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525s-liveblog-archive · 3 years

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The Untamed, eps.09-10 (2019)

Date watched: 07/July/2021

Previous episodes: 01-02 || 03-04 || 05-06 || 07-08

The plot: Area Man Fucks Up Big Time, Leading To A Lot Of People Dying (himself included). That still hasn’t happened here, though. People are no longer studying, shit is starting to happen, and suddenly I’m hooked and the liveblogs become long and rambly. I blame Nie HuaiSang.

The liveblog:

I've concluded that it amuses me far more to refer to everyone by their name except Naty

The sartorial frustration continues

So does the hair envy. I had to give up on long hair and all these people have long hair and it's not fair

I do like my hair short, but the fact that it's also my only choice because my hair looks pitiful if I let it get past my shoulders takes a lot of the joy out of it. I wanted braids! I wanted ponytails! I wanted to be able to do things with my hair!

Maybe I should buy a wig

At least I got the type of head that allows me to look good in hats

Sunglasses are hell, though. There's only one (1) model that looks good on me

My sunglasses broke and I need to buy new ones and I'm Annoyed about that

Speaking of things I should buy, this show keeps reminding me that I should carry a fan in my backpack. Will this be the year I finally remember to buy one?

Nie HuaiSang: "I can't die! My canary..."

Me: "Can this guy stop reminding me of things I've considered getting?"

Look, I'd like a pet and last week I was considering the pros and cons of a bird

Shout out to the extra that was clearly paying attention to the "Now turn around and walk away" signal instead of the scene they were in

I'd also like to be hired to play a zombie

Nie HuaiSang taking time to fix his hair got a thumbs up from me

Jiang Cheng (formerly known as Angry Uncle) continues having a painfully obvious crush on Wen Qing (girl with an Agenda) and I Suffer with every scene they share, half from secondhand embarrassment and half from knowing this won't end well

Shout out to the people behind this show for getting a kid that resembles Wen Ning for the flashback

Various characters: "Okay, we're gonna go investigate this creepy building."

Nie HuaiSang: "Yeah, I'm gonna wait here."

Me: "I appreciate this guy."

Naty seems to have entered the Acceptance stage of his grieving over crushing on Wei WuXian

So... Wen Qing is apparently in her 20s? Everyone looks the same age! And nobody looks like a teenager!

Naty: "This fog makes it so you can't focus."

Me: "Oh, it's ADHD fog! I’d be great at that, I managed to get through most of my degree without meds, some fog would be nothing compared to my inability to think in a straight line."

Joking aside, I’m so grateful for my ADHD medication. I don’t want to go back to life without it.

...Wikipedia tells me they called this CGI bird "the loitering owl" in English. That's. Such a disappointment. The Spanish subs called it "el búho funesto" (which Google translated as "the fatal owl")

I was rooting very hard for them to get that owl. Fuck owls. Owls hate me and I owe them nothing so fuck them

That only makes it sadder that I have friends that associate me with owls

A Murderous Asshole shows up and he spends Every. Single. Scene he's in looking like he's planning to have an orgy with the people around him, which will end with him killing everyone

He also looks like he's deciding what's the best angle to look like the Meanest Girl at School

The Murderous Asshole looks like he reaaaaaaaaally wants to do the guy that's chasing after him

Killing sprees are his love language

Meng Yao (formerly Servant Uncle) looks like he pulled an all-nighter and then proceeded to down five Red Bulls and an espresso before going out that morning. In other words: like he's dead on his feet and ready to fuck you up at the slightest provocation

Nie MingJue showed up and I don't know why I was so surprised by his mustache, but I was

I also respect his hairstyle

I'm Very Annoyed that saying "Qué weá, Nie HuaiSang" is accidental alliteration. I need new swear words

"That's not a sword, that's a meat cleaver!" - Me, about Nie MingJue's sword

...re-reading this... it seems I'm developing some favoritism for Nie HuaiSang, which is unsurprising. He carries around a fan! My 17yo self, who agonized over not having a dramatic object to carry around, approves of him!

I was going to complain that we got even more characters, but I kinda like Nie MingJue, even though I'm pretty sure he got played like a fiddle by Meng Yao

I'm still laughing that first they were all "The Yin Iron is a secret" and now pretty much everyone knows

#Shows #show: The Untamed

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recentanimenews · 5 years

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Bookshelf Briefs 5/8/19

DIVE!!, Vol. 2 | By Eto Mori and Ruzuru Akashiba | Yen Press – DIVE!! is not a bad series, but it really needs to slow down and breathe a bit. If we just had more time to get to know these characters, then Tomoki reconciling with his friends, or losing his girlfriend to his younger brother, or making peace with the sacrifices he’s got to make in order to get better at diving would probably mean something. But as it is, everything just moves on too briskly. Tomoki mopes for a couple of weeks across the span of a few pages, and then before you know it, it’s time for the meet that decides which three competitors get to attend a training camp in Beijing. Unfortunately, unlike most sports manga, this one is extremely short. It ends in the next volume, in fact, so we’re likely never going to feel anything for this story that might’ve been so much better. Too bad. – Michelle Smith

Golden Kamuy, Vol. 9 | By Satoru Noda | Viz Media – Golden Kamuy honestly requires a reread every time there’s a new volume, and I found myself getting lost at times. The funny part of the book involves Shiraishi’s backstory of escaping from prisons, which is truly ludicrous in the best Golden Kamuy way. More serious involves our heroes arriving at an Ainu village that may not be as Ainu as they’d like to pretend, and it has Asirpa being clever (and unfortunately getting captured) and Sugimoto getting angry, though not as angry as the caged bear that gets loose right near the end. Golden Kamuy tends to run on mood as much as plot, and so I continue to enjoy the series even as I wonder how long it’s going to stretch out its main plotline. – Sean Gaffney

Hakumei & Mikochi: Tiny Little Life in the Woods, Vol. 5 | By Takuto Kashiki | Yen Press – While Hakumei may deny that she’s married to Mikochi as they’re both girls, the series remains quite content to treat them as a couple anyway, as we see Mikochi trying to endure fishing even though she doesn’t like it because Hakumei loves it, and the two of them going on a long trip to try to meet Hakumei’s old mentor. I also really liked the Halloween episode, with everyone trying to scare the kids and lots of fake vampire teeth. There’s never going to be much of a plot to this, so it helps that all the characters are so much fun to read about, even when they’re just doing normal everyday tasks—which is most of the time. – Sean Gaffney

Hatsu*Haru, Vol. 6 | By Shizuki Fujisawa | Yen Press – Last time I mentioned that Takaya did not seem to be all that into Ayumi, despite their fake relationship, and in this volume we see why, and as a word of warming it might annoy some people. Stepsibling love is a thing in Japan, and to the manga’s credit, it seems unlikely to consummate that love. Plus Ayumi is awesome—I could read about her all day. In the meantime, we have our main couple… or are they a couple? There are still some mixed signals going on, but it looks like Kai and Riko are finally a couple, and can go on adorable dates with each other. This is the shoujiest of shoujo manga, but I’m loving it more with each ongoing volume, and am happy there’s a lot more to go. – Sean Gaffney

Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic, Vol. 35 | By Shinobu Ohtaka | Viz Media – The majority of this volume of Magi involves a lot of debating about the nature of fate vs. freedom of choice, and how we can allow humanity to choose when they might choose evil. It’s given art that’s filled with cool pew pew light show battles, but if you’re not interested in philosophy, this volume might bore you. The highlight is showing us the immediate aftermath of Alibaba getting killed a few books back, and how he managed to come back from that. The motion of “heaven” served up here may not appeal to everyone, but as the series speeds towards its climax, it’s still holding my interest. That said, I hope for a bit less debate club next time around. – Sean Gaffney

Nyankees, Vol. 2 | By Atsushi Okada | Yen Press – I didn’t want to give up on Nyankees so I came back for one more volume. And I do think it has improved. It’s true that the basic plot is still pretty boring: Ryuusei, the tough new tabby in town, is searching for a calico tom who used to be his closest buddy before suddenly turning on him. Intel leads to one tough calico boss, who turns out to be female. She’s so impressed with Ryuusei that she offers to bear him a litter, causing her subordinates to immediately begin grooming themselves in agitation, and it’s this sort of thing that has improved. Cat jokes. Another fun moment is when they have a fish scraps and catnip spree in the park that turns into a kitty dance party in the moonlight. I can forgive a lot if there’s sufficient whimsy, so I’ll be back for volume three. – Michelle Smith

Sacrificial Princess and the King of Beasts, Vol. 5 | By Yu Tomofuji | Yen Press – As you might gather by the cover, there’s a lot of backstory for our chief “villain” here, showing us how he got to be so close to the King and why he’s so dead set against Sariphi. Meanwhile, a ceremony is in danger because the King is in his human form… and can’t change back! This could spell disaster, but luckily, we have the power of Sariphi’s shininess, which even begins to thaw Anubis by the end of this book, though he’s still determined to find some sort of fault with her eventually. If you’re looking for shoujo fantasy, this remains a highly underrated series. Plus His Majesty looks pretty glorious in all his naked beast form posing. – Sean Gaffney

Sleepy Princess in the Demon Castle, Vol. 5 | By Kagiji Kumanomata | Viz Media – This was another strong volume in this very funny series, and my joy these days comes from seeing the expression on Syalis’ face every time she tries something amazingly stupid, and the minion’s looks of horror. Here we see her escaping to the human world so that she can get another fancy sleeping pillow, and the chaos that follows then the main demons escort her. It’s becoming more and more apparent that the Princess has no desire whatsoever to return, if only as she can continue to torture everyone as much as she likes in the Demon Castle. This remains hilarious fun, though it’s best not to take any of it too seriously, or you may find Syalis appalling. – Sean Gaffney

Species Domain, Vol. 6 | By Shunsuke Noro | Seven Seas – I like Dowa better with the beard, but dwarf beards (and mustaches) make up a large part of this volume of the series, where we see how far Dowa will go to try to stay attractive in her not-quite-boyfriend’s eyes. Meanwhile, the current sort-of-student council is looking for replacements, and comes across our main cast. That said, the roles they’ll be filling are… not quite what you’d expect. I admit I was not thrilled with the new character Kuroki, who hits a few tropes that I’m not particularly fond of. But for the most part this is still fun and goofy, and a good recommendation of a monster people series that doesn’t rely on fanservice. – Sean Gaffney

Wandering Island, Vol. 2 | By Kenji Tsuruta | Dark Horse Comics – For a series with relatively little plot, Wandering Island still has plenty of mystery. It’s a very atmospheric work almost entirely carried by the strength of Tsuruta’s art. In fact, there’s barely any dialogue at all in the second volume. Mikura manages to relocate Electric Island and, after more or less getting herself stranded there, begins to explore the island and its less than welcoming community. It’s peculiar, but engaging, and Tsuruta’s illustrations are striking, conveying a marvelous sense of wonder and place. The volume concludes with a lengthy essay by Dark Horse editor Carl Gustav Horn describing the history of manga publishing practices in North America, comparing them to those of the Japanese manga industry—included mostly, it seems, to explain why it will probably be a while before the next installment of Wandering Island will be released in English. Whenever that is, I’ll definitely be picking it up. – Ash Brown

By: Ash Brown

#Anime #News #Manga Bookshelf

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lifeonashelf · 6 years

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CAVE IN

Confession: I don’t have any especially deep insights about Cave In. Honestly, I essentially forgot Cave In even existed until I trotted to my shelf to pull the next band in my queue and found out that band is Cave In. Though as I sit here listening to them for the first time in over a decade, their credentials are gradually coming back to me: they earned a solid reputation on the indie-label circuit, which led to them being scooped up by RCA and receiving a heavy promotional push for their first major-label offering—2003’s Antenna, the disc I am playing right now to make things about Cave In gradually come back to me.

Bereft of any nostalgic association with the band, I suppose I should craft some sort of proper critical analysis of Antenna to justify this piece’s existence. I can’t readily compare this disc to the band’s previous releases since I’ve never heard any of them, but Antenna certainly boasts some sturdy material: nuanced, slightly-proggy dropped-D rock with nice thick riffs and enough big-chorus melody to allow the songs a soaring, anthemic quality that makes each one memorable. There’s enough nifty shit going on here to make it difficult for me to comprehend how I completely disremembered that Cave In was a thing.

As I soak the music in, I’m realizing that Cave In most readily reminds me of Failure (the band, not the antonym of “success”). This is mostly because all of the tunes and tones on Antenna strongly resemble the tunes and tones on Failure’s sophomore release, Magnified, a sludgy gem of the highest order which features some of the tastiest guitar playing ever committed to disc. The similarities aren’t even subtle: I’ve heard plenty of music that sounds like Failure mixed with some other bands, but Antenna-era Cave In mostly sounds like Failure mixed with more Failure. I don’t intend that as an insult at all—Failure is fucking awesome; as far as I’m concerned, mirroring their approach is an artistically judicious course of action. Really, the only injudicious thing about Antenna is RCA’s ostensible prediction that Cave In would reach next-level success by mirroring the approach of Failure.

That reads like an insult too, so allow me to clarify. I’m sure you don’t need me to explain to you that ginormous record conglomerates don’t ultimately give a shit what the records they put out actually sound like, just as long as lots of people spend money on them. The music industry has always placed its focus squarely on the “industry” end of things; it’s mainly just a happy accident when the “music” component is supplied by talented, interesting, or even listenable, artists. So it would be fair to suppose that the primary reason RCA decided to sign Cave In is because they believed the band might prove to be a profitable acquisition. Yet in this instance, their dice-roll involved signing an outfit that sounds uncannily like Failure, a group which disbanded and subsequently withdrew into a 15-year hiatus shortly after putting out their magnum opus, 1996’s Fantastic Planet—a record that didn’t even crack the Billboard Top 200 album charts despite being an unequivocal masterpiece. Now, Failure was-and-is an amazing band, and if you’ve never heard Fantastic Planet you should absolutely stop reading this bullshit and go listen to it immediately (and then you should check out Magnified, because that one rules too… hell, their 2014 reunion disc The Heart is a Monster is also killer, and so is their first album, Comfort—truthfully, everything they ever recorded is better than anything you’ll find in these pages, so I can’t fathom why you’re wasting time with my nonsense when you could be listening to Failure instead). The thing Failure was NOT was commercially successful, which seems to indicate that RCA was grossly misguided in expecting Cave In to ignite the charts by mining strikingly comparable musical territory seven years after their muse’s own major label debut went criminally ignored by the masses.

Since Cave In didn’t get huge either, I’m assuming the RCA money-men deemed this particular procurement a failure (this time I am referring to the antonym of “success,” not the band). However, the more I listen to Antenna, the more I’m concluding it’s a pretty excellent disc that reasonably should have been heard by far more people than it evidently was. A quick read-up on the band’s history has informed me that this effort is an anomaly in their discography, which was previously characterized by far more ferocious fare, and that many of their fans received the outfit’s RCA-branded stylistic shift with cries of “sell out” (which becomes somewhat ironic when you consider that the album didn’t sell a gaggle of copies and the band quickly went back to playing shows at small gen-ad clubs for the same people who called them sell-outs). I’m certainly game to hear Cave In’s screamier stuff, but even if Antenna is the most placid entry in their canon, there’s plenty of evidence here that these dudes rock plenty hard. Though I could do without the obligatory lighter-waver “Beautiful Son” and the meekly-poppy “Penny Racer”, the opening cut “Stained Silver” is a bombastic minor-chord maelstrom, “Joy Opposites” seethes with somber beauty and lush guitar flourishes, and the absorbing “Woodwork” closes out the disc in satisfying and stridently epic fashion. There are some real choice tracks here that would have likely grabbed a lot of ears back in 2003 if those ears had been given due exposure, so it seems rather shitty that the mainstream mostly left Cave In out in the cold while that insipid “wake me up inside” song by Evanescence was being spewed from half of the goddamn radio stations on the goddamn dial every four goddamn minutes. When all was said and done, Cave In was summarily dropped by RCA when the label’s spit-polish netted the band little more than a cameo on the Billboard register at #167, while the members of Evanescence banked enough cash to fuel a lifetime of Hot Topic shopping sprees.

Of course, this begs the question: if people weren’t buying Antenna when it came out, what records were they buying (besides the Evanescence disc with that fucking “wake me up inside” song on it)?

I did a little investigative journalism (actually, I just did a Google search—I’m a terrible journalist) to get an overview of some of the hit releases from 2003 and ascertain what the multitudes were passing over Antenna for. What I learned both surprised me a lot and didn’t surprise me one bit. The part which did the first thing was discovering that the records which Soundscanned their way to #1 on the Billboard list that year suggest a fairly favorable marketplace for Cave In’s wheelhouse: of the 34 albums that topped the charts in 2003, 6 of them were by rock bands. The part that didn’t arrive as a bombshell was finding out that most of the rock albums which sold a shit-ton of units in 2003 were absolute garbage (the antonym of “quality,” not the band).

Droves of folks eschewed the more thoughtful approach of Antenna to instead listen to Aaron Lewis whimper about how his daddy didn’t hug him enough on Staind’s 14 Shades of Grey and root on Godsmack as they plodded through a dozen retreads of the same dimwitted WWE pay-per-view theme song on their appropriately-titled Faceless. Rock fans also purchased a lot of copies of the dullest entry in Marilyn Manson’s catalog, The Golden Age of Grotesque, and of Metallica’s 80% unlistenable St. Anger—an interminable series of throwaway riffs without songs whose shoddy patchwork assemblage suggested that ProTools had as much to do with the album’s construction as Metallica did. Granted, Antenna isn’t necessarily mandatory listening, but it’s undoubtedly a far more appealing record than any of those offerings, and has aged far better (an aside: I recently spun St. Anger in its entirety for the first time in over a decade to reassess it; I discovered that even with the benefit of fresh ears the record still sounds just as abysmal as it did then, and this encounter merely served to remind me that Metallica was a really awful band for a few years).

The rest of the releases that reached the top slot during Antenna’s annum were about what you’d expect: a few hip-hop sets (by 50 Cent, DMX, Outkast, and Eminem), factory-constructs from a host of mostly-disposable female pop stars (Monica, Ashanti, Hilary Duff, Britney Spears), CD-shaped product-placement trinkets from American Idol alumni (Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard, and Kelly Clarkson), and a smattering of appearances from the requisite country icons of the era (Shania Twain, the admittedly-diggable Dixie Chicks, and Alan Jackson with his eloquently-dubbed compilation Greatest Hits Volume II and Some Other Stuff). Additional dubious notables from that year were issued by Madonna (whose American Life shot to #1 the week it came out, then subsequently plummeted progressively down the charts once people started actually listening to it), Toby Keith (whose Shock’n Y’all plagued mankind by being christened with the lamest pun of all time and by being a Toby Keith album), and R&B’s most talented lunatic, R. Kelly (whose Chocolate Factory was rendered icky in retrospect as gradually-revealed details of his personal life suggested the record’s title was probably a reference to defecating on adolescent girls—an association which could only possibly be more insalubrious if Chocolate Factory had hit the charts at number two).

Sure, there were some bonafide standouts on that year’s roster—Jay-Z got a lot of mileage out of his superb Black Album, while Alicia Keys reached the apex slot with her dynamite LP The Diary of Alicia Keys—but I can honestly say I would much rather listen to Antenna than roughly 30 of the discs which shifted enough units to reach #1 in 2003. I’m not sincerely suggesting Cave In’s tunes boast the extensive cross-demographic appeal of something like Come Away With Me by Norah Jones (released the previous year, but still going strong and occasionally wandering to the top of the charts throughout 2003) or John Mayer’s Heavier Things (a compendium of sultry bedroom-eyed blues that mesmerized legions of sorority girls, their desperate-to-be-hip cougar mothers, and men with vaginas). Nonetheless, I’ve heard Antenna a half-dozen times now and I’m not sick of it yet, which indicates to me that it’s a thoroughly respectable outing. And when compared to the material it was most directly competing with, Cave In’s neglected opus certainly stacks up well against most of the dreck that was dominating the alternative charts during a year when trifling acts like Chevelle, Dashboard Confessional, and Three Days Grace inexplicably had hit records.

I know I didn’t help matters by forgetting Cave In existed. However, I’ve resolved to at least partially make up for that now by adding them to my mental list of bands I need to seek out more work from very soon. By the time you read this, I predict that I will have augmented my Cave In library with several more of their albums, and I further predict that I will enjoy them.

And I also predict that my library will still be blessedly devoid of the Evanescence disc which features that idiotic “wake me up inside” song with the sulky Vogue-Goth piano intro and the melodramatic dear-diary lyrics about being nothing inside and the lame-ass two-note quasi-industrial juh-jun juh-jun juh-jun guitar riff that runs through the whole fucking track and the dipshit in the background who keeps fruitlessly trying to sound like a badass when he snivels his “can’t wake up” part on the chorus and then raps out a pathetic bridge where he sounds just like that other dipshit from Papa Roach.

Seriously, fuck that song.

February 4, 2016

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

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8 Stories That Show Exactly How The Media Hates Millennials

Somebody has to stop the millennial killing spree before it’s too late and the only thing we’re left with is social media and avocados and- oh god, they’re killing those too. But wait, there doesn’t seem to be any logic to millennial behavior. How can they both be the generation with the worst manners, but also obsessed with political correctness and not offending anyone? Why, it’s almost as if these headlines directly contradict one another, because the whole thing is a crock of artisanal horseshit …

Millennials Are Obsessed With Drinking, But Also Drinking Way Less Than Previous Generations

Millennials are heavy drinkers. According to The Tennessean, they make up a disproportionate percentage of alcohol buyers, and they splurge on the good stuff.

And oh boy do millennials love wine. Bustle reports that millennials buy so much of it that they’re changing the industry. Humans have been drinking wine for 8,000 years, but it took women in their 20s posting about it on Facebook to take it to the next level. Why do they love wine so much? USA Today argues that it might be because it’s the healthiest of alcoholic beverages, and the increased heart health quiets the demons after three glasses.

Or wait, actually, millennials aren’t drinking as much as previous generations. This Forbes article (named “Millennials Gone Mild” *fart noise*) tells of bars and nightclubs closing en masse, as millennials prefer to go out to sober events like “juice crawls,” or stay home altogether. The author goes on to say “Over the past few years, Millennials have started identifying as ‘grandmas’ and ‘grandpas’ when they stay in for the night — a lifestyle choice revered by most members of ‘Generation Yawn.'” Somebody revoke this man’s word license.

Oh, and millennials couldn’t afford to drink, even if they wanted to. Business Insider has concluded that they’re also killing the beer industry. Even wine sales have flatlined.

So millennials are obsessed with drinking, particularly high-quality alcohol, to the point where the industry is changing to accommodate them. But at the same time, they’re not drinking as much as previous generations, because they can’t afford it and they’re all doing sober juice crawls wherein they butt-chug ginger shots, causing bars to spontaneously explode. They’re drinking less beer, but record amounts of wine, but also wine consumption hasn’t increased in the past year. Why can’t they drink exactly the right amount?

Millennials Don’t Vote, But They’re Voting For All The Wrong People

This Big Think article starts with “Hey, you. Yes, you. Millennials. Stop twerking for a second and listen up.” That’s a sure way to gain the respect of your reader! The piece goes on to argue that millennials don’t vote because politicians don’t represent their interests. They go on to say that millennial voter apathy is because they have “no faith in populism,” a claim so powerfully wrong that many of your eyes have just rejected it outright. But the core of what it’s saying is correct, right? Millennials don’t vote because nobody represents them. Otherwise, they’d be passionate.

The Wall Street Journal thinks millennials are passionate about voting, but that they’re misdirecting their passion. Young people gravitated toward Sanders and Trump in the last presidential election, which was against their own best interests, the paper argues. Both of their economic policies would be bad for long-term growth, which millennials would know if they’d stop asking for “free stuff” long enough to read a goddamn book. So millennials don’t vote because nobody appeals to them, but when they do, it’s because the wrong people are appealing to them. Gotcha.

Millennials Are Too Involved In Their Children’s Lives, But Also Not Involved Enough

Millennials are the new “helicopter parents,” hovering over their children and providing exciting aerial footage of all their most precious police chases. According to Elite Daily, millennial parents will supervise all of their children’s interactions, preventing them from developing a sense of creativity. And they’ll fix any problem their child has, depriving them of the chance to fix it themselves. Millennials are smothering their children.

Alternatively, if we check in with ABC, we find that millennials are too focused on “me time.” Their parenting style is vastly different from the helicopter parents of previous generations. Their children lack structure and supervision because they’re too busy Snapchatting their Instagrams. The article also weirdly states that “Millennial Moms are 21 percent less likely to send a thank-you note via postal mail.” And why aren’t these goddamn kids sending singing telegrams anymore?

Millennials Don’t Work, But Are Also Poisoning Their Companies With Their Workaholism

Millennials are more stressed out about their jobs than other generations. Glamour reported that they are too occupied with their careers, their only goals being to “get a new job with better benefits, more pay, better hours, and more work-life balance, as well as work that was more intrinsically rewarding.” Truly, this is unheard-of stuff.

Wait a minute, it turns out millennials want material things, but aren’t willing to work for them. The Miami Herald says that millennials won’t take a job that’s too hard, and they refuse to work overtime. “Stay an extra two hours at my job as a mattress nap tester? Who do you think I am, the Wolf of Wall Street?”

But The Herald also claims that millennials are “work martyrs,” the hardest-working people in the workforce. They refuse to take their allotted vacation time because they’re too goddamn addicted to working. If only these job-stressed, lazy work martyrs could take a week off, they’d learn how a real adult handles their job — by drinking schnapps in their car during lunch and writing about millennials twice a week.

Millennials Blow Too Much Money, But Are Killing Whole Industries By Not Spending Money

A BankRate study found that millennials are spending way too much going out to eat. They go to Starbucks too often, and have large bar tabs (except when they don’t). All these little expenses add up and eat into the money they should be saving for retirement.

This irresponsibility has spread into other areas. This Is Money reports that in addition to ordering too many meals, millennials are overspending on expensive clothes. It looks like if these millennials don’t learn to go without spending money on frivolous things, they’ll never be able to support themselves.

Or wait, millennials are in fact to blame for the severe sales slump at chain restaurants like Applebee’s and TGI Fridays. This Business Insider article states, “Millennial consumers are more attracted than their elders to cooking at home, ordering delivery from restaurants, and eating quickly, in fast-casual or quick-serve restaurants.” Those monsters!

And it doesn’t stop with dining out. Millennials are also killing the motorcycle and diamond industries. CNBC hypothesizes that the slump in sales is due to millennials’ tendency to value experiences over material goods, that they “seek out experiences, such as vacations and concerts, that they can post about on social media.” Rest assured that it’s not because they’re broke and can’t burn tens of thousands of dollars on a shiny rock and a loud bike; it’s because they’re narcissistic and need to brag about their trip to Argentina on social media. Also, no one’s ever bragged about their diamond ring online, right guys?

Millennials Never Leave The House, But Are Also Everywhere (And That’s Awful)

The New York Post is worried about millennials. They spend too much time at home, leading to an upswing in depression. Instead of going out to the bar with their friends or meeting a date for coffee, they stay home and binge-watch TV. The Post warns of the emotional dangers of “Netflix and chill” — which, if you recall, was a euphemism for sex before the olds got to it.

And yet the same New York Post is mad that millennials are going out too much, railing against millennial “brunch culture” — that is, that millennials will go to restaurants to eat brunch. But wait, isn’t that good? Instead of killing restaurants? Not so fast — the problem the article has is that these goddamn kids will hog tables for hours and obnoxiously take pictures of their food instead of silently, angrily nursing a hangover, as God intended.

Millennials Hate Capitalism, Except When They Love Capitalism

National Review came out with the hottest take their scientists could engineer, combining every millennial stereotype into a super-take capable of triggering every lib, and perhaps killing male feminists outright. They argue that millennials dislike capitalism because they are ignorant of what it truly is (and that they like socialism for the same reason). They go on to say that capitalism doesn’t care for their puny gender or racial identities, which scares millennials right into Bernie Sanders’ arms.

Meanwhile, The American Spectator is too busy dunking on progressives to buy into the myth that millennials hate capitalism. Capitalism brought them iPhones and Uber, the popularity of which proves millennials love the free market. They also go on to claim that millennials don’t know what socialism is, because that seems to be some sort of journalistic nervous tic.

Millennials Want Participation Trophies, But Also Youth Sports Are Way Too Intense Now

The Washington Post calls millennials the “Participation Trophy Generation,” participation trophies being the ultimate symbol of entitlement. We were so afraid of hurting any child’s feelings that we got rid of winners and losers, and now an entire generation is growing up unprepared for the competitive real world.

The Blaze Millennials: “Glenn Beck is ruining our grandparents.”

Glenn Beck’s rag The Blaze agrees, pining for the days when there was only one trophy, handed out to the winner, and those who came in third or lower were summarily executed.

The Federalist

The Federalist claims that millennials’ lust for participation trophies has bled into the workplace. They say that millennials, especially women, want promotions the same way they want trophies: whether they earned them or not. If only they weren’t babied so much at soccer games, maybe millennials would be better human beings. A competitive football game is what made the Greatest Generation great and the Baby Boomers boom, right?

This HuffPo article starts with “Youth sports: a chance to run around, play sports with friends and have fun … At least that’s how it used to be.” But now youth sports culture is so demanding and competitive that kids are emotionally and physically drained, with most dropping out by age 13.

Washington Post “Take it easy, kid. If you don’t get a trophy for losing, then we won’t get to spend a lifetime berating you for it.”

The consequences run even deeper, though. Sports are so intense now that kids are getting injured like never before. That comes from The Washington Post, the same people who coined the term “Participation Trophy Generation.”

Man, it’s almost like these writers just hate the younger generation because they’re trapped in old, failing bodies and growing increasingly irrelevant to society by the day. But that couldn’t be it. That’s too far-fetched. No, it is the avocado’s fault, surely …

David Klesh was born in 1980, but refuses to call himself a millennial. His writing has also appeared on the Faith Hope and Fiction blog. Dan Hopper is an editor for Cracked, previously for CollegeHumor and BestWeekEver.tv. He fires off consistent A-tweets at @DanHopp. Adam Schwallie has a Twitter, where he tweets in between destroying all of the industries that Baby Boomers hold near and dear to their hearts.

You know what Millenials aren’t killing? These dope Caribou Boots that you can use to continue to not kill industries with because that’s an unfair characterization of a generation of fun-loving people.

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