#and if I can't breathe I literally cannot sleep no matter fuckin what

[imwritesometimes]

my allergies are so bad they negatively impact my mental health and I'm just very tired of everything

#4 hours of sleep ✌️🥴 cause I can't ever actually breathe out of my nose #and if I can't breathe I literally cannot sleep no matter fuckin what #and they just decided while doing surgery for something else years ago that even upon seeing how BAD my deviated septum is #that it wasn't their responsibility to fix to or even refer me to anyone else who could just oh fuck this girl #so idk man. you try functioning on 4 hours of sleep. repeatedly. for months. #see how uhhh mentally stable you are!!!!! l #decongestant medication does fuck all. now I don't have the money to see a dr. like. I'm fuckin tired man. #and this has happened to most of my dad's family! Dr's just go oh yeah that's a bad one hahaha oh well! #my dad deals with this. my brother. my grandma even went through it like. I'm just so fuckin TIRED #not getting sleep fucks me up SO BAD mental health wise like it's SO BAD it actually scares me how bad it gets if I can't sleep 😔 #I'm purely venting here idgaf anymore I'm like a zombie for 3 days now I fuckin hate this #erin explains it all

[dr-awo]

I'M SLEEPY I CAN'T SLEEP I WANT TO DREAM || atsushi || trial 5.7 || re: DUDE IDFK ANYMORE || attn: megumi, ua

Atsushi thought he was going to be okay for the most part after confessing... for some reason. Quickly, that didn't seem to be the case, as people started to address him and his decision.

Shut up...please. Your life is so important.

Stop. Thank you.

You matter so much, please... please.

Stop it. It's not true. I want to believe it.

J-just take it back, change your mind!…

Stop! Just... But I can't... sorry.

I cannot lose anyone else that I love for no reason–!

...just... st... ...Sorry.

...Megumi and Ua's words, unfortunately, fell on deaf ears. But... these words, all of them-- they weren't hard to understand, right?

People cared for him.

He was cherished.

He was loved.

...

... so, why?

"...ut up shut up shut up shUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP--"

Why did hearing this feel so fucking suffocating?

You matter. You matter. You matter. You--

"--DON'T MATTER! I DON'T MATTER! I DON'T MATTER! SHUT UP!! SHUT UUUPPPP!!! STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!!! IT WAS NEVER FUCKING ABOUT ME!!! STOP TREATING ME LIKE SOME POOR VICTIM!!!"

Clutching at his head aggressively, he groaned as if he were in pain, hunching over his podium as if his head were about to split open. It felt like it was going to. He hated this. He didn't want this. He felt like he was going to die every time someone said his name. Each stare or look, concerned or not, felt like sharp knives plunging into his body, twisting and turning ever so slowly but surely.

The attention was horrible. The pity was painful.

The thought of him being important was terrifying.

"Why the fuck do you think I volunteered in the first place?! I WAS READY TO DIE!! And don't fucking treat me like a martyr either! WHAT IF I WANTED TO DIE? EVER FUCKING THOUGHT ABOUT THAT?! I can't just fucking take it back or some stupid shit like that, and it's not like the stupid bear would've let me anyways! I did it because I want all of you to GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE!! I did it so NO PROGRESS WOULD BE LOST!! Me?! What fucking good is there with ME being around?! I haven't contributed to SHIT! This isn't about me! This is about the victims! The culprit! THIS FUCKING TRIAL!!! THERE'S NO FUCKING TIME FOR CONDOLENCES WHEN WE HAVE TO SOLVE THIS MURDER!!! If I do survive, we can talk later-- but now we need to figure out who killed Kensuke and Shinobu! WE HAVE TO DO IT FOR THEM, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!!!!!"

"FUCK!!! FUCK-- F-FUCK, FUCK--"

In a bout of extreme frustration, Atsushi started kicking and battering his podium. It creaks. It cracks. And as the sound of pounding wood echoes throughout the room, so does his exasperated yelling.

He slams his hands down on the podium as soon as he stops.

"Great to see we're fucking working on it. But both of ya bein' fuckin' liars is making this difficult. I mean, Imaizumi was able to decieve Sugita pretty nicely, so whose t'say that her friendship with Hiroha is real?

Anyway, the others are right-- Literally FUCKING NOTHING points toward Ua! Unless they fuckin'-- shit-- I don't know, went into the rec room to plant the paint thinner there, or gave her an injury to make it look convincing, but then why fuckin' else would Kensuke's drink taste like balls? And Imaizumi literally said she's BEEN in the art room! And Ua was NOWHERE NEAR the scene of crime! And-- And--"

He turns toward Ua. Oh god.

"You sound like you're pulling shit out of your ass. Surviving? Tampering? What the FUCK do you mean I inspired you? Inspired you to what? Give me a fucking panic attack?! How do we know if you're lying again, AH?! YOU ALREADY TRIED LYING TO US AFTER YOU TRIED TO KILL OZAKI!! Said you wouldn't hurt a friend, huh?! THEN WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?"

He starts to laugh.

"Friend this, friend that... Friends mean NOTHING in the trial room. Don't pull that 'I don't want to see my friends die' bullshit on me. Compared to Imaizumi, you're rather fucking confident, aren't you? You looked distressed when I ditched your ass way back when! If you really are telling the truth, why aren't you begging on your knees pleading your friends not to leave you? How do we know you really care?"

A deep inhale. A long exhale. He stop talking for a bit... he just needs to breath.

...

"...Enough of this.

If either of you two actually care, PROVE IT. I don't know how and I don't CARE how. You've already tried too hard trying to prove yourselves as guilty, and you two literally refuse to explain yourselves. Instead, PROVE EACH OTHER'S INNOCENCE. PROVE THAT YOU CARE."

Finally reduced to whimpers and soft sobs, he leans over his podium, a hand over his face.

"...I'm so fuckin' tired..."

#chapter 5 #atsushi #submission

[guesswhatdaniel]

[tw] depressive rant..

I don't know what's wrong with me.....

I am so sure of myself I am so sure of it..... but if it doesn't turn out how I except it to.. how I need it to.. then there's just no meaning in any of it...

I can't picture a freakin future for myself like this... no relationship nor single.. not living by myself nor with my mother... definitely not marriage or children ... I can't picture a freakin successful nor unsuccessful try at a career.... i can't picture a freakin job.... nothing.... there's literally nothing.... when I try to think of my future like this it's just all black......

The only reason I'm still holding on is the simple fact that I know, my life can still make a 180° change... and if it does... I might just manage to learn how to be happy... If that happens I can picture a future... the fact that this is all dependent on other people tho fucks me up so bad......

What if they don't allow me this... what if they don't see how much I fuckin need this? If it doesn't turn out right.... if it doesn't turn out like I need it to and I get rejected for this...... i think that might be it for me..... no... I know that will definitely be it for me.....

No matter what they say, no matter what anyone says.... if I don't manage to get that, this life is completely meaningless to me...... my only meaning relies only, and simply only on those freakin people...... and if, for some reason, they don't see how sure I am about this.... how I need this to become myself.... then there's definitely no way I can remain living like this..... I am so done with this life and I simply cannot deal with this anymore... this is my last hope for life.. and my last hope for any type of happiness....

I know I shouldnt be posting this out here and such... but this is literally the only place I can let out my feelings.... I have absolutely no one who I can talk to about this... and it has been eating me alive for such a long time... I cant sleep.. I stay awake til 5am looking at my goddamn ceiling and feeling like I cant breath... like someone is sitting on my chest and blocking my lungs.. or as if someone's choking me or there's something stuck in my throat... I suddenly feel tears at my eyes for no reason... I keep repeating the worst scenarios at my head unconsciously... I just want to scream and throw stuff but I cant so I end up sitting at a corner of the room just biting at my arms or when Im conscious enough just squeezing them so it wont leave marks cuz you know Im trying to stop selfharming and all.....

Anyway this is just too long and its a simple rant so whatever.... no ones going to read this anyway and its just to let up a little so maybe I dont feel as tho my heart and lungs are being squeezed and like my head and body weights a thousand killos.... goodnight everyone..