#and I've started counting cals again because I'm scared I'm gonna gain too much weight

[omarfor-orchestra]

So now I need to figure out what caused this mess uh

#was it the pills #the pms #the fact that I haven't seen my therapist in almost a month and will have to wait another one #the fact that i haven't seen someone outside my family and therapist in something like 3 months #maybe more #the fact that when the only irl friend i thought i had (which I'm starting to dubt) told me after i stupid joke that i do have friends #i ghosted her bc otherwise i would have told her to fuck off bc if i had friends I wouldn't have had to be alone in my house when in #so much pain I couldn't move from the bad and she knew it she knew I couldn't walk and still said 'oh you can come to my house' how???????? #despite me asking her twice to come #and I'm 23 years old and I'm so alone it hurts and I can't go out even if i were invited and the only thing helping me right now #are literally drugs which let me tell yall is a low point even if they're medically prescripted #and I'm losing my mind because I'm 3 exams away from my graduation and everyday i feel like giving up #and I've started counting cals again because I'm scared I'm gonna gain too much weight #and I don't know how I'll handle the operation and the follow up and I'm fucking terrified #I'm so sorry if you all are reading this but I'm truly feeling hopeless and so so useless and alone and the self hating is getting stronger #I'm sorry if i bring negativity in your dash I won't blame you for unfollowing i can just try to promise it won't always be like this #i hope at least #god i don't even know what i wrote

[cardiac-arresting-sweetheart]

ed , cal count , long rant

WHY DO I WANT TO EAT MORE. i just had a whole ass fucking pb&j sandwich and applesauce (yes i am a child) i do not need MORE ughhghhhh and it's 9pm why would i need to eat more?? i've already eaten too much today ughhh . over 1300 cals literally over my bmr i neeeeeed to stop eating but i am Going Insane this is probably also because i gained a bit of weight from yesterday so uhhh brain decided to give up !! stoooop stop i have stupid fucking "umm ackshually you alrerady fucked up today so just give up" mindset fighting me right now LEAAAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEE i should just.. go to bed or something. WHY WON'T IT STOP. i want to just give up and Binge but i shouldn't i should NOT i cannot. i haven't ruined my day i haven't ruined my day . ughh . bangs head on wall . I WANT TO EAAAAAT fuck maybe if i jjust purge (again) gheughsd no . actually im probably over even 1400 or something because i didn't count dinner cals since i purged it but i doubt i lost all the cals . lol . I HATE MY BRAIIIIIIN LEAVE ME ALLOOOOOONE ugh . ughGHGHGHGH . i might just have to go to bed early so i don't eat even more :( i think i need to start intermittent fasting again,, cuz then i literally Can't binge at night because i Won't be eating . lol . mostly my binges r triggered by me giving up so,, having a rule like that should stpo that at least right?? I HATE MY BODYYY ugh if i gain more weight im going to actually just. have a mental breakdown and lock myself in my room (my weight would still probably be lower than it was a week ago) hgdgdsfnsd i hope i dont have to do anything tomorrow i think i'm going to be unstable. idk. my mood for the day is partially dictated on how well my weigh in goes that morning soooo,,,, hmmm we'll see guys!! kind of like gambling!! i feel so BIG ugh like i feel the fat growing on my body and i feel so Uncomfortable and i feel my Teeth Rotting and i feel the Sugar inside of me and umm idk feels like im getting diabetes LIVE . god im so scared im gonna get diabetes this is why im going to **** ******* LOL anyway . i hope i don't gain weight!!!!!!!! genuinely i will turn evil i will go insane feral crazy . umm yeaaaaahhh teehee

#vent