#and also parts of the comic r so dissatisfying anyways near the end so i could do better | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

canaryatlaw · 7 years

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today was fine, I’m just kind of in a mood at the moment. Just feeling discontented with life and questioning the choices I’ve made, like not pursuing acting and going to law school, maybe it wasn’t because I needed to be a lawyer, maybe I just never believed in myself enough to believe I could ever actually make anything of myself acting....or maybe I actually just suck and that would be a terrible decision because I do not have what it takes and I should take the empirical evidence in that I’ve been passed over for so many roles so many times to know that I’M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. It just wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to start law school and be completely content, and never looked back. but I’m not. I miss acting. I want to act. But I don’t want the “other life” option I had when I was deciding whether I wanted to go to law school or not- staying on with my theatre company who was full of really great people that I loved working with, but we could only perform a few months out of the year, and then I was stuck behind a desk for the rest of the year....so I traded it for an existence where I’ll always be sitting behind a desk?? Yes I’ll be helping people (that is, if I can get a damn job) but I could’ve been helping people with theatre. But that’s not the existence I’m yearning for. I want this reality that is never going to happen because I’M NOT FUCKING TALENTED ENOUGH TO GET FAMOUS THROUGH ACTING. I’M JUST NOT. I tell myself this is me being realistic, but maybe it’s just a lack of self-confidence. I don’t know. I just find myself constantly daydreaming about an existence I’ll never have, one that exists on tv sets and shooting with awesome casts, and going to comic cons on panels and getting to talk to fans and inspire them, and meet these amazing people....but I’m not skinny, I’m not pretty (enough), and I’m not talented enough. Of course all of these thoughts have been facilitated by the fact that I convinced myself to send in this audition tape that I’m still not gonna talk about details on because it’s not like anything is gonna happen anyway, and I spent all day learning the lines to shoot the tape tomorrow, and I keep daydreaming about getting the part, the contingencies I’d put in place to try and finish the semester and then pause my law school education to return and finish my last semester at some point in the future, and giving interviews about how I absolutely plan on returning to law school, because I could never be complete with law and acting in my life, and I could always do law and act on the side, but I couldn’t prioritize acting and do law on the side. not really. I’ve run through the scenarios and it’s just not realistic. But still....I want it. And I know I’m setting myself up to get disappointed every time I think about it like this and delude myself into thinking I have a shot when they’re going to end up casting a drop dead gorgeous skinny blonde 16 year old for the part and I am none of those things, but still I let myself hope, I listen to myself doing the lines, and goddammit I feel like I’m on to something here. for the first time in a long, long time I feel like I actually sound good in my acting. like I’ve somehow leveled up. it’s been a mental thing I’ve been contemplating for a while now, and this has just been my first opportunity to implement it as a strategy, and really I think it’s going well. But even so, the chances my video, one out of thousands being sent in, will even make it past an initial viewing is very unlikely. Even if my acting is leveled up, I probably still won’t be good enough. I know this. But why am I allowing myself to hope then? Because I’m dissatisfied with the law school life I’ve built here? Because this life isn’t everything I dreamed it would be? Because that’s just life? Or because I’m still fucking depressed and have been in denial about it since August? I just.....I don’t know. I don’t know the answers to any of this. and even in the infinitesimally small chance this turns into something, my family would absolutely flip a shit on me for the content (it’s not like, sex scenes or anything gross like that, it’s just very specific content that they have a major hang up with) and I honestly don’t know how they would react, if they’d even help support me in doing this.....which, I mean, if they don’t, I have $14,000 to my name, how far could I realistically get on that? And how fucking stupid would it be for me to move to Hollywood and start waiting tables trying to get cast in something when I have a fucking law degree? When I spent all that time, all that blood sweat and tears, not to mention all that MONEY, and then to just decide I don’t want to do law anymore? But that’s not even true, because I DO want to do law still. I’m just conflicted about how to do it and frustrated with job prospects and my family REALLY wants me to come home and I feel so guilty about it which makes me want to do it, but I also don’t know how I would react to that and I have a very hard time seeing myself be truly happy in that situation. I’ve never wanted to move back there. I’ve been wanting to get out for as long as I can remember, and I did, I flew out the door at 18 and never looked back...until now, 7 whole years later, and I miss my parents, and my sister, and it pains me so much to know she’s going through exactly the same thing I was when I was her age and I can’t physically be there to make sure nothing happens to her. If something did and I wasn’t there, never forgiving myself would be a mild reaction, to be completely honest if she killed herself I’d probably kill myself too, because I don’t think I can live in a world without her in it. That’s what I tell myself, at least, but then I think about my parents, and how that would completely destroy them. One daughter would be horrific enough, but two? I don’t think I could do that to them, no matter how much pain I would be in. So I would stay in this world and be in unbearable pain, and probably blaming myself for everything because I just KNOW that if I was there I could’ve stopped it. She’s my baby girl. I love her more than anything else in this world. I can’t lose her. So I want to be there for her. It’s just that...moving back there sounds so suffocating. I’ve been very clear with my parents that under no circumstances am I moving back into the house, even if I move back there, but at the same time like, I don’t have any money?? Long Island is expensive as hell, even if I had a job probably half my income would go to paying rent, and how am I supposed to survive on a government or nonprofit salary when that’s the case? And I don’t want to rely on my parents forever, I already feel guilty that I’m 25 fucking years old and still reliant on them, because I can’t make any fucking money while in law school so my parents pay for everything! And I just want to be independent, finally. And then I start worrying if something happens to my dad and suddenly there’s no more income, then what the fuck am I supposed to do? sigh. I'm working myself into an anxiety spiral and I need to stop now. But if anyone just read all that and has any insight your input would be appreciated.

So. Anyway. I had trouble falling asleep last night, but woke up at like 8 am anyone and couldn’t fall back asleep, and not for lack of trying. So I got up, and made a blueberry dutch baby, (I had turned my alarm off at some point past 2 am because there was no way I was making it to the church thing) and watched last night’s episode of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I don’t have much feedback other than I love this damn show and I hope they actually pursue the plot line of them suing Josh because I am so fucking here for that. Then I started and finished my poverty law reading, which wasn’t terribly long, just rather dry. Since I have an abbreviated school week (as I’m going to NY on Wednesday) I’m just gonna read for the actual classes I have to attend and I’ll figure the rest out later. After that I decided it was hair dyeing time, since I wanted it to look nice and bright for the audition tape tomorrow, and for my sister’s sweet 16 last week. So I did that, and while it was processing I ran through lines, then rinsed it out and listened to this program for this fellowship thing I’m doing that I’ll tell you about at some other time that took about an hour and forty minutes. Continued to memorize lines, my memorization skills have definitely improved over the last few years, I blame having to memorize huge chunks of text in small amounts of time for any and all things mock trial and trial advocacy. So I got pretty much all of it down, then I turned on Batman TAS for a few episodes, then went to Netflix and started Mindhunter, because everyone on the true crime podcast Facebook groups I follow haven’t shut up about it and at least one of them are reviewing it next week, so I figured I’d give it a shot. I also had the yankees game on live stream but muted in one of the tabs in my browser, so monitoring that as well. I got through the first 4 episodes of Mindhunter and it’s really good so far! Super interesting period piece, and Jonathan Groff is fucking amazing of course. Very intriguing plot, and I’m looking forward to seeing how it all comes together. I paused it for the last inning of the yankees game just to see them lose, and I’m just like really, universe? I couldn’t have the Cubs or the Yankees in the world series? they both had to lose?? not cool man, not cool. and yeah, after that I finished the Mindhunter episode I was watching and then got ready for bed, and got into a mood which caused me to write all of the above because I’m feeling anxious about this whole thing I guess. I just don’t feel particularly happy with life right now. It’s nowhere near as bad as the horrible depression I was experiencing over the summer when I was off one of my meds, but it’s just a general lack of happiness. I know there’s a technical term for it, but I don’t remember it at the moment. But anyway. I have to have to have to get up and go to church tomorrow since it’s our first Sunday in the new building and with only two services, so I really need to be there. I’m excited for that, though. It should be really good. As for now, I need to get some sleep, so I’m signing off. Sorry about the crazy rant above, I guess I just needed to get a lot of emotions out and hey, if tumblr’s good for anything, it’s good for that. Anyway. Goodnight sweeties. Have an awesome Sunday.

#daily journal #October 2017

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