#and it’s kind of an undercurrent of life rn so i sporadically cry about it a lot for a night or so

[lesamis]

🐳

growing up is like. on a wednesday evening you suddenly understand that sometimes ppl who are bright and curious and full of love for the world go through sth so painful that they withdraw forever and they never get better and they may very possibly never be as well they wish they were again. and you have a cry about it alone at your desk. and then you literally just start cooking dinner

#(not a v happy post i'm sorry!) #had a letter from one of my mum’s friends today where she told me about the adventures she went on in her 20s #and she sounds so unrecognisable to the woman i know. i’ve known her all my life #but in all that time she’s been unhappy and unwell and fragile #this 24 year old who trekked through ao/nz on her own and walked on glaciers and in rainforests? who is that #and it struck me in a weird place bc i’m going through some Thing of some Weight currently where #someone i love very much is probably never going to be ok again but we’re so far apart that there’s like #genuinely nothing at all i can do to help her in any substantial or significant way like i can’t even hold her hand or speak to her #and it’s kind of an undercurrent of life rn so i sporadically cry about it a lot for a night or so #and then i just sort of. go on being in necessary denial. #and i don’t think i understood until now that my mum is on the other side of this experience #that those friends of hers i’ve only ever known as withdrawn and perpetually nervous and unhappy #aren’t That to my mum. they’re people she was young and happy and light with in the 80s #and until sth like that started happening to me w someone i love #i didn’t think about what it must have been like for my mum to watch someone so close to her change and retreat so completely #and now i just kind of. sit with it. like i was a miserable child and young adult and then i turned happy #and sometimes it’s the other way around #and it’s very often not in your power to prevent that so instead of like #keeping that person away from hurt forever like you want to. you just make dinner and that’s all #VERY SORRY FOR WHATEVER THIS IS #has to go somewhere ig!! but before someone gets worried yes i may go to counselling for this lmao. i'm fine i'm v cared for