#and a cousin that was 'healthy' and dropped dead from a heart attack at 22 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

naniiblogs · 6 years

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White Christmas

My winter break has been very bittersweet so far. It was off to a good start, I was going to the gym and playing tennis at a consistent rate. I was able to see Eric and (awkwardly) catch up. My extended family is here for the holidays. And probably most notably, I finally got back from my professor, and I got a spot in the MICU for my senior practicum at UH, my top choice for my site for practicum.

It was all going so well, and then, it all just took a turn.

It was two nights ago, somewhere to close to around this time. Diego and I were in the living room playing Legend of Zelda, Miguel was out drinking with his friends, Mom and Dad were in their rooms, Isabel was walking down the stairs and our cousin Rommel who’s staying with us was sleeping in his room. And then all of a sudden we heard what felt like the loudest thud that just punched this hole in the atmosphere of our house. Isabel was at the top of the stairs when I looked over, and Lola was just lying face up on the floor. I’ve never witnessed a fall before, but in nursing school they drill it in our heads that a fall is one of the worst things that can happen to a patient, one of the things in which they condition us to do so many interventions to prevent it from happening in the first place.

I remember sliding across the floor to get to her.

“Mom! Dad! Lola fell. Oh my God.”

My whole family was surrounding her.

“I can still feel a pulse on her. Mama. Mama!”

“Mama! Mama!”

“Lola... Come on, Lola.”

I did everything I could remember. Isabel called 911. The dispatcher was asking her for the situation, and location of our house. She instructed us not to give Lola not to give her any food or fluids, and to remove any pillows we may have laced under her. I checked and flipped her eyelids up. Her pupils were unfocused, unresponsive. I did a sternal rub. She didn’t wake up from that. She was giving these weak gasps, almost as if she was blubbering. I kept instructing Isabel and Mom to make sure her airway was open, but they were too busy crying or frozen. I ignored my dad as he told me she could’ve broken her neck while I was trying to perform a jaw thrust on her. She just... wasn’t there.

And then finally.

“I can’t feel her pulse anymore!”

And I don’t know what drove me, but I was scared, more scared than I’ve ever been. But I started performing CPR on her. While I was counting out loud 30, I was instructing Isabel that when I counted to 30, to give her two breaths through her mouth. The stupid dispatcher was instructing me how to perform CPR while I was already doing it. And I can still feel it now. The cracking of her ribs under my palms. I’ve never felt something like that. It hurt me to that I was hurting her like that, but I had to keep going. After the first set of 30 compressions and two breaths, my hopes lifted by just an inch when I thought I saw her breathe, but it was a false alarm.

“Alright. One. Two. Three. Four....”

It didn’t even matter. I kept going until the paramedics arrived, and even then, they told us later on that by the time they arrived her heart completely stopped. They went at it for 45 minutes until they established that she was gone. She died. She’s dead. December 22, 11:58 pm.

I kept replaying the events in my head. What I did, when I did it, how I did it. I kept thinking that maybe I should have started to perform CPR sooner, or if I even did it right. I kicked myself in the butt mentally for thinking that those CPR training sessions we had to go through were so boring and mundane. or maybe we should have called 911 earlier. I don’t know. I didn’t want to think about it, there were more important things to remember.

The doctors couldn’t even narrow it down to what exactly caused her death, it was so sudden. In the end, they ruled it as a sudden heart attack. My aunts, Lola’s daughters, kept asking Isabel in so many different ways what she saw. Did she slip, did she collapse then slip, when she fell, did she stay face time or did she roll face back up. They told me I was very brave and courageous for doing the CPR, and that Lola would be proud and is probably telling Lolo about it right now. They kept coming up with their own theories, their own makeshift diagnoses for Lola. Robie and I both think they should drop it, it’s not healthy to ask ourselves those questions you’ll never get the exact answer to.

This all happened within about three to four hours. I think near the end we were able to lighten up the mood, at least to the point to create some facade of normalcy, for now. To get us through Christmas.

And honestly, I think it was exactly what we needed. It’s been very nice these past days actually, I feel like our family has gotten so close, and I really do like having them around.

I guess I’m just blogging all of this out right now because I feel like I have something welled up inside of me still about Lola, and all of this, but it’s just not coming out. And the viewing is on the 26th. I know we’re not out of the woods yet, and there’s going to be a lot of emotions when that day comes. Even now, lately I’ve still been feeling weird waking up in the mornings. The image of her on the floor, and the ribs-- it still flashes in my head from time to time. And lately, I keep imagining the viewing, and looking at her, and thinking about those cracked ribs under her chest, and the pain she must have been in. But, I guess all that matters right now is being with my family, keeping her and her memory in my heart, and to keep living and finding happiness, just like her and Lolo would want.

Merry Christmas Lola, I’m sure Lolo got the best Christmas present he could’ve ever asked for, and that you’re having such a great time with him. I love you so much.

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