#and my mom LOOOOVED to yell and make comments and call me names from across the house so ofc that made it even worse

[daedrabela]

btw did you know your upbringing and environment play a role in the development of schizophrenia because i just learned that a few days ago.

#actually schizospec #actually schizoaffective #actually mentally ill #i remember when i'd fight with my mom and it was always just so paradoxical like there was never a way to be right or do right by her #so when we'd fight i'd go to my room and cry and my mind would desperately search for a way to make sense of what had happened #but because its was always the opposite of what i thought i should be doing i would end up in hysterics #i'd just keep thinking i was never going to do anything right and the futility of it eventually caused me to break away for a bit #i'd start laughing uncontrollably at how completely fruitless it was to try and get everything right #when just one mistake would erase all of my progress #and i remember how it felt to detach for the first few times and i was terrified and i felt so hollow #i felt like i was trapped inside my skull and i couldn't escape even my body if i tried #all the while i was still laughing and crying at the same time because i was so sad and so confused at all of it #i literally felt like those edgy pics where a character is split in half and one side is laughing while the other is crying #i would rapidly switch between laughing and crying and then eventually i would just. stop. #i would stop crying and laughing and emoting completely and i'd just feel a numbness spreading #i wouldn't have at thoughts at all i would just be laying there on my bed staring #ALLLL of this happened while i was alone in my room after fights with my parents (usually my mom) #and my mom LOOOOVED to yell and make comments and call me names from across the house so ofc that made it even worse #🥀