#and honest it'd be so easy to go to the river right now at 4AM

[kangseluigi]

I almost fell back into a habit of talking to my mother like it's no biggie but today the resentment is rising

it's not even a big thing, just that

a) I'm in bed all day feeling like dying for multiple reasons, then she comes in being snarky and generally annoying b) I get up and force some food down and she goes "slept enough?" with a smirk you can hear and I'm already over it c) she gets pissy when I say she told me something, which like…tbf yes, maybe I misheard, but it's the instantly being angry and defensive for me that gets under my skin cause it happens every. single. time!! every time I say "but you said-" she gets sooooo mad, and every time she just says "NO!! I did NOT say that! There's no reason for me to say that!!!! You ALWAYS do this! YOUUUU never mishear anything it's always MEE and MY fault!!!"" when it would be so easy to say you don't think you'd say that literally any other way. And of course whenever it's the other way around I just say "??? No? I'm sure I didn't, cause I never even thought that" and just stand there confused but calm and wondering how that happened, and she just needs to rub it in my face all "SEE?? See how that is!? But I'm SURE You said that!!!" basically she cannnot be wrong and then accusesme of …not being able to accept being wrong, when I regularly admit to mishearing or not hearing things or maybe forgetting or misunderstanding, and KNOW our communication is fuckeddddd d) she then gets annoyed that I don't hurry to take the trash out before tomorrow morning like babe who give a fuck e) and when I am done with that, feeling physically and mentally miserable, she is laughing loudly and making random noises to demand attention, while I am having one of the worst days of my life.

The bottom line is, thank you, for reminding me just in time, you don't give a fuck about me. I'm tired of it, it doesn't even hurt anymore. I've accepted it tbh. Over the last month, I have completely detatched from her more than in the last few years, which already were putting it all to the test, but foolishly, I still tried to fix things with better and clearer communication. I tried sooo hard to work on it, and yeah, I definitely had moments where I just didn't know how to explain anymore that I cannot have her talk down to me like she does because it makes me SO miserable, which she considred emotional blackmail on my side, cause she just…NEEDS to help me and be clear about things, which is hilarious, cause there is a big thing of mould in the wall by the stairs, on the floor I'm on, which she doesn't pay much attention to and leaves for ages before tending to ONCE and then no more, but then gets mad when I have a couple too many dirty dishes cause ~it's unclean~ like babe, priorities.

Anyway. Today it's been 1 month since Beau died. Just 3 hours and 31 days ago. Which is why I am going through it a lot, among other things, and the whole month she just…didn't seem to care. Not about him, not about me, and yet she's mad that I don't help her with her cat, cause she helped with him, as if I'm not struggling to keep myself alive rn, or get out of bed at all, as if I'm not entirely fed up with her and wishng one of us would finally die so I don't have to deal with her shit anymore, on top of having a difficult relationship with her cat due to the love of my life-cat dying, but you know.

#I HATE that at 31 soon 32 I am still making the same posts I made for 20 years #I've been wanting nothing more but to get tf out of this house for 20 years #I am gonna scream #why must life be this way #everyone says 'just move out you're an adult omg' #cool I'm disabled and broke #so it's not that easy #not to mention the mental bullshit #but now I no longer have to consider Beau's wellbeing in me potentially leaving for a few days or lifetime #it's just I have no will to live lol #and honest it'd be so easy to go to the river right now at 4AM #she wouldn't even notice I'm gone for at least 24 hours I'm sure #it would all be so easy #suicide cw #abuse cw #??? #mother bullshit