#and before someone asks the annoying 'but what about [insert psych med here]'

[craycraybluejay]

Randomly got a super vivid vision of someone I know being turned into a chicken and someone I love who cares deeply for that person not knowing and cooking the now chicken and then bringing it to me to eat. And me somehow knowing what happened. And the fucking AGONY. I was in public when it happened and I wanted to scream-- strangers looking on in horror and confusion be damned. I didn't, but it was a damn close call. It was horrific. Something truly strange. It wasn't just the scene itself. There was some unattainable metaphor about it. And the sensation of losing control-- slipping into psychosis and anxious meltdown just *snap* like that. I wondered how long it had really been since I had smoked-- and so went out away from people for one since I didn't want to exhale in anyone's face. The moment I took a half-hearted hit, the buzz hit me like a freight train. As if I've never smoked before. It wasn't enough, so I took a few more, and the relaxation/anxiety relief/diminishing of psychotic symptoms was near immediate. I had taken so little today that I genuinely had to sit down and lay back so I wouldn't fall over, I was proper light headed. But God, I felt normal again. I felt like I could push that visual and all the obsessive and paranoid thoughts about it away with enough effort when before it seemed insurmountable, true doom.

Sometimes, I wonder if I really do have a psychotic disorder. But then I forget to medicate and whoop dee doo here we go again motherfucker. I wasn't even really stressed today. This whole week has been atypically great, actually. But stressed or not, stable or not, I know I need to keep a steady dose of nicotine (which, yes, works as an anti-psychotic, as well as anti-anxiety. Look it up. Or don't. Idc.) There is nothing more scary than suddenly losing control of something as mind altering as psychosis with no trigger, no prompting, especially around other people. Nothing HAPPENED. Everything was GOOD, I was having a GOOD TIME and smiling and laughing one second and the next I'm freaking out white-knuckling the table and begging whatever this is to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD.

#schizo spectrum #nicotine #self medication #psychotic disorders #personal #vent #psychosis #hallucinations #pseudopsychosis #actually stpd #actually schizospec #and before someone asks the annoying 'but what about [insert psych med here]' #im poor- hate the psych industry- and every med ive been forced on has made me behave horribly and made diff symptoms worse depending #antidepressants made me more actively suicidal than I'd been for years prior. antipsychs gave me the strong urge to kick a puppy and broke #my emotional spectrum and empathy for like a solid month even after flushing them and refusing to take them #the only one that has helped w anything specifically anxiety or bad trips is benzos #but that doesnt help w psychosis and also rly hard to come by #and also also i have no delusions about the danger of benzo dependence and will only take one during an emergency #on average like once every 4 months if even that #for other psychotics who have accidentally skipped their medicine for some reason-- whether prescribed or otherwise-- #I'm sorry that happened and I hope you were/are okay. be safe

[youarenotwelcomedhere]

Day 6: coo coo for coco puffs // 10.26.18 0212

Today started out ROUGH. I started at 1700 today...felt like my whole day was gone before I even started the shift LOL. Right before I even left the house, I was in this weird grumpy mood. When my mom came home, I was already like distressed and annoyed at her nagging at me. When I drove my car out of the driveway, I hit the car that was parked in the parking spot in front of our house...like wtf. They obviously did not fit in that spot...and literally their bumper was sticking out into the driveway. ANYWAY, I thought that was my fault because I was already flustered and not thinking. BUT, when I got back home today, the car was still there, and I checked...his car don’t even fit in that spot. So I feel better about crashing into his car LOL. 

Anyway, I felt off. I got on at 1700. It was such an odd time because we usually go in at 1500. We were float nurse today, so I got to witness a new vibe. Towards the end of the shift, we got our own assignment because we were short nurses. Anyway, Kelly did break relief for Fran, the charge nurse, and it was crazzy...so many different ambulances were coming in at once and no one was discharging their patients, leaving rooms filled to capacity. 

On top of that, there were a bunch of psych patients in the back...SO MANY. It felt like I was on my psych rotation again. It was sad because there were many young teens that were admitted for suicidal ideation. It’s really sad...they were only about 14 or 16 year olds. One was 16 and he had hx of autism...he waited in that room for a whole day to get admitted to PES. I got to see the PES locked unit, and it is so sad...all the rooms are literally seclusion rooms and the nurses don’t talk to them. 

When we got our own assignment, we got all the psych patients except for one room. That was kind of my patient for the day, and it was good. I felt more autonomy being able to acknowledge orders, etc. It was cool :) The cases were super minor though, but it was ok. I also go to to see a stroke alert, and it turned out she really did have a stroke. She kept moving and going cray, we had to give her hella Versed. Anyway, I took Dr. Smith’s advice and just put on my gloves, and just helped. Normally, I would step to the side and watch people clean, put in IVs, take vitals, etc. But I was just present. I put on gloves, helped move the patient, hand the nurse stuff, etc. I did something! hahah. It was hectic, but I felt I was a part of it...which was nice :) 

something sad...

When we were at dinner, Kelly received a phone call from someone...she talked about someone she knew being in hospice upstairs in Med-surg floor. I’m thinking her relative or her boyfriend’s relative. I was so sad to hear this happen to her. I didn’t know what to say. She rushed upstairs during her break. I told her afterwards, I’m here if she needs me and just put my hand on her. I’m so bad at this kind of stuff, but I hope she knows I’m here. I try not to bring it up too much, but I hope she’s ok. On my way home, I prayed for her. 

Middle school teacher

So I think I saw my middle school English teacher, Mrs. Sayle...LMFAO. I can’t. She wasn’t the patient but she just accompanied this woman (idk if its her friend or sister or whatever). The patient’s last name was like Sagel, so it’s pretty similar! I remember Ms. Sayle was the scariest English teacher ever. I remember she taught 8th grade English, but there were a few of us 6th graders in the class. She rarely smiled. But in this ED, I saw her smile, which was nice.

Acrylics

I saw an acrylic nail cracked in half......this woman’s nail was crushed by the window at home...looked gnarly. It was bleeding and looked hella painful. 

Nice nurses 

It always ceases to amaze me that there are no mean nurses on the unit that I’ve met. Everyone is so nice. Jaclyn asked me how I was doing, etc. It was nice of her to ask, and she even shared that when she was a student, she was hella scared to do IV push. It felt nice to have someone empathize with me. 

Good and bad apples

During my shift, I saw two other students. First, I saw a student from USF, I think. She was so awkwardly following Whitney, kind of reminded me of myself on the first day LOL. She was quiet, and kept to herself. She didn’t quite know how to insert herself, just like me. It felt nice to know that we all go through that one time or another. 

Then, I met this girl from SMU and she was in the BSN program. She wasn’t wearing her school uniform, so I didn’t say anything to her. She saw me in my uniform, so she said hi. She was also doing her preceptorship, and today was her first day. We talked, and then I was like oh you don’t have to wear your scrubs? and she’s like “i didn’t ask” and im just like........you gon get in trouble (in my head). LOL. She was just wearing blue scrubs...I mean what if her CI shows up unexpectedly. And honestly, you hella not representing us well. Then, I would see her follow her nurse...She literally just sat there and was on her phone the WHOLE TIME. I couldn’t take it. I was in SHOCK. Shookethhhhh. I can’t. That kinda stuff just bugs me because it shows how uninterested you are, how much bad work ethic you have, and how much you don’t want to learn anything from this experience. It was so annoying seeing that. So immature. In my head, I’m just like this world is so unfair to have these people pass their class...LOL...people who don’t do their damn job or work hard. 

Today was an overall OK day, glad I’m off for the weekend!! :)