothes because those seemed to be the items that I kept donating when I purged my closet. I still buy accessories, under garments and some shoes but clothes and shoes are something I really stopped and you know what I still find plenty of other things to spend my money on in that place.
-I don’t do seasonal closets. When I had a seasonal bin, I would throw everything in there and put it in the attic. Since I live in Ohio and our weather is fucking erratic, I would forget the bin was up there and not get it down and then already buy new things for that season and then have all this extra crap. Half of which I didn’t wear. Now, everything is in my closet at the same time and you know what, I can see it all. I love it. I know what I have and when one day is 35 degrees and the next is 80 degrees, I am prepared!
-I really love reading about capsule wardrobes. I love seeing curated collections and filling out the questionnaires to get a better understanding of what my style looks like on paper. HOWEVER, I don’t like putting a specific # on my wardrobe. To me, a wardrobe and style should have a feeling. If having a specific # works for you, then that’s what you should do! I like the 30x30 Remix to shake up your wardrobe if you need a little inspiration but I have found that limiting myself only makes me want to go out and buy everything.
Just a few things I’ve thought about and wrote down recently. This post is long and repetitive but you know what, no one reads this and that is nice.
PEACE.
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hey! do all the cute questions you want to do 💙
1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?
More cereal than milk, I don’t like drinking the cereal milk afterwards
2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?
Hell yeah it makes me feel alive
3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?
Hall passes
4: how do you take your coffee/tea?
Black or with raw honey for tea, sometimes a bit of sugar or creamer with coffee but I refuse to put milk in my tea
5: are you self-conscious of your smile?
Eh, I kinda like it tbh. I got the stupid crooked smile, it just looks bad in pics
6: do you keep plants?
I try but Ohio is the worst. I want to keep some succulents and cacti.
7: do you name your plants?
Occasionally, I had three succulents and one had a name, I think it was Via or something else with a v
8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?
Mostly drawing but sometimes writing. If I’m feelin “free” I play really distorted guitar or bass and if I’m sad I can play a mean flute
9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?
I love singing in general man
10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?
Equal between side and back even if I am restless, I cannot do stomach
11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?
Nobody speaks Italian dipshit
12: what’s your favorite planet?
Uranus, no not because of anus jokes, it’s my dominant planet and it’s also just neat. I like saturn too.
13: what’s something that made you smile today?
Playing donkey with a few people at GSA
14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?
Lots of animals, 100% we would have two sphinxes and a snake, art and instruments everywhere
15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!
I don’t need to google it lmao, I took astronomy last semester. It’s a pretty basic one but Uranus is on its side
16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?
Ravioli boiiiiiiiiiii
17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?
I wanna try real dark blue
18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.
I mean Nick likes to quote me, “I drown my sorrows in latin pop”
19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?
I keep a really inconsistent journal. It’s mostly writing but like three sketches are in it.
20: what’s your favorite eye color?
Brown, needs more love
21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.
My marching band sling bag which is fucked up and has been almost everywhere with me since the summer of 2016, its been covered in mud, burnt, almost shredded with a pocket knife, almost fell into the middle of a lake
22: are you a morning person?
Not at all
23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?
Play video games in the morning and wander around with Mack when he’s up for it
24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?
Mack
25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?
I’ve broken into kiddie pools in the middle of the night multiple times
26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?
My grey street style converse
27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?
Cinnamon bby
28: sunrise or sunset?
Sunset
29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?
He’ll say something rude then immediately say “Sorry I love you”
30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?
God yeah, I don’t really remember the situation but I remember the feeling
31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.
I don’t like socks but I refuse to wear tennis or dress shoes without them cuz of my nail phobia. The colors don’t matter unless I’m going to something formal. I cannot sleep with socks unless I’m freezing my ass off
32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.
Mack and I couldn’t sleep during my birthday party and we decided to go check the pool times and got locked out of the room and the other two were asleep so we sat in the hall for about an hour
33: what’s your fave pastry?
Macarons, I love poffertjes but they aren’t really a pastry
34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?
I still have Purple Kitty from when I was little, the fabric on him is tough af like why is he made of that
35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?
I like a nice pen and stationary set with a wax seal too but I don’t use them often enough to own anything
36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?
I’m really neutral rn but I’m listening to blackbear
37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?
It’s not a matter of liking it but my room is really messy
38: tell us about your pet peeves!
Misophonia a bitch man. I’m also really aggressive about it being zo-ology not zoo-ology, venomous not poisonous, saying snakes are slimy, shit like that
39: what color do you wear the most?
Pfft black
40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?
I have Opa’s dog tags and the ring I got on Kelley’s Island
41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?
When the Moon Was Ours
42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!
I don’t, I’ve only really been to Starbucks
43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?
It wasn’t stargazing but I did comment on the stars the other night with Audra, Nick, and Mack while they talked about how fucking cursed Falls is. The last real stargazing I did was with Kennedy this summer.
44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?
The other day, it only lasted a little bit before Carson ruined it. Dove sounds are calming.
45: do you trust your instincts a lot?
No, I overanalyze everything
46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.
I’m really bad at puns oops. I don’t think it counts as a pun but one of my favorite jokes is people who don’t understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways that I cannot put into words.
47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?
Fucking green beans
48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?
I mean I’ve always been afraid of chickens and had a nail phobia
49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?
I like it but I haven’t for awhile. I honestly can’t remember it.
50: what’s an odd thing you collect?
Disney funkos but it isn’t that odd, I like the bat stuffed animals with the loops on the back
51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?
Brown Eyed Girl and Crazy Little Thing Called Love for a girl that people I know irl will immediately recognize
52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?
Finally some good fucking food is a good one, absolute unit, Mine, sKINNY LEGEND
53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?
I haven’t seen Heathers or Pulp Fiction but the others are Quality
54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?
Mack
55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?
I’ve chewed up a leaf to prove it wasn’t plastic, drank a cup of sweet and sour sauce, shoved a cucumber down my throat, a lot of weird shit
56: what are some things you find endearing in people?
I like listening to people get excited over things
57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?
It makes me sad because of grief I’m not listening to it
58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?
Nick is wine mom for all his tea. Mack is vodka aunt because we’re dumbasses together, we’re gonna be each others’ kids’ cool uncle.
59: what’s your favorite myth?
Honestly I have no fucking clue, Caeneus is neat
60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?
I’m not a huge fan of poetry but I can appreciate it, Poe is a main mans
61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?
I like to give people bad sketches. I got a leaf once.
62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?
I don’t usually have juice but if I do it’s orange
63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?
Oof I’m a huge mess
64: what color is the sky where you are right now?
Blue I think but I can’t get to a window rn
65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?
Micah or Uzii and Abbas
66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?
I like natural ones, I made a daisy and wild clover one that was almost perfect, it needed some kinda bigger flower
67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?
I like them a lot
68: what’s winter like where you live?
Freezing and comes out of nowhere, once I wore shorts and a tank top one day and my winter coat the next
69: what are your favorite board games?
I don’t really play board games but I like donkey, a card game
70: have you ever used a ouija board?
No, I usually watch my friends when they use one and laugh at them when they freak out
71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?
I like english breakfast and green, especially the kind they have at hibachi but it’s only available for restaurants
72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?
God yeah but I don’t do it.
73: what are some of your worst habits?
Biting my nails, retelling stories, there’s a lot more
74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.
A pseudo-skater, loved more than they think, supportive like nobody else, knows just how to make me feel better, possum kid, rat parent, this ungendered thing is difficult, angry, accidentally yells shit they shouldn’t
75: tell us about your pets!
I’ve got Petey, an anxious boston that’s going grey too early, Pete aka Little Bear, a frenchie that licks too much and looks like your stereotypical black french bulldog, Petunia aka Bug, a nutcase boston with a white face and black ears with a little bit of white on the ends, and Pig, a frenchie that likes biting noses with one floppy ear and bug eyes that doesn’t look like a dog. There’s also Dabb our uromastyx. I call him a scaly puppy because he is.
76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?
Finishing a final
77: pink or yellow lemonade?
Pink
78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?
HATE
79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?
It’s not really the kind of cute this means but I was upset, leaned on Mack, said I felt like shit, and he made me let him hug me normally without saying a word. I got a lot of good hugs during the cast dinner bc when I cry I don’t stop and everyone who looks at me cries. Damian prob was the cutest cuz he’s usually more reserved emotionally and was really wild but then he was quiet and sad.
80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?
Pink, teal, and purple. I hate it.
81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.
Oof I forget what his eyes look like oops. I knew someone with eyes the color of deep tunnels in that dark wet clay earth with flecks of gold and stripes like tree bark
82: are/were you good in school?
Ehhhh, I’m not good at turning things in
83: what’s some of your favorite album art?
I like a lot of blackbear’s stuff
84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?
I have a lot of plans like the cadmium symbol, a cosmo, a calavera, a snake diagram, a hyena, a testosterone molecule
85: do you read comics? what are your faves?
I read some stuff on webtoon like Darbi, Lackadaisy, and Lil Char and the Gang
86: do you like concept albums? which ones?
I didn’t know that was a like a thing, I thought that was just how some albums are
87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?
Coco damnit, also Stand By Me
88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?
I really love pop art
89: are you close to your parents?
I guess? They’ve just got personalities I don’t really like
90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.
Pittsburgh babey!!!!! I love the hills and the style of houses and the energy of those people that bleed black and gold and the yinzers I can understand perfectly and the mountains that are so easy to get to and the art scene and the zoo and primantis and aaaaaaaaaah I love Pittsburgh.
91: where do you plan on traveling this year?
Pittsburgh and L.A. like always. Going to Disneyworld for a band trip spring break.
92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?
Only a tiny bit
93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?
Pompadour mohawk
94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?
Oof most recent I think was my art teacher Miss Harry
95: what are your plans for this weekend?
Prom
96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?
I procrastinate so bad dude
97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?
ENTP, aquarius sun, gryffindor
98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?
A couple months ago I did the gorge for the first time. I haven’t gone on a good hike for awhile and it upsetting. I love hiking so much.
99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.
Blackbird, Here Comes the Sun, For Forever, This Is Home, there’s a fair amount
100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? Why?
Go back five years and tell myself to not talk to A and to just accept myself earlier, it’ll life better, to join wrestling, to ask her out, to just do shit, stop hesitating. To talk to Mack, he’ll be one of the greatest people you’ll ever meet. Give Cadmium all the love you can. Tell Opa you love him and spend more time with him.
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“‘Call the police’, cause I been arrested for an improper display of rockin’!” LCD Soundsystem at the Masonic Temple, Detroit
So, when I got notified of the “early bird sale” for this show waaaay back when in June,, I whipped out my plastic as I am wont to do without thinking…. of course I did. Because… James Murphy, and one of my favorite bands of all time. I consider LCD Soundsystem my Depeche Mode 2.0, and for anyone who knows me that’s all the summation that needs.
Well, because when you get old, time moves in a different way (as in, faster), summer basically didn’t happen, and before I knew it, it was time to hit the road to Detroit. I was beyond stoked, and played my favorite classics all morning as I finished up some work…. North American Scum, Losing My Edge (probably my favorite lyrics of any song,* and even more pointed AND poignant as an aging creative in my industry. Like, I GET that song: “But I was THERE!”
Anyway- Russ (so game! So indulgent of my schedule dictations and crazy plans!) and I made our escape in the Escape and off we went. We checked into an Air B & B 3 hours later that seemed KIND of sketchy but was “actually really, really nice.”* We poured some warm vodka into a solo cup I had brought along in my bag just in case (it pays to be prepared, and I can be weird about other peoples’ dishes) and about an hour later, after playing tunes and sitting on the bed looking at each other, we summoned an Uber and went to the Whitney, a gorgeous 1800′s mansion converted into a restaurant, dessert parlor, gardens, etc. When Russ saw the white tablecloths he looked at me with wide eyes and said, “Holy shit” and promptly covered his “God Save the Queen” sex pistols shirt with a classy flannel. We agonized in stage whispers how to plan, mesh and merge our overeating vs. cocktailing- (Russ said somewhat accusingly: “THE LAST TIME YOU HAD A FULL FISH DINNER COMPLETE WITH SIDES AND BREAD YOU WENT HOME AND SLEPT”) along with figuring our budget for this meal, which there was none. So, I ordered a crab cake (playing it off with a coquettish “Oh, I don’t have much of an appetite!” to the waiter), and kept asking for more bread.
Yes, I’m cutting to the chase, but I like to add a little background flavor to my “reviews” (which are turning into stories.) Anyway, we ate our way to a pleasant satisfaction, NOT stuffage (key to a good evening.) We left the Whitney and popped into another Uber and got dropped off in front of the imposing, castle-like Masonic Temple theatre (the largest in the world.) It was about 7:30, and the line already snaked around the building. As we exited our Uber, we were met by my fellow LCD fan and Columbus-ite, Kerrie, and her BFF Dani, who had also road-tripped up. We gathered together and moved simultaneously in a clump until we reached the front doors and presented our tickets.
Inside was already a bit of pandemonium. The auditorium was the size of the indoor LC, (oops, Express Live) with the ornate-ness of the Ohio Theatre, with arches leading through to aisleways into the venue and beverage/snack counters like the Schott or any basketball arena.. Kerrie and Dani had balcony seats so up they went, and Russ and I made our way to the floor. (Earlier Russ had asked, “Is there an opener?” I had said, “I bet there will just be a DJ” and bingo.) Thudding bass beats blasted into the auditorium, and I rocked out with my Rum and Diet once we found a seat. Get this. Our seats were on the aisle, second row from the floor. (The whole show was GA, and I couldn’t believe what a great spot we got.) It was like being on the floor, but– I could see better because we were elevated a bit OVER the floor, and I could sit if I damn well chose to do so.
The DJ spun, the floor in front of us filled, and before I knew it the place was maxium capacity, with people even spilling into the aisles. A wisp of smoke, a darkened stage, and the screams began… as the opening notes of the first track off their new album, “Oh Baby” filtered into our eardrums. The build of swirling, tinkling keys sounded like a fairy tale, or Tinkerbell, or making one feel they should be standing in a darkened field with stars swirling dizzingly around them in sparkling rotation.
I was agog at taking in the sight of James Murphy (and all his gear!), my shaggy-haired hero. Who IS this odd genius, cool yet mad, hipster yet pushing 50, dapper yet rough, a singer/songwriter/drummer/pianist/programmer/DJ/mixmaster? Such a hodgepodge of talent, so much so that I can’t pin him down with a word. He almost seemed as if he was the maestro of an orchestra, or big-band leader at a supper club, in his white shirt and black jacket (and black jeans). For the entire show, he was the beacon on the stage that everyone revolved around. Even when laying down the most danceable beats, he stood tall and composed, a beam of light shining upon him.
After the magical vibe of “Oh Baby” faded away, the band launched into a rapid-fire, doubletime, raw take on “Daft Punk is Playing at My House”, causing a frenzy of moshing and screaming. The stage turned red under the lights, fists were pumped, and a cowbell made a bold and badass appearance:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLWUIy0dvTk&feature=youtu.be
“Call the Police”, with its deep bass riff toward the end (ba bum bum bum da da ad DA da, repeat) slayed the crowd; like “Daft Punk…”, the tempo was amped considerably. In fact, most songs were played with a driving, energetic urgency, almost as if the band couldn’t keep up with themselves. Everything was spot-on… clear vocals, an assured presence, drummers that bounced up and down as they slammed the sticks– James hit every high note with thoughtful preparation… (’we don’t waste time with…love”). He commands this song with Bono-like intensity. (I think he sounds like Bono on a lot of the new album, if you must know).
Get Innocuous, You Wanted a Hit, ferocious and fun, blasted out next. And then, I made a critical error. Fateful, dare I say. Like Icarus soaring cockily to the sun, because I have done this hundreds of times before with no negative consequence… I left to “bring back drinks.”
I headed up the packed aisle and walked down the marble steps to the basement- the quickest and closest bar. I pulled my sweaty 20 from my bosom and got a bottle of water, a Pabst (lol) for Russ, and a rum and diet. After waiting 10 minutes, I gathered my sundries and climbed back upstairs, finding my entry way to “aisle 3.” And I was met by a wall of bodies. No, more like..a CONE of bodies, packing every square, breathable atom of space and air from the top of the entryway down to the floor. My 5′2 self, carrying three beverages, pushed boldly on, and then confusedly, and then feebly. The oxygen was sucked from my lungs, I was being eaten alive by warm, sweaty, douchebag bodies as they sucked me in the Upside Down like Barb. My cracking, forlorn, yet agitated voice called “RUSS..” (dear God, why. The auditorium was powering out decibels with the same power of the sun.) It was so dark, so loud, so packed, I didn’t even know where I was heading. To top it all off, in the cruelest sense of irony, during my time of woe the band was blissfully singing their gentlest, saddest song, “Someone Great.” As I pushed and sloshed through the Upside Down of bodies, my wrists wet from rum, a ragged sob burst forth from my throat. I sensed I was getting close to the floor… and then I was being grabbed and clawed, some colossal dickhead grabbing the neck of my shirt to keep me from getting through, grabbing my drink and spilling it, and then his friends laughing – I felt I was in a fucking funhouse hall of horrifying mirrors. Like, if it was a movie, I would have seen their faces in slow mo moving toward me with deep, slowed-down, “HA, HA, HA’s.” Somehow, I found myself on the floor, which meant I had bypassed my second row seat. As the haunting lyrics, “when someone great is gone… when someone great is gone…” were being sung, in a weird way I trying to listen to it I was pissed I was missing it, while the rest of me was painfully aware I had no idea how to find Russ. Would Russ be singing those lines about me when I never returned? I wondered forlornly. A girl yelled - “YOU’RE ON THE FLOOR” and I stared at her blankly and yelled back, “I’M ON THE FLOOR?” All my instincts could do was send me away from the floor. Like a penguin on their programmed quest for winter food, I marched back toward the packed aisle. My foot felt a step up- I had made the front row. My eyes scanned the seats, and finally I saw Russ standing. I shoved my way into any available hole that a human body made as it stood next to another human body it was not connected to, and I slithered my way to my (unbelievably) still-empty seat. I collapsed, tossed Russ his pabst, and wiped an exhausted, emotional , drunken tear from my cheek, barely able to blurt: “I WAS ASSAULTED AND THE AISLE WAS PACKED.” I then slammed the remaining droplets at the bottom of my spilled drink.
SO, YEAH! ‘Someone Grea’t was… great. (It really was. I was hyperaware of it as I was going through my trauma.) Once settled, though, I shook it off, and danced with vigor at Yr City’s a Sucker and Tonite, Tonite (which sounds like a Daft Punk song. Ironic? Discuss.).
“We’re going to the bathroom, then we’re coming back,” James informed the crowd, so we settled down a bit because I had a feeling that Dance Yrself Clean may be one of the encores… I was not disappointed! It put a worthwhile capper on the whole evening. “Ahhh ahhhhhh, ahhh ahhh….” rang out the harmonies, with the chirpy RD2-D2 synth sounds peppering underneath, and then, the big, bold, reverb-y breakdown…. ahhhh! Washed clean. Danced clean.
Here I am, sweaty with the abovementioned cleanse. I look like I’ve been through the “wringer”, so to speak. Hot mess!:
(as my POS phone had died, I was begging Russ to document the evening in a photographic sense.) Anyway, we weren’t quite sure what to do because we were both feeling pretty rough and tired at this point… so we wandered toward the casino. Once we got there, we sat down at a metal table in a glorified food court, looked at each other and said, “what the hell are we doing here?” I really just wanted a huge bottle of water, and maybe a sub. Like- Justin and Karly, if you are reading this, I really just wanted that pizza place/bar we stumbled into on the way back from the U2 show in Cleveland. Quiet, dark,dumpy, whatever. SOOOO, we ubered back to the air b & b (in Lafayette Park- which I am reading was a hotbed for Mies Van Der Rohe’s’ residential buildings, and I wonder if the apartment building we stayed in was one of them?)
I had a half a bottle of water waiting for me from earlier, which I chugged; I ripped out my contacts, changed into my slug clothes, and hopped in bed. I wondered aloud if I would be able to sleep– many times after a concert I am too jacked up, especially when rum & diet is involved. Like a magical elf, Russ rolls toward me, producing a Klonopin he takes for his own sleep issues. I cracked the hell up. Russ then literally proffered it on his finger and put it in my mouth, saying in a creepy voice, “Take it, kid… just let it dissolve and see the rainbow.” Holllllllyyyy shite.
So- I love this band, they are a sinuous, living, silvery, fluid octopus of harmony and rhythm, soft and loud, thundering and syncopated and layers of weirdness and stops and starts. As I read weeks ago– the only band who could produce a 9-minute pop song and leave you wanting more. WHO are they? WHAT do they create? Just like me getting trapped in a throng of screaming, pulsating bodies, there are some things we may never understand.
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My darling sons, John (left) and Christian (right)
For the last three years, this week of the year has been very difficult for me. I relive the moments of that fateful Mother’s Day in 2014 as if they were happening now. It seems that each year, the length of time that this occurs gets shorter. The first year I began to have anxiety, depression, nightmares and flashbacks in the beginning of March. This went on until after Mother’s Day.
Last year it began around the middle of April and ended after Mother’s Day. Last year seemed to be a little bit easier than the previous but it was also easier than this year. This was something I had trouble figuring out on my own. I expected this year to be easier.
This year it began to happen more towards the end of April. I did not have nightmares but all the rest began to occur. It seemed as if I cried much more and the depression felt more intense this year. Because I expected this year to be easier, not more difficult, than the previous two, I was confused. I decided to channel my Higher Self for an explanation.
What she told was that I was actually doing better this year. The difference was that because of the things I have learned over the past few years on my Spiritual journey, I am no longer afraid to let my grief out. I am no longer worried about what others will think of my grief and I realize that letting it out is the best thing for me. I do not know why I did not think of this but she is looking at things from a much higher and different perspective.
It is the week right before Mother’s Day which is the worst. The crying is more frequent, more intense and lasts much longer. I spent all day this past Tuesday crying with no desire to speak to anyone.
The day my son took his life was Mother’s Day, May 11, 2014. I feel as if both Mother’s Day and May 11 marks the day of his transition but Mother’s Day is much more difficult for me than May 11. What I have realized is that the anticipation of those days is worse than the actual days themselves, yet still I live in dread and anxiousness of Mother’s Day every year. Even though my youngest son makes the day very special for me, it is still difficult for me on that day. The morning is the worst. The morning was when everything began, from about 6:50 am until 10:00 am when the police officer left my home. After that everything is a foggy blur and I do not remember the rest of the day other than the long wait for the police to find the body of my son, John.
As John mentioned earlier today, I have begun a tradition to help get me through the day of May 11. John’s last place of residence was Ann Arbor, Michigan. We go up there because John recommended that when I am there I should go to the cafe which he frequently went to and have a vanilla fig latte. The first time I tried this latte I loved it (my son knows me well) and that is when I decided to make this a yearly tradition. It helps to keep my mind from reliving the events of that day and we have a lot of fun.
We live in Northeast Ohio so the drive to Ann Arbor is approximately 3 hours. We take the scenic route on the way there, which runs along Lake Erie. We stop in a quaint little town called Vermillion, Ohio so that I can stop at the Swan Creek Candle outlet and the Silly Goose Gift Shop (a nickname I had for John when he was a little boy). Yesterday we took some time to sit on the beach which was very relaxing. My niece purchased an electronic voice recorder and we tried to use it at the beach. It was quite windy yesterday and the Lake choppy so the noise made it difficult to hear anything but the noise on this side of the veil. I did, however, for a very brief moment hear John say something. I could not catch the entire sentence and had to remove the earpiece in order to hear John in our usual fashion of communicating, which I found a bit odd. When I removed the earpiece he said that he was saying “hi, we are all here” (meaning our entire family who is in Spirit).
After my little shopping excursion we headed to Ann Arbor. While in the car my family in Spirit was teasing me and I them. My father was requesting that my son, Christian, play Bob Seger or Credence Clearwater Revival on the stereo. I did not inform Christian of his grandfather’s request but obviously Christian heard him and did not realize it. Christian put on CCR and my dad pronounced himself now happy. My son has a habit of channeling his brother and grandfather and does not even realize that he does. My dad loves to use Christian to tell his typical silly jokes and John uses his little brother to make comments he would make to me when he was still in the Physical Realm.
I was very open to the Spirit Realm yesterday, which made the day even more fun. The problem was that Spirits outside of my family also wanted my attention. My family or the Spirits I know from this life will either zap, tickle or touch my right hand to get my attention. While I was sitting in the car I suddenly began to feel a strong tingling sensation at the lower back right side of my head. I was startled and wondered who it was because I knew it was not anyone who was familiar to me. I ignored this Spirit so as not to encourage anyone but family to attempt to communicate with me yesterday.
I was in the back seat with my niece, who also has psychic abilities, and we enjoyed the ride while speaking of all things woo woo and communicating with our family in Spirit. I was telling her a story about my grandmother when I felt my hand being zapped quite severely. When I perked up my Spiritual ears heard my grandmother saying that I was making fun of her (all her grandchildren enjoyed teasing her because it was great fun). I said, “grandma, I am not teasing you. I am merely telling Maria the story.” She then put an image in my head of her chasing me while waving her flattened hand back and forth. I then heard her say, “I am going to give you an ahah in the oohooh”. I began to laugh because this is something that she would tease all her grandchildren with. This gesture with her hand and that statement meant that when she got her hands on us we were going to get our butts beat.
We arrived at the Songbird Cafe and ordered our lunch and, of course, my yearly latte. My son Christian always teased that John was a hipster. I never knew what this meant but I think after yesterday I finally get it. We walk into the cafe and Christian just kept repeating “this is so John”. He then deemed the food way to healthy and fancy for his tastes and he and his girlfriend went to McDonald’s while my niece and I ordered at the Songbird. We met up in front of the cafe and all ate together outside.
My niece and I found a wonderful vape shop in the center of town where the University is. They mix the liquid to order right in front of you and it is the best I have ever experienced. My niece and I wish we could order on-line but, on the bright side, it gives us something else to look forward to next year.
While I was walking through the University area, I began to notice that the style of the young people has not really changed over the last few years. Many of them dressed and wore their hair similar to John did. So many of them reminded of my John. The strangest thing to happen, though, was that a young man who was not Chinese, walked past me while talking on his cell phone in fluent Chinese. The reason this was odd was because John was the only person I had ever come across who spoke fluent Chinese and was not Chinese.
Before heading for home we stopped at Sweetwater Tea and Coffee where I purchased the most delicious Ceylon and passion fruit tea. Then a little ways down the freeway is my son Christian’s favorite place, Cabella’s. This is the largest and most unique hunting store I have ever seen. While my son spends time in the store, I like to sit by the huge monument of the bears. While my niece and I were walking to the monument we heard Christian calling for us. There were tents set up outside of the store and when we looked in that direction we found Christian and his girlfriend peering out from inside one f the tents. Christian yells out “we’re intense”. I think he may have been channeling his grandfather again but it is hard to tell because I think my dad has rubbed off my son and he also tells silly joke. If you don’t get it, re-read it and think about it.
I eventually snuck into Cabella’s and surprised Christian with a mug which looked wood grained and had a picture of deer on it and also a magnet in the shape of a deer.
I have probably bored you with all the detail of how I spent the anniversary of my son’s transition but I enjoyed myself so much that I wanted to share it and I also want to give other griever’s an example of how to get through the day, enjoy it and spend it with your loved ones in Spirit.
I did not think much about Mother’s Day today. I merely spent the day being very lazy while cuddling with my dog on the couch. I am still in dread of it but Christian said we will do something in the morning as that is my most difficult part of the day. We will then go to the herb shop, which is located in another quaint town which I am fortunate to live near, because they have a Mother’s Day Open House which I greatly enjoy. We will then probably stroll around the town and stop for ice cream at the Popcorn Shoppe which is next to the falls. After that we will walk down the steep steps to the falls. – Michelle
Wading Through Those Memories My darling sons, John (left) and Christian (right) For the last three years, this week of the year has been very difficult for me.
#coping with grief#Grief#loss of a child#maternal grief#Mother&039;s Day#spending time with your loved ones in Spirit#Spirit communication#Spirits#Spirituality#the anniversary of the death of a loved one
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