#and now im busting out essays left and right

[pridewhatpride]

ok so I read your view on GX rivalshipping and how things would get messy when johan shows up because I was curious about another GX rivalshippers opinion, and holy you and I have the EXACT same thoughts.

Ive went on and on about how manjoume as a rival (and as someone who could have had the ability to support judai) was tossed aside as soon as johan shows up + turned into the comedic relief chara and nobody ever really knows what the hell im talking about LOL. a big thing for me is just how DIFFERENT that would be for manjoume as well? in the seasons before johan shows up judai is so clingy towards him, always busting into his room and being in his personal space...

then mr. buff arms big smile shows up with his frilly lilac blouse and homo dragon and suddenly judai is like. smitten. which like youve pointed- out who could blame judai? johan is hard to hate and hes kind of perfect in every way. I always imagine what that would do to manjoumes self esteem in particular, because as we all know it IS a bit fragile at times, especially when it comes to being the best he can be.

I think having johan around would make him feel absolutely insignificant not only as someone who LIKES judai, but even just as judais friend. is he really so horrible at being a support that judai needs a stranger to lean on? even though he never asked for judais help much, is he really such a burden when he needs to be saved? why is judai acting like hes never been able to connect with manjoume, who can also see duel spirits, before? whoever said opposites attract obviously havent seen judai and johan! thoughts like that.

I could go on and on but I dont want you to have to read my 2746373 word long ask about them. id love to hear any thought or analysis you have on GX rivalshipping because its my favourite and the shippers are so rare, so I encourage you to post them whenever you feel like it!

Dear anon.

You can't ever know just how happy receiving this in my inbox made me. I can't fully express how grateful I am at the simple fact that you read my long rambles and reached out to me. I respect your anonimity if you want to keep it, but honestly, DM me whenever, if you want to. I think I'd like to talk to you if you're comfortable with it? I really do want to read your "2746373 word" essay on them. For the rest of my life.

I might get a little personal in terms of my view on this, so just... be aware.

The thing is that the way Manjoume is cast aside is just... a big fear of mine. "Sure, we might be friends now, but I'm not all that good and you know it. You won't mean any harm by it, but you'll find someone you like better and I'll be alone again." That kind of line of thought is probably something that goes through Manjoume's mind? He doesn't really... have friends outside of Judai. Maybe Fubuki. And Daichi? Except he disappears into nothingness very quickly. But that's it. And he certainly had none before that: just lackeys who pretended to like him because he was rich and perceived as promising. He lost that and suddenly found himself isolated.

It's nice to think that he bonded with the other members of the gang, but... he didn't. Shou certainly never really stops disliking/making fun of him. You could say it's meant as like... friendly teasing. But it doesn't read that way because there is nothing to indicate actual affection. Kenzan, Aster and the transfer students just... barely interact with him? Like have they actually ever spoken to eachother? I doubt it. Ryo is just the admirable upperclassman. Again, barely any interaction. Asuka is... a mess I don't want to get into, but again, she would probably file a restraining order if she could.

So yeah. Manjoume has one friend and the taller and cooler guy just kind of takes that away. Of course Johan is not aware of this! He wouldn't have been able to do much to change it, either way. It was Judai's own choice and that's what hurts the most, to me.

If shifting the focus and making minor changes to canon is something you like to do, here's a thing I think about a lot. "Teardrop", the Season 3 opening, except it's what Manjoume feels when seeing Judai's suffering and desperation. You know.

As you hang your head and smile, a single tear lands on your cheeks

You pretend to be strong, but underneath You’re hiding sighs; your smile is cloudy It sticks into me Like shattered glass

It’s OK to talk about the pain in your heart

Your smile Has always saved me You can cry now I’ll stay here with you

I can't bring myself to blame Judai or Johan for it, but I think Manjoume- if he'd been written like an actual character past a certain point- would have been quite devastated by this.

As you said, it's not just being abandoned, it's also being indirectly told that he was never truly someone worthwhile, that he is little more than extra weight. What of his supposed status of equal rival and all that? Nothing. Judai is just... on a different level than him. So Manjoume is simply left to stagger behind in a desperate attempt to chase after greatness. He wasn't good enough for his brothers and Judai stood up for him. But in the end he wasn't good enough for Judai either.

I like to think that Manjoume made an effort to get along with the others. He just didn't quite know how and couldn't just... switch off his more prideful persona. And he ended up paying quite the steep price.

I know I'm extra melodramatic when it comes to my favourites, but it's something that bugs me. I understand why the manga decided to approach Manjoume's character in a completely different way and it's the reason why I like to read Manjoume's personality as a mix of manga and anime canon. I really have to mention this- how can one even pretend that the writers gave a shit about Manjoume when they joked about how stinky he was in a scene that could have been... emotional in some way. Judai frees Manjoume from the influence of the Society of Light by reminding him who he really is (I don't want to talk about Kenzan being too strong to be manipulated because that is fucking stupid and besically the equivalent of saying "ahah, the light got you because you're not strong willed enough @ Asuka @ Manjoume. Get rekt"). And like... great! They are actually showing off how much they care for eachother as friends despite the rivalry! But no. Judai ends up basically saying: "You smell and your coat has stains on it!" and Manjoume's just: "Oh yeah, I'm goth I hate wearing white, nvm."

... I swear someone on the writing team looked at Manjoume and went: "Let's bully him!" Ugh ;; Can you tell I'm hyper biased towards Manjoume yet?

This was hilarious to read, by the way: "mr. buff arms big smile shows up with his frilly lilac blouse and homo dragon"

But yes, this mess is now officially over. I will be spouting gx rivalshipping nonsense left and right because we were robbed of their dynamic and I'll never get over that. Also I really want to draw them, so that helps.

Ending this post by saying that this ask made me feel like I didn't waste time writing all that, that someone can get something out of it. I'm really glad.

#ygo #yugioh #ygo gx #yugioh gx #manjoume jun #jun manjoume #chazz princeton #judai yuki #yuki judai #jaden yuki #gx rivalshipping #marry me platonically anon #i will kill for your happiness

[voorbeees]

[ hi im back with a part 2 bc im a sappy bitch. you can read part one here ]

Jesse makes his way into the kitchen. Early mornings are a thing he's had to get used to and there doesn't seem to be enough coffee in the world to keep him awake. Sure he's typically awake for work, but he schedules appointments around the time he spends recouping from his nightly hobby. After all a business doesn't run itself. He thinks this, accompanied with a move to LA shortly after taking the girl in could play a large part in it.

Shortly after they'd arrived at the new home, Tilly had been thrilled to learn she had her own room and own things. Apparently that was another thing her mother had failed to provide. He wants to ask her what her life was like before, but each time he thinks to broach the subject something makes him shy away from it. Maybe it's for the best. Besides, considering what it was, Jesse's sure he'll feel fire settle in his veins. Not long after that he'd had her enrolled in a small private school. It was never too early to start an education. He's also taken it upon himself to start teaching her ASL. The decision was only made final when she had looked up at him with those puppy dog eyes and said the simple phrase "I wish we could talk better."

And that had been another thing, not once had she acted like he was a stranger. It was actually the opposite. She acted like she'd known him her whole life. Maybe that was good, it made breaking the ice less difficult, at least in his mind.

Now Jesse adjusts his black suit coat, making sure he looks dressed to a T, even if he is just going downstairs. He's always been one to preen, current circumstances haven't changed that at all. Black Oxfords echo off the marble floor and he's instantaneous met with the beaming face of Tilly.

"Jesse! Jesse!" She rushes from her seat at the dining room table and bounces around his legs. Her tiny red curls dance about her shoulders in the process. She wastes no time in asking for her favorite thing, which is only made obvious a split second later when she holds her arms up, waiting to be picked up.

He picks her up with ease, acting like she weighs nothing (and to him she probably does). Her tiny arms wrap around his neck. She's made it clear she enjoys being at his height. Tilly pulls out of the hug a second later and starts flapping a tiny arm in the air. "I've been practicing with my writing!" She beams, little face begging for approval. He'd be cruel to deny her that so Jesse nods and walks the both of them back over to the table. Tilly wiggles herself out of his grasp just enough so she can grab the paper and shove it in his face.

It takes his eye a moment to focus and he has to hold the paper back a bit but sure enough, there in a child's scrappy handwriting is her name repeated at least ten times. Her statement is met with a slow nod of approval.

"Oh!" She finally makes the effort to remove herself from his arms and settle back into her chair. "Maybe I can try writing your name next?" It's a question but he knows what she's implying and its not a moment later that he pulls his phone out. He spends a moment typing on it and then turns it around to face her.

J-E-S-S-E

An amused look settles on his scarred face as he sees her focusing all her attention to write his name. Her tongue pokes out of the left side of her mouth as she finishes the last letter and holds it up, rather proud of herself.

It's messy but it's a cute gesture, so he takes it from her and pins it to the fridge with a magnet. That earns him a squeal of delight. The excitement is short lived as she goes back to her task. Jesse takes the opportunity to finally pour himself a cup of coffee.

' YOU'RE SPENDING THE DAY WITH SPANN. ' He hasn't actually left her alone yet. At least not that she knows. He's made sure to always leave when she's asleep, a caretaker there if something was to arise in his absence. The last thing he wants is for Tilly to think he's abandoning her.

"Why?" She asks as she looks up at him and then goes back to her work.

' I HAVE...BUSINESS. ' If you can consider visiting a plastic surgeon business. It's something he's wanted to do since he first saw what was once his "face". But Spann and the doctors had highly discouraged any reconstruction until the scars were fully healed. All in all it had added up to almost a year's time and it had been nothing but pure hell. Not that he cared what people thought when they saw him, more so he cared what he saw when he looked at himself in the mirror. It wasn't good. Hell, for the first several months he'd busted every mirror within five feet of him, going so far as to have them removed from places of his organization that had them. It'd been a touchy subject and not many could breach it.

Jesse remembers when Tilly saw his face for the first time. It had been the next day and it was on accident. He wasn't planning on showing the mangled part of himself until she seemed comfortable around him. But she had walked in on him in his home office. He'd been sitting at his desk, mask safety packed away in the chrome case. She was supposed to be sleeping and much to his horror when he had looked up, she wasn't. Instead she was standing in the doorway with wide eyes. He'd frozen like a deer in headlights. What the fuck was he supposed to do? Was she scared of him? Fuck, he'd be scared of himself. It's not like he even looked human anymore. He sat there for what felt like an eternity, unmoving until she walked forward. "You got hurt bad, huh?" She hadn't looked at him in disgust, but rather understanding. It was like it was the most common thing to ever happen. Tilly had come up and stood in front of him. "I got hurt one time too." She pulled her hair back to show a small indention on her forehead. "I hit my head and it left a really big spot." Something about that small stupid child gesture had made him laugh. It had demolished the wall he had built, afraid of traumatizing her.

Tilly lays her pencil down and looks up at Jesse now. To only be six she's intuitive. She can tell by the way he grips the handle of the mug and shifts his weight slightly that something is off. Usually its "I have work." Not "business." It's an odd choice of words. So she does what kids do best, she bombards him with fucking questions. "What kind?"

' BUSINESS. '

There's that word again. No matter how hard she tries, she just can't fucking pick out the problem. "Can I come?" Jesse shakes his head 'no.' A tiny frown creases her brow. "Do you have to go to the doctor?" Suddenly she gasps, standing up in her chair. "Are you sick!?"

Jesse's signing and shaking his head 'no' before he can stop himself. It's not hard to tell she's working herself up. Fuck, the last thing he wants right now or at all is her to he upset.

"Are-are you going for your face?" Tilly sniffles and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. Of course he fucking is, why else would he go to a god damned doctor. He obviously can't say it like that so he nods. "Bu-but there's nothing wrong with it!" Now she's just being polite, Jesse's sure of it. But the logical part of his brain says no, she's upset because she fucking cares about you you god damned fool. "What i-if I don't know who you are after? Because you lo-ook different?!" At that she breaks into full on hysteria. There's a few other words but Jesse can't make them out. It just all sounds garbled to him.

He considers pulling his phone out again but settles for a different approach. Jesse lowers himself on to one knee a few inches from her perch in the chair. He signs "hush" and "okay". Those are the easiest ones she's able to read but she just shakes her head crying even harder. "It's no-ot okay!" There's a hiccup added after she finishes speaking and for a split second Jesse thinks she's going to suffocate on her own tears. He blinks several times, actually taken aback by just how upset she is over this. This is a good thing not a bad one. He's going to look better but she doesn't want that. Of course he understands the whole "changing of features" process but it's still him. It's not like he's cutting off one of his fucking hands.

" It will be okay. " His hand hovers over her back like it's debating if it should offer comfort or not. Instead the decision is made for him as Tilly wipes at her eyes and sniffles.

"You don't know that!" There's a long pause and for a second Jesse thinks she's going to start bawling again, but she doesn't. Instead she looks up at him and the intensity in that stare almost has him drawing back. There's something in it. Love? Impossible. People don't love him, they tolerate him. Or rather he pays them to tolerate him. Tilly blinks once, then twice and yes, he sees it now. It's a mixture of love and adoration. Something almost foreign to him. "What if something happens?" Her tiny lip quivers. "Who will I have then?"

Fuckfuckfuckfuck. His mind draws a blank. There's no way for him to completely assure something won't happen. Granted people don't usually die from plastic surgeon, though he guesses it's possible. ' IT WON'T. I WILL STILL BE HERE. ' The phone's electronic voice drones out into the air. That's not what he wants to say. Jesse wants to say this huge fucking essay of why she doesn't need to worry but sometimes the simplest answers are the best.

"Promise?"

' YES. '

--------------

Blinding light sears his brown eye as it flutters open. Are lights always this bright? He doesn't think so. If they are then he's definitely paying someone to dim all the ones in his house. Because Jesus fuck that's a horrible thing to wake up to. Jesse blinks a few times then lets out a sigh. He can't feel his face (which, God willing, with strong as fuck drugs he won't have to until it heals).

It's only after he's been awake for an hour or two that he turns to the door at his right and sees Spann standing there, Tilly's small wide eyed form in front of her. He offers a shakey wave as a greeting. Tilly looks up at Spann, who nods and urges her in then steps back out to answer a call. Jesse thinks she looks even more comical like this. She's acting like he's a porcelain doll that could break at the lightest touch.

Tilly rests her tiny arms on his bedside. "Do you feel better?" Jesse gives her a so-so response with his hand. She takes this as privilege to climb her way up into the bed beside him, her tiny form looking even smaller near him. "Well," her forehead wrinkles, "you don't look different."

Now he is laughing. His shoulders shaking as an indicator. She looks at him before deciding to curl up next to him, her tiny head on his shoulder. "I still love you anyway. Even if you look like a mummy."

Jesse signs. " I love you too, squirt. "

#voorbeees writes #slashers #slasher fandom #jesse cromeans #chromeskull #laid to rest #also i had a mental breakdown half way through bc of life #dont @ me if the second half is shit

[you-did-well-moon]

Seventeen reaction to s/o writing a cute song about them

Type: pure fluff kids

Word count: 4,556

A/n: you guys don't know how fat of an uwu I busted seeing this request. Even now my heart is like bursting with love. I also changed up the request a bit. I don’t have many love songs in my playlist so once again it’s research time. I didn’t really make it a idol reader since I wanted it tp be more personal. Don't be afraid to talk to me or to request. Stay safe clowns -Moon

yes, im fully aware you cant write a song in a day but shhhhh

S.Coups

Song: Hypnotized - Years And Years

“I know a place where it's always so perfect and blue And a boy says, Babe, believe me, it's all for you Ooooh the fortune said, Flowers bloom with no regret

Surround me, body and soul Pull me into your glow, make me blush Unbound me, spin me in gold As the story unfolds in your touch”

You were sitting on the couch, your notebook in your lap trying to focus on the essay you were writing, but your eyes kept going back to your boyfriend. He was currently listening to one of his members who was troubled by something. The sweet look in his eyes reminded you much of the same look he’d give you when speaking reassuring words into the shell of your ear as he pulled you into his capable arms. You couldn't stop your pencil from spilling words of love onto the page with a soft smile tugging at your lips.

You were so distracted you didn't notice Seungkwan reading the intimate words over your shoulder until he snatched the notebook from your hands. Thankfully, Seungcheol noticed your predicament immediately moving to save you but freezing when Seungkwan told him you had written a love song about him. He looked at you who was staring at the floor before grabbing the notebook and hitting Seungkwan upside the head with it. He bought you closer to his warm body allowing you to hide your face in his chest leading you to his room. He would softly ask you if he could look at what you had written. Finishing reading the words he turned around trying to hide the huge smile overtaking his mouth. When you reached out to him, he quickly got a hold of you falling gently onto his bed as he hid his smile in your neck squishing you in a tight hug. 

Seungcheol would find so much comfort in your sweet words when you couldn't be there to provide comfort yourself. He’d have it somewhere where he can look at it whenever he wants to. If he was particularly missing you, he’d let a tear or two slip. 

Jeonghan

Song: I Wouldn't Mind - He Is We 

”Carefully we'll place for our destiny. You came and you took this heart And set it free. Every word you write and sing is so warm to me So warm to me. I'm torn, I'm torn. To be right where you are.

I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid.”

You chewed at the end of your pencil as you worked on your notebook eyebrows furrowing when you noticed your boyfriend hadn't whined out at you to leave your work for later and cuddle him. Looking up your expression immediately  softened at the sight of your boyfriend’s chest lightly rising and falling with his face mushed up against the pillow. You chuckled gently brushing his hair away from his eyes, fingers falling to trace along his cheekbones until they took a hold of your discarded pencil starting to write words that easily came at the thought of your lover.

You couldn't help the rush of warmth that spread across the expanse of your chest when any thought of your boyfriend popped up in your head. You remember distinctly how afraid you were to be with someone like him. Someone so carefree and laid back. Someone with a job like the one he had with thousands of eyes watching every move he made. You also distinctly remember how quickly he has assured you, you would be safe with him if it was the last thing he did. Even if relaxed and easy going, Jeonghan would not hesitate to step up if your safety or happiness was in danger. You were so lost in thinking of the way your relationship had grown, you didn't notice the bed shifting lightly next to you. You weren't really surprised when you felt a body roll on top of yours a chin placing itself on your shoulder. You let him read the fond words grinning when you heard him lightly laugh into your hair arms turning your body around to smother you in light kisses.

Jeonghan would tease you about the song joking about how you must really love him to write such a cheesy song, but he only pokes fun with good intentions. He memorized the lyrics softly singing them at random times not even noticing the words coming out his mouth. If he has any say in it, it's the song he’ll sing at your wedding.

Joshua

Song: Heaven - Exo

“Hello angel, you’re like a painting You’re all I see when I look to the skies City street lights, even if the lights go out And the moon disappears, it’s bright because I have a star that fell from the skies And it’s you

I keep laughing for some reason every night Even when I close my eyes, I can’t sleep I spend the entire night with thoughts of you Your sparkling smile lets me breathe Probably you, you I’m sure you have wings hidden behind your back Anyone can tell you’re my angel I can fly as long as I’m with you”

You couldn't help but laugh as Joshua was fighting with a pigeon who was trying to steal the sandwich in his hands. You had come on a date to Han River riding your bikes with Joshua carrying a blanket in his backpack and you carrying a picnic basket. You had told him to eat his food before the birds caught wind of it, but he insisted on taking pictures because Minghao wanted some. You shook your head lightly when Joshua offered the bird a small piece and it finally left him alone. Giggling to yourself, you looked up at him munching happily on his sandwich features highlighted by the sun’s light.

Getting the little notebook you always carried around with you from his backpack, you started writing a song about your angelic boyfriend. Everything seemed easier when you were with him. Brighter. Happier. Every moment was spent beautifully and every action was laced with love. Even breathing seemed easier around him. Every few moments, you would look up at him, your chest shaking with a quiet laugh, and your eyes sparkling with mirth before clutching the notebook to your chest and continuing to write. Joshua eventually took note of this placing his head on his hands and softly asking what you were up to. You narrowed your eyes playfully giving him the notebook with your heart fluttering nervously. As he read the words, his smile would grow bigger and the blush on his cheeks would deepen. He would reach out to ruffle your hair promising hugs and kisses when you got home. Well, he didn't fail to deliver.

Joshua would be playful but serious about the song you wrote. He definitely grew confidence in your relationship becoming touchier. Randomly rapping trying to rhyme with love around you. He would take a picture of the page looking at it and smiling because he knew no matter what happened, his own angel was waiting for him to be in their arms and he was always ready for endless amounts of love you were sure to shower him with. 

Jun

Song: Moon And Back - Alice Kristiansen 

“baby to the moon, and back i still love you more than that when your skies are grey and your whole world is shakin' to the moon, and back i love you more than that we may fall but we'll keep on going we may break but we won't say broken through the cracks in the road the flowers grow”

Your hands that were clutching on to the glass of water shook slightly after having to calm down your boyfriend who had been crying for a multitude of reasons. Missing his family and believing he wasn’t good enough for both the group and you were the main reasons. You had calmed him down with a hand rubbing at his back and comforting words whispered into his tear stained shirt. You convinced him to play some games to distract him. Entering his room you saw him now fully immersed into his game fingers hurriedly jabbing at the buttons as he sat on the floor.

You placed the water on his nightstand watching as he sent a small smile your way at the sound of the glass hitting the wood of the furniture. You made your way towards him sitting down knees and thighs brushing against his. You couldn’t stop yourself as you analyzed him before whipping out your phone starting to write what you deemed a song. Junhui had always asked you how much you loved him, and you always answered “to the moon and back”. But both of you knew the love you held for each other was immeasurable. You would be there for each other no matter what life had in store for you. Smiling in satisfaction, you softly nudged Jun with the edge of your phone. You watched as his expression became shyer laughing under his breath. He didn't say anything for a little bit needing time to process just how fast his heart was beating. Taking a deep breath, he’d exhale slowly falling into your body while digging his face into your neck telling you to just stay like that for a little bit.

Jun would always go quiet whenever you mentioned the song, always needing time to fully process the fact that yes, you had written a love song for him. A song that always managed to make his heart stop just thinking about it. He would find himself murmuring the words while lost in thought smiling softly at the thought of the song and of you.

Hoshi

Song: Starlight - Taeyeon Ft. Dean

”Reflected in my eyes is your squinted eyes, yeah You’re smiling behind that awkward face You’re so lovable, I couldn’t hold back, oh I discovered you like a miracle, you always make me smile You are my starlight

You are my starlight, shine on my heart When I’m with you, it feels like I’m dreaming all day You are my starlight, I get so happy Your love is like a gift”

You were laying on your stomach in the practice room working on a present for your boyfriend as he worked on a new choreography for the group. You smiled at the fact that even though he was probably tired and sleepy, his eyes looked as bright as ever. You had been there keeping him company all day, but you didn't mind. You were rewarded with Soonyoung flopping next to you and showering you with love in the form of kisses and tickles every few minutes.

You checked the time on your phone noticing it was close to it being time to go home since Soonyoung never liked staying too late when you were with him. You tried speeding up your writing a bit not noticing your boyfriend approaching you until he was right in front of you. You tried hiding what you were working on by shoving it under your body, but it was too late. Soonyoung was able to clutch on to it and read what you were working on as you whined about it not being finished yet. You would see his hands start to tremble and his eyes shimmering. You asked what was wrong, but he’d shake his head taking your face in his shaking hands softly kissing you while thanking you in between kisses. Soonyoung would feel so touched, but he would smile shakily not letting his tears fall, his hands falling to clutch on to your own.

You bet Soonyoung would make a little dance to your song, and he would make you dance to it with him telling you had to dance since you wrote it. This would lead to many moments of you guys laughing on the floor and randomly hugging each other. Hosh would always have the brightest smile on his face just thinking about the song, and he would get clingy too not being able to stop smothering you in his love because oh wow he loved you so much he felt like he was going to burst.

Wonwoo

Song: Beautiful Feeling - Day6

”Shivers go down my body I’m so happy That I’m shedding tears Some people say love But I think There’s something more than that If you know, tell me If there isn’t, make one up To this beautiful feeling This beautiful feeling

Like and love Aren’t enough To express this beautiful feeling”

You should have expected Wonwoo taking a long time trying to decide between what book he wanted to take home, but sitting there in the book store on a pair of love seats facing each other you were beginning to think you seriously underestimated Wonwoo’s indecisive book choices. You looked at him, glasses sliding down the slope of his nose and eyes focuses on the book in his hands. It was like you weren't even there. Shaking your head fondly, you decided to work on the song you would eventually give to him.

Practically shoving your nose in your notebook, you too became focused on the words spilling across the page. You didn't notice Wonwoo getting up until you felt a shoe softly nudging your leg. Looking up to see him with a bag already in his hands you bashfully smiled when his eyebrows raised tilting his head in question of the notebook in your hands. You waved slightly to the other love seat giving him your notebook when he was settled. His eyebrows furrowed, and he looked up at you with a shocked pointing at himself as if questioning how such lovely words could be written about.. him. You nodded with your eyes never leaving his. He took a deep breath. He had so much waiting to spill out in pure adoration for you, but he couldn't do it in public. Getting home and he would tentatively put your notebook down before bringing you into his embrace. He cradled your head in his hand with the other on the small of your back leaning his head against yours, and he’d close his eyes tightly not saying anything. He just wanted to savor the feeling of you in his arms, your scent giving him the most wonderful high, and your hands clutching on to his shirt.

Wonwoo would be distracted for a while, head swimming with thoughts of you. Your words inspired by him flashing behind his eyelids every time he closed his eyes. He scoffed reading a romance novel or watching a tv show because no matter what, nothing would ever be able to compare to the love story between him and you.

Woozi

Song: Let Me - Got7

“It might have been the bright sun My face turned red probably It might have been just a feeling I saw you blush too I’m getting drunk on a good feeling today Neither of us even touched alcohol Can I softly hold your hand If you’re ok, can I go for it? Baby Let me hold your hand

Will you be by my side, by my side Can I hold your hand? Don’t be shy Today we come together Today you are especially lovely to me Tonight is our Just one chance Can I hug you? Don’t be afraid Today we come together”

At this point in your relationship, Jihoon had written tons of love songs inspired by you. Each one always making your heart flutter when you heard it. Almost each one having been softly sung against your skin by him. Each one imprinting themselves across the expanse of your chest and heart. You had never been one to write love songs, when there were already millions of them, but now that you had Jihoon in your life, it was the only thing you could think about. You eventually gave in to the temptation, but you hadn't told him of the song.

Sitting with him in his studio, you watched him totally immersed in his songs bringing the lyrics to life with different beats and melodies. Meanwhile, you were working on your own song. The love song your members had begun teasing you about. You had finished it a long time ago, but you kept changing things because you were nervous. You slipped his own headphones off his head gently smiling nervously when he looked at you with questioning eyes. You slipped your own headphones plugged to your laptop with the song ready to play over his ears. You played with your fingers, but when he looked up you almost jumped back in surprise. You had never seen his eyes hold so much love and adoration before. He was looking at you like you had hung the moon and stars in the sky. He would want to be as close to you pulling you on to his lap and resting his head on your chest.

Jihoon would feel like he was floating because you had just told him you love him in his language. Music. He would not be able to stop himself from using some of your lyrics in one of his own songs, with your permission of course, It would be the song that always bought him strength when he stayed late in the studio, and a song that made him happier in general.

DK

Song: The Way You Smile - NewSong ft. Francesca

“The way you open the door you always see about me Treat me like I'm a princess boy you're so sweet Love the way that I feel when I'm in your arms You whisper "You're beautiful" so safe and warm There's a million more, these are just a few Of the many reasons I love you

But there's something about the way you smile I can see forever in your eyes Telling me I'm yours and you're all mine The way that you smile We're like two lovers in a sweet romance I'm your leading lady and you're my man You can say I love you with just a glance”

You were sitting on the couch with the tv in front of you playing an anime Dokyeom had been wanting to see for a long time finally having found the time to do so. He always moved a lot when watching anime because he just got too excited to keep still, so he had ended up sitting in front of you on the floor with his back to the couch in between your legs watching the tv with bright wide eyes. You had been running your hands through his hair until he didn't notice you had stopped in favor of working on the song in your laptop. 

When he did notice, he didn't seem to mind much his laughter almost as loud as the tv when something particularly funny happened. He would tilt his back to beam at you, and you never failed to return the same smile. You got thirsty heading to the kitchen to get water making the mistake of leaving your laptop open on the song. You got lost in thought not hearing the sound of the anime stop or your song start. It wasn't until the song was almost done that you noticed, running into the living room just as Dokyeom looked up at you with flushed cheeks and teary eyes. He asked you who the song was about with a shaking voice and you replied with a simple “you”. He basically stumbled across the room and crashing into your body sobbing into your neck. You could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest pressed against yours. You wrapped your arms around him just as tightly as his were wrapped around you asking him what was wrong. He just responded with “no one has ever done something as beautiful or lovely as this for me”. 

Dokyeom would become a bit shy around you for a while after this, bursting out into giggles whenever he saw you. After that wore off, he would get a surge of confidence flirting with you but immediately getting shy and giggly afterwards. 

Mingyu

Song: Touch - Nct 127

“Your voice that calls my name makes my heart drop From some point, I started to talk just like you I can figure it all out, once I hold your hand Once I hold your hand, you know

I don’t know how I can withstand you Even I’m shocked over how I’m being, it’s true My feet won’t listen And keeps following you”

You groaned as you made your way to a bench under a tree next to the field Mingyu had taken you to. He and some of the members wanted to play some games outside, and he had decided to bring you along with him. Something about seeing how manly he looked while throwing a ball at Seungkwan’s face. You were grateful to spend some time with him, but you envied the ball being held by his arms as he talked with the members about the rules of whatever stupid game they had made up. 

Nevertheless, you found the opportunity to work on the song you had been working on. You preferred the comfort of your studio, but the fresh breeze and warmth of the sun wasn't too bad.  You had your headphones fitting your head snuggly, so you didn't hear the boys shouting at you because Mingyu had accidentally kicked the ball too hard, and it happened to be in your direction. It hit the laptop not only cracking the screen but shoving it off your lap and crashing into the ground. Luckily, you had the song saved on your studio computer, but it was still upsetting as you had made some changes to the song. You felt your heart sink as frustration clouded your mind making your eyes water. Mingyu swore he had never run so fast in his life, but when he got to you, you started blabbering about the song he didn't even know existed. You told him to take you to your studio where you showed him the song with a pout and mad puppy eyes. Mingyu felt so bad, but at the same time he felt so good because he was sure his heart was a melted puddle on the ground.

Mingyu loved the song, finished or not. He loved everything about it running at you to pinch your cheeks and call you cute then running away with a loud laugh promising he would cook you a feast at an hourly rate. The feast was never cooked because Mingyu was too busy still thinking about the song and being overwhelmed by giddiness. He would not be able to keep his hands away from you for at least two or three weeks.

The8

Song: I Do Adore - Mindy Gledhill

”Everything you do it sends me Higher than the moon with every Twinkle in your eye You strike a match that lights my heart on fire

When you're near, I hide my blushing face And trip on my shoelaces Grace just isn't my forté But it brings me to my knees when you say”

You were in China. Minghao would be gone for some time while filming a show, so he wanted you to come with him. You agreed since you were on break. You forgot one minor detail. You can’t speak mandarin. Of course, you had your boyfriend, but he wasn't always with you which led to some awkward situations. You really didn't know how to tell the elderly man you were, in fact, not his long lost granddaughter. Minghao was currently filming, and he had left you in an empty room in the building telling staff to leave you be.

Minghao had been so patient and sweet (maybe a bit teasing) with you all throughout the trip, you felt inspired to work on the love song you had started a while ago. The room was empty, and the building had pretty thick walls, so you decided not to use your headphones. You would have to take a step back because the thought of Minghao hearing the song made you feel hot and made you bury your head into your hands shaking the nerve racking thoughts away. You were so immersed in the song nodding along to the beat, you didn't notice the man entering the wrong room until you felt a hand on your shoulder and a voice speaking in rapid mandarin. Turns out the man was a producer and really liked your song. You sat there with wide eyes frozen in your seat as the man spoke excitedly. Fortunately, Minghao wrapped up filming seeing the situation and quickly coming to your rescue. He talked with the man a bit before the producer left telling Minghao his partner wrote great love songs.

He asked you about it, and you would give in showing him the song while shyly hiding behind your hands. Hearing the song, Minghao would have to bite his lip to stop the big smile threatening to take over his face. He’d bury his face in your hair softly kissing your forehead and asking you why you did weird things to his heart while softly laughing. Minghao would ask to hear the song daily, always taking you in his arms as he listened to the sweet song.

Seungkwan

Song: Spring Love - Eric Nam x Wendy

“We fell asleep on a bench, leaning on each other The sweet cherry blossom colors the clear sky I wish it was always like this The name that changed us, spring spring spring I love you, I love you, I love you

Be my spring, I’ll always be your flower I hope we can melt each other and open each other up Our heart to heart that wasn’t visible before Now we’re facing each other The hidden flower is finally blooming I think spring has come”

You were curled up on Seungkwan’s bed working hard on the song you wanted to give to him as an anniversary present. It was basically finished, you just needed to add some finishing touches to it. You didn't notice that in trying to prepare this beautiful present for your boyfriend, you had neglected the poor man. He had enough, coming into the room whining and flopping down onto the bed telling you to pay attention to him while glaring at your laptop. He suggested going for a walk which you happily agreed to practically getting dragged out the building.

You hummed happily grasping Seungkwan’s hand in yours as he laughed and made jokes about stupid things the members had done. He asked about your day contentedly swinging your joined hands. The walk eventually turned quiet with the both of you enjoying each other’s presence and the nice weather. You felt so calm and peaceful you didn't notice yourself start to hum and softly sing the very song you were working on. Seungkwan asked you what song was stuck in your head, and you felt your soul leave your body. You tried lying by naming random songs, but Seungkwan had always been able to read you well, so he knew you were lying. You eventually gave in with slumped shoulders telling him you had made a song for him. He immediately asked to hear it, and you showed it to him returning back to the dorms. His voice trembled as he whispered words of gratefulness against your neck tenderly kissing the skin there as he sniffled trying to get his emotions together.

Seungkwan would demand to be on the song. He wanted to give back to you in some way, and he wanted to be a part of this beautiful song you created. It was a song he would always randomly sing laughing obnoxiously when the members asked him what song he was singing. He would sing it to you when you were near him tracing lines along your skin while smiling adoringly at you. He was just always singing the song.

Vernon

Song: Spring Memories - N.Flying

“Let’s fill each other’s empty spots I’ll comfort you just like we did back then

On that spring dazzling day

It won’t be like the first time but you’re always dazzling It’s like magic, on the same day So spring can eternally dazzle”

You sipped at the drink you had ordered at the café you and Vernon always met at, or more like walked up the counter and got asked “the usual” and you nodded while taking a seat in the corner of the quaint room waiting for Vernon. As always you wore a mask and hat. The café was in the quieter part of the city, but you could never be too careful. The barista who had long ago been able to recognize you had even given a dessert of your choice on the house. Deciding to work on the song you had been working on, your eyes didn't leave the screen of your laptop. 

You were confused when your vision suddenly went dark, but you were quickly able to recognize Vernon’s cologne. Grabbing a hold of his hands you turned around being met with his bashful yet bright smile. Slipping your headphones down to your neck, you got up to give him a hug. You had been tinkering with the lyrics, so they were on display on the screen. Vernon was facing the screen, and you didn't notice him reading the lyrics. It wasn't until a little bit after you sat down that he asked about the song. His eyes were filled with confusion. He mentioned that you never wrote love songs, usually being in charge of the more personal songs. “Well now that I have a wonderful muse to inspire me I can”. He asked if you were serious with a growing smile on his face. All your attention was on him now as you rested your chin on your hand softly nodding at him. He took in your answer and the warmth in your eyes not being able to stop himself from shoving his face into his hands to hide his flushed cheeks. You simply laughed taking his hand away to adoringly touch the tinted skin of his cheek before driving the conversation away from the song promising to send it to him when it was done.

When you did send the song to Vernon, someway, somehow, he would make it his ringtone. Proudly smiling when his phone rang and shaking his head when the members asked what song it was. This would actually give him the courage to show you all the raps he has written about you when he was too shy to show you before. 

Dino

Song: Life Is Rosy - Jess Penner

“I watch the sun, it's setting in your eyes Can you tell I'm wrapped up in your spell Yeah, it's all good and well I think I realize Beautiful yeah it's so wonderful Oh, darlin' don't you know That life is rosy Hey, look at my heart I think it's the start of something new“

Your knee wouldn't stop bouncing, your feet kept wiggling, and your fingers wouldn't stop tapping on your desk. You were nervous, your tongue feeling heavy in your mouth, and your stomach seemingly pushing against your ribs. Chan was going to visit you in the studio, and you were going to show him the song you had written while keeping him in mind. Of course, you had written many love songs before he came into your life, but this was different. Those songs were always inspired by childish assumptions you had on love because of inexperience.

This song was made with flashes of his smile and touch constantly flashing in your head. You groaned running your hands through your hair freezing when you heard a knock on your studio door. Wiping your sweaty palms on your pants, you opened the door relaxing when you saw Chan’s smile face as he greeted you with a hug and a playful poke at your abdomen. You timidly told him you had something to show him slipping your headphones onto his ears before dropping your hands to rest them on his shoulders. Turning around you caught your reflections on the mirror that rested against the wall. Him, a young but amazing dancer in the industry, and you, a young but talented producer in the same industry. You were so focused on the mirror you didn't see Chan taking off the headphones to turn the chair around and pull you into his lap. He would cling on to you tightly because wow he was so in love with you. Every flaw and every quirk he loved because it meant getting to see your smile and have you in his arms. His talented little producer was someone he swore he would never let go of.

Chan would be a bit quiet for a little bit, because he was just taking it all in. It suddenly weighed on him what you mean to him. You had become someone to him that he would drop anything for. Someone that always made his heart beat faster at close proximity, and no matter how he thought of it, he wouldn't change that for the world.

#seventeen reactions #seventeen reaction #seventeen #seventeen fanfic #seventeen fluff #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen x reader #seventeen imagine #seventeen scenario #seventeen fanfiction #svt reactions #svt reaction #svt imagines #svt scenarios #svt imagine #svt scenario #svt fluff #svt fanfic #svt fanfiction #svt x reader #s.coups x reader #jeonghan x reader #jun x reader #joshua x reader #mingyu x reader #Wonwoo x reader #vernon x reader #woozi x reader #seungkwan x reader

[maeve-moon]

maeve moon ~

( im yoona, cis female, she / her) i took a trip into town and ran into MAEVE MOON at the general store. isn’t that the NOMAD you told me about last week? the one who is 28, as well as ADAPTIVE and PERSEVERING? well, we didn’t chat for long because they had to get back to their job as the LIBRARIAN, so i can’t say for sure, but i think you might be onto something…they even mentioned they want to DISCOVER WHO SHE TRULY WAS AND SETTLE DOWN like you said. + faye, 20, she / her, gmt + 8

Maeve Mae-Goo Moon was born in Ireland to her Korean immigrant parents. As a kid, their family would take trips back to South Korea every year or so and visit their relatives. She was always at the end of veiled ridicule from her cousins because she wasn’t “Korean” enough.  Even if she only stumbled her way through basic Korean, she still made it a point to be in good graces with her extended family.  Despite that, she would always be excited when they’d take a trip to her grandparents' little cottage in Buan-gun to spend a few days on their farm. She remembers how she’d bring a book to their porch and read while her grandpa would make jam from whatever fruit grew that season.

Mae Goo started using only her English name, “Maeve”, when she transferred for secondary school. She was getting tired of people asking her to say her name over and over again because it was “different” from all of theirs.She once had a project where she had to present about her heritage and culture. Again, she felt like at a crossroads. Would people judge her if she talked about being Irish but looked otherwise? Would people question her being Korean if she’s only been there for vacations? Was she Irish enough? Was she Korean enough? She decided to just combine the two as it proved the best decision. Her friends - to her shock - loved her presentation and regaled her with questions about the marriage of these two cultures in her life. While she loved answering them, that whole project just left another gnawing void of unanswered questions within her. 

When Maeve found out that her application and scholarship to a university in Switzerland was approved, she was elated. She thought that maybe moving out of her comfort zone would finally provide some answers. While in Geneva, she found a new sense of self in fields of flowers that seemed to stretch on for miles. She found it when she was awake until 2AM typing out the words for her essay due the next day. She found it punching out numbers in sync with whatever formulas were needed to complete her undergraduate thesis in finance. She found it when she received her diploma and felt like she could do anything if she put her mind to it. But all good things come to an end. The high she rode kept waning as the days passed. Her questions were still unanswered and she's reluctantly trying to make peace with the fact that maybe, they won’t ever be answered. 

A few months have passed and Maeve figured it was time to get a job. She applied to a few companies in Galway and surprisingly heard back from most of them. Her parents were a little concerned that she wasn’t accepting any of these offers. What Maeve didn’t tell them was that she was waiting on a reply for an internship that would - yet again - take her to a new country. Maybe another new beginning would kick start the spark she so desperately needed. A week passed, then another, and she was this close to accepting the fact that she’s going to tell the bank a few blocks from her home that she’d accept their job offer when the email popped in her inbox. She got accepted for the internship. 

Her internship was all that she wished for. She made new friends, went on a few dates, volunteered at the local animal shelter, and read more books. She eventually began feeling comfortable in her own skin. She got hired midway through her internship. She had fun at her job (financial analyst for an advertising company) until waking up on the weekdays felt like a chore. While she was doing her best, she rarely received a promotion. After working there for almost five years, she decided it was time to quit. 

Maeve was scared - terrified, honestly - of starting anew. Her “new beginnings” didn’t always give her the satisfaction she longed for. She’s read countless books about epic detours and how the main character would just let life be - without any expectations, without any boundaries. Maybe she needed her own epic detour. She found the opportunity in a flyer about this small town holding a festival that had long since passed. It was a 5 hour train ride from where she lived and had a job opening at the library. Long story short, she packed up her bags and moved into her new cozy apartment in Pelican Town. Now, her only worries include recommending the right books to people and trying to keep her vegetable patch alive. It’s been slow progress, but she can slowly feel herself starting to belong in this small town. The fear of not being able to settle down is still there but it’s been quiet these past few months. The questions she’s had about herself haven’t totally stopped. However, she feels like she might find some answers while she’s here.  

Some headcanons:

Maeve loves to read! She has a wall full of books in her apartment and is quite generous in lending them to her friends in town. 

She’s been trying to plant some vegetables in her little backyard but cannot, for the life of her, grow anything.

She loves to cook and is now learning to incorporate the local produce into her Korean dishes. But she cannot bake at all. Her muffin mix exploded in the oven and she’s sworn it off since.

Maeve has mild scoliosis so she’s often walk around with her shoulders hunched. Don’t tell her, she’ll bite you

She loves giving people food!! Come by and she’ll reheat whatever you want and give you some snacks to go.

Maeve grew up dancing (hip hop, contemporary, jazz)! If you pass by her apartment, you could probably see her busting some moves to the latest hit song.

Wanted connections

Bookish best friend

Someone who’ll teach her gardening / baking

A wingman / wingwoman give this little lady some action

A “bad” influence get this little lady out on a few drinks, maybe go skinny dipping

A neighbor! they can be friends? hang out? find each other annoying? 

#about #dewintro #hey all here's maeve!

[missjackil]

Season 8

I’ve seen a lot of discussion about Season 8 lately, most of you hate it, or at least the first half. Understandable really, it was a train wreck! I will go on record to say that yes, Sam was very OOC for not looking for Dean, but it’s canon, so we do have to accept it. 

I do think however, I may understand what Carver was going for with it. I’m not saying it was executed well, but from what all happened in the previous seasons, I think it was very important to establish who the brothers are to each other. Looking back through every season before this one, though there were some very good broments a lot the way, there were a lot of unnecessary fights, lies, insults and mistrust. How could they really sell to us how deeply they love each other while they keep hurting each other so badly? 

In this essay, I may come down hard on both brothers at times. Please dont take it that I hate either or that I’m a stan for one or the other. I love these boys... flaws and all, so if you’re okay hearing your fav isnt always perfect (whichever bro that might be) please continue :)

In the beginning of Season 8, we have this strange, awkward, and OOC clusterfuck that we all blame bad writing for. And it was, I agree, and so do Jared and Jensen, but they both love where it led and are proud of the finished product. 

I’ll start with the major OOC elephant in the room that is Sam not looking for Dean. He never really gives us a reason, even though later in the season he says that his whole world imploded, came raining down on him and he ran. We have to keep that as the only canonical reason as to why he didn't, so we only have headcanons to fill in the blanks. My main concern with it really is just that I am sure that Sam would have at least established Dean was dead for real, before moving on. There were no bodies, or even any blood, to indicate that Dean might be dead. I do believe that Sam would have or should have at least bought an Ouija Board , but then what could he do? Everyone he knew who could help him was dead. All the lore books they’d been using for 7 years were burned up in Bobby’s house. All that was left was Dad’s journal which had very little information in it. So he accepts Crowley’s words “You are in fact truly on your own”, fixed up the Impala and drove. 

I don't believe Sam was suicidal. Crushed yes, depressed as hell but he won't kill himself without helping people in some way. Same with Dean. They may have wanted to die and would welcome death many times, but they're selfless martyrs, they won't eat a bullet or drive off a bridge, unless it was for a greater good. So Sam didnt look for Dean, because “Dean wouldnt want that” as we saw how pissed Dean was at Sam in S4 when he thought Sam sprung him from Hell, Sam had to remember that.  Sam also knows he wanted Dean to have a normal life when he was gone, and Dean was nearly successful. Also, in the very same episode that Dean apparently died in, Bobby told them both upon leaving, “when it’s your time... go” So Sam most likely thought Dean would be proud of him if he moved on. That IS why Dean taught him how to fix the Impala a few years back right?

So Sam tries to move on. I hated Amelia, but I dont think we were ever supposed to really like her or “ship” them, we were supposed to feel the fakeness, how awkward and just wrong it was. Sam never looked content with her, even though once she stopped treating him like trash, he smiled a lot, he never seemed happy. She was nothing more to him than a grief partner and a physical distraction. He probably enjoyed playing house though, having a dog, getting a paycheck, but it wasn't really his life. 

Meanwhile, Dean is in Purgatory with Cas and Benny, fighting monsters every day all day for a year. And this isn't a bad place for Dean honestly, he even referred to it as his “happy place” later, but it wasn't home, and Sam wasn't there. So in addition to slashing monsters all day, Dean was trying to find his way out to get back to Sam and their life. 

Dean comes out and finally, he meets back up with Sam. The reunion hug was amazing! One of my favorites. they both looked genuinely happy to be with their brother again, but it was sadly short-lived.  When Dean told Sam he wasn’t dead, he was in Purgatory, you can see the color leave Sam’s face. Like “Shit, I fucked up, I should have looked for him.” and then comes Sam’s big reveal that he got out of hunting. Watch how he says this. He’s not hiding it, he’s kind of cheerful about it, not like when Dean came back from Hell and he knew he was doing something Dean would be pissed at, he may have THOUGHT Dean would be pleased that he tried to move on, but obviously, Dean was not. 

Im not blaming either of them for what they felt. They’re both justified in it. Sam felt like Dean would want this for him, and Dean felt like Sam was out there looking for him, or at least missing him terribly, and needed to get back. Imagine if you will, as each other's spouse. One goes off to war, goes MIA and is presumed dead, though no body is found. It may have been established beforehand that if anything happened to the soldier, that his remaining spouse is to move on with their life. However the soldier isn't dead, he’s a POW and he busts his ass for a year to try to get home. You bet he’s going to be pissed off when he gets home to see his spouse DID move on and didn't even ask for proof he was dead first. 

Now we have Dean angry with Sam, Sam feeling guilty, but not willing to take the griping, so he’s going to fire back, and start threatening to leave. We have known from day 1 that Dean doesn't want Sam to abandon him. But he feels like Sam abandoned him in Purgatory, and now he’s trying to abandon him in the real world. 

I feel like, at this point, Sam felt like he had the upper hand. He had the “Stop nagging me or I'm out” card, but he didn't know Dean had a card left to play either. He had the “Leave me and I'll replace you” card.  This takes us to when Sam met Benny. Sam had been looking at schools again, weighing his options, so Dean thought it was time to introduce him to Benny. 

Dean hadn't seen Benny since they got back, so had he and Sam been in good graces, I don't think Dean would have run out to help him when he called, or at least he wouldn't have been secretive about it, but they were on shaky terms and if Sam wanted to play emotional chicken with him, Dean can play this game too. There was no reason at all for Dean to have told Sam to meet him at the dock. Dean had his car, Sam had to steal one to get there. Sam rushes because he thinks Dean needs him, and now he’s not answering his phone, and Sam is panicking. Dean had told him he was on this hunt with a friend, but Dean doesnt have any friends right? Certainly none he can trust to have his back in a hunt right? Dean must be in trouble! However, when Sam gets to the dock, Dean is pulling up with this big dude. The camera focuses on Sam and Benny’s hands long enough for us to notice that Benny’s hand is bigger than Sam’s. Sam turns from pissed off brother, reluctant hunting partner, to jealous spouse in 60 seconds. He goes for his blade, he’s going to kill this bastard! Dean shakes his head.... “no”. Sam had no idea Benny was a Vamp at that point, he was going to kill his replacement. Dean got this, oh so smug look on his face “Go ahead and leave me.... but don't think I’ll be alone”.

I'm going to leave it there because I don't want to analyze the entire season. What I want to show you is that Carver must have wanted to deconstruct the entire relationship, look at each piece of it, and show it to us, and then put it back together by the end of the season. By the end of Sacrifice, we learned Dean doesn't want to be without Sam but is willing to let Sam go and live his normal life, but to do that Dean wants to go out saving the world so Sam and everyone else can be safe. Sam doesn't want to be without Dean, but he thinks he's lost Dean’s trust, and he’s been replaced by Benny, Cas and holds Dean back from doing what he wants, so he’s going to save the world, even though it’s going to kill him in the process. 

Dean had told Sam that he didn't burn Benny’s body when he killed him, and Sam said he understood, and he might need him later. 

So I hope you can see why I feel Carver did this. I for one knew that Sam and Dean loved each other, but I honestly didnt see this “nothing comes before you” type bond before S8. So he took everything, from the very root, in the beginning, and laid it all out on the table for us, before giving us this epic defining moment in the Church between Sam and Dean. Sam would rather die than lose his place with Dean, and Dean would rather kill them all and let the world burn than to lose Sam, 

So even though I think the beginning was poorly executed, I do appreciate what it was showing us and I love the finished product. There hasn't been a more defining season in the whole series. As much as you might hate S8, you probably wont ever put the church scene out of your mind, and what led up to it. So, in my humble opinion, rocky start Mr Carver, but well played 🙌

#spn #SEASON 8 #sam and dean #my meta

[ariesbilly]

the ep i downloaded doesnt even have the first like 5 minutes and i honestly do not care enough to go find a proper dl lmao the less i know the better

you may be presenting me f*lice in this scene but all i want is for fp to fuck tom to keep him off his tracks

betty being a serpent pisses me off and like its not even in a way i should be pissed off lmao like im just thinking if i was a serpent and this preppy ass bitch came rolling in like ~oo i wanna join ur gang 4 mi bf~ id slap her

this is TVD levels of anger all over again i thought i was past this point in my life. i am not. 

i dont believe any of these men are italian (except maybe the fat man on the left, he looks like he could be one of my great uncles) so i dont know what is with this italian mafia music 

that man is not italian i take it back. he looks make scandinavian 

oh his last name is scandinavian lmfao im a detective 

“i wasnt gonna let them disrespect you” archibald shut the fuck up

fp wears that damn flannel all the time because it reminds him of his last peaceful moment.... which he shared with fred. in this essay i will explain-

fp and alice are so much more fun as bickering siblings like why did yall have to go and make it sexual jfc

penelope wearing black lace will ALWAYS be a mood. go on and get it my hot goth wife!

“act normal, right?” since when does that include getting a fucking serpent tattoo i HATE SO MCUH ALL THE TIME !!!!

i cant hear the name darla without thinking of Just Friends. “your names are CLARKE and DARLA ??” iconic

fred gets to be wholesome with jughead and fps gotta kick archies ass lmfao what is this show anyway we love dads coparenting!

i support darla sending the coopers and jones to prison

what bank is gonna let betty take out 10 grand ??? how do the coopers have 10 grand ?? idk how money works im poor

im sorry whomst the fuck is tryna make me believe hermione is afraid of hiram and isnt doing all this of her own volition like ??? fake news

since when does nana rose give a fuck about cheryl come on now

yall dont get woke points for this conversion therapy plot lmfao nice try sweaty

um i hope you plan on fixing that door you just smashed down you teenage delinquent 

but like no one in the neighborhood noticed a gang of serpents busting through alices door ?? no one called the cops ???? irresponsible neighbors. see something say something

do bed check ? what? my mother has never in her life checked on me. probably because she passes out at 9 and my ass is up til 3 but ya know. shes doing her best

not to like rain on the gay parade but am i the only one thinking this choni storyline is moving a little too fast ??? i mean i know the whole uhaul lesbian stereotype but my god

dark circle or mortal kombat? i just dont know

so anyway fp and alice discussed their repressed homosexual feelings have a nice day

also i guess in the five minutes that were cut off from this ep i missed the lodge/andrews scene lmfao whoops part of me wants to see it but also i missed the floplice hallway scene and noooo thank you! you lose some you win some more ya know

how are you gonna explain a shiny new car to your father archibald

[imsarabum]

Responses to {Part 23} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^

(I have also included asks that I received in the hours before IWSY was posted ^^)

Anonymous said: I love tuesdays because of you hahaha I can't focus on my assignment bcoz im really excited !!!!!! More strong power thank you !

Oh my god please try focusing on your assignment too! TT I want you to do well and so does Jungkook c: hehe~ Thank you so much love :D

@qigoyangi said: and finally it's Tuesday again!! the only other day in the week that I wait for is Fridays. You left me hanging on the edge with the last update and I'm soo excited for todays update. I loved the concept with the reader being a domitor and I'm looking forward too see how you evolve that. lot's of love and support from Qi

Yes it’s Tuesday! I’m so glad you look forward to Tuesdays because of IWSY! And I’m happy that you’re loving the lore and the concept :3 Thank you so much my love and I hope you enjoy tonight!!

Anonymous said: I just finished taking a test and remember u were uploading today 🙌💞 U light up my days  -wifey anon

Hello wifey anon! And good job on finishing your test! I’m sure you did an amazing job =D Awwww you’re so cute!! You light up my days too :3 I really hope you enjoy tonight’s chapter :D

Anonymous said: I had a really shitty and stressful day and I have just realized it's Tuesday and now I'm like ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) can't wait for tonight's update

Shitty and stressful days are the worst, I’m sorry your day was so crappy :( But I hope that the new chapter was able to cheer you up and make your day a little better :3 Thank you so much babe!

@jynxy24 said: I'm breathing out tge air of my lungs for the upcoming smut!! :3

*breathes with you* I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT MY LOVE!

@animeimmortal said: I had such a shit day and all I'm waiting for is IWSY cuz like yes it does make me angry at times cuz of cliffhangers but then again its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD ❤

I’m sorry you had a shit day my love *hugs* but I hope that IWSY can make you smile today! (apologies again for the cliffhangers :P )

Anonymous said: Girl, I'm dying here.  I need my IWSY fix!

Go go go get it!!

@cotylovesbands said: I can't wait for IWSY!!!!!! I love it so so much 💗

I really hope you enjoyed it my dear! *hugs*

@mocking-butts said: Okay but seriously you're my fav writer ever and I look up to you for writing and I'm way too excited for this chapter you are now the mother of writing I'm calling you mumsy~! I'm so excited I can't stop looking at my phone 😭💕

Omg mumsy *heart flutters* that’s so cute ajkgnakjgadg you’re so sweet what did I do to deserve you?! hehe~ I really hope you enjoyed the chapter babes! Thank you so much :)

Anonymous said: Omfg I'm so excited for the next part, like I've been procrastinating for about an hour on meaning to do homework and this has only solidified that I shouldn't be doing work until I've read the update 😂

Let’s be professional procrastinators together yaaaaay I love doing nothing and leaving everything till the last minute so I can stress cry and worry about everything LOL xD I really hope you enjoyed it my love :3

Anonymous said: I'm buzzing for ISWY, I've had such a shitty time editing this essay and your update is giving me motivation

I’m so glad I can offer you the inspiration to keep editing your essay! You’ll do a good job my dear ^^

Anonymous said: That was such a good chapter!!! But this caught my attention, in a previous chapter, Jungkook mentioned not to let a human become pregnant because it will end badly for everyone? Did he decide it was okay since she was a domintor? Will she die? Will he change her? So many questions! Such a good story, I love it and I love you!

Ahh thank you so much and I love you too!! As for your questions my dear - as always, I never reveal spoilers so you will just have to live with your curiosity for the time being ;D I hope you can understand asdfg :3 Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a great day/night!!

@audreymv said: Yes Yes Yes. I love at the end especially  where they said "You" I can't so much. I love this and omg what is Yoongi actually wanting to do with the reader. Can't be good. God Smut and Fluff. Well this is just my lucky day and I just am so sad that this series is going to end soon. But so relieved and happy hopefully. God this makes me happy. You make me happy with what you do Sara. Thank you

I’m so happy you liked it c: AND HEY WHO SAID IT WAS GONNA END SOON? It ain’t over ‘till it’s over...and my god, nothing has even happened yet! :3 I really hope you’ll look forward to and enjoy what I have planned. I hope that it was be interesting, shocking and enjoyable all at the same time. I’m so excited to write it! And my dear, you make me happy because you’re happy. Thank you for always being amazing :)

Anonymous said: THAT CHAPTER WAS SO GOOOOOOD! I RECENTLY GOT MY FRIEND INTO BTS AND NOW WE LITERALLY JUST WAIT THE WHOLE WEEK FOR YOUR UPDATES!! THANKS FOR WRITING THIS WONDERFUL FANFIC! LOTS OF LOVE❤

YAAAAY THANK YOU SO MUCH! I’M SO HAPPY THAT YOU AND YOUR FRIEND LOVE BTS AND READ MY SERIES :3 you’re so welcome and thank you for reading it and messaging me c:

Anonymous said: LOVE LOVE LOVE IWSY -anon who just read chp.23

Thank you so much for reading it and loving the story so far!! It means a lot to me :)

@mocking-butts said: IM SCREAMING AT THIS CHAPTER I CANT HANDLE THE FEEELS. I'm just going to go cry in a corner while waiting for next weeks update I'm in love with this story how do I properly live?

No don’t cry in a corner that’s not good! :c *hugs* eheh thank you so much for reading it dear ^^ I’m so happy you enjoyed it!

@vtstigmarmy said  Omg it's out! Finally! Its 2am and im hyped!!

Wow it was so late for you! :c I hope you managed to get to sleep after reading it, and thank you so much for staying up so late to read it too!! I hope you liked it!

@animeimmortal said: Oh that was hell of a chapter. Wow like this the smut was spot on and the "I will move mountains...swim an ocean for you" type of thing got me internally screaming for how much I liked it ^^ (so cheesy ^^) my mood went up 100% ❤❤❤  love you 😘

Ahhh I wish I could find someone who would say those words to me and mean them with all their heart ^^ I’m not a huge fan of cheesiness - I find it to be rather cringey most of the time but, when it’s heartfelt and when it’s right for the moment, I accept it :3 lol Ah I’m so glad the chapter could bring your mood up! I love you too and thank you so much :D

@ayedemi said: Iwsy is so good omg, but like vampires and human or half human, gettig kids, i hope it won't be as dramatic as Twilight omg 😂❤

Do not fear! There will be no Twilight fuckery in this story xD You can be sure of that :D thank you for reading love ^^

Anonymous said: Fuck... u NEED to create a TV show out of IWSY I would literally watch it over and over again... 😭 How I wish this could be real life..... 😍 Going through hard times I know I can always count on you xxxx

I would love to make IWSY into a TV show! Omg that would be so cool~ And I wish this world could be real life too....but, I don’t think this scene would be allowed to air on television (not before 9pm anyway lool) I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through hard times. Keep your chin up and keep doing your best, and I’m always cheering you on ^^ Thank you so much my love.

@theninjachan said: "Do I need to ask you a second time, sweetheart? Don’t you wish to please your Prince?”  I just busted a nUT I'M LEAVING PLANET EARTH GOODBYE

SAME GOODBYE GOODNIGHT WHEN WILL A PRINCE EVER WHISPER THAT INTO MY EAR FUCK STOP THE BUS LET ME OFF I

@sorrehbae said: Glad to know im not the only one whos obsessed with iwsy I legit have an alarm and set it in my schedule lmao  I dont even have alarms for school im- Thanks for creating a masterpiece Bye omg （⌒▽⌒)

Oh my god that’s so cute Cx YOU ARE SO CUTE LET ME HUG YOU ;; Thank you so much for enjoying IWSY, and thank you for reading th new update as well ^^

Anonymous said: It was amazing. I. cannot. live. THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE BABBIIIEESSSSS?! But JK needs to turn Y/N because otherwise he will live much longer than she?! But which of the three scenarios (Vampire, Nothing happens, Die) will happen? AHHHH xxxxx UK anon

Baby talk yikes!! I wonder what will happen?! Ahh so many questions! Will Sara answer anything? heeeeeh c: Thank you so much for reading babe ^^

@mysr3 said: Saraa! I LOVE YoU and MAD at YoU at the same time! So GoOd OMG I did feel hot and bothered! Your writing indeed hit my emotional spot again! JK shows who the BOSS here! "I didn’t know what love was....My life was but a barren wasteland…until you walked into it and shed your wonder upon it" ahh Tears at this whole thing- so touching 😭 Give you lot of Hugs and KiSses Thank you Love! Thought last week I struggled hard enough😒 this week seems to be worse! Luv Ya 💖

Nooo don’t be mad at me why!? :3 Lots of hugs and kisses for you too - and I really hope that this week won’t be as bad as last week. Please stay strong okay? You can really get through everything because you are stronger than you think! You have survived all of your worst days so far...remember that ^^ I love you too and thank you so much for reading the chapter my dear :)

@deboracorreia26 said: I'm definitely out of words after this love confession. IWSY is absolutely my favorite fanfic ever, and you are my favorite writer. Love you!

I’m so happy you liked his gentle pillow talk c: *blushes* thank you so much beautiful - thank you for reading the new chapter and I love you too!

Anonymous said: Last week I was like "hmm chapter 22 and there hasn't been another smut scene yet... Suspicious." And then when I was reading it I was like "OOOOOH JUNGKOOK IS MAD I BET THERE'S GONNA BE SOME THINGS GOING ON NEXT CHAPTER....." And then at the end of the chapter I was like "YEAH MAN I CALLED IT THERE'S GONNA BE SOME ~spicy~ SCENES NEXT CHAPTER!" And now I read it and JEEZ LOUISE WAS THAT SOMETHING. Also THE END HAS ME SQUEALING ITS SO CUTE AHH Thank you for writing IWSY it is truly amazing! ~Ro❤️

Hiya Ro! I’m glad you enjoyed the much needed 3rd smut scene in this series :3 muhaha~ Thank you very much for reading it, as it is my pleasure to write it and post it! ^^ Have an awesome day my dear!

Anonymous said: Me trying to be calm after reading IWSY pr 23: well shit, sara... tbh you just made me love you like a billion times more . I applaud you once again on your exceptional writing. Me in all honestly after reading it: HOT DAMN THAT WAS PRETTY JUICY! I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT JUNGKOOK WAS GOING TO PROPOSE AFTER HIS LITTLE SPEECH TOWARDS THE END! anyways... ;'-' please take care of yourself, and you have once again impressed me with your writing! <3 - army anon

But I love you way more, so c: Hello Army Anon! You’re welcome for the hot, sexy juiciness~~ And oh my god a post-sex proposal :3 Prince Jungkook is so romantic, right? :3 I’ll do my best my love! Make sure you take care of yourself too and thank you so much for reading the new chapter :3

Anonymous said: I'm not crying. You are.

You’re not wrong

@koreaisanaddiction said: SARAAA!!! it was so GOOOOOOD!!

THANK YOU MY LOVE!!!

Anonymous said: Idk how many words that chapter was but it was basically en entire chapter of pure smut and I'm happy I waited to read it till I got home because otherwise I'd be fanning my face at school.

I believe it was around 5k words? So, considerably less than the previous chapters but still substantially full! Oh god yes you made a wise decision to wait until you got home :3 Thank you so much for reading it and I’m glad you enjoyed it my love :3

@coppertopging said: AHHHHHHHH why do you do this to us!!! You're a heartbreaker! She's gonna get pregnant! And then Yoongi's gonna get her!!! I just feel it... dammit, woman!

Ahhh you think you have it all sussed out...*giggles* Thank you for reading baby!

Anonymous said: Wow look at all the smutty goodness in that new chapter of IWSY like I was legit jumping on my bed and throwing my phone 😂

All le smutty goodness yay :3 LOL thank you so much for reading it and enjoying it?! :3

Anonymous said: Seriously, "I won't stop you'' is AMAZING -cat anon

Hi cat anon! Thank you so much for liking I Won’t Stop You! :3

@noceurash said: BLESSS , i won't stop you is a blessing to this world. As always ~~ Ily and have a good day today (or tomorrow pft ) ♡♡♡♡ . You're one of my favorite blogs tbh haha ♡

You’re so sweet aghsgksjnds thank you so much for your kind words. I love you too and I hope you have an amazing day or night as well my dear! Take care and thank you so much for reading :3

Anonymous said: I feel emotionally attacked. The most recent update of IWSY hit me in the feels highkey. You never fail to impress :) <3

I feel so happy when you tell me that I impressed you, thank you so much for that sweetie :) And you’re welcome for feeling emotionally attacked! It was my pleasure ~~~

@kookies-hoe said: OH MY GAWDDDDDDD HOW CAN SMUT BE SO CUTEAND FLUFFY AND SEXY AT THE SAME TIME 😭😭😭 Thank you for the new part! Cant wait for 24~ 💕❤

I think the best sexy time is sexy time that is both smutty and fluffy :3 Hehe~ You’re welcome and thank you so much for reading it my love!!

Anonymous said: Omg yassssss THEY BUMPED UGLIES. THIS WAS WHAT I NEEDED. OMFG IM SO HAPPY. LIKE JUNGKOOK IS SO DADDY AND IM A SINNNER BUT I CANT HELP IT. THAT BOY DOES THINGS TO ME. Y/n was getting that good 🍆!  😏😏😏.  But on another note I'm so depressed I can't go to see jungkook this weekend. But I still love him from a far and one day Ima touch him. Mom I hope you've been doing well. My surgery went great and I'm doing fine. It wasn't a big procedure. I love you so much. 💜 ~LilKookieAnon

Hello LilKookieAnon! YES LMAO THEY BUMPED UGLIES and my dear I am so happy that your surgery went well. I hope you are recovering nicely and taking plenty of time to rest and restore your energy! ^^ I’m sorry you can’t go and see BTS :( But I know that one day you will, never give up okay?! I love you so much too and thank you once again for reading the chapter ^^ Take care of yourself okay?

Anonymous said: IWSY, incredible yet again. I will never get over how every single chapter leaves me satisfied AND anticipating the next one! You've really developed the plot so nicely. It's overall one of the best of its kind in my opinion. Keep up the fantastic work Sara! Can't wait for next Tuesday!!! (Also, "I would want no other woman to mother my children..." I'm DED) - 종달새 <3

‘One of the best of it’s kind’ - you are far too sweet, I’m crying at that :c I’m so happy that you like the plot and you’re enjoying the storyline, I really wanted to create a world that everyone can enjoy! And I KNOW RIGHT GOD DAMN IT I HURT MYSELF WITH THAT LINE GOODNIGHT lmao thank you my dear ^^

Anonymous said: IWSY update is the only thing that keeps me going on Tuesday

I’m so happy that it keeps you going *hugs*

Anonymous said: Omg I completely forgot that today IWSY was going to be posted like it was raining earlier and I was making a paper mache(?) piñata with a couple friends but like YES THE SMUT IT WAS GREAT AND SO IS YOUR WRITING

Ooooh paper mache making is so fun! Invite me next time pls :c hehe ^^ Thank you so much for liking and reading the chapter my love :3

@jiyongyu said: There are only a few fics that I absolutely adore and IWSY is one of them. Seriously, I'm always waiting for Tuesday to roll around because I can't wait for the next chapter haha! Thank you for writing such an interesting horror-esque fic! As a fellow horror fan, it's quite refreshing ^^ Anyway KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK ILYYYY ♥

Thank you so much for saying that :) It seriously makes my heart go all dokidoki lmao ~ (I don’t know how to say that in english? haha) I’m so happy that you like my addition to the horror fic genre! That means so much to me~ I will keep doing my best and I love you too ;3

Anonymous said: Idk how you managed to turn to atmosphere of the room from dom!jungkook to something all lovey dicey is beyond me 👏🏼

I really wanted to portray the healthiness of their relationship. Like, he’s definitely a dom but he’s how a dom should be in those type of bedroom adventures~ He is of course authoritative and likes to be in control, but he reads her body language and is attentive to her needs and security and of course, he loves her ^^ I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it :3 Thank you dear!

@jynxy24 Is it wrong that i'm reading this but, I'm like, 14? Sara, you make the best of smut😂 But, I should really stop reading smut what is wrong with me😳 THANK YOU AGAIN FOR A GREAT CHAPTER!! And also, I love the new theme! :3 Have a great day, Sara. Stay awesome!!

JYNxY YOU’RE 14 OH MY GOD YOU POOR CHILD I’M SO SORRY LMAO but tbh, I *do* have it marked as MATURE and there is a warning on it :P I can’t stop minors from reading what I write, just as long as you are mature enough in your self and you are sensible and safe in the real world when you make your own decisions ^^ Thank you so much for loving the new theme! And thank you for reading the new chaptER YOU BAD CHILD (kidding lol) but I think you are mature and sensible so ^^

@ananyak26 said: Part 23 was damn sexy! The last part was so beautiful though! Omg Jungkook's love .. It just killed me! Why can't there be more guys like himxD.. Jk anyway. Beautiful writing as usual

There are no guys like him - only Vampires ;D muahaha(my jokes are so bad forgive me but I try) lol xD THANK YOU so much my love, I’m so happy you enjoyed the chapter :) That means so much to me ^^

@toxic-seoul said: OH MAH LAWD OKAY THAT WAS AMAZING AS ALWAYS. oh god seriously tho I really love Jungkook in this. Yoongi better back the fuck off. I take back all words I said about Yoongi taking reader away & wooing her even tho he's my bias. But.. u kno.. he did kill her parents.. like.. that's a deal breaker. I still love him in this tho like ugh kill me as well. Jungkook and reader are just 2 god damn cute & 2 invested in each other like I can't. Sara ur killing me here & I love it. Keep killing me pls lmao

LOL BACKPEDDLE FROM WANTING YOONGI TO FUCC YOU AGAINST A WALL like fuck lmao~~ they are pretty much 100% invested in each other now, you’re absolutely right. But...I wonder. c: You’re welcome for the death and the smut hehe ^^ thank you so much for reading it and always being super amazing. Take care and have an awesome day love!

Anonymous said: Chapter 23 was some kinky shit

You’re welcome ;D

Anonymous said: I have never liked Vampire!AU or supernatural au but damn WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME !! I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF VAMPIRE JUNGKOOK MAN OMFG 😭😭😩😩🖤🖤🔥 love your writing 🖤🖤 stay healthy and amazing 🖤🖤

That means so much to me!! Thank you for liking my addition to this type of AU :3 Thank you so much and I hope you will stay healthy and take care of yourself too my dear :)

Anonymous said: hello! I am writing just to thank you for writing the jungkook vampire fanfic!!! I just found it yesterday and I read the entire series already!! seriously looking forward for the next chapter. you write so well, I think you can do well as a legit story writer HAHHAA. anyways thanks for all the hard work and for satisfying my fantasies!! <3 u and <3 kookie!!

Thank you very much for writing to me and letting me know! Ahh you read it all in such a short space of time?! *cries* thank you!! you’re so sweet and I hope you will look forward to the rest of the series too my dear. I love you and Kookie as well! Take care love ^^

@wanda-rog said: "If it happens, it happens" JUNKOOK BEFORE IT HAPPENS omg im so exited for the next chapter!!

Hehehe :3 Thank you for being excited for the next chapter! And thank you for reading this chapter too ^^

#IWSY #I Won't Stop You #Responses #Asks #imsarabum

[noctomania]

kinda helped to remember im not alone

i was talkin to a coworker i was training and we got on the topic of obligated gratitude. She brought up that she is grateful to her parents but that they really negatively impacted her at the same time. And it’s literally what i’ve been ruminating over for years ever since i had been in therapy, and she was with me that it just feels like obligated love and it feels wrong but we’re ashamed to ever say such a thing.

They just don’t seem to understand that it’s very hard to be grateful for an opportunity that 1- i didnt want, 2- had practically made me forget who i am and shattered any shred of confidence by the end, 3- has left me in an inescapable mound of debt that didn’t get me any farther than I would have been without the diploma. I know i’ve gotten a lot from it but all it does it just sit in my mind and torment me now because i have nowhere to apply it. I simply was not ready to make the decision that i did and i have to sit with that but they refuse to sit with my resentment of both my choice and their pushing me. hell they don’t even believe they pushed me.

“if you don’t go now you’re going to end up in a rut”

OH YOU...YOU MEAN...LIKE NOW. Right now. I am in a rut the biggest rut of my life it is bigger than my last rut because it’s approx $30,000 deeper, dude, what rut do you understand what a rut is?

and if i had refused to go you know what my option was? to get a job and a place of my own.

okok lemme extrapolate this ....so...you want me to get a degree so that i can get more money at a better job to afford shit, yeh? but somehow you think i can manage to do that a fresh egg out of high school with like max 1yr exp at any job ever and manage to afford rent utilities etc all on my own are you on crack madam. if it was to “teach me a lesson” then theyre bein pretty fuckin redundant since i had a pretty fair understanding of the expense of rent since my mother had to move all the fuckin time bc rent kept goin up while my dad adn stepmom were fuckin buyin houses like candy i am not as stupid as i fuckin look. And I know they never offered to pay my rent if i didnt want to go to school otherwise i abso would have done that. AND would have worked but at a job I would have been interested in not just a job for a money and then i might have found a path i actually wanted instead of picking one out of the air that “might be able to support me later” which turns out being an art teacher is about as stable as being an artist. at least when youre an artist you at least have a room.

and then the audacity to even mention my friend when trying to guilt me for being honest about my resentment. “Think of your poor friend he was poorer than you dont you feel bad resenting what we pushed you in to bc he doesnt have the same opportunity as you do to obtain tens of thousand of debt” why didnt you just put him through instead you fuckin wankers how dense can you be. Like I would have been OVER the moon. No instead they also push him and he flunks out and ends up with debt he has to pay off too.

they say “You could have gone to a cheaper school...”

ok again this is making the whole point of getting an education like something of a mystery to me. If i am going to be made to go and you are going to support me in going to college and leave my options open to which i go to, im going to pick a place that speaks to me considerin i’d be spendin 4 yrs there. my uni didnt have frats or sororities and seemed to have good stats and at the time i was a hopeful teen with hardly ANY idea of what to expect aside from what little hollywood bullshit i was fed about college and college life. i didnt visit a single college except when my sister visited hers (many of mine were out of state bc i just wanted to be tf away from them at that point to be fucking honest), i was hardly involved in the process of FAFSA bc they were like well just do it for you and you sign. i didnt get any of the scholarships i applied for (plus that was exhausting bc they always want to know about the hardest challenges in your life and im sorry but a college essay is not where i want to exhibit a therapy session) what few there were I could apply for. lgbt ones werent really that common at the time.

you know what WOULD have been helpful? is if i had been given more options considering there were a lot more options. like i didnt understand the whole basic classes vs major classes until i was already in the process of figurin out the classes i would be takin. Like i didnt know i coulda done the basics at like a community school real fast or something. Or even get just an associates to test the waters and kinda meet middle ground with me. like there were SO many more options than “go to 4yr college or move out on your own”. all i got from them is they genuinely have no faith in me to get anything done and well dont ya know wouldnt you see i’m getting nothing done. because where i once had imagination, individuality, creativity, and energy....i now have regrets, resentment, mental instability, and work and debt.

They genuinely don’t understand colleges/universities are businesses, not schools. they literally run like a business model moreso than anything because they have to. what this means is they do everything they can to keep you giving them money. i observed it all when i was an RA. i learned about it all in my half-masters. do you understand how frustrating it is to sit there and have they pretty much tell you to your face we are doing everything in our power to keep in here longer to keep your money coming in longer even if it hurts you in the end.

Ok i feel the blood vessels in my right eye wanting to bust so i gotta stop before i go off on other tangents that are lingering

#im pretty much done protecting their feelings they are grown adults #but im pretty sure now i dont talk to anyone in my family anymore at this point so thats new and interesting #and i feel like so many people are going to just see me as an ungrateful pos but im really im just trying to navigate this fuckery #i woke up about 5 years ago and it was about 6 yrs too late already #my 20s have been exceedingly confusing #oddly they have been more confusing than my years living with an alcoholic chronically sick mother and a sadistically abusive sister #prolly cuz i just lived through that and didnt process until 10yrs later. good times #go to therapy kids like early on #ok tags need to be done bye

[fakwed]

I just had a fight with my mom and I feel like she’s completely dismissing my feelings. Like, I’m really stressed out rn over homework, and have been since the first day that summer vacation started.

Every day I worry “I’m not going to be able to finish all this work” and it’s so stressful to constantly have that at the back of my mind all the time. Our fight started because I didn’t want to go to music class. I use to tell people it was a way to get relieve from my stress, but now it just feels like a burden and it’s even started to cause me more stress, so there’s that.

It also doesn’t help when any amount of homework causes me to stress and the work load for this summer is 3 chapters worth of reading for history, study guides and 2 other parts that go with it, my 3 section math homework with khan academy lessons, video lessons, and problems from a calc book, memorizing about 100 words for English and separate mini essays, my science homework, and my remedial online English course. So I feel <i>really</i> stressed out.

I have had less than 60 days to finish it all (i have about 2 weeks and a half left), and I’ve only finished my Spanish homework and a Spanish course to get ahead in my classes. So even with busting my ass for basically a whole month to finish Spanish stuff, my mom basically calls me lazy, “you already had a whole month to do your homework.”

Ok so now I’m going to write what pretty much happened: Before my mom gets home I text her “ma, can I stay home to do homework please” (note how I fuckin even said please, which I rarely say to others unless I really want something). When she gets home with my brother, I can obviously tell she didn’t read it because she still tells me to get ready to go to music class. I say “no I have to do my homework” which is what I was currently doing

She said “you had the whole day to do it”

I said “ i HAVE been doing it all day”

She said “good for you. Hurry up and get ready.”

Now I’m there like, ‘I can’t, I have homework. You’ve seen what i have to do, please let me do this.’ So I tell her, again, “I have to my homework.”

She says I can do it over there, or even on the way there. And I say “ I can’t concentrate there”

So I keep doing homework and my older brother says “you better not be missing out on music” And I’m just thinking in my head 'it’s not like I’m going to do anything with it,’ but I don’t say it out of fear. He stands up and is preparing to leave, but not without fucking trying to tickle me. Which I fuckin hate. I hate it when people touch me when I haven’t given any signal of “ok”. Even if it’s a hug or whatever. Don’t touch me unless I’m ok with it and you.

So I’m there very uncomfortable and already very upset and angry. The second time he tickles me I really wanted to just stab him with the pen I was holding. I was obviously not happy and angry but he kept on trying to tickle me. The third time I was fed up and brought the pen I was holding with my right hand next to my face and pretty much stabbed/poked him REALLY hard, but not hard enough for him to bleed because that would be god awful and I honestly don’t want that to happen.

But he goes ahead and says “god you stabbed me in the eye” but the tone in his voice wasn’t that of a pained person getting stabbed in the eye. And then he said, “just kidding. But you really almost did.” And he walks to the kitchen I think

*this is where things start to get abbot blurry

Mom comes back and something about me needing to get up to go. I stay put, continuing my work.

She insists, “hurry up. We need to go. You can do that over there.”

And that’s where I say that I can’t concentrate. Then she says I can do it on my way there during the car ride. I get upset but I don’t remember if I said I can’t concentrate there ether or if I stayed silent.

I go back to doing my work and I seal my lips. My mom says “hurry and get up.” I’m silent. She says it again, “get up or I’m going to take those from you.”

So I think, 'Really? You’re really going to take away my HOMEWORK???? FOR NOT WANTING TO GO TO MUSIC CLASS???? SO I CAN HAVE THE TIME TO DO MY WORK???’

So now I’m even more upset. How can she criticize me for trying to do my homework.

“Stop throwing a tantrum,” she says. I stay silence and continue my work.

She loses her patience and snatches my history homework and puts it on the bed. I internally laugh because I know I have enough papers to take out if she continues taking my papers. So I get my history chapter 1 study guide, but she takes that away too.

“I dot have time for you to be playing around!” She’s furious.

“IM NOT PLAYING AROUND,” I fuckin lose it. Never have I been playing around. Actually, I stopped messing around months, maybe even years ago. It just feels like too much.

She speaks again, “Don’t yell at me!”

I respond with something like, “YOURE THE ONE YELLING AT <b>M E </b>!!!!” So now we’re both furious, but I have years worth of stress and being looked down upon all pent up and boiling inside me. But instead of it fueling my anger, it just made me brake down crying. I felt totally useless, upset, angry, heartbroken, and very small. I hunched over onto the table and brought my arms up to cover my head, crying. I was whimpering.

She yells something like “you’ve had ((a certain amount of time of something)) to do your work, so I don’t wanna see you stressing on the last day because you didn’t do your work!!”

And I scream, “I HAD A LITERAL MONTH!!!!”

And she responds, “YEAH a 'little’ month!”

She misheard me, so I repeated, “A 'L I T E R A L’ MONTH!!” By now my words are starting to slur.

While we were fighting, I’d notice my brother on the bed silently listening, we were in he living room btw. God I felt so ashamed, but my anger pushed that aside and we’d continue arguing.

She says something about my phone being the reason I’m so stressed out or whatever (not sure if it was before or after I scream at her–what I’m about to type)

And I scream, “IVE BEEN STRESSES SINCE THE FIRST DAY!!!!” And I swear, I broke my own heart. The tears began their, what felt like a never-ending flow.

I don’t remember what she yelled back (probably about the phone being why I’m so stressed). But I remember her being fed up and told my little brother to get up because they’re leaving.

To somehow prove my point of how desperate I am to finish my homework, I lean over to the bed as quickly as I can and I grab them, noticing I crumpled up part of them once I retrieved them.

After they left, I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t contain the noises that slipped out. I was a mess. I was shaking, I couldn’t breathe properly, with sharp inhales and such, and I felt so broken.

I tried things that might help me calm down, like pacing, rubbing my legs, and breathing exercises. I went to the bathroom and blew my nose. I got a paper towel and got it wet with cold water and put it under my eyes.

Of course the first thing I do is try is to stop crying and look like nothing happened. Of course.

Ive been crying for over an hour, with tears being on and off.

I caught myself saying “I can’t be like this,” and quickly assured myself I shouldn’t say that, but instead, “it shouldn’t be like this. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve this. This shouldn’t happen.”

I tried to assure myself, but that just made me cry more, because I knew I had such a horrible self-esteem and that’s a whole other issue I brought in.

While crying, I thought “great. Know our relationship is ruined. When she comes back, I’m not going to talk to her.” Because that’s how I am. I ignore things I don’t like. I try to stay away from them. Now the only good relationship I have is with my little brother and I’m terrified i might mess it up. He doesn’t deserve this either. And the thing is, i used to take my frustration out on him, and recently I’ve noticed I’ve become more irritable with him. So now I’m scared of making him feel horrible too. I don’t want to hit him again, we’ve finically mended our relationship. I don’t want to break it again. Recently, I’ve noticed how lonely I am.

#very personal #still crying #so sad #sad #heartbroken #I feel so powerless #summer of 2017

[jayisjason]

I'm Jay

CHAPTER ONE: I'M JAY Before I start, my name is Jason or call me Jay, and since I was a little boy there was a lot of attention towards me.But not often, you see my sister Jesly was in charge of me, always checking on Me. Sometimes she had most of the attention but only b/c she is a role model and my mother admires her but I still got the spotlight from most people. _ ___________________________ -Flashback to when I was 6. Jason- Jesly, pley with me... Jesly- hold on.(pausing on the phone.) Can you Waite! I'm busy right now...later on. Jason-Your always on the phone...can we plaayyy.(pulling her arm) Jesly-Mom tell jason to stop bothering me! Mom-Jason! Leave your sister alone before I get there! I just left the room, I was being such a brat the only thing that I had was watching batman on the TV drinking my kool-aid juice and some candy bag, sitting on the floor. While my mom was busy on the phone talking. ___________________ ...And then there was my little sister genny that came in. She did had the whole attention for her self. And I was in charge of her even though I would get blamed for small stuff, little things. Like getting blamed for being abusive, not taking care of my sister, not paying attention, causing problems, etc. It's fine since I know they love me. I know they all do. They are just teaching me to be more attentive. Now it's the present and I'm moving to the next grade, 9th grade, a freshman I guess. But I'm excited, I may not have friends, which is not really important. I'm used to it already since middle school. There's still some thoughts occurring, maybe it'll be like the teen movies, all cheerful and happy. Just maybe. Or...I guess I'm nervous, I don't know what to expect. "Be careful in school, don't get into trouble.."my mom said. I'm almost leaving and entering my first day in high school, I could see why my mom would say that, she just wants what is best for me. She sees me as a quiet guy and is afraid that I would get into fights, I'm not a violent person, that's how my mom views me as. I'm done and ready to go, just need to check myself in the mirror, gotta look good right. I'm breathing heavily as I'm opening the door and knowing, after I leave the house, the real world would face me. Now I'm trying to conrol myself not feeling nervouse nor scared, 'cause now I know what to do. Kind of like a plan. This time I'm going make friends, that's my goal, last year...was not good or bad. I mean everyone goes through bad times. All I can think of is once I enter inside. It'll be like the movies...I think, or hope. I'm standing in front of my new school, first day as a freshman. There's already guys and girls going in, I'm just checking the building out, it looked just like I imagined. A tall wide building, gates around and a great parking spot. Just wish I owned a car. I'm already walking up these huge..well, small stairs, till I got in. I didn't realize there would be four long lines to waite in, I don't even know where I belong to waite. A loud voice crashed in my ears, a woman was giving out intructions to everyone who was entering. "Get in line by the first letter of your last name!" She repeated like 3 times, I went to the line J-M. I was next in line, time goes by quick when you thinking about your goals. The old lady-"what's your last name?" Jason-"umm..m-me-mendoza, J-Jason Mendoza." My left leg was starting to shake , it's a bad habit I have, I guess it's because I get nervous easily. I notice the old lady checking through the papers for my name. But she looked like she's unhappy with her job though. Now the bell rung and is time for my first class. I don't know what to expect all I feel is excitement for a new beginning. Just thinking about new friends and even, just maybe I'll fall in love. Just gotta get through this crowded hallway, my first period class started. Most of the classes were just to get to know each other. Gym was not as I was hoping, I needed to write an essay about being "healthy". I did met few people but I did saw someone. My crush was with me in gym, I know him since middle school it's one of the reason I chose this school...some classes were just okay. There was an activity in health class , an exercise to know each other. I felt left out since everyone felt comfortable meeting with each other, I guess not with me. It's lunch time now, my stomach is starting to call me but I can't stop staring at my crush, maybe if I smile at him and....never mind he won't notice. He's too busy with his flirting skill and using that skill on his girls. At least I have lunch to eat, just plain o pizza. And chocolate milk. All the tables are full of...friendship, people and I guess I'll sit on this table alone. But it's okay, since it's my first day on this school there's still time for finding friends, right? "Yo, bro..my son jace goes this school?!!" Michael told me in front of his guy friends, I felt uneasy since I knew him from my middle school, my whit  shirt couldn't hide me or punch him right in his chest, he's chubby and tall  and im skinny and short , there was no place to hide but just look at my plate. But I'm forgetting that It's okay there's nothing wrong going on "This the kid Iwas tellin ya bout...yo he mad funny?" He told his friend as they messed up my hair, I'm okay though, I still remember my goal. And a plan for finding a friend. But first I'll try it on my crush. Through out the time I just ate my pizza and kept staring at him, Chris. And imagining my myself in his arms. "Jason cone sit on my lap" He told me on his deep voice, patting on his thigh waiting for me to go. I could see him sitting there with a navey blue hoodie and a white shirt under and a halo around him. he started smirking at me with his big round hazel eyes and bushy eyebrows, biting his sexy fat lips. Then the bell runged & ruined my fantasy with Chris. I think I got living environment for my next class, my last class for the day. The stars don't seem to be bad it's just one floor down. "Hello everyone, welcome. Welcome."I could hear the teacher greeting every person going in. Then I got welcomed as well. The seats were taken from the front sides I just has the last seat, all the way in the back next to a group of friends. "Everyone settle....and take a seat everyone, my name is Mrs.Simink and she's Mrs.Scott." even though the two teachers introduce themselves, the chatter won't stop, mostly every teen in the class ignored them, except for me kind of, I was looking at Mrs.Smink talk, in the same I was also drawing myself with Chris. "Since it's the first day, everyone is free for today, it's free time." Mrs.Smink told every one, pleasing everyone, I just kept on my drawing but I could hear laughter walking by. And turns out, that laughter is from Michael and his friends. The feel of them staring at me felt my hands burning, trying not to look over there. Since I could see their fingers pointing towards my direction. Why am I feeling offended, there's nothing wrong happening is there. My family taught me to be a sociable, we'll behaved young guy. I guess I'm just over reacting. People do seem to laugh a lot about me, I think I am a haliours person after all. Not sure why? The day is over, I'm ready for the end of the day and just go home. Walking out side of the school, seeing everyone going to stores, hanging out in the parking lot or even driving in their cars with friends. I'm actually happy for a new start but not sure if this school... is just...neverminde there's nothing wrong with the school, I'm just excited that's all, but Tomorrow I start again, it's gonna be worth it...I could already see the bright side, it's looking...grey but it's going go as I planned. ............Home.......... Today was a great day I met new people, made few laugh, now I'm home with my family. I could hear music playing, my mom had cumbia playing, it's Mexican music by the way. Even I could hear the loud talking all the way from my room, as I opened the door of my room just to see who was in the kitchen. I saw my mom drinking a beer with my sister Jesly and my aunt Gloria. Then they saw saw me. "Well....aren't you going to say hello, go on say hi you're locked in your room?!" My mom looked at me with a serious stare, pinching my soul from the inside. She was right I wasn't being polite though. "Hee-hel-he-hello." I stumbled on my words, my sweat was pouring out of my skin and could see the look on my mother's reaction, she's right though, I wasn't being polite. "Excuse my son, he stutters and gets very dumb in FRONT of people, just like his father, he's such a nice guy though , he doesn't seem to wake up." My mother laughed next with everyone laughing. My mother is right though I am dumb for being nervouse. I went back inside just to ignore the noise and close the door All I had to do was go to my room and look at at my romantic short film that I was watching befor, I love the fake romance, it makes me feel there's hope for me at least. "Jason go wash the dishes, mom wants you to wash them and to stop being on your phone." Genny came in to inrurup me on my short film, but for a good reason, I gotta do chores too, and there's the staring again as I'm beginning to wash the dirty plates. "JAAASSSONN!...Jason I'm talking to you!" My mom yelled to get my attention, Gloria seem to give me a serious stare also. Even Jesly is serious, I think I'm being rude...I guess that's why. I looked back and checked what was wrong with my guilty face. "That's my son, I forgot to tell you about last time." My mom said excited, I had a feeling where she was going at with those words. I just looked at her thinking about what will she say next. "Last time Jason started crying just because we don't understand his feelings jajaajaa." My mom giggled over what she told in front of my aunt. Even my Aunt gave me a teasing stare , I was being a little pussy at the time. "Dont get sentimental, jaaajajaaa." Aunt Gloria said joking to me, my mom bust out laughing even my sister Jesly and Genny. There was no place to scream or yell. I guess I'm over reacting, I'm just holding my pain inside, that helps. All I did was walk back to my room and left the wet dishes on the sink. The laughter kept on chasing me just wanted to ignore their comments. I don't wanna cry infront of them , it will just make things worst, the only thought I had was going out of the window and to the roof. I took my sweater with me since it's cold at night, just sat on the roof hugging myself tight and trying to control my tears. I'm just being sentimental, dramatic, I'm just such a pussy. I could see the moon above and thinking about tomorrow, school starts again and I have my plan with me just gonna change it or bend it. Just gotta see how to make it real.