#and i think i still assume i have to endure cruelties unquestioningly and as a given. somehow

[afieldinengland]

.

#i think i’m scared of being vulnerable. well— no. being SEEN being vulnerable i think. i can’t let someone see everything. #i want to. but the idea is so beautiful it’s terrifying. and i’m so stubborn…. so private. #i’ve been in fight or flight mode ever since [—]. i mean. if we’re being honest with ourselves. i’m tired #a part of me is still convinced i shouldn’t get to say no. isn’t that terrible #and i think i still assume i have to endure cruelties unquestioningly and as a given. somehow #i’m exhausted. i just want to lay down and be told i’m safe. just for a night. #sorry. i’m thinking out loud. i think it’s a breakthrough though. i feel like i’ve worked something out— i’ve put a name to a face. #jesus. you must be wondering what me being truly vulnerable even looks like when i’m like this now #it’s not that i’m never vulnerable. i’m vulnerable in private— alone. in a guarded way i’m sometimes a little vulnerable here. #i can do it. i want so desperately to be totally vulnerable with someone else. it’s just i’m still frightened by what happened last time #i think i’m convinced i still have to look after myself like there’s no one in my corner #all teeth.