#and since then what have you been? a fucking loser who can't gain their footing back

[tarraxahum]

Oh I thought interacting with your first ever hyperfixation was bad.

Apparently bumping into your longest one that came with an active and extensive fandom experience attached is even worse. 'Cause not only do you miss these characters terribly, you also miss being around so many people all the time, online or offline. Being known. Somewhat appreciated (sue me for liking it when my ideas and creations elicit a wide reaction and/or have an impact). That ish even got me a job and I felt like the most special motherfucker in the world who had her life figured out (and for a hot second there I think I was).

Now I'm post-severe-burnout, broke, my favorite characters are mostly dead, my 'generation' of said fandom all moved on (me included, usually) and if I ever draw anything again I wouldn't know where to post it 'cause I purged all my socials. The only thing I managed to keep intact is a few friendships, which, THANK FUCK (thank fuck they didn't give up on my ass either). The rest of the connections? Blew it, burnt it.

It's like. They're just characters. But they're also a big and better chunk of my life when I last felt I was someone. Does that make any sense.

#I was that one fandom creator who got recognized at conventions dammit #insert the 'grandma lets get you to bed' meme here #I don't want to dump all this craziness on my friends who had moved on from this fucking thing a long time ago #so naturally instead I'm posting it on my public blog!!! :))) #chances are they'll see it anyway OH WELL #what the fuck do you do when you realize you based so much of your identity on a thing that you yourself discarded #and since then what have you been? a fucking loser who can't gain their footing back #feels like I never will again #which I know (I hope) is not true but. #what is this fucking breakdown where did I ASK #is my period finally happening or what. #personal