#and it didnt help that everyone on set kept making jokes about haitian men being abusive

[theboykingofhell]

a few months ago i made the decision to never ever be involved with any production that depicts slavery. i decided i never ever wanted anyone to be able to imagine me as a slave and that it was a kind of trauma i never wanted to inflict on myself by having to imagine myself in this role

learning to take care of myself in the roles i chose for myself and how i’m viewed by other people is something i’ve slowly started to do considering my habit of retraumatization

meanwhile i also find my writing and my acting to be very cathartic and i tend to gravitate towards expressing my trauma through my art. i just finished writing PRETTY damn explicitly through the worst experience of my life into a play that will hopefully be thrown out into the world and performed by next year. i constantly use those feels and channel that into my performances. i try and make my trauma useful for me

so to me, playing the role of an abuse victim is nothing. it’s fun, i always think more dramatic serious roles are more fun to play and i have fun doing it

but i’ve never had to? yknow. witness myself in the act of it. it’s always me safely whizzing through an ounce of what i’ve been dealt my whole life

when i auditioned for this role, my director described my role as the ‘secret weapon’ and that that position as the secret weapon appears around ep 3 of the show

now LOL SPOILERS TO THE SHOW FOR PPL WHO WANNA WATCH IT BUT

episode 3 is when my character starts experiencing pretty heavy domestic abuse. which is what was filmed today

and what was interesting is, well, the footage we got. and what’s interesting is later having a conversation with my baby sister about how much she hates those kind of storylines. and what interests me is how much male writers just... throw this kind of stuff in for, idk, shock horror i guess? and how much idk? i’ve allowed myself to go through it?

i’ve been dreading this shoot for a while because, lets face it, directors have a bad habit of disrespecting their actors. we’re just EXPECTED to do the most with very little in return. i’m lucky enough that i was already pretty heavily trained in combat because the combat in the show wasnt choreographed and was actually expected to be, and was, improved for the most part.

so, what ended up happening was the director just letting the cameras roll and seeing what happened when this very angry man got to lash out against someone he’s supposed to love

and MORE SPOILERS LOL

my character ends up? staying with this character, which i hate. they don’t seperate her from her abuser. he gets help for his alcoholism which is the root of his violence, WHICH IS GREAT. he goes into recovery. he fixes himself. that’s all nice and good but? she? is the victim and she just? is expected to stay with him and support him through this? she literally has a line in the script that goes “if you do this once, you’ll do this again” but then... stays with him.. for the rest of the season

and i get it, it’s realistic. plenty of abused people stay with their abusive partners for a very long time

that doesn’t mean,,, we gotta,,, keep showing it,,,,

see im just kinda rambling about this because idk. 

i got some footage, right, some behind the scene stuff of them flming the ppl filming us. im still debating posting it tho because, tbh, its rly weird just watching myself getting beat up like shit is twisting my stomach to listen to... so i guess good job me A+ on the realism but also, again, is it rly necessary to have this big drawn out scene depicting a woman being abused by her boyfriend,

i do this shit all the time in theatre and its fine but omfg the second its recorded idk it just adds this.... element im not used to IDK MAN.... i cant tell if its rly as voyeristic it seems to me atm because i’m sensitive about the subject of physical abuse or because it... is...

it just UGH it’s annoying that my director acts like this is some big revolutionary thing, like, you’re not the only one who is having their female characters beaten the shit out of so idk if you think this is some big twist out of nowhere.. god idk

#i wrote most of this yesterday and then passed out halfway through PHEW #acting tag #i remember this one moment when i was making the sounds and just sitting there while my partner was swinging his fist past my face #and i was just like .__. huh man remember when this was my Real Life #and it didnt help that everyone on set kept making jokes about haitian men being abusive #ha... ha... im haitian... my dad... is abusive... thanks ha #ANYWAY #enough of that