#and its like. i guess ill never understand how im in yhe wrong for doing the exact same thing that he did... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

laughing-one · 5 years

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It's very simple. Thich Nhat Hanh had it right. And i WAS THERE thinking i should become a monk at 16/17.. ((why i didn't is explained below))

It's all explained below and in the last ten or so posts.

The one i love/d is already enlightened and in action balancing self love and service to others.

Seroquel, (if you don't what it does to ppl you need to talk to me or others who have been on it for lengths of time) broken families/systems, knowing about psychopathic guvmint/military elements.. knowing about/experiencing the inter-density beings (working for wisdom or sepraration) corroborated by several different people in my life yhe universe forced me into meeting.. late stage capitalism, looming ecological collapse and spiritual regeneration and the now overbearing but transforming mental-rational hyper goal oriented and commodity driven spatializing consciousness was just TOO MUCH to deal with!! I snapped! Too much dark age for one person.

And all that i needed and need was to become a monk and meditate a balance between awareness.. cultivation of compassion for others.. and cultivation of awe etc.. and maintain creative integrity..skillsets.. breathing.. gratitude.. and the service to others. That's it. Fuck seroquel. I DID NOT NEED THAT GOD. I didn't have a choice they said i was sick at the hospital KEPT TRYING TO GET ME TO TAKE MEDS OVER AND OVER. So i did i said FINE K OM SAID JOHN IS SICK HES SICK DAD SAYS HE AND HIS SON ARE SICK EVERYONE IS SICK. BULLSHIT all i needed was to stay at the monastery and follow the soul piece that KNEW i should stsy. I was too young and stupid .. stupid bc ibwasnt allowed to know myself to think to create to be trusted enough to trust myself or work for anything worthehile. Just school being tokd how to think in a limited way. FUCK. Rant done.

It's always simple. We know nothing unless we walk the talk and love ourselves and others. That's it. Too much mind. I had this all figured out when i was young and then tripped over the obstacles in my path: family pattern dynamics, capitalism, violence etc.. words and labels.. environments.. same pattern.. and the favoritism of goal oriented mentality that is smothering this culture. All that matters is living in presence everyday, living a life of appreciation, creativity and service while taking time to uncover the programming and stop the mind everyday. Whatever else happens is a bonus not worth pursuing unless from a place of grounded humility or intuited youthful knowing which was never really lost just covered up with the addiction to the deficient aspects of the mental-structure of consicousness.. ie.. too much emphasis on thinking. The alien thing was scary , the end of humanity, and seroquel destroyed my sleep but it's over. What's done is done. Day 30 medi.

Finally get it. I quasi-consciously fulfill this pattern that my father repeated over and over jn front of me. Then loved ones leave bc they witness our fear and frustration from seroquel and becoming aware of the void left by family-self-sociey etc.. the unconsicousness/spiritual rootlessness, then getting lost in intellectualism divorced from beingness. If i'd stayed at the monastery as a 17 year old ((i intuited all this shit then and even wrote about the oneness of religions))and stayed away from home as a teenager i might have realized this sooner and the nightmare could have been avoided but i just didn't know the hate i had in me from goal oriented society and work.. At 8 i intuited and at 15 wrote about all religions being the same but started getting more and more confused by the drama and hate and million perspectives. So important for young ppl to have focus and creative skills not just screens hello.. Just needed someone wise, a craftsman, artist creator, whatever.. to fking talk to and apprentice with..almighty Mary. Me and family (mom) didn't talk (she and therefore I couldn't communicate) and i felt like an invader to buddhism. It's the western condition and now everyone screaming appropriation as they certainly should. But live by the sword and die by the sword if we don't learn forgiveness. The only way and the most effective and compassionate stance. I had no roots..grandfather really fked up our celtic roots for us and my mom was trying to find a different way right.. so no wonder it didn't make sense to me. Very fking confusing for young people in this emerging from the dark ages world.. And i still don't know how i'd prevent a young person like i was going thru all that. Do everything i could to get them to trust their own soul to know what to do. And not steer em any which way but encourage self realization. Thats it. End of story.

I really think i'm done writing. I've figured why i feel the way i felt. Now its just continuing the aperspectival/emptiness meditations and trying to live a happy life after all this madness with the mental illness paradigms and seroquel sleep/metabolic/etc disorders. I can't help anyone unless im fking empowered and creative. What a fked up system the self help sector is. Just feeding off fear. If buddhism wasn't so aversive to rootless westerners thatd be great. And thich nhat hanh was the closest pretty non ritualistic tradition. So close. That was my ticket to a way better life at 15 yesrs old. I seriously thought of being a monk. It scared the shit out of me and seemed dull (plus eastern tradition/fear of being different) but i was wrong about all that. Confronting the abyss is the best power and source of energy/freedom/compassion.

Pretty simple all this. Can't believe it took 31 years to find the same place i was at as an 17 year old but knowing now the importance of it. This it's so obvious. I don't understand why my family never talked and just labeled. I guess we all really were that traumatized. I just didn't fking get it. I thought i had think all this out. It was a trick. I really needed meditation and creative projects/skills. Capitalism and the spiritual void in the west that Gebser, Steiner etc tried to revive. Wow

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