#and now theres htis. and its not even like ----. ANyway anyway.

[blood-bound]

I wanted to send in an ask for the in-character ask meme for mark but i couldnt think of anything, so instead i ask you to ramble about one of the things regarding mark that makes you lose it! Stuff you're totally so Normal about in a Lying way!! It's so fun hearing about that stuff as well as WHY it makes you lose it, yknow?? does this make sense??? hope it does lmao

k im breaking out this ask cause im doin bad. if you dont know or care about mark dont bother reading htis - i found that sometimes my mark tag shows in the general vtm tag and im sorry.

im so normal about how vampires live forever but also live in constant danger (usually)

on the one hand Mark knows he has eternity

on the other hand he knows that in a few nights it could be his last

but the man lives off denial and so he focuses on the first one.

this intersects w some of his... motivations in interesting ways

for example a main one is who he considers it his responsibility to protect sampson. but ok 1: he is a ghoul, so he'll live forever but does he want to? 2: its a dangerous world so protecting him is a big task and can he do that forever? and 3: what happens if sampson does want to live longer but turns against him either emotionally or in a deeper way? what then.

like basically the situation he's in... can it last forever? probably not. will mark grapple with that fact? No <3 its fine for now cause he isn't even a year in yet but it will be a problem at some point...

another one is serving Julius. so far julius has not asked anything too heinous of him but if there truly is eternity that's not gonna last forever. also, mark doesnt know this, but I Do, that when the pyramid falls, the blood bond may traumatically break but that does NOT mean Julius is gonna let go - only become more coercive, with mark more aware of the shit spot he is in. i am going to go absolutely insane when that happens. mark is gonna have a mc'freakin breakdown and if sampson isnt his friend at this point idk what he will do cause thats the only person in his life who could possibly understand.

Ok and finally just how literally like. ok so. mark struggles against the beast like every kindred does and GENRALLY does well because of a promise to himself after he murdered a guy in hunger frenzy, that once he gets That Hungry (mechanically hunger 4) his top goal will be reducing it and at hunger 3 its one of his highest goals. Like he has to believe he can keep it in check. but with eternity... mistakes happen. like there isnt any way he could prevent himself from ever making a mistake like that again. he is in such denial about it though. and when he fucks up again he'll be forced to accept that it will happen Another time, and Again. itll be so delicious <3 (like the blood i mean what)

Anyways.

mark believes he is taking a long view of things but he truly is NOT. he's just using that idea to Cope. he tells himself he has to settle things in his territory, w sampson, w such and such julius task, then he can sit down, study like he wants to, keep things in check ; but here is the thing. vampire society isnt like that. things are gonna shake up eventually. because you either die fast in one of those shake ups, or you live forever always long enough to see another one.

he is telling himself to just go a little longer, push a little harder, and then he can rest. then itll be ok.

but that might not ever come.

he has to learn some coping mechanisms soon... or have friends. hes not in a place where he could actually step away and get a break.

he's getting there on the friends bit w his coterie mate rose cause she agreed to stop dating Lucky (LOTS OF CONTEXT NEEDED WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT BUT IT IS ) and that meant a lot to him and he'll be more willing to open up to her in the future- but i think that will still require some sort of come-to-jesus moment where hes like. Oh shit im doing really bad actually.

which he is

but if you ask him, he will just say theres a lot going on and he's somewhat stressed <3 omg

anyway thanks @eric-the-bmo for my life

#mark vtm oc

[alternative-haven]

3/19/23

📁 7:21

now i remmeber why i amde this its to rly just be my space cuz idk how to talk to anyone about my issues. theres htis guy. idk if he feels the same way but in such a short amoutn of time ive never felt so connected to someone before i rly like him ima give it time tho but i havnet felt this way in a while. i have genuinely no clue whether or not hes just a rly nice social person or not because if i were him i woulda stopped tlaking to me like a week ago like idk i don get people who can seemingly care for someone the way i would only care about someone i liked. maybe thats y i dont rly have friends but idrc either. its not like it matters. idek if i wanna fall in love again i probably dont. i sound so emo rn anyways my mom is actually so scary like she scares me idek what to do anymore shes never happy with me i cant like do anything right idk whats wrong with me like even right now im suppose to be doing work and instead im writing this out idek what im doing why am i doing what im doing idek im so confused i want to quit and have everything stop so bad i just want to feel at peace with myself and i cant have that right now i really cant i dont know how to get that n i genuinely just cant right now. i need sleep. so bad

[dragonandtiger]

Dreaming To Reality: 02 Remix Chapter Forty Two - 02

GODHACKER: FUK YUO!! YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE PIZZED OFF BOUT THIS ASDHO.E

GODHACKER: IF YOU LIDYNRF TO ME THEN NONE NOG HTIS WOULDVE HAPPEND

@RainbowBuilder: I can’t even read that mess.

GODHACKER: STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH

* /~*~angeldancer~*~\ gets popcorn

* GODHACKER has been kicked from #Digimon by RainbowBuilder

/~*~angeldancer~*~\: she shoots she scores

* GODHACKER has joined #Digimon

* /~*~angeldancer~*~\ noms popcorn

GODHACKER: NOT THAT SHIYT AGAIN!!!1 DONT KICK MTY AGAIN OR ELSE!!!@

@RainbowBuilder: Don’t cuss out the ops and you won’t get kicked.

CheerfulHeaven: You weren’t even there.

CheerfulHeaven: And you even said that you never liked him.

CheerfulHeaven: So how about you let the people who are actually directly affected by this have a chance to breathe before you go jumping down their throats.

GODHACKER: YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY AT THE ASSHOLE NOT ME

* /~*~angeldancer~*~\ turns not n2 a ,

GODHACKER: STAY OUT OF THIS

GODHACKER: STOP ACTING LIKT IM THE ASSHOLEHERE

GODHACKER: IM NOT THE GUY WHO STABBED US ALL IN THE BACK WHILE HE WAS ENSLAVING AND GENOCIDING AN ENTIRE WORLD

@RainbowBuilder: We really don’t want to talk about Ken right now.

GODHACKER: WHO WAS THAT AGAIN???

GODHACKER: OH RIGHT

@RainbowBuilder: Can we just switch topics to the Devas being a threat, okay?

@RainbowBuilder: Or something else?

GODHACKER: KEN MOTHERFUCKER I WANNA BE HITLER AND STALLIN ICHIJOUJI

@RainbowBuilder: OMFG

@RainbowBuilder: Are you even listening to yourself?

/~*~angeldancer~*~\: godwins law commeth

Sailormoon96: I cannot even right now I’mm getting some pudding. Brb.

Bunnyhop: When the Nazis come out its time to bail

Bunnyhop: got homework anyway see ya

* Bunnyhop signed out

OnEwInGeDaNgLe: wierd u think hed be pride after all tjhe stuff hes pulled

GODHACKER: THATS RIGHT!!!!

GODHACKER: THIS MEANS THERES ONE SLOT LEFT!!!!!!!

GODHACKER: ANY OF US COULD BE THE LAST CHOSEN CHILD!!!

/~*~angeldancer~*~\: omg

OnEwInGeDaNgLe: omg

#Dreaming To Reality #02 Remix #digimon #digimon adventure #digimon adventure 02

[byunrelatable]

this is going to be really negative but i need to vent

today has been so fucking awful right from the start. i woke up and thought maybe i should check my tuition statement for these summer classes. turns out summer classes are fucking expensive. my tuition for two classes is almost as much as i pay quarterly for three classes during the year so idk what the fuck happened. but immediately i was like okay well, i cant shell out my entire savings to pay that.

so i go to the financial aid office. lady tells me i can get grant money, so thats great! but i was supposed to fill out a dependent student verification form, like, months ago, and i was putting it off, cause last year i put it off til summer and that was fine, but now i need aid sooner so its not fine and im a fucking idiot. its literally my fault and ONLY my fault that this is happening. the grants cant be disbursed until i finish that paperwork. plus, i submitted a request for aid late, so it would take time anyways. i probably wont have it before tuition is due, which means ill have to pay a $120 late fee. so. but its my fault so.

well i leave financial aid, go home, check the mail, IRS sent me the tax transcript i requested, that the fucking school TOLD me is all i would fucking need to fill out this thing, but the fucking information i need isnt ON the transcript. so i go in there AGAIN--AFTER my three fucking hour lecture, during the whole time im freaking out about all of this and wondering if i might just drop this class anyways--i go to the financial aid office and the lady says okay well if you filed with turbo tax you can get your old tax returns from them. BUT, i fucking have to PAY for that! you have to pay for fucking everything! it costs so much to do fucking anything ever why??? why do i have to pay turbo tax for MY tax information thats MINE??? what the fuckign GOD I HATE i hate i hate htis world sometimes i hate being alive but i’d never kill myself because it would break my grandma’s fucking heart and my dad and my brother so i cant ever escape i just have to keep going and going and going and im so fuckign stressed and ive barely eaten today and my head hurts im so dehydrated i feel like shit and ive been in and out of panic attacks and i cant handle shit like this. HOW THE FUCK am i supposed to be an adult?? how will i ever do anythig?? any time theres a single problem thats kind of difficult i PANIC how??? will i survive in the real world this isnt fuckgn... i cant do it i dont know what to do i fucking HATE myself i HATE myself. im so fucking stupid and wasteful and dumb and fucking fuckin fuckign STUPID. I HATE MYSELF.

so im try9ing to fill out this thing but im also considerign just dropping these classes cause this is so stressful but i dont want to just give up and run away lilke that. if i drop these classes i wont graduate on time. i fucking hate myself. this isnt even a huge problem. i just have to fill out the thing and maybe pay a late fee and thats it. a normal fucking person would just deal with it but i cant, i cant handle anything. im so fucking stupid. i feel nauseous 

#i just need to vent #today has been so difficult #but its all my fault anyways #suicide mention cw #i probably just eat something and idk #idk #im also supposed to skype my mom and i told her i cant #and my friend and i are supposed to hang out tomorrow #and shes just going to dump all her problems on me #and i cant fucking handle that right now #but ive been putting off seeing her for so long #and she has no one else #so i have to help her #because thats what i do i hepl everyone and i never fucking help myself #and i dont feed myself and i dont hydrate and i dont clean my room #i dont take care of the things i need to take care of i cause myself so much stress and pain and hardship #because i devote my energy to everyone else #im stupid #negativity